Getting ratted out by roommates

[hotgurl]

What a crock. So the girl not only tells me, "If you want sex and I'm sleeping go ahead as long as you dont wake me up" stone cold sober, she lives with me, or she pops on lingerie and lures me into the bedroom for nookie and when I am in the middle of the act at 6:50pm I notice she has passed out, I'm now a rapist?

 

F off. I wasnt taking advantage of some girl at a frat party passed out on the couch. I'm getting sick and tired of this line of thinking. STFU. I'm not a rapist. Kiss my a**

 

short answer yes. even if she gave you permission going ahead and doing it is creepy af. just jerk one off. she is not a humane masturbation device.

[hotgurl]

but to answer the op.

 

your roommates are under no obligation to keep your secrets.

 

you took a risk by cheating, knowing if caught you might be dumped. You lost. so suck it up and leave her alone.

 

you made the choice to cheat. how she found out doesn't matter. Now you must suffer the consequences.

[merrmeade]

God bless your ex girlfriends who put up with your self-centred, entitled attitude and behavior. Because, your behavior would not be tolerated by any woman who valued herself and had any kind of self respect.

God bless them all right for demeaning themselves to service their ex-boyfriend's biological need as if he were a penned up breeding bull. Not to mention his he-man hubris: "they were my exes they knew my sex drive."

[wmacbride]

What a crock. So the girl not only tells me, "If you want sex and I'm sleeping go ahead as long as you dont wake me up" stone cold sober, she lives with me, or she pops on lingerie and lures me into the bedroom for nookie and when I am in the middle of the act at 6:50pm I notice she has passed out, I'm now a rapist?

 

F off. I wasnt taking advantage of some girl at a frat party passed out on the couch. I'm getting sick and tired of this line of thinking. STFU. I'm not a rapist. Kiss my a**

 

I'm not getting this, so maybe you can explain it ...

 

You say she was stone cold sober when she told you that,and then she lures you into the bedroom as passes out at 10 to seven pm?

 

That doesn't add up. If she passed out while you were "in the middle of the act" then she was really drunk ( or suffering the effects of the combination of her meds. and alcohol) when you started, and someone who is that drunk can't give consent in many states.

 

At any rate, your op centred around your annoyance that people, in your mind, stuck their noses into your business. I'm relay finding it had to understand why you are so surprised. They owe you no loyalty, and may not have been to pleased with you having sex behind your mentally ill girlfriend's back.

 

Is that really who you are, as a person? A guy who sc@#$s his mentally ill girlfriend who's passed out drunk and invites his ex-girlfriends over then has sex with them in the home he shares with said mentally ill girlfriend?

 

I'm confused about whether or not you two are still together, but if you are, I would suggest you make sure she has a good support system in place and then end your relationship with her, even if you love her very much. You can't give her what she needs, which is stability, and that goes a lot further than just making sure she gets bloodwork done and takes her meds. It's providing her with a stable home, and that doesn't include having sex with ex-girlfriend FWB's in your home you share with her or blacked out drunk sex.

[ktya]

I'm not getting this, so maybe you can explain it ...

 

You say she was stone cold sober when she told you that,and then she lures you into the bedroom as passes out at 10 to seven pm?

 

The permission for passed out sex was completely sober. Completely, it was a morning conversation over coffee because I was trying to wake her up with a big surprise.

 

The luring me into the bedroom and passing out at 650pm was a completely different day.

 

This is why I was pushing her to get a hematocrit and LFT test. A 21 year old should be lapping me, not passing out before 7 oclock. I think she may be either anemic or having liver damage from the drinking.

 

She was the one who put on the lingerie and lured me into the bedroom. If you know much about lingerie it's not quite easy to pop on a corset with stockings. She bought the lingerie btw.

Edited October 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[merrmeade]

But isn't a question of relevance to your thread topic a matter of how bad or dire the information is that your roommates are sharing with your ex-girlfriend? For example, if you witnessed a murder in the street, you should report it. No question. It's a law but also a moral obligation because of the value the witness places on human life. So isn't it important to examine what you did and why they felt she should know? Whether people think the roommates have a moral right to rat on you based on the offensiveness or depravity of your actions or the disrespect to her IS relevant.

 

And to remind again: You ARE in the infidelity section. If you insist on limiting the topic to roommate rights versus landlord, that's another forum.

[merrmeade]

But hope you don't run away. You would've known this in the first place. Do you always have to hear what you expect or like? You posted here for a reason.

[BlueIris]

1. Get a condo or apartment you can afford alone. Spend more time making money than having sex (6x a day? That’s a problem that would impair functioning in daily life and income). Focus on earning money to afford a home without renters.

 

2. Stop cheating on your GFs.

 

3. Screen renters by asking them how they feel about keeping cheating secret. Maybe even put in the lease that they are not allowed to communicate in any way with anyone you know or they get evicted. Might be hard to get renters that you'd want to live with though. Most ethical people wouldn't agree and unethical people are more likely to take advantage of you and your many GFs.

[Grapesofwrath]

To refer back to your OP...this is the only question that I saw within it:

 

"How do you deal with these kinds of people or the fallout from the damage that they cause?"

 

The rest of your post contains statements only, and the question implies that others will have experienced a situation similar enough to yours that we could respond from a place of knowledge and understanding.

 

Given that, the only answer I have is that I don't create situations in my life in which others can create damage by revealing my actions. If you live your life with integrity, you don't have to worry about anyone telling people what you are doing.

 

In the past, I have done things that were dishonest. During those times, I would fear the repercussions of people finding out/revealing my secrets. I don't do that anymore. Problem solved.

[ktya]

Im not addressing any of the "rape" questions anymore. It might be weird for some to hear of the paramaters of our relationship but it was completely consensual, right down to me telling her the next morning if I had sex while she was sleeping. Not my favorite thing I'd much rather have sex with someone engaged in the process but I was trying not to cheat. Once every 50 days and some of those times having her pass out when we're living together, I'm sorry, but it is just how it went. She doesn't feel raped and it wasn't a secret. If you dont understand fine.

 

On the roommate thing

 

Yes I could get a place to myself but a batchelor suite in this town is $1400 a month ($400 a month more than I pay now for a 4 bdrm). It's hard to give up a detached house and yard to live in a zero bedroom place. That obviously would give me the privacy I needed.

 

Honestly I'd rather just have a girlfriend who wasnt dead drunk or passing out all the time so I wouldn't need to lean on the empathy of my awesome ex girlfriends. Which leads me to another topic.

 

I'm being accosted by some of the jaded here for being such an amazing dick. I am friends with all of my ex girlfriends going back 20 years save for 3. Multiple of them are willing to "help a brother out" when my girlfriend has sexual dysfuction issues. One of them gave my girlfriend a hug and a $600 Micheal Kors purse, plus a coach cluch and a Calvin Klein handbag plus a designer wallet for me and another designer Michael Kors wallet for her. The moral of my story isn't that I'm some player, it's that my ex girlfriends are some of my best friends. I didn't break up with them because I was an *******. The relationship just didn't work out. I'm a good boyfriend. You might label "oh well you cheated" but you're obviously not understanding what it's like to be monogamous and forced to keep your dick in your hands for 2 months at a time with a girl who you love for all intensive purposes but who can't fulfull your physical needs. Every relationship has its nuances, some good some bad.

 

Rooommates

 

I would normally think it would be a roommmate ettiquite to keep your mouth shut about whatever is going on in your other roommmates relationships. If the person was your friend, fine, if the cheater was your friend you bring it up with him/her and tell them if it continues you won't keep the secret because you dont agree with it. fine. But people she/he have known for under 2 months sticking their nose in other people's business but only have a relationship relevant to paying rent and renting a room is garbage.

 

That's like you or I getting caught kissing someone on a transit train and some practical complete stranger going out of their way to rat you out because they live in the same building. It's rediculous. They don't know what is going in on the relationship, whether it's open, monogamous, on the rocks, suffering sexual dysfunction from one or the other side, revenge cheating or simply a close relationship with a sister, cousin or ex.

 

Gotta love the armchair experts. This site used to be so open and good. I've been accused of being a rapist, what's next, axe murderer? Give me a break. I've been quite clear.

 

Now lets talk about the roommate revelation problem please.

[ChickiePops]

If I saw someone getting cheated on, even if they were a stranger, I would try to let the spouse know. It's just the right thing to do.

 

Cheating is never ok, and you have not yet acknowledged the fact that you did something terribly wrong.

[wmacbride]

I know you are expecting sympathy because you had to go two whole months without sex, but That is no excuse to cheat on your girlfriend. To break up, yes, maybe so, but to cheat?

No.

 

i would suggest that you stop blaming your actions on your girlfriend, and stop blaming getting caught on your room mates.

 

As for your "friends'. Who the hell cares if she gave your gf expensive purses.

" oh, sorry I slept with your boyfriend, but hey, here's a purse to make up for it":laugh:

 

Also, you claim to have not wnated any of the other factors in your life discussed. If this is the case, then why did you post all the details, when it wasn't necessary? You could have posted in a more general forum of the board and only included that your room mates were gossiping. If you didn't want the other areas discussed, why bring them up in the first place?

[ShatteredLady]

Do you know which of your tenants told your gf about your infidelity? Was it just one of them on one occasion? Do you know the circumstances that led-up to her being told?

 

Did she go away for the night when these infidelities took place or was she passed-out sometimes? Could she of asked someone to keep an eye on you?

 

I've known people who rented just a room in someone's house. They were NOT friends with their landlord. Do you all socialize together? Party together? Do they have friendships with your gf?

 

Do you all prepare your own meals or sit down to eat together? Watch tv together?

 

I find it a bit strange that you say that they are just your tenants, no connections, just cash transaction but they are so very aware of what you're doing in your private life?!?!

 

Did you brag about your conquests in the past? Has your gf been distressed by past infidelities? Are they aware of how fragile she is?

 

 

If you ONLY want this subject discussed maybe a little more information could help?!?! I know more about your sexual habits with your gf than your tenants! Are they male/female? How long have they rented from you? Etc

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm being accosted by some of the jaded here for being such an amazing dick. I am friends with all of my ex girlfriends going back 20 years save for 3. Multiple of them are willing to "help a brother out" when my girlfriend has sexual dysfuction issues. One of them gave my girlfriend a hug and a $600 Micheal Kors purse, plus a coach cluch and a Calvin Klein handbag plus a designer wallet for me and another designer Michael Kors wallet for her. The moral of my story isn't that I'm some player, it's that my ex girlfriends are some of my best friends. I didn't break up with them because I was an *******. The relationship just didn't work out. I'm a good boyfriend. You might label "oh well you cheated" but you're obviously not understanding what it's like to be monogamous and forced to keep your dick in your hands for 2 months at a time with a girl who you love for all intensive purposes but who can't fulfull your physical needs. Every relationship has its nuances, some good some bad.

 

.

 

I've given you my answer to your roommate quandary.

 

I will add, however, that the expression is "all intents and purposes." You're welcome.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The permission for passed out sex was completely sober.

 

LOL - does the OP simply have no understanding of the law?

 

 

It doesn't matter the "stone cold sober" condition of the person when she "gave permission" for future passed-out sex. She was indisputably raped each and every time you carried it out.

 

 

Anyone can read and comprehend the letter of the law as written:

 

 

"IF someone is too under-the-influence to consent to sex (at the time the sex is happening) then it is RAPE".

 

 

Everyone on the planet knows this to be the case even though other rapists take their chances too.

 

 

 

SO, OP, this still has exactly nothing to do with the roommates.

 

 

And perhaps were you not a repeat rapist, you might then be eligible to draw from a better crowd of roommates.

[merrmeade]

Anyone can read and comprehend the letter of the law as written:"IF someone is too under-the-influence to consent to sex (at the time the sex is happening) then it is RAPE".

fyi:

Definition of rape from the US Dept. of Justice updated Jan 6, 2012:

“The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetrationby a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”

UK adopted the same definition in 2003. New York has a definition for every kind of rape. This would fall under "Physically helpless." The definition is "Physically unable to indicate a lack of consent. For example, the victim is unconscious, asleep, or has a physical disability that makes one unable to physically or verbally communicate lack of consent."

 

Prosecution depends on the DA, not the victim, if there's enough evidence. It is entirely up to the prosecutor and the victim does not decide whether or not charges should be dropped.

 

The question for the DA is whether the case is strong enough for a jury to convict. I would suspect that the girlfriend corroborating his claim that she gave him permission to 'rape' her (even though she didn't think of it as rape) when she was sober would be a problem. They'd probably have to determine how aware she was, when she gave the consent, that she would really be completely unconscious and inert when he penetrated her. Doubtful a DA would bother trying to convince a jury that (a) she didn't realize what she was agreeing to and (b) it was still rape regardless of what gf thought when she was sober.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My gf (or now ex gf) also developed one hell of a drinking problem - I'm talking drinking until she passed out on the kitchen table, on the floor, she even concussed herself by banging her head into the shower tile (which she broke with her skull). I was carrying her to bed 4-6 tiimes a week deadlift...

 

 

the girlfriend corroborating his claim that she gave him permission to 'rape' her when she was sober would be a problem.

 

 

This sounds as if you haven't even read the previous posts.

 

 

'Sobriety' has nothing to do with any of this scenario.

[BaileyB]

So, you want to focus on the roommates and that is fine. Basically, you are wanting to focus attention and blame on the roommates for your irresponsible behavior.

 

But, the reason why people are more focused on the infidelity and the fact that you are having sex with an unstable, unconscious woman is because these are the big issues.

 

Why you would even want to have sex with a woman you know is vulnerable and unconscious is beyond me... And why your "friends" would want to "help a brother out" is also beyond me. The whole thing is messed up!

 

This relationship is unbelievably unhealthy, particulalry for her. Focusing on the roommates is like the house is burning down and you are worried about whether you locked the door.

 

But, by all means, let's continue to focus on the roommates...

[ktya]

Do you know which of your tenants told your gf about your infidelity? Was it just one of them on one occasion? Do you know the circumstances that led-up to her being told?

 

I have an idea about two. I know for certain about one. One I kicked out for having 4 day cocaine parties in my house (I don't tolerate cocaine and 4 24 hour days is hardly keeping it on the DL). I suspect another I kicked out for rampant cocaine use was another but I'm not sure. Another wanted $80 more in deposit than was owed, I know through a third party that some conversation took place once she got the UHAUL truck packed.

 

Did she go away for the night when these infidelities took place or was she passed-out sometimes? Could she of asked someone to keep an eye on you?

 

Oddly enough, no. I never did anything when she was in the house or coming home. I was very careful not to do anything blatantly in front of roommates as I had had previous issues with roommates sticking their nose into my personal business. Everything was very discreet. At best they knew I had had girls over, but I had told my gf that these girls were coming over so it wasnt secret that they were here.

 

It wasn't like I was cavorting playing Mr. Mack in a way that would make the roommates feel uncomfortable. Mostly all they saw was me sitting across the kitchen table from an ex that my gf knew was over already because I told her myself. Nobody caught me in the act and it wasnt all flirtatious. My exes knew I had a girlfriend and that I loved her, they weren't here for getting back together or love. They were only here as friends.

 

I've known people who rented just a room in someone's house. They were NOT friends with their landlord. Do you all socialize together? Party together? Do they have friendships with your gf?

 

Sometimes we partied together. The extent of their relationship with my gf was only measured in weeks, not months, and half the times we partied together my gf was embarassing herself, blackout drunk, clipping her skull into kitchen appliances or passing out on the kitchen table and I was carrying her to bed so she doesn't even remember half of it.

 

Do you all prepare your own meals or sit down to eat together? Watch tv together?

 

Meals and food are not shared here. Rarely even watch TV together.

 

I find it a bit strange that you say that they are just your tenants, no connections, just cash transaction but they are so very aware of what you're doing in your private life?!?!

 

Me too. I tried to keep my indescretions descreet and other than knowing that "so and so" came over (which wasnt a secret to my gf) they weren't privvy to much about my private life. They didn't even really know that these girls were my exes in most cases except for one.

 

Did you brag about your conquests in the past? Has your gf been distressed by past infidelities? Are they aware of how fragile she is?

 

No, no bragging. My gf was distressed by past infidelities, because I was cheating on an ex with her and got sick of the cheating so I broke up with the ex to be with her because we couldn't keep our hands off eachother no matter how hard we tried. I broke up with a fiancee to be with her to be a better man. The other exes who came over to help me out knew how much I loved her and had no love interest and were more than willing to get out of the way and let me persue the relationship with her.

 

I know more about your sexual habits with your gf than your tenants! Are they male/female? How long have they rented from you? Etc

 

I usually keep an even mix of tenants. I have a 4 bdrm house and rent out three rooms. Recently, I had one couple renting a room, one male (who I know is solid) and another male (the cokehead I had to kick out). Nobody in the house had been here more than 2 months. I have a probationary period of 2 months in the rental agreement because for the first month tenants are great, but by month 2 if they are crazy it comes out - that way I dont have to give notice.

[Zenstudent]

You won't consider any of the things you actually are in full control of:

• Stop cheating
  
• Stop having a girlfriend
  
• Stop having roommates
  

You insist on controlling what can't, other people's actions and behavior. Or maybe you could just make them pass out just before you receive favors from your exes?

[merrmeade]

Originally Posted by ShatteredLady

Do you know which of your tenants told your gf about your infidelity? Was it just one of them on one occasion? Do you know the circumstances that led-up to her being told?

I have an idea about two. I know for certain about one. One I kicked out for having 4 day cocaine parties in my house (I don't tolerate cocaine and 4 24 hour days is hardly keeping it on the DL). I suspect another I kicked out for rampant cocaine use was another but I'

m

not sure. Another wanted $80 more in deposit than was owed, I know through a third party that some conversation took place once she got the UHAUL truck packed.

 

I never did anything when she was in the house or coming home. I was very careful not to do anything blatantly in front of roommates as I had had previous issues with roommates sticking their nose into my personal business. Everything was very discreet.

 

It wasn't like I was cavorting playing Mr. Mack in a way that would make the roommates feel uncomfortable. Nobody caught me in the act and it wasnt all flirtatious.

.

Sounds like you already have an idea which one told her, but you do NOT know whether they were genuinely offended by what they saw (or were told) or just wanted to hurt you. And obviously your argument of how discreet you were is moot because the fact is that SOMEBODY figured it out.

 

More important, you marginally succeeded in holding this thread hostage to the absurd query of who ratted you out. I think it became clear to you at some point that no one agreed or perhaps even followed your logic that you'd worked out in your mind to justify the infidelity. It was carefully laid out in your first post but then completely ignored by virtually every single response. So you reframed the effort to gain sympathy for your plight as the "devoted" bf trying to care for his very disturbed gf and continued holding onto it and simply began asserting it more discreetly. In fact, I believe that the real purpose of your posting here is to somehow have this rationalization validated.

 

But let's look at that logic more closely: In your mind, you were acting out of necessity. This arrangement, because it was purely physical, merely solved a problem, a genuine physical need of yours that was recognized by the exes as a group. You would continue to "care" for the gf, making sure she didn't disappear, die or otherwise harm herself during her drunken episodes. The exes helped you out of "compassion" with the knowledge that you were in love with your gf.

My exes knew I had a girlfriend and that I loved her, they weren't here for getting back together or love. They were only here as friends.

You've continued to allude to the arrangement as a plausible, normal solution to your uniquely intense, unrelieved sexual drive, which these women understood about you and were willing to help out with as friends do in a bind. Therefore in your mind, the absence of emotion made it ok because it did not take away from your commitment to the gf. You believed that you were not being unfaithful because you maintained emotional fidelity to your gf by separating your intense, purely physical need for sex from your exclusive emotional commitment to her.

 

Now, come one. Even you must see how this sounds to other people not living your lifestyle. The fact that your liaisons have no emotional basis would even be a problem for most people, but that question—What is monogamy and what is promiscuity?—is a separate discussion. The crux of tha matter is that the vast majority of people posting here view infidelity as powerfully destructive, so calculated promiscuity, as they see it, outside an otherwise exclusive, committed relationship would be insupportable to them. I can't imagine that you are not aware of their perspective and think that either you want to be straightened out or you're just determined to make everyone ignore this most incongruous and disturbing element of your story and help you figure out the mystery of the tattle-tell roommate - just because those are the rules of the site.

 

It's no different from any other cheater's mindset. Just a lot more interesting.

[ktya]

Zen's comment was good until it got snarky.

 

Mermade's comment was very thoughtful and insigthful.

 

My exes were helping me fulfill a need to give me time to try to help my gf return back to normal, back to the way we were. I need not remind; but I must, that my gf ended up in the downtown eastside smoking crystal meth - which was never normal behavior for her - over a minor disagreement about whether to go camping.

 

I really miss the girl I fell in love with. I went from shopping for engagement rings to single in the course of 6 hours. All this after 6 months of sexual dysfunction and holding in even backfilling in exes to fulfill my physical needs while I waited for a medical resolution.

[Cephalopod]

Zen's comment was good until it got snarky.

 

Mermade's comment was very thoughtful and insigthful.

 

My exes were helping me fulfill a need to give me time to try to help my gf return back to normal, back to the way we were. I need not remind; but I must, that my gf ended up in the downtown eastside smoking crystal meth - which was never normal behavior for her - over a minor disagreement about whether to go camping.

 

I really miss the girl I fell in love with. I went from shopping for engagement rings to single in the course of 6 hours. All this after 6 months of sexual dysfunction and holding in even backfilling in exes to fulfill my physical needs while I waited for a medical resolution.

 

But why would you want her back. If she's hooked on meth you know she is giving it up for multiple guys to get her fix. She's got guys bustin nuts in her in exchange for rock.

[merrmeade]

Zen's comment was good until it got snarky.

 

Mermade's comment was very thoughtful and insigthful.

 

My exes were helping me fulfill a need to give me time to try to help my gf return back to normal, back to the way we were. I need not remind; but I must, that my gf ended up in the downtown eastside smoking crystal meth - which was never normal behavior for her - over a minor disagreement about whether to go camping.

 

I really miss the girl I fell in love with. I went from shopping for engagement rings to single in the course of 6 hours. All this after 6 months of sexual dysfunction and holding in even backfilling in exes to fulfill my physical needs while I waited for a medical resolution.

No, I wasn't snarky. I tried to lay it out as I think you see it. Doesn't mean I agree with it or approve, you realize. Nor that you necessarily agree with everything I said, but sounds like you feel understood in part.

 

So, k, you're okay with calling it a rationalization? It's your mind allowing you to go on with your life in spite of some conflict in feelings/impulses/values - hence, defense mechanism. It means you're trying to make your mind okay with something that some part of you has a problem with. You get that, right?

 

What I see - if you're agreeing with that analysis of your logic - is that promiscuity is not an issue because it's just sex, just physical. You seem to believe that what's important is love, which means commiting yourself and being loyal emotionally, right? So is it possible to 'love' more than one person at a time?

 

Also wondering - Do you hope to get married some day? Not that you need to. It's just easier to understand the lifestyle and morality framework if you're not. Otherwise, it will be (probably) exTREMEly difficult to set aside the habits. Anyway, that was my husband's excuse.

 

?

[wmacbride]

Zen's comment was good until it got snarky.

 

Mermade's comment was very thoughtful and insigthful.

 

My exes were helping me fulfill a need to give me time to try to help my gf return back to normal, back to the way we were. I need not remind; but I must, that my gf ended up in the downtown eastside smoking crystal meth - which was never normal behavior for her - over a minor disagreement about whether to go camping.

 

I really miss the girl I fell in love with. I went from shopping for engagement rings to single in the course of 6 hours. All this after 6 months of sexual dysfunction and holding in even backfilling in exes to fulfill my physical needs while I waited for a medical resolution.

 

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but a lot of bi-polar people self medicate with street drugs. Your behvaior may well have sent her into a downward spiral, but of course, NONE of this is your fault..at least in your mind.

 

Again, I know you don't like being called out for your behavior, but it's hard to drum up any sympathy for a man who puts his sex drive ahead of everything else and who claims to love his mentally ill girlfriend while engaging in behvaior ( cheating) that could very well have destroyed her if she found out.

 

Stop blaming her for your choices. It's not he roommates who cheated on your girlfriend, and since they are not your friends, they owed you zero loyalty. They are tenants, and you can't control what they do. If you don't want people to spill the beans about your behavior, then live alone. The realy ironic thing about your thread is that you expected more loyalty from them than you ever gave your girlfriend- the things you did for her and the expensive gifts from your f-buddy girlfriend don't make up for that.

Edited October 7, 2016 by wmacbride