Lost. What do I do?

[whatnot]

Bev....

 

You care for this guy very, very much (you may even love him). I'm sure he is a great guy. You both really connect. You both care for each other. I'm sure of this. You can't understand..."It's so great. How could he not feel the same as I do?".

 

But, for whatever reasons, it's not going that well. If I read your post correctly, you were in tears after your third date. He cancelled on you for the third and you let it go. (good for you, you're an understanding person).

 

I'll not try and predict the future of this relationship. I'm just going to validate what you already know.....You are a VERY honest person. You've discussed things that a lot of men and women do not discuss in a relationships. You brought up the truth with this man. Kudos to you.

 

Whether or not it works out with this guy....your maturity will serve you well. In the getting over him (if it doesn't work out). But more than that....there's men out there who are looking for a woman just like yourself. Men that will walk through fire to have (and keep) a woman who has the qualities you possess.

 

Hang in there girl. (I know you hurting for this man now). But if he has too many other things on his plate to make you his priority, to make room in his life for you, there's another one out there who will. I know that sounds cliche'. (the 'ol women are like taxis...another will come along..." cliche') Only, in your case, it is most definitely a fact. One man's opinion....just based on what you've written.

 

You show humility (you ask for other's advice and opinions). You show an ability to care for other people's well being.

 

There's men looking for what you offer. 90% of this is timing.

 

Good luck...

Edited October 11, 2016 by whatnot

[chiefbwette]

So I asked him again if he wanted to just break up and yet again he didn't give me a definite answer.

 

I know this may sound a bit a hash, but its the truth and i think some one just needs to tell you the real truth. This guy does not love you as his lover, or if he did, may be he was just trying out to see what could come out of your little relationship and didn't get what exactly he was looking for. as it is the little intimate feeling he had, for some reasons is no more. What could be the reason? we shall get to that latter

 

This guy likes you very much and cares about your feeling as a FRIEND. He does not want to be the one to break your heart. He wants you to figure that out your self. He is trying to lead you until you pluck the baron soon or latter, you are just about to give him the satisfaction. Listen closely.

 

So I decided to give lay all my cards out and told him I was in love with him and had been for months.

 

He said he didn't feel the same way.

 

He forced him self to do what he feels uncomfortable doing, how ever hard it felt, he breaks the ice and makes it clear to you that he is not the right person for you. He is trying to set himself free for some day if you ever turn the baskets and start blaming him for not delivering to your desires, that is if you ever end-up forcing to try it. I hope you are watching closely.Remember he cares as a friend and he thinks its best he lets you know the truth right away.

 

And I asked again if he wanted to break up and he said he didn't want to break my heart.

 

This guy just feels sorry for you. That is the sole reason why he still tries to treat you as if he is into you. He is probably regretting ever leading you to think you had some thing special and he is praying for when this whole drama will be over without him being the dumper and have you as just a friend not as a lover.

 

when I brought up the idea of the no contact rule for 30 days.

He went almost instantly into panic mode. He said he didn't want to not talk to me.

 

Thats not true, this is what he has been praying for all along. Of-course he cant directly give you the look of satisfaction wright away, he has to pretend a bit as if he is disappointed. trust me he got you hooked for his acting. At least for him he is "yeah that will be a good start".

 

Then he said he didn't want to lose my friendship because he didn't have many friends.

 

Another clue, "i can leave without your love can you not take our friendship down the drain?" he wants you as his friend probably for some things he thinks he owes you but not as a lover.

 

He eventually agreed to give no contact a try

panicking again. He seemed shocked I was just walking away and started asking more about the no contact like how would it work since we work together and won't it be awkward.

 

He has given you all the signals of no interest and fear of commitment to this relationship but you are not listening, in-fact the handle to his ex could have been another technique to put you off but you missed it too. Remember the question above? what could be the reason for running away? probably he wanted to play you but he discovered you don't deserve it and he is trying to end that chapter without hurting you. maybe he saw you loved him way more than what he could consider a relationship in which he would have control to.

Whatever his reasons for running a way from this relationship is, He does not love you or simply put, he does not deserve you.

[BevGB]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I do yet again have some updates.

 

The other day when I was posting here and someone pointed out that by giving him this 30 day timeframe to figure things out was kinda like giving him an ultimatum. I had never thought of it that way and I instantly felt like the worst person. I couldn't do that to him. It was wrong and I never wanted him to feel pressured into anything. I just couldn't live with myself for doing that to him even though I didn't do it intentionally.

 

So today we talked and I told him to forget the whole 30 day thing and just take whatever time he needs. I apologize for basically giving him this ultimatum. He said he never took it that way and even if he had thought about it that way he knew me well enough to know I didn't mean it that way. He even said that didn't think it was a bad idea but could see how that would put pressure on both of us. I told him I would just let him be from now on.

 

We discussed just being friends and I told him I would try but that I was going to need time and he said that was fine. In turn I told him that in time if his feelings ever changed and he wanted to give it another chance that the door was open. He said he didn't think anything was out of the relam of possiblity and would keep that in mind. At this point I started to tear up and very quickly found a way out and came home.

 

I'm not really sure I can be just friends with him. I meant it when I told him I would try after some time but I'm not sure I can really do it. As of now I'm not sure what else to do. I've been doing some extra reading on the no contact rule so I guess that's my only option for now. I do really want him to come back one day but I understand that will take some time if it happens at all. For now I guess I need to go deactivate my Facebook and start preparing myself for the next 30 days.

 

EDIT: I have a question about the no contact rule. We work together so obviously it's going to be hard to avoid him. I've just deactivated my Facebook. Im sure when I see him at work he will ask if I saw some things he posted about. What do I tell him? Also I'm sure at some point he's going to notice it's been deactivated and ask me about it. What do I tell him? Did I do the right thing by deactivating it or should I have just unfollowed him? I personally don't care about losing my Facebook page. I'm more worried about how to respond to him about it.

Edited October 12, 2016 by BevGB

[Zahara]

Contact should be strictly about work. You don't need to explain your FB. It's none of his business. You cannot be friends.

 

So, you need to enforce BOUNDARIES.

 

Again, you're very concerned about protecting his feelings. Remember, he's emotionally unavailable. You on the other hand are emotional and hurting. Start focusing on protecting yourself.

 

Deactivating is fine but at some point you're going to be tempted to activate and snoop when you realize nothing much is changing. Block him or unfriend him.

 

And take the 30 days out of your head. There isn't a timeline when your heart is involved. It's unrealistic and it's often a crutch because one is afraid to let go. Stop stringing yourself.

[BevGB]

You're right. I guess if he ever asks about Facebook I can always say I needed time away. He already knows that anyway so it's probably irrelevant at this point.

 

The more I think about it the more I don't think we can be friends. But since I'm taking time and cutting off contact it may be irrelevant as well.

 

At this point the Facebook is deactivated. I'll just have to resist any temptation to snoop around. Other than connecting with him it's basically useless to me anyway.

 

I'm not so much stuck on 30 days but it seems to be the standard and a good starting point. Once 30 days has passed I can see how I feel and if I need to do 30 more days I can.

[BevGB]

How do I respond to breadcrumbs in person? I'm going to be working with him today and tomorrow and I could see him throwing some breadcrumbs at me then. What's the best way for me to handle it? Today will be day 3 of NC. I'm sure by now he's noticed my Facebook is gone. I haven't received any texts from him and I haven't sent any to him. I fear he may just be waiting to try and talk to me in person.

[ExpatInItaly]

"I prefer we keep our conversations about work only. I know you will understand and appreciate this."

 

That's all. Really, that's all.

 

And then carry on your workday.

[Zahara]

How do I respond to breadcrumbs in person? I'm going to be working with him today and tomorrow and I could see him throwing some breadcrumbs at me then. What's the best way for me to handle it? Today will be day 3 of NC. I'm sure by now he's noticed my Facebook is gone. I haven't received any texts from him and I haven't sent any to him. I fear he may just be waiting to try and talk to me in person.

 

"I'd like to keep our communication strictly about work. I hope you will respect that." Smile. Then take back control of the conversation by focusing on the job.

[BevGB]

Ok. Fair enough. But should I respond the same way if I'm hoping for another chance down the road? Honestly I doubt that will happen but I'm trying to leave the door open. I guess if he really wanted to talk about us in person that would be ok. I'm really just worried about how to handle all of this in person. I can ignore a text if need be but having him come up to me to talk will be harder.

 

I've also found myself to be angry with him. Last tim we talked he kept bringing up another co worker who has been rumored to like me. I've made it clear I have no interest in this guy but my ex keeps asking me if I do but claims he's not jealous. And even if he really isn't jealous and just wants to push this other guy on me because he feels guilty about breaking my heart then he has no right to do that either.

 

Also I keep thinking that if he had only dealt with whatever issues he was having that may have caused his distance from me then maybe we would still be together. It really pisses me off that we could've been ok if he had just dealt with it.

 

I'm really tempted to go off on him about it but because I'm hoping for another chance I don't want to burn a bridge either.

[Zahara]

He knows how you feel. He knows what you want. You don't need to be exposing yourself because you're afraid that he may take your need to step away as a sign of rejection because he is smart to know that you are doing it because you don't want to get hurt. If he has anything significant to say, he'll say it and not "chat" about it while you both are working. Just as you said, it will be breadcrumbs.

 

Why are you still talking to him about your personal life? Again, the next time he comes up and chits chats about stupid stuff, reiterate that you need to keep things professional. Boundaries.

[BevGB]

I'm not talking to him about my personal life. I haven't seen or spoken to him in a couple of days.

 

The stuff about my co worker came up as he was breaking up with me and again when I went to apologize to him about putting a kind of ultimatum on him. It wasn't until yesterday that it kinda dawned on me that he was either jealous or trying to push this guy on me. It pissed me off because he's brought this guy up several times in the past and each and every time I made it clear that I felt nothing for this guy. I'm not sure my ex keeps bringing him up if I've made my feelings clear. Just pisses me off is all and makes me want to go off on him.

[Zahara]

I'm not sure my ex keeps bringing him up if I've made my feelings clear. Just pisses me off is all and makes me want to go off on him.

 

It's passive aggressive behavior. He doesn't want to be with you, yet his little ego can't help but play games.

 

Don't go off on him. I have a feeling he will get a good stroke from your reaction. Stick with your boundaries. Stop anymore chats about co-workers, feelings, etc.

[BevGB]

Well there's a part of me that almost wants him to bring this other guy up again so I can tell my ex that if he's so interested in this guy maybe he should date him. lol But I understand what you're saying and bite my tounge. Thanks for the advice.

[BevGB]

So the worst thing has happened. One of my co workers had a family member die and now I'm stuck at work with my ex until we close tonight. About 8 hours from now. He's already kinda snapped at me once. I don't know how I'm going to make it through tonight. I really want to cry but I don't want to do it in front of him

[Nowty V]

How did it go?

[BevGB]

It was awful. Conversations felt strained and forced. I spent the night trying to keep my distance from him and whenever he came by me my heart skipped like nothing bad ever happened. And when he wasn't looking I cried. He said something about me being in a bad mood but I'm sure he knew why.

 

I spent the night texting a friend. I kept asking her if I shouldn't just end everything with him. I told her I felt he would be better off if I just told him we can't be friends nor should we ever try again. But the truth is I do want another chance one day even though I have a feeling I will never get another chance. Then I told her how I worry about him. He seemed so unhappy for months and I don't know why. I don't even think he knows why. My only guesses are he's still hung up on his ex or he's still depressed about his friend passing away or the election. Whatever it is it's blocking him from being happy in general. I wish he would fight his demons and be happy again if only for himself. My friend encouraged me to tell him all of that and completely speak my mind. Yet everyone else tells me to leave him alone. Both options seem right and wrong all at the same time. I just want another chance so bad and I'm afraid if I do tell him I ruin my shot with him in the future if that ever comes.

 

I don't know what to do. I just want him to be happy. I don't care about me anymore

[Zahara]

I don't know what to do. I just want him to be happy. I don't care about me anymore

 

I think you need to dig deep and focus internally. When one is sacrificing themselves for another it usually stems from lack of self-esteem and co-dependence. It's an unhealthy statement to make and one that speaks about the lack of value you see in yourself. Often times, when one feels this way, it's because focusing on someone's else's issues allows them to be avoidant of their own.

 

He's not a child. He's a grown man that does not need you to save him. Instead of focusing on his issues, it would be best to focus on why you're so gung ho on rescuing a man that is emotionally unavailable to you. You want to show him what a great woman you are, and how supportive you are to him and hope that he sees your worth and chooses you. Stop.

 

I know you are emotional about him -- but that does not mean you need to lose all self-control. No, you don't tell him all that stuff about you wanting to save him. To someone like him, you're only demonstrating how vulnerable and emotional weak you are. Your friend needs to understand that he is emotionally unavailable to you -- stop projecting.

 

You need to take him down from this pedestal you've put him on.

[ExpatInItaly]

It was awful. Conversations felt strained and forced. I spent the night trying to keep my distance from him and whenever he came by me my heart skipped like nothing bad ever happened. And when he wasn't looking I cried. He said something about me being in a bad mood but I'm sure he knew why.

 

I spent the night texting a friend. I kept asking her if I shouldn't just end everything with him. I told her I felt he would be better off if I just told him we can't be friends nor should we ever try again. But the truth is I do want another chance one day even though I have a feeling I will never get another chance. Then I told her how I worry about him. He seemed so unhappy for months and I don't know why. I don't even think he knows why. My only guesses are he's still hung up on his ex or he's still depressed about his friend passing away or the election. Whatever it is it's blocking him from being happy in general. I wish he would fight his demons and be happy again if only for himself. My friend encouraged me to tell him all of that and completely speak my mind. Yet everyone else tells me to leave him alone. Both options seem right and wrong all at the same time. I just want another chance so bad and I'm afraid if I do tell him I ruin my shot with him in the future if that ever comes.

 

I don't know what to do. I just want him to be happy. I don't care about me anymore

 

And this is also your downfall in this whole scenario.

 

You're putting his needs and desires way above your own. Does he do the same for you? No, he doesn't. Relationships are meant to be give and take. You have been doing all the giving in the hopes he will give in return. But he hasn't and it doesn't look like he's going to, either. You don't need to worry about him so much. I think you want to worry that he isn't okay, because that way you justify his flaky and distant behaviour as only being the result of his personal issues.

 

But OP, you need to proceed with the mindset that someone who is a lot better for you will come your way when you let go of this guy. You don't need to "end" anything, because the two of you never really even had a relationship. I don't say that to be harsh, I've been there too. But I do think you need to gain a bit of healthy perspective. You went out a couple times and talked a lot, but that isn't exactly dating.

 

You need to see yourself as a woman of value who deserves loving attention. Right now, you are behaving as though you have zero options and so will just hang around and be available whenever he wants. I promise you, that's not attractive. There is a difference between being a supportive partner, and being someone's Plan B. Don't allow yourself to be treated that way. Call up some friends, shine up your best shoes, hit the town and have some fun. You're really wasting your time with this man, when there are better options out there.

 

The right man will actually want to take you out on dates, form a partnership with you, and generally want you in his life. Save your kind heart and emotional energy for someone who fits that bill. Don't you think you deserve it?

[Zahara]

He said something about me being in a bad mood but I'm sure he knew why. e

 

Pay attention. Any person who understands hurt and emotion, will have empathy to decipher why you're feeling or reacting this way. But this clown, after knowing how much this is hurting you, has the audacity to throw it in your face? Pissy pout because you're not behaving the way he sees fit?

 

A person that cares for you will leave you alone and allow you space and peace because they are looking out for your best interest, especially when they know they cannot give you what you want. They are considerate of you and your need to keep boundaries. They understand your hurt and why you may not be in the right frame of mind.

 

But this clown, wants you to act normal and be his pal? He doesn't want you to be moody, hurt, angry, etc.? He wants you to be his friend and act like nothing ever happened.

[BevGB]

Thank you all for the replies. I know it may not seem like it but I really do take it all to heart. I've been a huge range of emotions since last night and I've just completely lost it. My mind and heart can't take it anymore. So I've made a decision and I'm sure it's the wrong decision but it's mine and quite frankly I don't know what else to do.

 

Starting today I'm going full NC not only with him but with everyone. Tonight at work I will apologize to him for being so down and tell him I'm just still in pain. From here on out I will just fake some happiness at work (regardless if he's there or not) and just deal with my emotions when I get home. That way no one has to deal with me and maybe I can get my mind right again. Maybe it will be enough to get him to come back one day and if not then that's just the story of my life anyway. That's reality and it's time I accept it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you all for the replies. I know it may not seem like it but I really do take it all to heart. I've been a huge range of emotions since last night and I've just completely lost it. My mind and heart can't take it anymore. So I've made a decision and I'm sure it's the wrong decision but it's mine and quite frankly I don't know what else to do.

 

Starting today I'm going full NC not only with him but with everyone. Tonight at work I will apologize to him for being so down and tell him I'm just still in pain. From here on out I will just fake some happiness at work (regardless if he's there or not) and just deal with my emotions when I get home. That way no one has to deal with me and maybe I can get my mind right again. Maybe it will be enough to get him to come back one day and if not then that's just the story of my life anyway. That's reality and it's time I accept it.

 

Oh dear....

 

Girl.

 

You very much need to open your eyes. He wasn't there to begin with. He dodged you, needed "space" repeatedly, and actually told you that he's still thinking about his ex. You only had three dates over the course of several months. This wasn't a relationship.

 

You really shouldn't apologize to him. There's nothing for you to apologize for, and it will confirm to him that you don't have a lot of self-respect. It's okay to feel sad that it didn't work out, but you sure as heck don't need to be running around saying sorry for it. If you are doing so with the hopes that he will suddenly change his mind and want to date you, it's not going to happen. He will probably say "sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you" and then? He noticed you were upset and didn't really care. Apologizing would be silly, OP.

 

Stop basing your actions on ways to keep the door open with him. He wasn't through that door in the first place. Instead, I really think it would be a good opportunity for you to do some self-reflection to figure out why you insist on hanging on to a dead-end situation. Try to understand what is motivating your passive stance in all of this and why you are refusing to really let go. I think this is less about him and more about how you are perceiving your own value. Just because he isn't into it doesn't mean other men won't be. Do not feel you can find someone better?

 

It's not like this guy is some awesome prize, to be frank.

[Zahara]

Starting today I'm going full NC not only with him but with everyone. Tonight at work I will apologize to him for being so down and tell him I'm just still in pain. From here on out I will just fake some happiness at work (regardless if he's there or not) and just deal with my emotions when I get home. That way no one has to deal with me and maybe I can get my mind right again. Maybe it will be enough to get him to come back one day and if not then that's just the story of my life anyway. That's reality and it's time I accept it.

 

Why in heaven's name would you apologize to him? You think he didn't know he was still hung up on his ex when he started dating you? You think he does not know that you are hurting from him exiting your life? And you want to apologize to him? I have to say this -- stop acting like a doormat. Why would you teach him that you're sorry for his inability to do the right thing, or even behave appropriately knowing you are hurting? If he can't understand that then you need to understand he's a jackass. Emotionally unavailable is right -- he probably is wired this way and it may not just be about his ex that he cut you out. Now I am wondering if that is just an excuse he gave you to end it.

 

At this point you sound like you'll do absolutely anything to get him to accept you. Coddling his feelings like a child and at the expense of your own hurt.

 

This submissive, meek, tip toeing is not going to get him back. It's only going to crush you sense of self even more.

Edited October 15, 2016 by Zahara

[BevGB]

I took everyone's advice and did not apologize to him and I'm kinda glad I didn't.

 

I came into work and was in the back reading when he had to come back here for something. We chatted a bit about how the day was going so far. He then asked me if I had gotten any rest last night and I said yes. He said you still look a little tired and wore out why? I kinda froze and just said I guess I had a long night. He just said oh like he was unconvinced and then said he had to get back to work. And not necessarily about me but just mad at the world in general. I mean he HAS to know why I look so tired. So then why the games? Why make things worse? I know you guys say it's an ego boost but this is just getting cruel.

[Zahara]

You've been advised to make it absolutely clear that there should be no small talk but to communicate strictly about work. You seem to want to allow him access to talk to you and when you do that you risk his a**hole behavior. He's not responsible to adhere to your boundary. You are responsible for enforcing it.

 

Yes, he's chatting with you liked nothing ever happened because he is not emotionally affected. Switch roles. If you didn't feel for someone, you'd likely be treating them with a level of indifference. And I'm sure it's a nice ego boost for him to know that you're affected.

 

If you want to keep the door open, then expect to keep getting hurt.

[ExpatInItaly]

I took everyone's advice and did not apologize to him and I'm kinda glad I didn't.

 

I came into work and was in the back reading when he had to come back here for something. We chatted a bit about how the day was going so far. He then asked me if I had gotten any rest last night and I said yes. He said you still look a little tired and wore out why? I kinda froze and just said I guess I had a long night. He just said oh like he was unconvinced and then said he had to get back to work. And not necessarily about me but just mad at the world in general. I mean he HAS to know why I look so tired. So then why the games? Why make things worse? I know you guys say it's an ego boost but this is just getting cruel.

 

He does it because he's a tool who doesn't care. It really is that simple.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. Eventually, you will feel better. It will take a while to get there but not running up to him to apologize is a step in the right direction.

 

With time and perspective, you will see what we are all seeing now: that he's always had one foot out the door but likes the attention. You deserve someone who would love to have you in his life.