Girlfriend with LOTS of experience

[caveman621]

I'm 53 years old. I recently got out of a 25 year marriage. Loveless for the last ten and sexless for the last five.

 

I have a girlfriend of about a year and a half. She is 56. When I first separated from my wife I was, quite frankly, looking for FWB. Just sex. And the two of us seem very compatible in that regard.

 

But I think I'm falling in love with this women. I knew her sexual history from the beginning. It truly never bothered me. She is a self professed "hippie" who come of age during the sexual revolution and enjoyed herself. Never an issue before.

 

But now, for some reason, I hurt when I think about all the guys she has been with. It makes no damn sense and I have no reasonable reason to have a problem with it. We are monogamous and have very good sex with great frequency. I did not have these feelings for the longest time but they are creeping in now. I don't want to discuss this with her and hurt her feelings or mess anything up.

 

The weird part is it never bothered me before. I never even thought about it. I try not to think about it now, but when I do I get this hard to describe hurting.

 

I know people will cry double-standard and I should be happy she is with me now and not worry about her past. Logically I know that's true. Emotionally I'm hurting and have nobody to talk to. Yeah, I'm a mess.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think it makes sense that you are feeling this way. It isn't just a coincidence that this is happening now that you have started to fall for her.

 

Perhaps you want more? There is nothing wrong with that!

[Darren Steez]

Yep it's a double standard but think about it, you've come out of a loveless and sexless marriage in the latter years not you're in a loving and intimate relationship, I'm sure there are a lot of feelings to resolve but it's telling you said it didn't bother you before..so

 

How long did you know about her history before you slept with her?

 

Where you ok continuing to sleep with her despite the fact you knew her history?

 

Maybe you weren't ok with it in the first place but continued to sleep with her because you enjoyed the intimacy?

[Friskyone4u]

Coming out of the bad situation you did, you probably are subconsciously a little envious that your girlfriend has had an active and hot sex life while you were miserable.

 

You know that unless she shows signs of wanting non exclusivity, which is not indicated, that this is all in your head. And I would not start to press her for details.

 

It appears you have a blossoming relationship, RIGHT??? And no red flags, RIGHT??

 

Then consider yourself lucky you found someone compatible and enjoy what is happening in the present.

[caveman621]

Thanks all. I know, LOGICALLY, it makes no sense. Also, the feelings come and go. I don't think about it CONSTANTLY.

 

She certainly didn't tell me her history when we first met. But she doesn't hide it either. From stories she's told I count at least 15, but I'm sure the number is higher. When I ask her she says, "six" and it's kine of our joke now.

 

Like I said, at the outset, just sex with whomever was fine at first and what I THOUGHT I wanted. And, (you older folks might understand), I think it just goes into the general category of wistful, melancholy thoughts of what I've done with my life. Things I've done and things I haven't done. And hearing about her history I wish I had been there!

[elaine567]

As a FWB, you put her into the sex and fun category and because she was experienced and knew how to turn you on, the sex was good and you loved it. You were a barren desert finally getting some rain.

 

Now that you are getting emotionally attached to her, you have taken her out of the FWB category and now you want to pop her into the "relationship/marriage material" box.

BUT she doesn't quite fit, does she? All those past men, all those daring sexual exploits, all that history that doesn't quite fit in with a life partner.

 

Add that to your own "pathetic" sexual history, you are unsettled.

YOU feel inadequate, you feel you missed out and this woman will be a constant reminder.

She can sit back and think "a life well lived, and now I have the "safe" caveman621 to warm my bed", whilst you feel you have to "make do" with a person who has been used by every Tom, Dick and Harry...

 

It is not an uncommon problem and will eat you up if you let it and will ruin your relationship, it is called "retroactive jealousy" - Google it.

Where are you at 53, going to get a woman who doesn't have a "past"?

You will have to find a way to get through this, else you are going to end up alone.

[caveman621]

Elaine! Yes! That's it exactly! I googled retroactive jealousy and, it's me to a T!

 

Now to do something about it.

[Friskyone4u]

You can do something about it. Have sex with her six times a day and swing from the rafters and feel happy that at 53 you are still able to do that.

 

She did not force you to stay in a miserable marriage and at 53 years old who cares how many guys she has been in the sack with as long as she does not want to relive those experiences while you are around.

[road]

As a FWB, you put her into the sex and fun category and because she was experienced and knew how to turn you on, the sex was good and you loved it. You were a barren desert finally getting some rain.

 

Now that you are getting emotionally attached to her, you have taken her out of the FWB category and now you want to pop her into the "relationship/marriage material" box.

BUT she doesn't quite fit, does she? All those past men, all those daring sexual exploits, all that history that doesn't quite fit in with a life partner.

 

Add that to your own "pathetic" sexual history, you are unsettled.

YOU feel inadequate, you feel you missed out and this woman will be a constant reminder.

She can sit back and think "a life well lived, and now I have the "safe" caveman621 to warm my bed", whilst you feel you have to "make do" with a person who has been used by every Tom, Dick and Harry...

 

It is not an uncommon problem and will eat you up if you let it and will ruin your relationship, it is called "retroactive jealousy" - Google it.

Where are you at 53, going to get a woman who doesn't have a "past"?

You will have to find a way to get through this, else you are going to end up alone.

 

 

 

 

I would talk to her about your retroactive jealousy and show her this whole thread.

[road]

You can do something about it. Have sex with her six times a day and swing from the rafters and feel happy that at 53 you are still able to do that.

 

She did not force you to stay in a miserable marriage and at 53 years old who cares how many guys she has been in the sack with as long as she does not want to relive those experiences while you are around.

 

 

 

Some of your Retro-Jeal feelings can be from you not doing all the things she has done in her past.

 

 

Normal to feel left out so politely ask her to allow you to explore all of those things that you never have done.

 

 

I will close with never ask a woman about her past for as a man unless she is virgin you will not like what you will hear.

[elaine567]

Normal to feel left out so politely ask her to allow you to explore all of those things that you never have done.

 

Just because she has been with lots of different men doesn't mean she has done anything he hasn't done sexually, does it?

Unless you mean he should even up the score a little by now sleeping with lots of other women, and I guess she will be gone in two seconds after he makes that suggestion...

[caveman621]

Thanks everyone. I discussed this with her. She was VERY supportive and understanding and we had a nice talk. She is truly awesome!

 

Maybe at its core I'm afraid since she's had so much experience she'll get bored with me. She says she's afraid I'll enjoy my new found freedom so much that I'll get bored with her. Communication, huh? What people always say about relationships but, golly, it's true!

 

As far as "what she has done that I haven't", I'm new here so not sure what the rules of decorum are, but she's done a couple of things I have not. I would be OK trying them, but it's not an issue. I'm not craving them.

 

And, I finally asked her if she would give me a number. Yeah, crappy on my part. It's 23 before me. For some reason I don't care now and I'm fine.

 

And one other thing I think I was feeling while down was that all these men must be super handsome with chiseled abs and great lovers. She showed me a couple of pictures of ex lovers who happened to have an online presence. Yeah, they were "normal". The things our imagination does!

[road]

Just because she has been with lots of different men doesn't mean she has done anything he hasn't done sexually, does it?

Unless you mean he should even up the score a little by now sleeping with lots of other women, and I guess she will be gone in two seconds after he makes that suggestion...

 

 

 

 

It does not mean he has done all the things she has. Though it is a good indication that she has done a whole lot more then him.

 

 

Unless you mean he should even up the score a little by now sleeping with lots of other women

 

 

Are you a politician because I cannot fathom how you could ever imply that is what I meant.

[road]

Thanks everyone. I discussed this with her. She was VERY supportive and understanding and we had a nice talk. She is truly awesome!

 

Maybe at its core I'm afraid since she's had so much experience she'll get bored with me. She says she's afraid I'll enjoy my new found freedom so much that I'll get bored with her. Communication, huh? What people always say about relationships but, golly, it's true!

 

As far as "what she has done that I haven't", I'm new here so not sure what the rules of decorum are, but she's done a couple of things I have not. I would be OK trying them, but it's not an issue. I'm not craving them.

 

And, I finally asked her if she would give me a number. Yeah, crappy on my part. It's 23 before me. For some reason I don't care now and I'm fine.

 

And one other thing I think I was feeling while down was that all these men must be super handsome with chiseled abs and great lovers. She showed me a couple of pictures of ex lovers who happened to have an online presence. Yeah, they were "normal". The things our imagination does!

 

 

I would never ask how many. Even is a woman did this the thought of many others is easier to push out of your mind then a specific number.

 

 

Though glad you spoke to her in a calm manner.

 

 

Today it came to me that a good way to open the subject was that being if her love menu was larger then yours she does not have to be afraid to get you to add those things onto your love menu.

[smackie9]

All these feelings are so NORMAL. When we fall in love the very thought of someone else with them makes us so jealous...normal reaction.

 

Now that you are at the point of falling in love, you need to approach her on changing the status of your arrangement or you are going to find yourself way too invested and getting hurt.

[doyathinkso]

Caveman, did you remember to multiply by 3?

[harrybrown]

you could go see a therapist.

 

But keep up the communication.

 

If you want to be exclusive, you better be exclusive as well.

 

Hope you two find some happiness.

[fromheart]

So at the risk of getting thrown off this forum, I'm going to give you the male cure for retroactive jealousy.

 

Get her to tell you about her past, while you're doing stuff.

 

That should sort you right out.

[caveman621]

We are busy so mostly see each other weekends but have been e-mailing a lot. She's been great and very understanding. I'm going to see her tonight and we'll talk it out. She has told me she sees this as a long lasting relationship and wants to get this all out of the way so it's out on there and dealt with.

 

I'm feeling much better.

[road]

So at the risk of getting thrown off this forum, I'm going to give you the male cure for retroactive jealousy.

 

Get her to tell you about her past, while you're doing stuff.

 

That should sort you right out.

 

 

This is bad advice. Learning more will create more damage, more things to forget, and harder to forget.

 

 

OP, you are going to meet your GF soon, tell her you do not need to talk about it. Though that you want experience new things and would like her to introduce things to you.

 

 

All she has to do is when she wants to spice things up to just say lets try this. There is no need to say she had done that before or with how many others.

 

 

Also if there is anything she has never done and wants to try you are game.

[smackie9]

We are busy so mostly see each other weekends but have been e-mailing a lot. She's been great and very understanding. I'm going to see her tonight and we'll talk it out. She has told me she sees this as a long lasting relationship and wants to get this all out of the way so it's out on there and dealt with.

 

I'm feeling much better.

Communication is the healthiest way to clear the air so you can move forward. I wish you all the best

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[Hobart_Carboys]

Caveman21, I have read all the posts here and have a few things to say. First of all, asking about her sexual history was completely the right thing to do--as all of it is what you wanted to know if you are going "to know her and become emotionally close." Why not know everything about the person you want to love? (On the other hand, since you didn't love her at the time. So why did you ask her? Perhaps the two of you did some stimulating and arousing mutual bragging?)

 

The question to ask yourself now is, "Can I trust her?" What is she doing that raises your distrust?

 

You could ask her: "Where do I stack up against all the other men who made love to you?" That's the question you want answered, isn't it? If you can't live happily with her answer or find it not credible, my advice is, don't be unhappy. Do not fall in love with her, just have fun if that's what you and she want.

 

If you are jealous of her behavior, past or present, find another woman who is more suited to your personality, and, if not that, then live with this one and enjoy the sex and forget about being able to think she has been hoping to meet you, her world's greatest lover.

 

On the other hand, there are older women who are able to think that and say that to you, and who, furthermore, can be incredible lovers without ever been so before. Some women and men, too, need love to be turned on and for the man to last more than 1 to 5 minutes. Some women have had only a very few partners, not because they are bad-looking either. I know this. My present wife is an amazing amazing lover and all it took was the right man, passion between us, sharing, desire, and intimacy. All those years before married to another who was very experienced, I was miserable because my wife didn't know what intimacy was and always evaded and lied and was terribly unromantic and not at all fun. Presently, this woman and I are in our 70's; for 4 years now, we have been having fantastically gratifying no-holds barred sex. She is delicious in bed...

[LifeNomad]

I'm 53 years old. I recently got out of a 25 year marriage. Loveless for the last ten and sexless for the last five.

 

I have a girlfriend of about a year and a half. She is 56. When I first separated from my wife I was, quite frankly, looking for FWB. Just sex. And the two of us seem very compatible in that regard.

 

But I think I'm falling in love with this women. I knew her sexual history from the beginning. It truly never bothered me. She is a self professed "hippie" who come of age during the sexual revolution and enjoyed herself. Never an issue before.

 

But now, for some reason, I hurt when I think about all the guys she has been with. It makes no damn sense and I have no reasonable reason to have a problem with it. We are monogamous and have very good sex with great frequency. I did not have these feelings for the longest time but they are creeping in now. I don't want to discuss this with her and hurt her feelings or mess anything up.

 

The weird part is it never bothered me before. I never even thought about it. I try not to think about it now, but when I do I get this hard to describe hurting.

 

I know people will cry double-standard and I should be happy she is with me now and not worry about her past. Logically I know that's true. Emotionally I'm hurting and have nobody to talk to. Yeah, I'm a mess.

 

 

if I were you and feeling the way you are, I would be honest and tell her how I feel, that i don't understand why, but i get a little jealous or bothered by her past, i don't want to, but i cant help it, and i just thought it was important she knows, im not upset or mad, and i know its all in the past, but its just the way i feel.

 

 

Letting her know how you feel you might find comfort in whatever reaction/response she gives you.

 

 

Of course i wouldn't want to come up as an overly jealous person and scare her away, so i would sya something like "u know, somethings been on my mind, and i don't know why or whats going on, its weird, and hasn't happened before...."

 

 

that's just my 2 cents

[caveman621]

Thanks LifeNomad. That's pretty much where it is now. I check back on this string from time to time but things are going great! Not only is she great in bed, but she's just all around great! Says I am allowed to feel the way I feel and there's nothing wrong with it. I still ask her about her past, but just when it happens to come up. She tells me. I might feel a little, I dunno, melancholy? But it's fine.

 

She lives in a farm house on a big farm. She has her own goats and chickens. Yesterday I was helping her muck the goat pen and clean out the coop. Yeah, I'm awesome! But, my advice, if anyone ever asks you to help muck out a goat pen, unless you're a fan of very stinky back breaking work, say no!

 

Anyway, then I got some boxes out of her old mouse infested shed for her. Found her grandmother's china and stuff. And also a box of papers. One item in there was an old photo album. Her and her friends from college. So there was a "Oh yeah, that guy was the one uncircumcised one I've ever had that I told you about..." or whatever. I am interested for some reason I don't understand, and it does make me wish I was there for all that. But it doesn't bother me. And I, and I dare say we, are very happy now.

 

So sometimes I ask or she talks about her history, and it's fine. I guess I was just in a funk for a couple of days until my mood normalized and now I am quite happy.

[caveman621]

Everything is going great. But now she told me something that really bugs me. I'm sure we will get past it like we did my jealousy. But what's more logically ridiculous then me being retroactively jealous? Answer: Me wanting to retroactively protect here.

 

It was 40+ years ago, and she had told me before that she lost her virginity to an older guy, but I don't think that, before yesterday, she told me the exact ages.

 

She had just turned 15 and he was 21. That's messed up, right? Not on her behalf, but his.