MM cutting off two days after planning to leave his wife

[LimeBlue]

I am falling apart and am heartbroken. Again. This has been going on for two years this month and for the third time I was brutally discarded this morning. We spent a four night weekend together last weekend, and he told me that he now realises he will be leaving his wife for another woman (me) instead of leaving for himself. He said if he tries to leave for himself he will never leave, but he will leave for me.

 

He also told me he is terrified of losing me and that he knows he needs to act in order to prevent that happening. I was lead to believe he was putting into place a firm plan of action so that we can finally get this right because we are so good together. This was not the average affair, we introduced one another to friends, family, colleagues etc. We went on trips, spent days together on outings and so on. I really thought he was going to start acting instead of just words.

 

But this morning he discarded me. Told me I am putting too much pressure on him and that because I cannot "just chill" it is a deal breaker for him.

 

Has anyone else had their MM spin excuses like this? I told him that I am like this because he has discarded me twice before so i get anxious, yet he says it is a deal breaker and that he is going back to his marriage and I must get on with my life.

 

I am left lost, heartbroken, and lied to. I just do not know what to do.

[imperfectangel]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I haven't had this happen. But I have had my mm disappear on me for weeks even months at a time.

 

Please take this chance to grieve the loss and move on.

 

Something has probably happened at home and he's either realised what he'll loose or he never had any intention of really leaving and will reappear when he thinks you've calmed down.

 

He will almost certainly come back, they always do. Please don't give him the chance to put you through this again

Edited October 4, 2016 by imperfectangel

[Arieswoman]

Limeblue,

 

for the third time I was brutally discarded this morning.

 

and you stuck around after the first time ??

 

Don't you deserve better than some guy who plays emotional ping-pong with your heart?

 

He isn't leaving and you need to tell yourself this until you believe it. Now you need to block, delete, go NC and start to heal.

[gettingstronger]

I feel like we've all done this at some point- held on too long to a friend, a job, a relationship, etc. I hope this is bottom for you, the time when you say- enough. Take care of you. Grieve and then get back up and push on

[LimeBlue]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I haven't had this happen. But I have had my mm disappear on me for weeks even months at a time.

 

Please take this chance to grieve the loss and move on.

 

Something has probably happened at home and he's either realised what he'll loose or he never had any intention of really leaving and will reappear when he thinks you've calmed down.

 

He will almost certainly come back, they always do. Please don't give him the chance to put you through this again

 

Yeah, we always land up reconnecting again even after up to nearly a year of full no contact. How do I stop this cycle he puts me through?

[LimeBlue]

Limeblue,

 

 

 

and you stuck around after the first time ??

 

Don't you deserve better than some guy who plays emotional ping-pong with your heart?

 

He isn't leaving and you need to tell yourself this until you believe it. Now you need to block, delete, go NC and start to heal.

 

I know, I am a sad case and I am the first to admit this fact. Emotional ping pong is a great analogy. This time things were different though, and he was actually so convincing that I (for a short moment) panicked because I thought he was truly going to go through with it and ask her for a divorce. I feel so dumb for believing it. Two days from me getting my head around "this is happening" to now having to get my head around "I have been thrown out with the trash again".

[Arieswoman]

How do I stop this cycle he puts me through?

 

You block and delete him from your phone and from your life.

 

we always land up reconnecting again

 

No, you don't.

This happens because you allow it to happen. You aren't helpless and you have choices. So choose not to communicate with him ever again.

 

Read the Loveshack No Contact Guide and implement it.

 

You can do this.

[Gloria_Smellons]

... for the third time I was brutally discarded this morning.

... he told me that he now realises he will be leaving his wife for another woman (me) instead of leaving for himself.

... terrified of losing me

... lead to believe

... Told me I am putting too much pressure on him and that because I cannot "just chill" it is a deal breaker for him.

... I just do not know what to do.

 

 

Urgh, this is such a standard play in the cheaters handbook it's nauseating.

 

''Of course I'll leave my spouse for you, I will do something about it on 'way in the future x date'.''

 

Then suddenly, time marches on and the future becomes the present and now they're expected to make good on their word. Their word that they never intended to keep in the first place. Why OW/OM are always surprised by the news that people who comfortably lie to everyone else in their life find it just as easy to lie to them I don't know.

 

So then, as the deadline looms it becomes 'Oh, well I was totally going to act towards leaving my spouse but then YOU did something to make me not so it's all your fault'.

 

Repeat ad nauseum until the end of the universe.

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to come across as unsympathetic but there are so many red flags waving all over this it's like a communist party parade.

 

No matter how you justify this to yourself this IS just an average affair. You are still number two to his wife and you always will be unless YOU do something to change it.

 

You believed him once. He didn't come through for you.

You believed him twice. He didn't come through for you.

You believed him a third time. He didn't come through for you.

 

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, so what do you think he's going to do if you give him another chance?

 

The fact is, he LIKES the way the situation is now. He get's to stay with his wife and have a pseudo-relationship with you. He has no incentive to change anything becuase he can placate you with false promises, fail to deliver on those promises and then.... enjoy the precisely zero consequences from that.

 

You cannot change him, you can only change yourself. If you want things to be different, do something different.

[Adoraxx]

I am falling apart and am heartbroken. Again. This has been going on for two years this month and for the third time I was brutally discarded this morning. We spent a four night weekend together last weekend, and he told me that he now realises he will be leaving his wife for another woman (me) instead of leaving for himself. He said if he tries to leave for himself he will never leave, but he will leave for me.

 

He also told me he is terrified of losing me and that he knows he needs to act in order to prevent that happening. I was lead to believe he was putting into place a firm plan of action so that we can finally get this right because we are so good together. This was not the average affair, we introduced one another to friends, family, colleagues etc. We went on trips, spent days together on outings and so on. I really thought he was going to start acting instead of just words.

 

But this morning he discarded me. Told me I am putting too much pressure on him and that because I cannot "just chill" it is a deal breaker for him.

 

Has anyone else had their MM spin excuses like this? I told him that I am like this because he has discarded me twice before so i get anxious, yet he says it is a deal breaker and that he is going back to his marriage and I must get on with my life.

 

I am left lost, heartbroken, and lied to. I just do not know what to do.

 

Big hugs to you, Lime ((((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))

 

One thing that I noticed about what you wrote is this: "We spent a four night weekend together last weekend, and he told me that he now realises he will be leaving his wife for another woman (me) instead of leaving for himself. He said if he tries to leave for himself he will never leave, but he will leave for me."

 

Someone should leave his marriage for himself/ herself and never because of another woman/ man! If he would have left, you would always have had that burden of living up to his expectations ("I left my marriage for YOU!") which is not a good thing!! I never wanted xMM to leave his marriage for ME because I knew he would always end up comparing me to her.

 

And then this:

"But this morning he discarded me. Told me I am putting too much pressure on him and that because I cannot "just chill" it is a deal breaker for him.

 

Has anyone else had their MM spin excuses like this? I told him that I am like this because he has discarded me twice before so i get anxious, yet he says it is a deal breaker and that he is going back to his marriage and I must get on with my life.

 

This sounds totally like what my xMM always did. Blaming me, acting like it was all MY fault. And that's what your MM is doing too, he tells you that it's all your fault and puts all the blame on you which is a very heartless thing to do!! My xMM told me that I 'claim him', 'put too much pressure on him' blah blah etc etc... Never mind that my expectations were already next to NOTHING!!!!

 

It's NOT your fault, Lime. Keep that in mind! And try to do some reading about narcissism / psychopathy, there are so many similar stories to be found there.

 

He'll come back to you... they always do. But I hope you won't take him back!! And if he does come back, he'll simply continue to lie to you because he still wants you in his life (as long as you shut up and play your part )

 

xx

[DKT3]

Have you ended your own marriage?

[Cyra]

Hugs to you. I have gone through same plus 1 step further. He actually did leave his wife, only to crawl back to her 2 days later and breaking up with me. I was devastated. Same as you, this final episode was following previous episodes of planning to leave, then sh*tting himself when it got close and backing out by cutting me off. I naively believed that once he had done it that was it.

I dont think he will leave and even if he does it probably wont last. He sounds just like my xMM, inconsistent and a wimp. If you let him he will wiggle his way back in once he has calmed down and is horny and the cycle will continue. I would advice to get out with dignity while you still can. Tell him he broke your trust and to talk to you only once he has left. No amount of sob stories or excuses or trying to put the blame on you will make up for what he has done to you and if you continue you will hate yourself. Trust me, im the girl who didnt walk away when she should have, i hung around with hope and accepting crumbs, and not only ive lost him but my dignity also. No man is worth that.

[LimeBlue]

You block and delete him from your phone and from your life.

 

 

 

No, you don't.

This happens because you allow it to happen. You aren't helpless and you have choices. So choose not to communicate with him ever again.

 

Read the Loveshack No Contact Guide and implement it.

 

You can do this.

 

Can I really? I still have hope. How do I squash that hope that we will one day be together?

[imsosad]

Sorry,LimeBlue. I know how hurt you must feel.

Best predictor for future behaviour is past behaviour. He will come back. eventually ,but only to offer you more of the same. An affair is all he's got for you, is that enough?

You wrote about always connecting somehow etc. All you are doing is over romanticising this very non romantic situation. Why are you thinking in terms of helplessness?

It is up to you if you reconnect or not. It is not destiny, it is your plain choice. You have the power to reconnect or say, sorry, im not your second best, get lost.

Dont sit around waiting for him to return. Take your power back and get yourself to a better place. You can do it and it's only up to you.

No contact is your way to go. No false closure. He dropped you for the third time, what more do you need?

[Cyra]

Can I really? I still have hope. How do I squash that hope that we will one day be together?

 

The only way that may happen is not by you staying around.

when he comes back and i guarantee he will, you tell him he can talk to you once he made good on his word, then go NC.

But be prepared it may not last even if he does. He cant be trusted.

and do you really want to be with a man who lies and bails on you whenever things get hard?

[Arieswoman]

Lime,

 

How do I squash that hope that we will one day be together?

 

By living in the present and not in the future.

 

How much more of your life do you want to waste?

 

Do you really. truly want to be with a man who treats you so appallingly?

 

I can tell you stories of OWs who waited 3, 12 and 25 years for a MM to leave ( yes, you read that right 25 freaking years !!) and they never did leave.

 

The first girl threw in the towel as she was sick of his excuses.

 

The second girl jacked it in when she found out that his wife was pregnant. (And this MM was saying he was in a sexless marriage !!!)

 

The third girl woke up alone in bed on her 50th birthday and decided that enough was enough.

 

Please, please don't waste any more of your precious time on this loser.

[road]

I am falling apart and am heartbroken. Again. This has been going on for two years this month and for the third time I was brutally discarded this morning. We spent a four night weekend together last weekend, and he told me that he now realises he will be leaving his wife for another woman (me) instead of leaving for himself. He said if he tries to leave for himself he will never leave, but he will leave for me.

 

He also told me he is terrified of losing me and that he knows he needs to act in order to prevent that happening. I was lead to believe he was putting into place a firm plan of action so that we can finally get this right because we are so good together. This was not the average affair, we introduced one another to friends, family, colleagues etc. We went on trips, spent days together on outings and so on. I really thought he was going to start acting instead of just words.

 

But this morning he discarded me. Told me I am putting too much pressure on him and that because I cannot "just chill" it is a deal breaker for him.

 

Has anyone else had their MM spin excuses like this? I told him that I am like this because he has discarded me twice before so i get anxious, yet he says it is a deal breaker and that he is going back to his marriage and I must get on with my life.

 

I am left lost, heartbroken, and lied to. I just do not know what to do.

 

What to do?

Stop believing MM lies. MM will say whatever whenever to keep stringing along their [OW].

Edited October 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[ChickiePops]

He does this because you let him. He wants to train you to get less attached. He has made it very, very clear that he ONLY wants you as a mistress, not a girlfriend or a new wife.

 

It's up to you to decide if you're willing to fall in line with what he wants.

 

Fool me once...

[elaine567]

He has rejected you three times now, was it not enough he did it once?

 

I cannot understand the mindset of being second best to the wife for 2 years and to then have the final insult of having your face slapped not once, not twice but three times.

Are you nuts?

 

He is essentially a cake eater and would be perfectly happy at home with his wife and kids and having you occasionally on the side.

 

YOU have put him under pressure here, and when it came down to the wire, he reneged, as that is NOT what he wants, no matter how much he may tell you that it is.

 

He is happy being "da man", the man with the wife and the mistress on the side (he has it all, good for him!), he does not want to be viewed as the cheater who left his poor wife and kids bereft, whilst he shacked up with his scheming and devious OW. (he is a cad and a bounder).

See the difference?

Edited October 4, 2016 by elaine567

[Ahurtgirl]

So sorry you are going through this. Sadly, it is so typical for MM to do this. I went through this a few times over a 4.5 year cycle. We never went longer then three days without seeing each other and talked for two hours every day the entire time. He basically promised me the world, even gave me an engagement ring and then like a light switch, broke things off with me six weeks ago. We also had not a typical affair. He told me many times he was so much happier with me and planned on a future with me. However, if I ever brought up wanting to pursue this, even though he talked about it at times, he would say exactly what your MM said. Tell me I was pressuring him and he just couldn't leave at this time, etc. but would promise yo be with me soon. It was so confusing. When things ended six weeks ago, it was like a knife cutting a rope. Bam... done. Then he said some really terrible things to me and blamed me for things and it was awful.

I can completely relate to what you are going through. I feel like I lost the love of my life, even though I know he jerked me around and "future faked". Hugs! It does get better but takes time.

[spideywoman]

Uff. That's heavy duty. I am sorry you're feeling so hurt. Know that you're not alone. And I don't know whether you'll want to hear what I am about to say but when you are, please take a moment to take a look.

 

(And just to answer your initial question, what you describe has never happened to me though I have felt discarded.)

 

YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN STOP THIS CYCLE. You do have the power, whether or not you want to exercise it is up to you.

 

The path that he has chosen, or the rationalization process that he is following, is a very dangerous and unhealthy one for both him and you. His dilly-dallying, back and forths and inability to stick with a decision he has "made" several times is evidence of that. At best, he's just not ready and has not made a decision. At worst, well, you're experiencing one of the worst-case scenarios (and there are more that are far, far worse.) Either case, you're enabling him.

 

Him leaving his marriage for you _ or anyone leaving a marriage to be with someone else_ is not just immature, but it shows a deep lack of understanding of just about everything related to human emotion and healthy functioning. It doesn’t matter whether he was convincing or not. Leaving a marriage is not something that’s done overnight and anyone who either tells you they’re doing it for someone else (in this case, you) or for any other reason than for themselves, I would be very, very careful. Whether or not he leaves his marriage should have nothing to do with you. Would he have left his marriage if it weren’t for you? Probably not. Why? Because he doesn’t want to. Why would you want to be the source of that? Have you thought about the resentment he will feel toward you when the going gets tough? How he may, and would, “blame” you for the demise of his marriage? And have you thought about how much additional guilt you would carry should your relationship be borne out of the ashes of a decision that basically you forced someone to make?

 

I was the OW until recently. Or may still am. Not sure. I never asked MM to leave his wife. It’s not my place. It’s his decision. When I started this affair I took responsibility in advance for everything that could and did happen. Similarly, he never asked me to leave my husband, either, even though MM was much more into it emotionally than I was. I did end up leaving my marriage for reasons that of course had to do with MM but not BECAUSE of him or FOR him. There’s a big difference. It was a choice I made for me and my husband. Point is, eventually I would have left my husband _ whether MM appeared in my life or not.

 

At the end of the day, he has let you down not once, not twice, but three times. Remember that. Is this someone you would be able to trust ever again?

 

I am not questioning the magnitude of your shared emotions; nor am I going to tell you this was just a fantasy and that you need to move on; I am not minimizing the effect this man has had on your life. But there are certain things we must try to look at rationally _ someone who loves you and who plans on building a life with you does not act this way. Period. He’s entitled to his confusion, but he should be an adult and deal with it properly which clearly he has a problem doing.

 

In all likelihood he’ll be back. If I were you, I would hold my head up high and move on _ no matter how agonizing it will be. Let him go. Let him regain a clear head and let him make his own decisions while he works it through not just with himself, but also with his wife. She, he and you need a break from this gut-wrenching drama and anguish. You need a different perspective and that will only be achieved by not engaging with him, even if it’s temporary.

 

Is his wife aware of your existence? I ask because yours seems to be an unusually public affair.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, we always land up reconnecting again even after up to nearly a year of full no contact. How do I stop this cycle he puts me through?

 

You block him EVERYWHERE and fund nice things to do for yourself to show you care about YOU.

 

You don't need him. He's a Dumbass.

 

I really hoped you got out of this last time.

 

There's healthy relationships and then there's relationships that are like bad drugs.

 

Think of him like Meth and you'll do better. (Unless you are a meth addict. Then noooo, don't do that.)

 

Seriously. I had to think of refined sugar like alcohol to stop me from consuming it. Life is way better.

 

If you've given this guy the power to build you up or bring you down ..... And then he only builds you up to disappoint you and then blame you for it.....then he does NOT deserve that place in your life and YOU have to build YOU up.

 

And when YOU build YOU up, then you have much better odds of a healthy, sexy man being attracted and making You the primary relationship.

 

Ditch that "married" arsehole who is only half-assed in his relationships. You don't want him anyways. Because if he came to you, he wouldn't be half-assed, you'd be stuck with the whole ass. Because he's an ass.

[Grapesofwrath]

Lime: I am very sorry that you are, once again, in pain. I know it hurts, but this is actually a blessing in disguise. Your xMM has given you a gift here. Two gifts, actually. The gifts of clarity and time.

 

Clarity: You can now see him for what he really is: An opportunist, cake-eater coward. He will never make your dreams a reality. They are fantasies based on non-reality and illusions. He is angry at you for expecting him to follow through. And even if he ever did, it would be awful for you. Full of doubt, jealousy, pain, disappointment. A trail of blood.

 

Time: This cycle could have gone on much longer, as others have mentioned. Now you know the score and you can take steps to free yourself. I know it hurts, but trust me when I say that freedom feels so good. Much sweeter than any fleeting moment with a MM.

 

It's time for you to take responsibility for your actions. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. Get into counseling. Work on yourself. Allow yourself to heal. This person means you harm. Get away from him and stay away.

[S2B]

Yeah, we always land up reconnecting again even after up to nearly a year of full no contact. How do I stop this cycle he puts me through?

 

Just block all ways he can contact you.

 

Move forward and date single men only. You deserve an available man that makes you top priority.

 

Sorry this happened. You control what happens moving forward.

[BluesPower]

He will never leave her, ever.

 

He is simply lying to you every step of the way.

 

I is just not real for him and he will lie to you as long as you let him.

 

Just let him go. After some time goes by the pain will subside, I promise.

 

Be strong...

[Cyra]

He will never leave her, ever.

 

Blues you shouldnt say never like it never happens because that is not true. I know of people who had an affair, left their spouses and are now happy.

However it takes strong will, trust and love on both sides and that is not the case here.

Lime you are the only one who wants this. He cannot be bothered with the hassle. When things get tough, he dumps you, waits for you to cool off and want him even more so that he can give even less. He is a spineless b*stard.

You could force his hand if you wanted to but as Spideywoman said a couple of posts above, it would be for nothing. It would never last because you would be always miserable and anxious and he would make your life hell by blaming you for what happened.

If he really loved you and wanted to be with you he would have acted differently. This is a weak man who wants to have the best of both worlds and is using you for love, affection, sex and ego boost and using his wife for materialistic comforts and security and 'reputation'.

Edited October 4, 2016 by Cyra