MM cutting off two days after planning to leave his wife

[Redhead14]

I am falling apart and am heartbroken. Again. This has been going on for two years this month and for the third time I was brutally discarded this morning. We spent a four night weekend together last weekend, and he told me that he now realises he will be leaving his wife for another woman (me) instead of leaving for himself. He said if he tries to leave for himself he will never leave, but he will leave for me.

 

He also told me he is terrified of losing me and that he knows he needs to act in order to prevent that happening. I was lead to believe he was putting into place a firm plan of action so that we can finally get this right because we are so good together. This was not the average affair, we introduced one another to friends, family, colleagues etc. We went on trips, spent days together on outings and so on. I really thought he was going to start acting instead of just words.

 

But this morning he discarded me. Told me I am putting too much pressure on him and that because I cannot "just chill" it is a deal breaker for him.

 

Has anyone else had their MM spin excuses like this? I told him that I am like this because he has discarded me twice before so i get anxious, yet he says it is a deal breaker and that he is going back to his marriage and I must get on with my life.

 

I am left lost, heartbroken, and lied to. I just do not know what to do.

 

I am left lost, heartbroken, and lied to.

 

He's been lying to his wife . . . why would you think he wouldn't lie to you?

 

He also told me he is terrified of losing me -- He's not terrified of losing you, he's terrified of losing the side piece he's had who allowed him to have all the benefits of a relationship and sex, fun things to do without all the other daily demands/responsibilities of a committed relationship. As long you you didn't make any "noise", he was content to live a secret life that disrespects the institution of marriage and commitment and women, for that matter.

 

This was not the average affair, -- Said millions of OW's out there . . .

 

we are so good together -- Sure, why wouldn't it be good? Everything you do together is mostly about fun and good times. There's no money problems to argue about, no kids to deal with, no real life to deal with.

 

because I cannot "just chill" -- Yeah, apparently, this was ramping up and the likelihood of being "found out" was getting riskier.

 

I seriously doubt this guy is going "back" to his wife to be committed. I'm more willing to bet he's found a different side piece or looking . . .

 

Forget about him and start focusing on YOU. If you've been anxious with him now for all the back and forth, imagine if he did leave his wife and marry you? You'd be walking on eggshells wondering if he would do the same thing to you . . .

 

for the third time I was brutally discarded this morning -- The definition of insanity is allowing the same thing over and over again expecting different results . . .

 

Don't be surprised if he comes back again and if he does . . . you should surprise him and tell him to keep walking because you don't want to be his doormat anymore.

[DKT3]

I know some will get upset but the hypocrisy in so many of these threads is hard to stomach. All these mw moaning about mm not leaving but at the end of the day they are climbing into bed with their own spouse. If these married men are all these bad things then what does that make the mw?

 

Maybe he won't leave because she hasn't resolved her own situation, why should he leave his marriage if she is still in hers?

 

I understand the pain of feeling mislead or betrayed, but one should accept what they dish out.

[ChickiePops]

I know some will get upset but the hypocrisy in so many of these threads is hard to stomach. All these mw moaning about mm not leaving but at the end of the day they are climbing into bed with their own spouse. If these married men are all these bad things then what does that make the mw?

 

Maybe he won't leave because she hasn't resolved her own situation, why should he leave his marriage if she is still in hers?

 

I understand the pain of feeling mislead or betrayed, but one should accept what they dish out.

 

Didn't realize the OP was married..Lime, what's going on in your own marriage? Where does your husband stand in all this?

[ladydesigner]

I know some will get upset but the hypocrisy in so many of these threads is hard to stomach. All these mw moaning about mm not leaving but at the end of the day they are climbing into bed with their own spouse. If these married men are all these bad things then what does that make the mw?

 

Maybe he won't leave because she hasn't resolved her own situation, why should he leave his marriage if she is still in hers?

 

I understand the pain of feeling mislead or betrayed, but one should accept what they dish out.

 

So true DKT3 it took me forever to get this as a fMOW. I remember being so caught up in my own feelings it never occurred to me that I was acting the same exact way, in fact after xOM ended things I played the victim card for a few

[imperfectangel]

Didn't realize the OP was married..Lime, what's going on in your own marriage? Where does your husband stand in all this?

 

I didn't realise either.

 

I think in the cases of mm and mw as opposed to a single ow many are waiting for the other to leave first. They don't want to leave their marriages in case he other ends up staying

[ChickiePops]

I didn't realise either.

 

I think in the cases of mm and mw as opposed to a single ow many are waiting for the other to leave first. They don't want to leave their marriages in case he other ends up staying

 

I don't know..this doesn't sound like one of those cases. It really does sound like the MM is not interested in any sort of relationship with Lime other than her being his silent eff buddy. He's dumped her multiple times for getting too attached to him...

[ladydesigner]

(((LimeBlue))) you know what you need to do! Save yourself hun let go of the rope, it's time to start tending to YOU! Go NC for good, it hurts but it works I've been NC with my xOM for 7 years now. He's a faint memory now one that I never think about anymore! It took me almost 2 years of NC to get to indifference.

[malvern99]

I don't know..this doesn't sound like one of those cases. It really does sound like the MM is not interested in any sort of relationship with Lime other than her being his silent eff buddy. He's dumped her multiple times for getting too attached to him...

 

I agree. A lot of MM and MW go into affairs with totally different goals. Most MM get into it for the physical side of it, while most MW get into it for the emotional side of it. That's why when they end badly (like they tend to) most MM are able to walk away relatively easily. It's easier for a MM to walk away from an A because he likely got what wanted. He achieved his goal, and that alone makes it easier for a MM to say goodbye (for now at least) without looking back.

 

OP, the way your MM treats you will only stop when you make it stop. Until you embrace that fact, you will just be a pawn to be manipulated to him. Ask yourself... How much of yourself have you given up to conduct this A with MM? What do you have to show for all that you have given up? Is what you have now worth it? I suspect you know the answers to these questions, and as painful as they may be, you have to face them in order to move forward in any real way. Hiding from the truth only perpetuates the madness. Good luck.

[BluesPower]

Cyra, you have a point, never say never, I could happen. Only it almost never does.

 

I just wish some of the people involved in affairs could understand a little better what is going.

 

Almost every time, for the men, it is about sex, not every single time, just the overwhelming amount of the time. For women it is usually about attention, feeling loved, the romance, and emotional connection. Most of the time.

 

For the other women, married or not, they always get S*** on. For me, I carry a lot of guilt for the women that I have hurt over the years. Even though I was straight with them, my only redeeming quality, most of them fell in love and got really hurt when it ended.

Edited October 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[S2B]

Its typical - when any OW has ANY expectations that the MM plans to change the situation and he doesn't intend to - it's the cowardly way out by agreeing to the terms to your face... That allows him to avoid the conflict.

 

Then... He doesn't do what's expected - and basically puts the OW in a time out as her punishment for expecting something from him.

 

IF he keeps her there long enough she seems happy to have crumbs once he resurfaces to get the sex he wants - and the OW is so desperate for anything she usually goes right back into the same sick cycle with him.

 

I hope you don't go back.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know some will get upset but the hypocrisy in so many of these threads is hard to stomach. All these mw moaning about mm not leaving but at the end of the day they are climbing into bed with their own spouse. If these married men are all these bad things then what does that make the mw?

 

Maybe he won't leave because she hasn't resolved her own situation, why should he leave his marriage if she is still in hers?

 

I understand the pain of feeling mislead or betrayed, but one should accept what they dish out.

 

This is a MW?

 

UGH.

[dreamingoftigers]

I didn't realise either.

 

I think in the cases of mm and mw as opposed to a single ow many are waiting for the other to leave first. They don't want to leave their marriages in case he other ends up staying

 

Wow. A marital game of Chicken....

[LimeBlue]

Urgh, this is such a standard play in the cheaters handbook it's nauseating.

 

''Of course I'll leave my spouse for you, I will do something about it on 'way in the future x date'.''

 

Then suddenly, time marches on and the future becomes the present and now they're expected to make good on their word. Their word that they never intended to keep in the first place. Why OW/OM are always surprised by the news that people who comfortably lie to everyone else in their life find it just as easy to lie to them I don't know.

 

So then, as the deadline looms it becomes 'Oh, well I was totally going to act towards leaving my spouse but then YOU did something to make me not so it's all your fault'.

 

Repeat ad nauseum until the end of the universe.

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to come across as unsympathetic but there are so many red flags waving all over this it's like a communist party parade.

 

No matter how you justify this to yourself this IS just an average affair. You are still number two to his wife and you always will be unless YOU do something to change it.

 

You believed him once. He didn't come through for you.

You believed him twice. He didn't come through for you.

You believed him a third time. He didn't come through for you.

 

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, so what do you think he's going to do if you give him another chance?

 

The fact is, he LIKES the way the situation is now. He get's to stay with his wife and have a pseudo-relationship with you. He has no incentive to change anything becuase he can placate you with false promises, fail to deliver on those promises and then.... enjoy the precisely zero consequences from that.

 

You cannot change him, you can only change yourself. If you want things to be different, do something different.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write this up for me. And thank you for making me laugh (communist party parade:lmao:) after all I have done is cry all day. Your last line is very pertinent.

[imperfectangel]

Wow. A marital game of Chicken....

 

I'm not saying it's true for everyone but I think it is for some

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm not saying it's true for everyone but I think it is for some

 

Oh no, I get it.

 

A lot of WS want to make sure someone that they don't fully invest in is fully invested in them before they grace them with their presence. Doesn't matter if that's BS or OW.

[sandylee1]

I remember Lime was married, but when you said you spent a 4 day weekend together I assumed you'd ended your marriage.

[Matahari007]

I don't think he ever had intentions of leaving his wife and used the tired line of 'this is a deal breaker' in order to make his exit. He doesn't know what he wants and he's not consistent. How much more heartbreak can you endure going on like this?

 

I wish you much peace.

[sandylee1]

He doesn't have kids either .... so he can't use that excuse. This is the wife that say is horrible and controlling .... that you've witnessed and others besides he have said it.

 

All that must say is he wants to be with her and he must love the control she has.

[DKT3]

I'm not saying it's true for everyone but I think it is for some

 

Future faking is a huge part of the fantasy, dreaming, hoping and in some cases believing that you have found your soulmate is part of the justification process. We were made for each other, how can I resist fate?

 

Hard facts very few women leave marriages for AP's, and even fewer men do.

 

Bottom line equation 2× entitlement + poor boundaries÷ delusion= affair

[elaine567]

 

All that must say is he wants to be with her and he must love the control she has.

 

Yes, something that is often ignored as being too crazy to contemplate maybe.

Some people like being controlled, it means they are safe and secure.

Take away the "controlling" wife then he is probably just a blubbery mass of jelly.

He knows that he is nothing without her, so he can't leave, can he?