Did you/ your AP discuss sex life with spouse? How did you feel about it?

[Jemima1234]

Hi

This still bothers me and I wanted to ask-

Did your AP talk about sex with spouse?

Did you talk about sex with your spouse?

Did you tell the truth? Did you believe them?

 

I stupidly had sex with xMM again a while ago. He says he has not been intimate with spouse since affair started!!!!! I find it hard to believe!! But something happened to make me think he had sex with her the next night after me. And I find that so difficult. It plays on my mind!!!

 

 

Affair is over and Therefore I know in so many ways there is no point in going over this!!! But just wanted to hear others stories!

 

Thanks

[HeCantBreakMe]

Yes, we both talked about it quite a bit. A lot on his part about how his spouse was a-sexual (meaning she never wanted to have sex or would be okay with just having sex once a month). He said they never had sex because he had to be the one to initiate it and when we were together he never would (RIIIIGHT). He told me one story about how his BS tried to initiate sex when we were hot and heavy and he couldn't get it up for her. HE said he felt less than a man because of it but all it said to me was he was having sex with his wife and lying to me about it. :sick:

 

CUE heavy EYE ROLLING.

[Grey Cloud]

What happened to make you think he had sex with his wife the following night? Just curious! And yes, my xMM was still having sex with his wife.

[imsosad]

Yes, we did.

Neither of us pretended we weren't having sex with our spouses,it was just a given. I think anyone involved with a MM/O should assume they are having sex with their spouse.

I suppose it was easier for us to discuss sex lives with our spouses because we were not sleeping together.

He shared quite a lot. I was ambivalent towards his sharing, i wasnt jealous but I felt it was her personal information as well and she certainly didnt choose to share it with me.

I didnt share as much, but he did ask a lot of questions and I answered some of them. All in all, I should have tried harder to maintain that boundry. When it all came out,I aplogized to my H regarding some very private things I told my AP. It still bothers me that I could get carried away like that.

An affair is such a mess.

[burnt]

Yes, we both did.

 

He knew my marriage was completely celibate the whole time. So, he knew about me not having any intimacy with my husband--not even kissing or holding each other. It was a strictly professional way of cohabiting in the house for me.

 

He discussed his sex life with me--I did not ever ask him to. He shared it voluntarily. Towards the end as I found out, by his own admission, that he was telling me of his sex life with his wife to torture me. Apparently, it was fun for him.

 

Out of the goodness of his heart, he shared things like "I was soaking in the jacuzzi with my wife and it was a torture, because I wasn't with the person I really wanted to be with"--referring to me.

Out of the sheer love in his heart, he shared "I was intimate with my wife and I was thinking 'damn I'd rather be with burnt'".

He shared private intimacy-related details about his wife to me. How long her period usually lasts, what she prefers sexually, what turns her on more, etc.

 

This was a lovely guy I was in LOVE with. That says a lot about me, doesn't it?

[imperfectangel]

My ex mum told me they hardly ever did. I have no idea if this was true or not.

 

The thought of it still makes me want to be sick TBH the less I knew the better

[Jemima1234]

Thanks for the replies. That's helpful.

 

Amazed that some people seem to cope with it ok! Like you imperfect - it makes me feel sick to think about it. And I just think it must have happened at least occasionally.

 

it bothers me that he could have been pretending it wasn't happening but it was- makes me feel like he making a fool of me!!! (Which I guess is true in an affair anyway!!)

 

And also if he genuinely wasn't but I am right he did the Night after we last did does that mean he suddenly had desire again?! 9 months of not then moved on?! Seems impossible!!

 

Why do I torture myself like this?

[Jemima1234]

What happened to make you think he had sex with his wife the following night? Just curious! And yes, my xMM was still having sex with his wife.

 

Complicated to explain- always spoke on phone late at night but he suddenly very tired and needed early night but appeared on chat app after being in bed together for a while. Other things too which hard to explain but I just have a really strong sense.

[Cyra]

He told me his wife was frigid and didnt enjoy sex with him, and that it was something they would do about once a month to 'get it over with'.

in the last months he would say that he didnt want to do it and that on the rare occasions it happened it was her who initiated it and he was just the 'victim' who went with it. I now dont believe that.

It made me sick to think about it. Im glad that now that its over i no longer have to.

[whatatangledweb]

I read all the texts IMs , and emails between the OW and my husband. Only once did she send a message that part of it said . "i'm not going to ask if you are still having sex with your wife. I don't want to know". He replied back " good, because I am not discussing with wife or our life with you. It is not part of this".

 

I think she did want to know but she wanted him to tell her on his own. I never understand why it is discussed.

[Grey Cloud]

Just thinking back now to a few occasions with my xMM.....early on in our A we got quite hot and heavy at work in the afternoon but due to others being around couldn't progress things. He said he was so worked up that he would have to go and jerk off later on. The next day I asked him how he went and lo and behold he admitted he didn't masturbate but ended up having sex with his wife because SHE initiated and it would seem weird if he said no (after telling me another time that she hardly ever initiates). What bull****! He was totally horny so went home from work and jumped on his wife whereas he fed me the story that he just had to go along with it.

 

Then another time later on in the affair he wanted to get physical at work. I said no. We were deep in push/pull by then and I was trying to step back from him. Well he totally sulked about that. A couple of hours later he told me that sex with his wife was happening that night as he just happened to magically receive a text message from her whilst he was at work asking for sex. What an amazing coincidence seeing she rarely initiated!!!! It totally was a jealousy tactic and unfortunately at the time it worked and he got under my skin.

 

It's just so toxic when you are in the midst of it all but you can see things so much clearer when you are out of it.

[spideywoman]

hi _ no, we didn't. I always assumed he continued to have sex with his wife as I did with my stbxh. Granted, for me it was a chore _ I hadn't been attracted to my husband physically for a few years and was just going through the motions, as hard as that is to write and say.

 

I never assumed he was not, not having sex with his wife. To me it seemed perfectly natural he would, expected even _ under which circumstances I don't care (whether it was like my case, or if he enjoyed it, etc.) He never told me otherwise, he never said 'we never have sex, she is frigid, she doesn't want it, etc.' I didn't get any of the talk that seem to be pervasive in these types of situations.

 

On one day I had sex with my stbxh, it was worse than usual. Not only was I just not responding physically, but also emotionally I was a wreck and teared up. All I could think of was that I was "cheating" on my MM on top of all the other guilt I was feeling. (This incident happened a few months after the affair started.) Never felt that again, only that one time. In any case, a few days later, the next day, I don't remember when, I told MM. And I could see he was taken aback a bit. Like WTF is she talking about, that's weird? It didn't prompt a conversation about sex with our spouses and neither was I wanting it to; I just felt like telling him. Some time after that he told me he had felt the same as I did the last time he and his wife had sex. (Last time meaning the last time before he and I were having this particular conversation.)

 

So, didn't come up, neither one of us asked or pried and quite honestly, if he had brought it up I would have shut it down. I don't want to hear about that. Some things you know are true, you know are happening, but there's no need for details. Kinda like eating a hotdog. I am crazy about a good hotdog with all the trimmings but I don't need to know how it's made, you know? Apologies to all the vegans / vegetarians out there. Couldn't think of another analogy.

[Jemima1234]

Just thinking back now to a few occasions with my xMM.....early on in our A we got quite hot and heavy at work in the afternoon but due to others being around couldn't progress things. He said he was so worked up that he would have to go and jerk off later on. The next day I asked him how he went and lo and behold he admitted he didn't masturbate but ended up having sex with his wife because SHE initiated and it would seem weird if he said no (after telling me another time that she hardly ever initiates). What bull****! He was totally horny so went home from work and jumped on his wife whereas he fed me the story that he just had to go along with it.

 

Then another time later on in the affair he wanted to get physical at work. I said no. We were deep in push/pull by then and I was trying to step back from him. Well he totally sulked about that. A couple of hours later he told me that sex with his wife was happening that night as he just happened to magically receive a text message from her whilst he was at work asking for sex. What an amazing coincidence seeing she rarely initiated!!!! It totally was a jealousy tactic and unfortunately at the time it worked and he got under my skin.

 

It's just so toxic when you are in the midst of it all but you can see things so much clearer when you are out of it.

 

Oh my goodness that's horrendous he told you all that!!!! Although I suppose at least you knew he was being honest about his sex life!!!! I would crack up tho to hear it!

[Jemima1234]

He told me his wife was frigid and didnt enjoy sex with him, and that it was something they would do about once a month to 'get it over with'.

in the last months he would say that he didnt want to do it and that on the rare occasions it happened it was her who initiated it and he was just the 'victim' who went with it. I now dont believe that.

It made me sick to think about it. Im glad that now that its over i no longer have to.

 

My xMM has told me it happened about once a month over recent years until the affair then stopped!!he says his wife has still wanted it but he hasn't! Now I don't believe this!!! And am sure if was true he had sex that night after we did!!!!

[Chica80]

Once things started in my A. I stopped having sex w H. I could not. Could not kiss him could not do anything.

 

He was engaged when A started. And told me they did not have sex. Don't know if this is true or not. But I assume they do now if they didn't before.

 

I don't want to know about it. I don't want to know anything about them. We don't talk about her. Never have. Except when I try to "understand" him. Like why are you doing this. And if things were the other way around how would you feel. The only thing he had said once a couple months ago was they were fighting. I said well you wanted this. You wanted to get married. So do what you have to do to fix it.

 

But as far as sex in general. We talk about everything. My past my experiences. His etc. I've never shared that openly with anyone else.

[imsosad]

This thread gets me thinking, maybe MM are more willing to tell MOW they are having sex with their wives and try not to disclose it to the single OW. I guess MOW are in the same position,and possibly experience themselves the improbability of being exclusive with the AP. I think it creates an imbalance with single OW and that's why they shush it.

Spidey, oh yes. I've experienced exactly what you described. My stbxh and I went on holiday during my A. My AP was having a breakdown,imaganing all the wild sex we were having, while I was totally closed down physically and emotionally and sex was just awfu for me then. My stbxh couldnt understand what was up. Just pain all around.

Sunshinechica, is your AP married yet?

[spideywoman]

This thread gets me thinking, maybe MM are more willing to tell MOW they are having sex with their wives and try not to disclose it to the single OW. I guess MOW are in the same position,and possibly experience themselves the improbability of being exclusive with the AP. I think it creates an imbalance with single OW and that's why they shush it.

Spidey, oh yes. I've experienced exactly what you described. My stbxh and I went on holiday during my A. My AP was having a breakdown,imaganing all the wild sex we were having, while I was totally closed down physically and emotionally and sex was just awfu for me then. My stbxh couldnt understand what was up. Just pain all around.

Sunshinechica, is your AP married yet?

 

imsosad _ your post reminded me of a vacation stbxh and i took last year. to rome, of all places. the eternal city. it was a catastrophe all around. i found out later through little clues that AP, like yours, was going nutty. (we never really talked about jealousy because hey, as you said, the impossibility of being exclusive and also what's the point? but there was some jealousy from both sides.) anywho. here i am, several months into the affair and already in love with another man and it was the last place i wanted to be. by the force of God, i don't know what, i made it through until the second to last day. (mercifully, it was a 4-day trip.) on the third day i heard AP was in the hospital, in ICU. i went crazy. almost disclosed it to my husband _ i don't know how to this day he hasn't confronted me about it because i was about to jump on an airplane back home to be with AP since he was alone. and it was so, so obvious i had completely checked out. that trip was the beginning of the end for me in terms of accepting that my marriage was over. Four months later i told him i basically wanted out and a few months after that stbxhb moved out. painful? yes. but i am glad it happened. and AP survived ... his wife made it to the hospital about a day and a half later. we arrived at the same time. one of the most surreal situations i have been in.

Edited October 5, 2016 by spideywoman

[Ahurtgirl]

We talked about it often. He knew I was not having any type of intimacy other than with him and I knew he was still being intimate with his wife. It caused me pain knowing he was with both of us. He shared details about how they did it, like he would joke to her to "shut the door, then he would take off her clothes, and tell her what he wanted her to do, etc" and told me she didn't shave and hated that she didn't like him going down on her, etc. At one point he stated how great it was that he was getting sex 7 days a week between his wife and then from me. If I got upset about it, he would say he needed time and space from me and we wouldn't talk for two or three days and then he would call me again. I'm guessing his wife is giving him all he needs for sex since he ended things with me 6 weeks ago as he hasn't attempted contact.

What a mess it was and even though I miss the intimacy, I don't miss the mind games and all the other manipulative things he said and did.

[RecentChange]

We didn't play these silly games.

 

Want to know what we honestly said? I said my sex life at home was pretty good, and he agreed, said his was as well.

 

We would point out reaons why our affair wasn't justified, and was really selfish, shrug and go have sex.

 

Oh - and I openly admitted that he would tease me up and I would then go have sex with my husband. He laughed and said it made him feel better.

 

You see, both of us were quite honest about wanting to stay married, and that we were pretty happy in our marriages, the affair was about being selfish, having our cake and eating it too.

 

It wasn't until LS that I learned about these ridiculous tangle of lies most affairs involve.

Edited October 5, 2016 by RecentChange

[Jemima1234]

Really interesting replies thank you everyone.

 

I am a MW but am being honest when say there is no sex happening at home.

 

Just thinking I think I would have preferred him to be having very occasional sex and being honest about it than for him to either be lying about it throughout or have been genuine but now restarting sex again. Like he can now be over me and move on so quickly

 

What a crap mess affairs are!!!! How I regret this!!!

[rainbowsandkittens]

My xMM told me he didn't have sex with his partner very often. Once a month or so, sometimes longer. I told him that seemed pretty normal given that they had 2 small kids, both worked (well, she was in grad school. sort of.) and had been together a long time. He seemed petulant about it. He told me things that she didn't like to do, I think mainly to get me to do them. Once I asked him if he would tell me if they had sex. He asked me if I wanted him to. I thought about it and decided that I didn't. I assumed they were and that was bad enough. Not because he was having sex with her per se, more about the jealousy of sleeping with someone who was sleeping with someone else. Such terrible thinking, I know.

 

He used to tell me when she would "call (him) to bed." That always got me the worst.

 

Grey- Mine used to masterbate in the office. We would sext during work and he would go to the bathroom and send me pictures. I truly can't understand how anyone can do that. But apparently European bathroom stalls are more private than American ones. Lol.

[Chica80]

This thread gets me thinking, maybe MM are more willing to tell MOW they are having sex with their wives and try not to disclose it to the single OW. I guess MOW are in the same position,and possibly experience themselves the improbability of being exclusive with the AP. I think it creates an imbalance with single OW and that's why they shush it.

Spidey, oh yes. I've experienced exactly what you described. My stbxh and I went on holiday during my A. My AP was having a breakdown,imaganing all the wild sex we were having, while I was totally closed down physically and emotionally and sex was just awfu for me then. My stbxh couldnt understand what was up. Just pain all around.

Sunshinechica, is your AP married yet?

 

Yes he's been married for over a year now.

 

Our A more than 18 mo. Off and on, not longer than a couple weeks though.

[Chica80]

imsosad _ your post reminded me of a vacation stbxh and i took last year. to rome, of all places. the eternal city. it was a catastrophe all around. i found out later through little clues that AP, like yours, was going nutty. (we never really talked about jealousy because hey, as you said, the impossibility of being exclusive and also what's the point? but there was some jealousy from both sides.) anywho. here i am, several months into the affair and already in love with another man and it was the last place i wanted to be. by the force of God, i don't know what, i made it through until the second to last day. (mercifully, it was a 4-day trip.) on the third day i heard AP was in the hospital, in ICU. i went crazy. almost disclosed it to my husband _ i don't know how to this day he hasn't confronted me about it because i was about to jump on an airplane back home to be with AP since he was alone. and it was so, so obvious i had completely checked out. that trip was the beginning of the end for me in terms of accepting that my marriage was over. Four months later i told him i basically wanted out and a few months after that stbxhb moved out. painful? yes. but i am glad it happened. and AP survived ... his wife made it to the hospital about a day and a half later. we arrived at the same time. one of the most surreal situations i have been in.

 

Wow Spidey. That has to be crazy. For sure surreal!!

[SammySammy]

Yes, we talked about it.

 

She said they had sex once or twice a month, only in the missionary position, he could last five minutes max then would roll over to go to sleep. Acting like he was the best lover in the world. Leaving her frustrated and unfilled.

 

She said worst was his stubbornness and unwillingness to change or try anything different. Neither had given or received oral sex for the entirety or their relationship. No toys, no lingerie, no different locations or positions. So on and so forth. Just the same boring, unsatisfying routine.

 

She knew an ex-boyfriend who was anything but boring and routine. Unfortunately, that was me. She also knew I would never be with her if I knew she was married. So, she pursued me and lied about being married to get what she wanted.

 

I am indifferent about her story. I believe her and it paints a picture of what can happen if you leave your spouse unfulfilled. I just wish I had never been involved.

 

It's an interesting sob story, but I don't think it justifies anything. If you're that unhappy, get divorced first before getting other people involved.

 

Just my opinion.

[malvern99]

Grey- Mine used to masterbate in the office. We would sext during work and he would go to the bathroom and send me pictures. I truly can't understand how anyone can do that. But apparently European bathroom stalls are more private than American ones. Lol.

 

WTF :lmao:!?!?!?! Where do you find these dudes?