Should I stay or should I go?

[Ckmg]

My husband and I have been married almost 6 years. The first year was great, but after that it went downhill. We have a 5 year old daughter together as well. Anyways, last June we separated for 5 months. We agreed to work things out and ended up getting back together. In the process of getting back together, I told him that if things were going to continue the same way as before, I would leave. After a month of being back together, things were exactly the same.

 

Fast forward a year, as of of 4 days ago, I decided I wanted to separate after 3 days of being verbally abused []. He begged and begged to for me stay. Saying things like he can't afford the rent by himself, the house is too big for him, he loves me, he'll change, he'll do anything to make it work. We have tried marriage counseling and it worked for 2 months. After I told him no and that this separation needed to happen, he immediately got back on the verbal abuse track. To add, he is a great father and has always been a great provider (he makes the bulk of the money). He has a very bright future ahead of him. However, I am no longer in love with him or attracted to him.

 

We have sex maybe once a month. We do not kiss, hold hands, or cuddle. We do not do anything intimate together. He laughs at me when I cry, he talks crap about my family, he belittles me all the time. He has dragged me down more than he has built me up. I do not know who I am as a person anymore and am constantly angry and irritated. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about the good times. I have been unhappy for the past 4 years and I do NOT want my daughter to be affected by any of this.

 

My question is: How do I overcome these thoughts? Am I making the right decision? Please, no rude remarks. I am just having a hard time understanding all of this and want some feedback from others. Thank you.

Edited October 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language and deleted duplicate thread

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been unhappy for the past 4 years and I do NOT want my daughter to be affected by any of this.

 

Then you're doing the right thing. I can't imagine having your child grow up in a household where your husband verbally abuses you. That's the model you want for her regarding relationships ???

 

Separation doesn't necessarily mean divorce, but your husband is the poster child for spouses needing a serious wake-up call. And if he's a "great provider", you should have the means to get yourself and daughter to a healthier place. I wouldn't wait...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Edited October 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T

[Cinnamonstix]

It's normal to think of all the good times when you're leaving. You've stayed so long because you want that back and you don't want to make a mistake. But you're not making a mistake. You have tried and tried and given him chances.

 

Your partner should build you up, not drag you down until you don't even recognize yourself. It's never okay to be abused, verbally or otherwise. This is not a good environment for your daughter, and you don't want her to think that this is what relationships are like.

 

You are absolutely making the right decision to move on. Good for you for being so strong.

[DKT3]

You should absolutely not accept this behavior. I'm a bit confused as to why he started being verbally abusive. I know it's the nature of an abuser to escalate the abuse but suddenly starting would suggest you hurt him in some way..

[BetheButterfly]

My husband and I have been married almost 6 years. The first year was great, but after that it went downhill. We have a 5 year old daughter together as well. Anyways, last June we separated for 5 months. We agreed to work things out and ended up getting back together. In the process of getting back together, I told him that if things were going to continue the same way as before, I would leave. After a month of being back together, things were exactly the same.

 

Fast forward a year, as of of 4 days ago, I decided I wanted to separate after 3 days of being verbally abused []. He begged and begged to for me stay. Saying things like he can't afford the rent by himself, the house is too big for him, he loves me, he'll change, he'll do anything to make it work. We have tried marriage counseling and it worked for 2 months. After I told him no and that this separation needed to happen, he immediately got back on the verbal abuse track. To add, he is a great father and has always been a great provider (he makes the bulk of the money). He has a very bright future ahead of him. However, I am no longer in love with him or attracted to him.

 

We have sex maybe once a month. We do not kiss, hold hands, or cuddle. We do not do anything intimate together. He laughs at me when I cry, he talks crap about my family, he belittles me all the time. He has dragged me down more than he has built me up. I do not know who I am as a person anymore and am constantly angry and irritated. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about the good times. I have been unhappy for the past 4 years and I do NOT want my daughter to be affected by any of this.

 

My question is: How do I overcome these thoughts? Am I making the right decision? Please, no rude remarks. I am just having a hard time understanding all of this and want some feedback from others. Thank you.

 

I am sorry. I think you should separate from him. The reasons why I boldened above.

 

You cannot force your husband to love and protect you. Instead of protecting you, your husband is hurting you, and he is indirectly hurting his daughter too. He's showing her that it's ok for a husband to treat her like how her Daddy is treating her Mommy.

 

One of my friends refused to get a divorce for a long time, even though her husband physically abused her. Do you know what changed her mind? When she saw her son hit her daughter and speak to his sister the same way he saw his Dad hit and speak to his Mom.

 

Hopefully, your husband will work on changing and see that he cannot get away with treating you badly. If you don't take a stand for yourself, it is indirectly teaching your daughter to be a doormat to an abusive husband or boyfriend someday. For yourself and for your daughter, you need to take a stand for your human rights, and not let him treat you like that.

[oldshirt]

Back in the days before the internet, many newspapers (printed on real paper LOL) ran a sindicated advice column called Ann Landers.

 

Many times people would write to her and ask if they should leave their spouse or stick it out. Her formula was very simple and came down to one sentence - "are you better off with him/her, or without him/her?"

 

As your scenario involves chronic abuse and mistreatment and multiple failed attempts at reconciliation that have all resulted in continued backsliding into abuse, I do not see how remaining in that marriage could be of any benefit.

 

A toxic relationship is one in which remain in the relationship will cause more harm and more destruction than being on your own. This relationship is toxic. Exiting the relationship is the clear choice, even though it will entail the expense and unpleasantries that divorces entail.

[Lois_Griffin]

My husband and I have been married almost 6 years. The first year was great, but after that it went downhill. We have a 5 year old daughter together as well. Anyways, last June we separated for 5 months. We agreed to work things out and ended up getting back together. In the process of getting back together, I told him that if things were going to continue the same way as before, I would leave. After a month of being back together, things were exactly the same.

So, why didn't you back up your words and leave then?

 

Fast forward a year, as of of 4 days ago, I decided I wanted to separate after 3 days of being verbally abused []. He begged and begged to for me stay. Saying things like he can't afford the rent by himself, the house is too big for him, he loves me, he'll change, he'll do anything to make it work. We have tried marriage counseling and it worked for 2 months. After I told him no and that this separation needed to happen, he immediately got back on the verbal abuse track. To add, he is a great father and has always been a great provider (he makes the bulk of the money). He has a very bright future ahead of him. However, I am no longer in love with him or attracted to him.

So, why didn't you back up your words and leave, then?

 

We have sex maybe once a month. We do not kiss, hold hands, or cuddle. We do not do anything intimate together. He laughs at me when I cry, he talks crap about my family, he belittles me all the time. He has dragged me down more than he has built me up. I do not know who I am as a person anymore and am constantly angry and irritated. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about the good times. I have been unhappy for the past 4 years and I do NOT want my daughter to be affected by any of this.

Too late. She knows exactly how verbally abusive her father is and she also knows her mother chooses to accept it. Children learn what they LIVE.

 

My question is: How do I overcome these thoughts? Am I making the right decision? Please, no rude remarks. I am just having a hard time understanding all of this and want some feedback from others. Thank you.

Are you making the right decision to do what? You haven't done anything. You keep saying you want to separate but you stay right where you are, taking his abuse. I'm going to assume you're financially dependent on him because why else would you allow someone to abuse you like this?

[road]

Your marriage is bad.

 

 

I have quoted Ann Landers many times.

 

 

Set up an appointment for MC. Then tell your husband about the date and if he wants to stay married he has to attend or the marriage is over.

 

 

He refuses go see a lawyer and file for divorce. Tell the lawyer you get to keep the house, full custody, alimony, child support, get husband out of the house. Then sit back and wait to be free.