Lost. What do I do?

[BevGB]

Could it be maybe on some level it's starting to dawn on him and maybe he's feeling guilty? Other than work there's been no contact between us. He claims he has no other friends than me. Maybe he's starting to miss me? I'm not saying he loves me or wants to get back together but maybe it's starting to hit him? Maybe he's starting to see his actions had consequences?

 

Tonight I'm working with the guy that he was possibly jealous of. So far he seems upset that me and this guy are having a good time and laughing. He seems to get madder the more the night goes on.

[Zahara]

Could it be maybe on some level it's starting to dawn on him and maybe he's feeling guilty? Other than work there's been no contact between us. He claims he has no other friends than me. Maybe he's starting to miss me? I'm not saying he loves me or wants to get back together but maybe it's starting to hit him? Maybe he's starting to see his actions had consequences?

 

Tonight I'm working with the guy that he was possibly jealous of. So far he seems upset that me and this guy are having a good time and laughing. He seems to get madder the more the night goes on.

 

He's emotionally unavailable. He's not thinking about all these things except to probably think about himself and how he can benefit the most. You need to stop projecting all this on him based on how you're feeling.

 

Of course, he's upset. His jealousy is about control. Don't get too caught up with that thinking its some form of loving attachment.

Edited October 16, 2016 by Zahara

[BevGB]

No I don't think it's a loving attachment. A part of me wants him to be hurt a little just for being kinda cruel. That's all

[Zahara]

No I don't think it's a loving attachment. A part of me wants him to be hurt a little just for being kinda cruel. That's all

 

I don't believe these kinds hurt like we do. They get their ego bruised but that's about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't believe these kinds hurt like we do. They get their ego bruised but that's about it.

 

This exactly.

 

Someone who isn't invested isn't going to feel the pain in the same way. OP, for your own sanity, don't assume his anger has anything to do with realizing he loves you. It's not about love for him.

[BevGB]

No I never saw it as him realizing he loves me. I know he doesn't. I was only wondering if he was beginning to feel the void not in a loving way but in a way he may start to see how much I was there for him and did for him even though I knew he was already gone. It may not bother him but it would be nice to know that he can at least see what he's done and see there are consequences to it. Maybe one day in time it will start to hurt him but definitely not now.

[BevGB]

And so the breadcrumbs begin.

 

Just "Hope you guys are having a good day [=" text from him. I haven't replied and don't plan to. But this hurts. I didn't expect it so soon.

 

EDIT: Would it be an option to reply and say something like I hope you're having a good day. I need some time to process things and need some space right now"

Edited October 16, 2016 by BevGB

[Nowty V]

No Reply, NC

 

That would be the best way forward.

[ExpatInItaly]

No Reply, NC

 

That would be the best way forward.

 

Agreed.

 

This man is giant teenager playing games, OP. Someone who actually cares about you simply wouldn't treat you like this.

[BevGB]

Even just to tell him I need time/space? It's not like I'm really responding. Just cutting him off again.

[Zahara]

Even just to tell him I need time/space? It's not like I'm really responding. Just cutting him off again.

 

You need to stop this. You enforce your boundary and that means adhering to silence. You don't keep repeating yourself and coddling him.

[BevGB]

I took your advice. I did not respond. I've been crying since I got home. I hate this.

[ExpatInItaly]

It will take time to feel better. But believe me when I say you're taking the best action for yourself right now. Responding to him would have done nothing but keep you stuck and thus further delay your healing.

 

Thinking of freeing up emotional rent in your heart, so that when the right guy does come along, this clown won't be taking up space.

[Zahara]

I took your advice. I did not respond. I've been crying since I got home. I hate this.

 

I know, Bev. I know how you feel. I've been there before and it is especially hard knowing he is in close proximity. Risks you take when you date within the workplace.

 

All you can do it stay strong to your boundaries -- to protect YOU. You need to stop focusing on what he is feeling or thinking. The fact that you are still where you are is indicative of where he wants to be.

 

Keep distance as much as you can. If you need to cry, go to a quiet and private place i.e. restroom, your car, etc. and let it all out. You'll feel better once you purge.

 

As you keep moving forward, you'll start to see him for who he is. You're clouded now but clarity slowly set in.

 

Keep posting before you do anything and someone will talk you off the ledge.

[BevGB]

I really do appreciate all the advice and help but I'm just losing it.

 

I went out today and bought myself a new curling wand and hair brush. I thought it would help me feel better but it doesn't. I spent the morning with my mother and was ok for maybe an hour until I started crying and haven't stopped since.

 

And I have to work with him tomorrow. And I know he's going to ask why I never replied yesterday. And I know I need to keep it all about work but I'm on an edge. I go back and forth from extreme anger at him to extreme sadness. And I know me. One day I'm going to explode and it's probably going to be in front of him. He strung me along for about 5 months and even though I gave him plenty of outs he never took them. I always thought that meant he was really trying to work his demons out so him and I could move forward. But nothing ever really changed.

 

I know I shouldn't care but I do. There's a part of me that wants to go off on him in hopes of him seeing that things can be better if he just deal with his demons. In doing so I probably ruin any chance I may have with him in future but if it would help him be a happier person then it would be worth losing him. I really want and need him to be happy again. I just wish he could see that and see what he's doing to himself. Even as he was breaking up with me he said "I always told you I was going to die alone." and I told him that was bull**** because I was standing right there. So maybe it is better to lose him for good just to see him smile again.

 

I know. I'm too emotional and too clouded. I just don't know how much longer I can take this.

[Zahara]

The few times I said to myself, "If only he took care of his issues, he'd realize how happy he can be with me." That's fantasy talk. In reality, life doesn't work that way. You're projecting fairy tales - what you see in the movies. If infact he is dealing with deep seated issues, things don't turn around because someone wonderful came into your life and loved you out of their troubles. People don't usually change and he seems like someone who's had issues way before you came along. If anything, he sounds manipulative and passive aggressive.

 

You're projecting happily ever after on him. He's not emotional about you therefore has no ability to see what you see. He has no ability to see value in what you both had. He has no ability to see value in you. I know you want him to want and see what you do but it's not realistic.

 

Your best efforts would be focusing on working on your own issues. Sacrificing yourself for another isn't healthy. Prioritizing someone that hurt you isn't healthy. Instead of trying to fix him, do that for yourself.

[sooshi]

There's a part of me that wants to go off on him in hopes of him seeing that things can be better if he just deal with his demons. In doing so I probably ruin any chance I may have with him in future but if it would help him be a happier person then it would be worth losing him. I really want and need him to be happy again. I just wish he could see that and see what he's doing to himself.

 

Bev, your focus is on the wrong person.

 

Turn your focus back to you. What about you being happy? You need to build a relationship with yourself.

 

This man is 43. He's an adult. A grown man. He doesn't need you to coddle him, nor should you be coddling him. It's not your job to save him, rescue him, or fix him.

 

You need to focus on yourself. Your well-being. Your happiness.

 

As Zahara said, stay true to YOUR boundaries, to protect you. Again, it's not this man's responsibility to adhere to your boundaries; it's your job to enforce them (Zahara again).

 

Keep your distance from this man. Maintain professional boundaries. No talk about anything apart from work.

 

Focus on developing your self-respect and self-worth. Focus on you. You, you, you.

 

Edited to add: 100% YES! to Zahara's post above.

Edited October 17, 2016 by sooshi

[BevGB]

Fair enough. I just wanted to help him but I guess it isn't my place to say anything about it.

 

But also I never told him I was going no contact on him. I did ask him to try the 30 day no contact rule for both of us but took it back a few days later because it was pointed out to me here that it was kinda like giving him an ultimatum. Once I realized that's what I had done then I told him not to worry about it and just come to his own conclusions in his own time and space. He agreed and asked if we could be friends. I told him I didn't know if I could but maybe in time and he agreed that I would need some time. I never came out and said that I would be going 30 days no contact on him from there. I just went home that night deactivated my Facebook and started the 30 days the next morning. Maybe I didn't make myself clear. Our number one way of communication was through Facebook so I guess I figured he'd get the hint when it was gone and no texts were coming from me. And now since I didn't reply yesterday he should know. I don't know. My mind is racing and I'm completely wore out.

[Zahara]

He's a grown man. He's not a child. People have to have self-awareness to know that they need help in order for help to work for them. If he doesn't even know what's wrong or has no care to focus on himself, you can't do anything for him.

 

You wanted to help him because you thought you could change his mind about you.

 

Bev, he is emotionally unavailable. He wants to be friends. I'm not sure how to get this across to you but emotionally unavailable men aren't investing emotions. Stop trying to figure out how he is interpreting NC. He's a grown man able to understand why you need NC, why you cannot be friends, why you have to keep it professional -- but the fact that he's pouty about it as you mentioned recently is indicative of how selfish and manipulative he is.

 

NC indefinitely. Chuck the 30 days out. You cannot be friends with him. This is going to get harder as you go along so you will need more time than 30 days.

[BevGB]

It's just killing me to think that he's so devoid of emotions that he probably doesn't even miss me. All I've done is cry, lose sleep and have been holing myself up as much as possible just to get through one day. And to think that this has no affect on him whatsoever just makes me feel even worse. I didn't know what true happiness and love was until he came around and gave me a chance. I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be with him. And just the thought that none of that affects him even a little is just killing me. Even if I went NC on him for the rest of life it would not affect him at all? It's like I don't exist. I really don't want to believe this about him. He just can't be that bad a person can he?

[sooshi]

The problem isn't what he is doing, Bev. It's the way you're enmeshing yourself with his choices.

 

1) His actions or feelings about you or about anything do not reflect your value or worth in any way.

 

2) But you are attaching his actions and feelings to your sense of self-worth. You were really happy because you spent a few lovely moments with him, because you defined yourself through him. Now that you are not spending those lovely moments with him, your sense of self-worth has sunk.

 

3) Your self-worth is in the toilet. How much did his actions or feelings affect you when you were 12 years old? 25? You didn't know the guy then. Now that you've known him for a while, you've come to believe that you need him to feel secure. That you need him to be happy. That you need him to survive. He's become tied to these needs.

 

4) He came into your life to teach you about yourself, about how disconnected you are from yourself. It doesn't feel good and you don't like it. You want his reason for being in your life to be different, for it to be what you want to be. I'm suggesting that the reason he came into your life was to show you that you need to discover who you are--the beautiful woman who is absolutely and unwaveringly worthy of love, and who is loved.

 

Bev, I want you to take time to practice this meditation for forgiveness. Do this for yourself.

 

"I love you.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you."

 

I'll expand on those phrases for you, to give you an idea of what you can set the intention on in your meditation.

 

"I love you, Bev.

I'm sorry for believing that I am not worthy or enough.

Please forgive me.

Thank you, Bev, for being worthy and enough."

[Zahara]

It's just killing me to think that he's so devoid of emotions that he probably doesn't even miss me. All I've done is cry, lose sleep and have been holing myself up as much as possible just to get through one day. And to think that this has no affect on him whatsoever just makes me feel even worse. I didn't know what true happiness and love was until he came around and gave me a chance. I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be with him. And just the thought that none of that affects him even a little is just killing me. Even if I went NC on him for the rest of life it would not affect him at all? It's like I don't exist. I really don't want to believe this about him. He just can't be that bad a person can he?

 

This was not true happiness and love. You're romanticizing the connection you fostered over your online exchanges and the couple of dates you had with him. After your first date he was already asking for space. You built an image of what you hoped it would be and now after your encounters with him, you've magnified this man into someone you want more than anything in your life. How can he be this important to you -- only two dates in a span of months. You don't even know who he is, do you realize that? People can present themselves to be whomever they want through their online messages, through the couple of dates, etc. You're idealizing someone you don't truly know and defining your value based on his actions.

 

He may not be a bad person but he's emotionally unavailable. Two separate things. But the fact that he has no ability to realize how his actions affect others is telling.

 

i understand you are emotionally affected by him and you've created a bond through your interactions with him. But you have to step back and see this for what it is.

 

After your first date he wanted space. Took awhile for a second date to happen. You didn't even make it to the third date because he had to change the oil for his car? This man is the one you want more than anything in your life? You've placed him on too high a pedestal.

[BevGB]

Made it through another work night with him. I was able to avoid him for most of the night so it wasn't so bad this time. When we did have to talk he babbled about the debate happening tonight. As we were leaving he says to me "Next time I see you I will tell you what I thought about the debate. Not that you give a ****" and I replied "actually I do" he then says "No I meant about the debate" to which I again replied "actually I do." He didn't say anything so I just said good night and got in my car.

 

Earlier in the night he was talking political stories and he kept saying how he posted this or that article about whatever political story. One in particular he questioned me about and when I told him I hadn't heard anything about it he says "I posted it on Facebook" and gave me this look like I should know that. My Facebook has been deactivated for basically a week now and I'm finding it really hard to believe he hasn't noticed by now especially when he sent me that text the other day. He only ever texted me when he wasn't on his laptop and couldn't message me on Facebook. I just don't believe he hasn't noticed by now so why act like this?

[Zahara]

Not sure what to tell you anymore. You've been advised to keep conversations strictly about work and nothing more. No small talk.

 

And here you have the reason why we're telling you to keep it professional because anything other keeps you guessing, wondering and affected. And true enough, again, you are asking why he said that, why he did this, etc. because you refuse to enforce that boundary.

[BevGB]

But we work at a music retail store. There's only so much work stuff to talk about without beating a dead horse. That's why I let him talk politics. I don't add to anything he says. I don't give an opinion. I usually just nod and say yeah. If he does ask me what I have been doing I say nothing and change the subject to work or politics. I don't tell him anything personal and I don't ask him anything personal. Yeah he makes some stupid comments like I've talked about here but that's it. I'm not sure how much more I can cut him off.