Getting ratted out by roommates

[ktya]

I'll preface this. My now ex girlfriend had been suffering from medication - induced sexual dysfunction for months. A drug called risperidone with a 50% sexual dysfunction rate and then birth control pills made it worse. Her psych took her off the risperidone to try to solve the problem, then when that didn't work we opted to wing it and take her off the birth control and if that fixed it then she was going to get an IUD. This dysfunction went on from about April thru to September when she broke up with me.

 

As a backgrounder we used to have sex up to 6 times a day, every day when there was no monthly bill at least. It went from once a day at least down to once in 50. My gf (or now ex gf) also developed one hell of a drinking problem - I'm talking drinking until she passed out on the kitchen table, on the floor, she even concussed herself by banging her head into the shower tile (which she broke with her skull). I was carrying her to bed 4-6 tiimes a week deadlift. Hard to get in the mood when you're carrying her like a practical dead body so she can make it to work.

 

I loved her and a bunch of my exes understood my suffering (hey, they were my exes they knew my sex drive) and helped me out here and there while I tried to ride out the problem because they were empathetic (I'm friends with almost all of my exes, honestly I have to say I am lucky to have such cool exes, one even gave my gf a $600 purse).

 

Obviously this was supposed to be a discreet arrangement. I rent rooms in my house to people that neither my gf nor I or my exes know so there is no friendships involved.

 

As discreet as I have been about my infidelity, I have had roommates ratting me out. Despite telling my gf whenever these women came over and ensuring nobody saw anything, not making noise, these roommates have been ratting me out. I have tried to do it when nobody was home, or when everyone was sleeping, or when everyone was hanging out in their room. If we popped into my bedroom for a quickie we would even pop the door to make sure nobody was around and then pop out fully dressed.

 

Making matters worse, as I am friends with all my exes sometimes they literally just pop by, not for sex but just to hang out for a bit. For example one goes by my house on transit twice a day because that's the way she gets to work and back home. I can hardly deny an ex-fiancee the opportunity to use the bathroom and chill for 15-20 while she waits for a bus and make her wait across the street squirming.

 

I had one guy (roommate) actually get mad about one of those bathroom and bus wait visits - and nothing happened other than her taking a piss and we hung out in the backyard for a bit.

 

I would always think that if you are renting a room from your landlord, or even just sharing a house with friends, you stay the f**k out of their own relationship business. I mean, you live together so you are going to be privvy to some pretty personal stuff and you just wouldn't get involved.

 

I could see if it was your friend who was getting cheated on, that's different. Or if the roommate was your friend, having a word with him/her. But telling the roommates gf/bf about the infidelity when you have no real relationship with him/her or the gf/bf seems to me like sticking the nose in other people's business.

 

I only post this because I've had this happen a few times with different girlfriends in different situations with different roommates and it's positively infuriating.

 

How do you deal with these kinds of people or the fallout from the damage that they cause? I dont set out to cheat but sometimes things happen especially when sexual dysfunction or long periods of absence are involved. I'm getting sick of this. When I rent rooms I even stipulate that people do not get involved in other people's relationships because I've seen it third party as well and it causes nothing but a hell hole to live in until they leave.

 

Obviously not having roommates is an answer, but in this city it is very expensive to live so financially this isn't really an option - it can be up to $1400 for a batchelor suite here.

 

I'm tired of getting outed by people who barely know me or my girlfriends.

[greaterdevil]

I'm tired of getting outed by people who barely know me or my girlfriends.

 

I suppose your looking for an answer other than: stop cheating?

 

For real though, if you've had it happen multiple times and want to continue being a POS, at least stop doing it in front of your roommates, huh? Spring for a hotel, or go to her place.

 

You see, decent people are in general going to tell their roommates that they're being played. If my roommate stole my other roommate's iPod, I'm gonna rat them out because they're the one who's up to no good. Doesn't matter who I'm friends with.

 

EDIT: and while she was having medical issues, too. You sound like a catch.

Edited October 4, 2016 by greaterdevil
snarky post-script.

[VeveCakes]

I have a similar living situation, own my house and rent rooms out. As I am dating a few people right now, I just tell my room mates that I am having friends over and that I am dating around and not exclusive so not to worry about who is coming and going.

 

It might be a bit harder for you since you are cheating but maybe just say you have a mutual arrangement with your girlfriend and you would appreciate it if you werent judged and they kept their opinions to themselves because it was making your gf uncomfortable.

[ChickiePops]

Really? Your roommates are the ones causing damage and not the guy who's cheating on his sick girlfriend? Honey no. YOU are the one damaging your relationships, not them.

 

The absolute only answer here is to stop cheating. Then your (kind, decent) roommates will have nothing to rat you out about.

[Zenstudent]

This is a no brainer...

Convert your GF to exGF, problem solved.

You can continue to screw all your exes, because there's no one to rat you out to.

[wmacbride]

SO your firebrand wastaking risperidone, which from what I understand, is used in the treatment of schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder and certain form of autism spectrum disorder.

 

Some questions:

(a) who's idea was it to stop taking it because it interfered with your need to have sex 6 times a day? Why was she taking it in the first place/ Which med. was it replaced with?

 

(b) Did she start drinking before or after she stopped taking it?

 

© If she is, as you say, your ex-girlfriend, then why does it matter what you are doing with your exes?

 

(d) What sort of person is nice to your ex-girlfriend's face while sleeping ith you behind her back?

[BetrayedH]

Kind and decent people don't like seeing other people betrayed. And it's not uncommon for those kind and decent people to want to see a stop put to it.

 

If you wanted to act like you're single, then you should have given your GF the knowledge to make an informed decision about whether she agreed to that arrangement, or perhaps that she'd also like to play single, or perhaps that she'd actually like to be single. You denied her those choices and tricked her into staying faithfully with you. That's pretty unethical and a waste of the one life she has to live in this world. Frankly, shame on you for doing that. And kudos to your roommates for refusing to participate in her betrayal.

 

This is no one's fault but your own.

[xxoo]

I'm glad to hear that you've broken up. It was a severely dysfunctional relationship, no place for a young woman with all these health problems. I hope she is back on her meds and her family is getting her the help she needs.

[Cephalopod]

Your girlfriend doesn't want to be a part of your harem. Nuff said.

[ktya]

SO your firebrand wastaking risperidone, which from what I understand, is used in the treatment of schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder and certain form of autism spectrum disorder.

 

Bipolar.

 

(a) who's idea was it to stop taking it because it interfered with your need to have sex 6 times a day? Why was she taking it in the first place/ Which med. was it replaced with?

 

Her psychiatrist and her. The sexual dysfunction was really bothering her.

 

(b) Did she start drinking before or after she stopped taking it?

 

She's always been a heavy drinker. Not a daily drinker. But drinking far beyond her quota when she does drink.

 

© If she is, as you say, your ex-girlfriend, then why does it matter what you are doing with your exes?

 

Good question. She broke up with me over some really strange bizarre fights. I wanted to go camping and she didn't, so she completely out of character ended up downtown in the middle of the night high on crystal meth. She had never done that before. If I knew a more bizarre reaction to a boyfriend trying to insist spending a weekend together I certainly can't recall it.

 

(d) What sort of person is nice to your ex-girlfriend's face while sleeping ith you behind her back?

 

I dont understand the context of this question, unless you're talking about my ex girlfriends. They started by being nice to her face, but eventually started avoiding her because when we hung out she got so dead drunk I had to pick her up off the floor and she would get combatative with everyone and argumentative (ie. off bipolar meds completely - I did try to remind her to take them)

[NuevoYorko]

Why have a girlfriend at all when evidently you have dozens of willing exes to service you upon command?

 

JSYK if I had a housemate with a mentally ill girlfriend he used, abused and cheated on - you bet I'd tell her. She has a lot of serious problems and it would upset me to see her victimized.

 

The only way to assure your privacy is to live by yourself.

[Standard-Fare]

So your roommates told your (now ex) GF about your cheating, and you're blaming that as the cause of your breakup? You kinda glazed over that element of the story.

 

I agree that your roommates shouldn't be mingling in your business, but they're clearly not just "strangers" if they were close enough with your GF to reveal that news. They must have had some prior relationship with the GF, which I have to guess grew out of a connection with you? So were these roommates kinda sorta friends?

 

Either way, you're not going to find much sympathy pouting about how unfair it is that you got caught cheating. And if you have any common sense you must know that the outcome of a breakup was the best one possible here, even if the way it happened felt out of your control. You weren't happy in this relationship, sounds like your GF wasn't either... that was gonna implode one way or the other.

[Haydn]

You don`t sound like the victim here. (Judging by a previous thread)

 

These people did the right thing.

 

I would have done the same. (Grassed you up)

 

Sorry but you get zilch sympathy from me.

[Grapesofwrath]

ktya: Please let your x-gf seek treatment in peace. If you took any time to understand bipolar disorder, you would know that substance abuse and bipolar disease go hand in hand. Being disinterested in sex can be a side effect of the medications, but going on a crystal meth bender is one of the side effects of going without them.

 

You are a toxic and dangerous person for her to be around. Try to scrape it together to do her this one kindness: Leave her alone.

[usernameisvalid]

... stop cheating? ...

 

Well said..

[Cephalopod]

Your girlfriend's abuse of alcohol and your proclivity for spreading your seed to as many women as possible are two completely separate issues.

 

Only a cheating coward would try to connect the two behaviors together as a reason to do what he does.

 

You are not monogamous. Stop getting into committed relationships if you have no intention of being committed.

[Lion Heart]

Are you looking at YOURSELF here?

Your OWN BEHAVIOURS?

 

Would you want a STRANGER to report a person who keyed your car for example?

Or should THAT be none of their business either?

 

When GOOD and MORAL people SEE SH** Cheaters do, they DO tell the BETRAYED person.

Good on your roommates! Lol.

 

You glossed over ALOT here.

You have ALOT of exes right?

Have you thought about WHY?

 

From my POV women can only handle being in a relationship with you UNTIL THEY FIND OUT what you really are. An unrepentant serial cheat.

 

You might have a great personality but you're not boyfriend or no way near HUSBAND material. Hence they stay friends and some think low enough of themselves to be your piece on the side but none of this lasts long. Obviously.

 

So IF YOUR GF knew about all these OW as you say. And she was "ok" about it. Then what's the problem here?

 

The problem is you.

 

Obviously your gf loved you enough to TRY to cope with your crazy infidelities. She probably NEEDED that much alcohol to try to cope with YOU and what you were doing.

 

Rolling infidelities for a betrayed partner is SHEER HELL.

You put this gf of yours through hell and she already couldn't cope with life.

 

The camping trip?

Yeah I WOULDN'T WANT to be stuck out in the middle of nowhere with you either! Being used as funnel for your needs 6 times a day even if I'd passed out. No one there to help me get away from you.

 

She was a "creature" for you. She ended up GETTING that. Your insistence and persistence in getting what YOU wanted regardless of what SHE was going through put the writing on the wall in HUGE neon lights.

 

At least she had the sense to end it.

 

I'm not sure why you'd be complaining? The difficult woman is out of the picture now.

 

Just do whatever you want to now.

 

Be very sure to tell all the women you're sleeping with that you are having sex with multiple women. Just so they know the risks of STDs and STIs is SUPER HIGH.

 

Lion Heart

[Whoknew30]

This has nothing to do with "morals"...your roommates are hating on you hard. Do I think cheating is right, no but I do know when men are jealous & when men are sitting around seeing another man have a bunch of women coming in & out & they're not getting layed, they turn on the man that is.

 

They're jealous & either trying to date your girlfriend or just destroying you. I've grown up with all men & when there is one guy getting more attention from women then the rest of them, men get more jealous than women.

 

The fact that you're not married (& for your sake I hope you change before that day) lessons it a bit...you're not living with anyone, no one as of right now has a ring & since you haven't made any of those actual commitments, you're not bound to marriage rules...have fun but don't make false promises & if you want to keep up the casual goings...move into your own place! Good luck!

[ktya]

Actually they were strangers in every case.

 

Kicking around my house for two months does not a good friend make to anyone, when you got here by way of a craigslist ad.

[xxoo]

Actually they were strangers in every case.

 

Kicking around my house for two months does not a good friend make to anyone, when you got here by way of a craigslist ad.

 

By your descriptions, your ex had some serious medical and drinking issues. Surely your roommates had concern for this young woman, friend of not. It's just human decency.

[ktya]

By your descriptions, your ex had some serious medical and drinking issues. Surely your roommates had concern for this young woman, friend of not. It's just human decency.

 

Concern would be getting her to take her meds and to calm down her drinking. Not stirring up drama.

[xxoo]

Concern would be getting her to take her meds and to calm down her drinking. Not stirring up drama.

 

Strangers would be powerless to do those things.

 

They did what was in their power to help her out of a bad situation.

[S2B]

Stop calling anyone your girlfriend if you treat them with this kind of disrespect.

 

You want to cheat? Stay single!!!

 

And you certainly pick a gal to be your GF from the bottom of the barrel and then criticize her - that's dispicable.

 

Stay single and date who you want to - that way it's not cheating.

[ChickiePops]

Concern would be getting her to take her meds and to calm down her drinking. Not stirring up drama.

 

If you had kept it in your pants there wouldn't have been any drama to stir up.

[gettingstronger]

Sounds like your roommates are annoyed by your antics- My guess is when their lease is up-they'll be gone-your problem will be solved-