Lost. What do I do?

[Zahara]

But we work at a music retail store. There's only so much work stuff to talk about without beating a dead horse. That's why I let him talk politics. I don't add to anything he says. I don't give an opinion. I usually just nod and say yeah. If he does ask me what I have been doing I say nothing and change the subject to work or politics. I don't tell him anything personal and I don't ask him anything personal. Yeah he makes some stupid comments like I've talked about here but that's it. I'm not sure how much more I can cut him off.

 

C'mon Bev. Stop making excuses. He is not your colleague anymore. You don't have to be friends. Unless it's something related about work, there is no need to exchange anything else, even politics.

 

Like I said, you enforce the boundary. But you haven't and since you haven't, you risk having to be open to situations that will continue to keep you questioning, pondering and feeling affected.

 

I've had a relationship with someone I worked with -- if you set the boundary and if YOU stick with it, no one can break it.

 

I'm not sure how to advise you anymore. You keep a small window open because you want him to know that you are still accessible to him.

[BevGB]

But I honestly don't know what else to do. I did every project I could to avoid him last night. But I finished everything and we still had an hour till closing. And seriously how much can we talk about sales before it becomes a very stale conversation. All I was doing was trying to make the time go by and I knew if he talked politics that would eat up most of the time and it did. I don't really see how's that personal conversation. I didn't tell him about my life nor did I ask about his. I let him babble and just nodded. I don't understand how that's personal.

[Zahara]

But I honestly don't know what else to do. I did every project I could to avoid him last night. But I finished everything and we still had an hour till closing. And seriously how much can we talk about sales before it becomes a very stale conversation. All I was doing was trying to make the time go by and I knew if he talked politics that would eat up most of the time and it did. I don't really see how's that personal conversation. I didn't tell him about my life nor did I ask about his. I let him babble and just nodded. I don't understand how that's personal.

 

There is no need to talk! These are not games anymore. You're respecting your feelings and your need for self-preservation. Those are your priorities. How much can we talk about sales? Are you serious?

 

It's not about whether it's personal conversation. It's about creating a boundary that protects you from having any interaction with someone that has the potential to hurt you.

 

If you want to be chatting with him and having small talk because you are bored, then you can't question what he says or does because you are allowing yourself to be open to confusion. You want to take the risk, then you'll have to accept the repercussions of those risks.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Zahara

[BevGB]

I'm going to probably get a lot of **** for this post but I've reached a breaking point and I just don't care anymore.

 

I understand that you guys are doing th best you can considering that you don't know me or him. And all you can go on is what I'm telling you here. I know my emotions are high and sensitive. I know I'm only supposed to be taking care of myself and not worrying about him.

 

But I just can't be someone I'm not. Yes I am trying to take care of myself. I'm very lucky to have a lot of support. He doesn't. And yes I know it's not my problem but he's still a human being and he's a good person. He may be emotionally unavailable but he still has feeling. He may be a dick to me right now but I refuse to believe he's a bad person who is so devoid of human emotions that he can't at least see what this is doing to me. For all I know he could be lashing out because he's hurting or feels guilty or whatever.

 

And I still believe that if he had dealt with his demons earlier him and I would still be together today. And I know it's not my place to say anything. But if I love him maybe I should. And even if I don't I can still worry and hope he gets the help he needs while taking care of myself as well.

 

It may be wrong but I am willing to leave the door open for me. He may never take the opportunity but at least I know I tried. And I understand that even if we do reconcil we can't right now. There's just too much hurt and pain and confusion even if it is all just me. Things would have to be different of course and there still has to be time and space between us for now. I can't give up on him or us. Maybe it's all in vain but I refuse to give up.

 

Trash me if you will but that's how I feel.

[sooshi]

Bev, you had three dates with this guy. THREE dates. That's not a relationship. There was never any "us." There is no possibility of reconciliation when there was no relationship in the first place.

 

It's how you feel. Too much hurt and pain and confusion. How's that working out for you? Is your body happy about it? Your mind? Your spirit?

 

In believing you can't give up on him, you're giving up on yourself being happy.

 

Sorry to say, Bev, but it looks like you'll have to learn the hard way.

 

Take care.