What if you don't like your parents as people?

[Trinity_84]

Lately I've been sort of realizing I might not like my parents.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for everything they've done for me throughout my life, they've supported me and been there for me when I need them, and they were in general terms, "good" parents (taught us good morals, showed us the value of a good education always, etc etc).

 

However, as people, now that I am an adult myself, I think they're not too great.

 

My dad shows no interest in getting to know me, sometimes no respect. He referred to my ex as "that guy you dated" (even though they met and we lived together for years). He doesn't like dancing with me because "romantic songs shouldn't be danced with daughters." He's bitter towards my mother (they've been separated for over 5 years now) and he has criticized my appearance on occasion. He's emotionally unattached, to say the freaking least.

 

My mother, on the other hand, is incredibly sensitive. She talks about my dad constantly. She is a HUGE gossip. She is not a private person, she talks about money and posessions constantly. Once I had to go to the doctor (for something I haven't disclosed to her bc she tells EVERYTHING to EVERYONE), and in front everyone she asked me why I'm seeing a doctor (very inappropriate to ask something so personal in front of others). She believes when others tell her that my sister and I don't care for her because we're not on her beck and call 24/7 (we are both in our 30's with our own lives, she expects us to always be there and always be nice to her and always be on her team). She has been a very negative influlence in my life. She has literally admitted she is "afraid of men" and passed on that negativity to us. She used to tell us that "men promise you stuff until they **** you, then they're gone." Yes, she literally said that to me when I was a teenager. At the moment, my sister is not on talking terms with her (I don't exactly know why but I would understand).

 

There are more examples of these awful personality traits in my parents. Sometimes I can't stand them. Sometimes I wish I could just only talk to them once a month or something.

 

What if I just don't like them as people? Am I supposed to? What am I supposed to do?

 

I only love them because I feel like I have an opbligation to, for everything they did/do for me. I would probably never speak to people like them otherwise. I remember in school when we were asked who our heroes were, a lot of kids would say their mom and dad, I never could! I never really admired them.

 

I guess I just want to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way. And maybe if someone can give me tips on how to have a "civil" relationship with people I don't actually like.

[stillafool]

There's nothing you can do as we do not get to chose our parents. The only thing you can do to settle your nerves is to move out of their house, be financially independent of them, and only see them on holidays and in emergencies.

[Midnight_Madness]

Hi,

 

Are you supposed to like your parents as people? No, there is not requirement that you must like everyone and that too apliies with parents. As individuals we are attracted to different characteristics, traits and mannerisms. Additionally, we can also be unattracted to said things. That doesn't make us right, wrong, good or bad it makes us an individual.

 

I love both my parents thankfully, however there are still things that I do not love about them. And that is okay, that is normal.

 

Best of wishes for the future ?.

[Tayla]

some attributes we garner from our parents, some thru happenstance. Its what makes us uniquely the same. Think about that next time....

 

Certainly their character traits may be magnified and taken to be flaws.

 

We each have them. I did NOT get along with my Bio Dad. Yet I learned that he had some decent qualities that made him survive for 75 years...something to be said if we can end our days knowing we are a mixed bag of varying traits.

 

As my Foster mom said...I can love you unconditionally and not LIKE some habits you have.

[Arieswoman]

I loved both my parents but I didn't like my mother.

 

As soon as I was old enough i went away to Uni and never came back except for the occasional visit. Sorted.

 

There is no rule that says you have to like your family !

[Miss Clavel]

Lately I've been sort of realizing I might not like my parents.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for everything they've done for me throughout my life, they've supported me and been there for me when I need them, and they were in general terms, "good" parents (taught us good morals, showed us the value of a good education always, etc etc).

 

However, as people, now that I am an adult myself, I think they're not too great.

 

My dad shows no interest in getting to know me, sometimes no respect. He referred to my ex as "that guy you dated" (even though they met and we lived together for years). He doesn't like dancing with me because "romantic songs shouldn't be danced with daughters." He's bitter towards my mother (they've been separated for over 5 years now) and he has criticized my appearance on occasion. He's emotionally unattached, to say the freaking least.

 

My mother, on the other hand, is incredibly sensitive. She talks about my dad constantly. She is a HUGE gossip. She is not a private person, she talks about money and posessions constantly. Once I had to go to the doctor (for something I haven't disclosed to her bc she tells EVERYTHING to EVERYONE), and in front everyone she asked me why I'm seeing a doctor (very inappropriate to ask something so personal in front of others). She believes when others tell her that my sister and I don't care for her because we're not on her beck and call 24/7 (we are both in our 30's with our own lives, she expects us to always be there and always be nice to her and always be on her team). She has been a very negative influlence in my life. She has literally admitted she is "afraid of men" and passed on that negativity to us. She used to tell us that "men promise you stuff until they **** you, then they're gone." Yes, she literally said that to me when I was a teenager. At the .

 

did you ask her about that? who did that to her? what is she afraid of?

 

once my oldest was born, i called my mom, while they were stitching me up and told her how sorry i was for all the things i'd said and done to her when i was in my twenties.

 

i think having a child of my own gave me new insight and appreciation for my mom.

 

she was the best granny ever.

 

and all i have to add is, that trust me, you're gonna miss them when their gone. there is no other unconditional love in the world. no one else will give you a kidney, a car or a port in a storm like mommy. no one else has the key to your past self like mommy. all the stories.

 

and part of being a family is putting the best face on it's members less tolerable behavior. make excuses for your mother, she deserves that much. she's not a gossip, she's excitable.

 

my oldest complains about my hearing and having to repeat herself. i told her to get over it, i repeated the frigging alphabet to her at least 300 times.

 

she doesn't like doing dirty jobs for me and i just remind her that i had charge of her on "both ends" for about 3 years so she can just suck it up.

 

parents. like em or love em, you can't change them, but if you can't outfox them, you ain't half trying

 

xox

[MrDuck]

and all i have to add is, that trust me, you're gonna miss them when their gone. there is no other unconditional love in the world. no one else will give you a kidney, a car or a port in a storm like mommy. no one else has the key to your past self like mommy. all the stories.

 

Thats far from always true! It takes more than the ability to have a kid to make someone a good mum or dad. And if you can say the above then you had a good parent!!

 

OP, I don't see my dad anymore... I know my life's improved since then, whether the two are linked who can say! Once you become an adult you can choose who is part of your life! When your a kid you hold onto this belife that your parent/s are good (or will become good) because you have to, you're reliant on them! But I'm all grown up, I don't need my dad anymore, and i don't want him in my life.

 

But, consider, that for whatever you say about your parents, i promise as a kid i'd of loved to have some parents like that!! So they are a little needy, or a little detached, if you know in your heart they love you and they want whats best for you, maybe cut them a little slack! No ones perfect after all!

[GunslingerRoland]

Your parents sound like normal flawed people. They hardly sound horrible by any means. To be honest a lot of it sounds like nitpicking... who cares if your dad wants to dance with you? And you're not the only woman to be warned about guys just wanted to get in their pants (it's not untrue advice for a teenage girl.)

 

It sounds like are holding them up to an unfair standard because they are your parents.

[mrs rubble]

I wonder which of their traits you and your sister have inherited, and how your children will feel about them?

[Trinity_84]

Your parents sound like normal flawed people. They hardly sound horrible by any means. To be honest a lot of it sounds like nitpicking... who cares if your dad wants to dance with you? And you're not the only woman to be warned about guys just wanted to get in their pants (it's not untrue advice for a teenage girl.)

 

It sounds like are holding them up to an unfair standard because they are your parents.

 

Well yes that's my problem. If they weren't my parents I probably wouldn't like them because of all their flaws. I see your point though.

 

Thanks.

[thecrucible]

There's probably aspects of your personality they don't like as well. I sometimes don't get with my parents but they disagree with some things to do with me as well. But you can love someone and disagree. I think you can put it in a broader perspective and be glad that they were there and just try to make the best of it. I can't think of a single family where everyone gets on perfectly. I have a friend with a large family and I used to be a little envious of this as my family don't get on that well but over the past few years I've heard about them falling out over various things. It just goes to show that there's a lot going on underneath the surface and you might not be experiencing as much misfortune as you think you are.

[Hailiee7]

It is hard when you realize your parents have flaws and are not like other parents. But, then who is perfect? The thing is to accept that they are less than perfect. Who is perfect?

 

However, keeping boundaries in place when people/parents push the limits of what they should not become involved in is not a bad thing. Just know your own boundaries and live your life the best you can.

[eightytwenty]

I hate my mother and I really don't like my Dad...

 

That being said. My mother choose drugs over me my whole like. Bipolar alcohol and drugs. I have no connection with her.

 

My dad was married to my mother until I left then he basically spilt for another woman. He always chooses to put his new "family" above me.

 

My brother and I always had disagreements about our da . He and I were always on the same page about our mother. But now he sees the patterns my dad does since were both older. We can't choose but its either are they good enough people to be around or hold at a distance.

[BettyDraper]

did you ask her about that? who did that to her? what is she afraid of?

 

once my oldest was born, i called my mom, while they were stitching me up and told her how sorry i was for all the things i'd said and done to her when i was in my twenties.

 

i think having a child of my own gave me new insight and appreciation for my mom.

 

she was the best granny ever.

 

and all i have to add is, that trust me, you're gonna miss them when their gone. there is no other unconditional love in the world. no one else will give you a kidney, a car or a port in a storm like mommy. no one else has the key to your past self like mommy. all the stories.

 

and part of being a family is putting the best face on it's members less tolerable behavior. make excuses for your mother, she deserves that much. she's not a gossip, she's excitable.

 

my oldest complains about my hearing and having to repeat herself. i told her to get over it, i repeated the frigging alphabet to her at least 300 times.

 

she doesn't like doing dirty jobs for me and i just remind her that i had charge of her on "both ends" for about 3 years so she can just suck it up.

 

parents. like em or love em, you can't change them, but if you can't outfox them, you ain't half trying

 

xox

 

Do you realize that not every parent is as selfless as you are?

There are many parents who are cruel, abusive and selfish.

Enabling toxic family members by minimizing their negative traits is counterproductive. The OP's parents do not sound awful but I think you may need to consider that some parents are intolerable.

 

Your daughter doesn't owe you anything except basic respect and growing into an independent adult who isn't a burden on you. Trotting out all that you did for her as a child comes across as entitled martyrdom. After all, you decided to have you daughter so I'm sure you realize that motherhood came with sacrifices.

 

I know that I cannot change my mother's bad manners, needlessly hateful insults and arrogance. She's very jealous of me and doesn't like to see me happy. I also cannot retrieve the years of my childhood which were ruined by the abuse my mother inflicted on me. I just distance myself from her as much as I can. My mother does not like how detached I am but I need to protect myself from her toxic behavior. I cherish my father because he has always been my greatest supporter and he wasn't abusive at all. He also knows to leave well enough alone and doesn't try to interfere in my marriage.

 

OP, your parents do not sound intolerable but only you know what you can put up with. I would suggest being patient with your parents since they were at least supportive.

[Miss Clavel]

 

Your daughter doesn't owe you anything except basic respect and growing into an independent adult who isn't a burden on you. Trotting out all that you did for her as a child comes across as entitled martyrdom. After all, you decided to have you daughter so I'm sure you realize that motherhood came with sacrifices.

 

 

since we don't know each other i guess i'll just have to tell you out right, i'm not a martyr. i don't even understand how you got that from what i wrote. my orphans are growing up and with their coming of age comes my aging.

 

and if it pisses them off to repeat themselves or clean their own bathroom now, i remind them that i repeated the alphabet to them hundreds of times and i cleaned their poop for years. it's their turn.

 

and i've never considered anything a "sacrifice". not sure what you mean by that. unless you mean all the hours and hours and hours of sleep i lost?

 

or the fact that for months and months and months i had an actual human being sharing my body with me? invited tho they were.

 

its odd that you focused on what i said about my children and didn't notice that what i said about my own mother was: "she was a great grandmother".

 

meaning, im not going to get into how she was as a mother.

 

she hasn't been my "mother" since i was nine and she hasn't been alive for years.

 

nevertheless, i loved her, i miss her and i let go of her human failing a long long time ago.

 

good luck

[Miss Clavel]

Thats far from always true! It takes more than the ability to have a kid to make someone a good mum or dad. And if you can say the above then you had a good parent!!

 

OP, I don't see my dad anymore... I know my life's improved since then, whether the two are linked who can say! Once you become an adult you can choose who is part of your life! When your a kid you hold onto this belife that your parent/s are good (or will become good) because you have to, you're reliant on them! But I'm all grown up, I don't need my dad anymore, and i don't want him in my life.

 

But, consider, that for whatever you say about your parents, i promise as a kid i'd of loved to have some parents like that!! So they are a little needy, or a little detached, if you know in your heart they love you and they want whats best for you, maybe cut them a little slack! No ones perfect after all!

 

how often do you actually have to see your parents, or anyone in your family? i never saw my older siblings after they got married and had kids and we all lived in the same neighborhood. i couldn't stand them. they drove me bonkers. "insurance, the best pre-schools, mortgages, land values, oil change, diaper genie, tenure, ad nauseam.

 

i grew up, i started a family and started getting interested in what they were talking about. they said, we knew you get there, welcome.

 

some of them are jealous of my children, some of them are loud. one drank to much, two have kids that are brats. and, i'm a know it all, talkative, stubborn, logical, gifted woman.

 

wtf are you gonna do? they are my children's family.

 

i'm getting up there and my orphans can decide for themselves. hell, a couple of them love my MIL, their nana, go figure.

Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[MrDuck]

how often do you actually have to see your parents, or anyone in your family?

My mum died when I was too young to remember. My dad, I left home at 16 to go travelling and I haven't seen him since, i certainly have no reason to see him now and believe me that I would walk over hot coals to ensure he has nothing to do with my son!

 

Sure families might annoy you from time to time, but bloods blood and you hold on because there's a bond there, love there. I get that. I see that in my that family!

But that is NOT everyone's scenario, not everyone's parents want their kids.

 

I get where you are coming from.. I have two younger half brothers I hardly ever saw them as kids, I lived with my dad, they lived with their mum & stepdad. You could never say we were close, they weren't my playmates, my best friends, or my partners in crime. We're living in different worlds, they (particularly the older of the two) thought I was an idiot, I thought he was pretentious!

 

I left home at 16 and went travelling, I had barely spoken to them in the four and a half years or so I was abroad. They'd never even met my son. I was nearing the end of my visa in Africa, but I only came back home cause I was messaged on facebook to say that my littlest brother was in hospital & it was serious. And when I did go home, my older little brother was surprised I had! That's how not close we were!!

But you know what? I'd grown up, so had they.. Once I came home I realised they were actually good guys, and we actually had common ground! I cant imagine my life without them anymore! We share a small house, they help me raise my son, they are now absolutely my best friends (and playmates, and partners in crime too ). Sure half the time I still think he's pretentious and probably more the half the time he still thinks I'm an idiot. But that doesn't matter, I found the family I thought I didn't have in the very guys that had been there all along.

 

But some bridges just aren't fixable and my dad is out of my life! ....Everyone needs to make there own decision about what they can put up with from family and what bridges are buildabl and that totally depends on the unique inderviduals involved and their unique experiences & situation.

[MrDuck]

wtf are you gonna do? they are my children's family.

Protect my child/children

 

i'm getting up there and my orphans can decide for themselves. hell, a couple of them love my MIL, their nana, go figure.

I think I'm in my prime haha, but if anything were to happen to me I hope I've done plenty enough to ensure my orphaned son goes to my brothers? My gf? My friends in Africa? My gfs family? Anyone but my old man! If I die then I know I've done everything in my power to protect him! Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissCongeniality]

Okay I can understand what your talking about really I can honestly people are who they are. Don't bother trying to change them. Just accept them for who they are and it's okay to be upset over their flaws but at the same time don't let that define your life. Live your life how you want.