Did you/ your AP discuss sex life with spouse? How did you feel about it?

[JustJoe]

Nobody is saying it's right to have these struggles - but it's reality. This is the other woman / man forum - the only place these things can be discussed!! Wish it made me laugh but it doesn't! I know I have no rights but it doesn't change the pain!

If you are in an affair, then you have two choices: 1. Make all discussion of the marriage or marriages off limits. 2. Learn to live with a lot of unpleasant images. Personally, I opted for #1.

[JustJoe]

My xMM said once that he has a good sex life with W. After that I wasn't allowed to mention it to him again. I didn't have any sex life whatsoever with H and it got even worse once the A began because by then I couldn't even stand H's (few) kisses anymore. xMM wouldn't mind mentioned my (non existing) sex life with H but he would mind if I asked about his sex life with W.

 

Also, what Grey wrote about him being all horny because of her, is the same as how it went with xMM. I'm sure he had sex with W after he got horny from seeing me/ talking to me/ whatever. When I asked him about it , he got furious and gave me silent treatment just so I would never dare to ask it again.

 

I think it's weird that he wanted sex with me even though he had such a good sex life with W

Weird in what way? Many people have multiple sex partners. If you have already violated the marriage contract, then how is your multiple partners different from any others?

[JustJoe]

Lol, so glad to know you're the "mature and sophisticated" kind of cheater

Cheater? I wasn't aware that I was cheating on anybody. I was just an Army Officer having sex with a really hot woman. Her relationship status, was her business. BTW, I NEVER, EVER tried to hide what I was doing from anybody, nor did I keep any "secrets" for my AP.

[JustJoe]

I have to agree with Sunshine's last post on this thread. I'm one of the people who made you chuckle and am apparently deluded. I don't know what your story is but if you're married to your former AP now as Sunshine says, how does that factor in if nobody had any rights, or nothing was was real, as you said?

 

The rights anyone has can be bestowed upon them _ i.e. MM choses to share whatever details and the OW has the right to listen or not; that would be my right. I may think I had a right to know what was going on in my AP's marriage (which I didn't because I wasn't interested) and it's his right to either fill me in, or not. That's his right. I have a right to demand many things; I did and got what I needed the majority of the time. When I didn't I sucked it up. Similarly with my AP _ he had a right to ask and what he got, he got; what he didn't, he didn't. There's no rulebook here. Every relationship, whether it's an affair, a marriage, mother daughter, father / son _ has boundaries and rights are within those. Sure, in terms of "legal" rights I would guess most APs have no standing. I didn't. If that's what you meant, ignore my reply. But to dismiss any feelings, emotions, shared experiences and memories that are borne out of an affair because of a swooping blanket belief that APs have no rights I think is rather narrow-minded and quite restricting as far as any relationship goes.

 

If sophistication and adulthood means what you describe, I'd rather remain crass and immature (and deluded.)

I do not want to T/J Jemima's thread, but I will try to give you and Sushinechica a short answer.

I had the honor of serving in the Gulf War, and received a few decorations for bravery (completely undeserved). So, I was one of the guests of honor at a banquet given by a Texas political party, honoring veterans. My AP was the trophy wife of a young and up and coming political figure. When we were first introduced, the sexual tension was so thick you could not cut it with a chainsaw. For the first year of our affair, it was for sex...and only that. She would come to my home, we would have sex , and she would leave. Minimal conversation, and NONE of it about her marriage.

After a while, she developed feelings for me, which I DID NOT, at first, reciprocate. The truth is, that she was very beautiful, but I really didn't like her much as a person. She fit into my plans very well, though. I wanted sex bu no commitment, and thats all. So, you see, I had no interest in her life, outside of the bedroom.

I believe that there are past posts of mine in the archives, if you want to know more.

[spideywoman]

She wrote that he was the most moral & principled man she had ever known!

 

We're returning home to England very soon. I won't be isolated & vulnerable once I'm home with my babies, surrounded by family & friends.

 

At the end of the day we should all plan for OUR futures in the best way that we can. I'm not brave. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right path. I'm taking the best first step I can think of. I wish I was stronger. I was hit with all of this at my weakest most broken state, physically & mentally.

 

Life can be so complicated & so very difficult. Maybe I'm just not brave enough to close my eyes & jump. I took a leap of faith when I first got onto the USA plane....

 

Thank you all for the kind words. I can't believe I wrote that. So embarrassing

 

ShatteredLady _ i hope you have a good journey home. i don't know you, but from the snippets i have seen here you are a very brave woman. you've taken life by the horns and battling valiantly. aside from the affair, you have been dealing with all sorts of other pain. even waking up in the morning takes courage and you have it in spades. not only that, as the OW, i have found your posts to be incredibly warm, sympathetic and compassionate. that says a lot.

 

your strength may have been wobbled but it will build back up again.

 

big hugs.

Edited October 7, 2016 by spideywoman

[spideywoman]

I do not want to T/J Jemima's thread, but I will try to give you and Sushinechica a short answer.

I had the honor of serving in the Gulf War, and received a few decorations for bravery (completely undeserved). So, I was one of the guests of honor at a banquet given by a Texas political party, honoring veterans. My AP was the trophy wife of a young and up and coming political figure. When we were first introduced, the sexual tension was so thick you could not cut it with a chainsaw. For the first year of our affair, it was for sex...and only that. She would come to my home, we would have sex , and she would leave. Minimal conversation, and NONE of it about her marriage.

After a while, she developed feelings for me, which I DID NOT, at first, reciprocate. The truth is, that she was very beautiful, but I really didn't like her much as a person. She fit into my plans very well, though. I wanted sex bu no commitment, and thats all. So, you see, I had no interest in her life, outside of the bedroom.

I believe that there are past posts of mine in the archives, if you want to know more.

 

thanks for taking the time to write back JJ. will check out archives for sure. and thank you for your service.

[JustJoe]

I have to agree with Sunshine's last post on this thread. I'm one of the people who made you chuckle and am apparently deluded. I don't know what your story is but if you're married to your former AP now as Sunshine says, how does that factor in if nobody had any rights, or nothing was was real, as you said?

 

The rights anyone has can be bestowed upon them _ i.e. MM choses to share whatever details and the OW has the right to listen or not; that would be my right. I may think I had a right to know what was going on in my AP's marriage (which I didn't because I wasn't interested) and it's his right to either fill me in, or not. That's his right. I have a right to demand many things; I did and got what I needed the majority of the time. When I didn't I sucked it up. Similarly with my AP _ he had a right to ask and what he got, he got; what he didn't, he didn't. There's no rulebook here. Every relationship, whether it's an affair, a marriage, mother daughter, father / son _ has boundaries and rights are within those. Sure, in terms of "legal" rights I would guess most APs have no standing. I didn't. If that's what you meant, ignore my reply. But to dismiss any feelings, emotions, shared experiences and memories that are borne out of an affair because of a swooping blanket belief that APs have no rights I think is rather narrow-minded and quite restricting as far as any relationship goes.

 

If sophistication and adulthood means what you describe, I'd rather remain crass and immature (and deluded.)

I do not want to T/J Jemima's thread, but I will try to give you and Sushinechica a short answer.

I had the honor of serving in the Gulf War, and received a few decorations for bravery (completely undeserved). So, I was one of the guests of honor at a banquet given by a Texas political party, honoring veterans. My AP was the trophy wife of a young and up and coming political figure. When we were first introduced, the sexual tension was so thick you could not cut it with a chainsaw. For the first year of our affair, it was for sex...and only that. She would come to my home, we would have sex , and she would leave. Minimal conversation, and NONE of it about her marriage.

After a while, she developed feelings for me, which I DID NOT, at first, reciprocate. The truth is, that she was very beautiful, but I really didn't like her much as a person. She fit into my plans very well, though. I wanted sex bu no commitment, and thats all. So, you see, I had no interest in her life, outside of the bedroom.

I believe that there are past posts of mine in the archives, if you want to know more.

Edited October 7, 2016 by JustJoe
repeat post

[Chica80]

I do not want to T/J Jemima's thread, but I will try to give you and Sushinechica a short answer.

I had the honor of serving in the Gulf War, and received a few decorations for bravery (completely undeserved). So, I was one of the guests of honor at a banquet given by a Texas political party, honoring veterans. My AP was the trophy wife of a young and up and coming political figure. When we were first introduced, the sexual tension was so thick you could not cut it with a chainsaw. For the first year of our affair, it was for sex...and only that. She would come to my home, we would have sex , and she would leave. Minimal conversation, and NONE of it about her marriage.

After a while, she developed feelings for me, which I DID NOT, at first, reciprocate. The truth is, that she was very beautiful, but I really didn't like her much as a person. She fit into my plans very well, though. I wanted sex bu no commitment, and thats all. So, you see, I had no interest in her life, outside of the bedroom.

I believe that there are past posts of mine in the archives, if you want to know more.

 

Hey Joe so I read some of your past post...Not all but some. They ask a lot of questions....Not so much insight into YOUR relationship/A.

 

My question was you stated before affairs are not real relationships. In the beginning it was just sex you said. But at some point it must have become real, your married. So what changed?

 

I do/ did talk to AP about my M. But I talk to him about everything in my life. He does not talk about his home life. As I don't want to know.

[JustJoe]

thanks for taking the time to write back JJ. will check out archives for sure. and thank you for your service.

I personally do not believe that thanks are necessary for doing one's duty.

[JustJoe]

Hey Joe so I read some of your past post...Not all but some. They ask a lot of questions....Not so much insight into YOUR relationship/A.

 

My question was you stated before affairs are not real relationships. In the beginning it was just sex you said. But at some point it must have become real, your married. So what changed?

 

I do/ did talk to AP about my M. But I talk to him about everything in my life. He does not talk about his home life. As I don't want to know.

Lessee if I can explain it better. At first it was all sex, then she began to have feelings for me , which I resisted, because I knew that she was basically a gold-digger, who married for money. But I came to realize that there was more to her than what was on the surface. There was a kindness and loving nature underneath the physical beauty. She hated what she was, but was afraid to be on her own, so I forced her to choose between money and prestige and love and desire. Obviously she made the right choice.

[Chica80]

Lessee if I can explain it better. At first it was all sex, then she began to have feelings for me , which I resisted, because I knew that she was basically a gold-digger, who married for money. But I came to realize that there was more to her than what was on the surface. There was a kindness and loving nature underneath the physical beauty. She hated what she was, but was afraid to be on her own, so I forced her to choose between money and prestige and love and desire. Obviously she made the right choice.

 

IC....thanks. For the response.

[MJJean]

Maybe, but she's not wrong in general. Yeah,there are exceptions. I imagine almost none of what is said here about MM applies to you and your partner, but it does describe most affairs.

I think you've had a very,very rare experience of an A.

I also ended up with my AP, but I cant say I dont recognize different aspects of our A in many common themes on the threads here.

 

I'm not so sure it does describe most affairs. Most of the guy friends (really, just friends) I had that were in affairs weren't having sex with their wives. Some because they lost attraction for her, some being "loyal" to their AP's, some because the BW simply wasn't interested in sex and hadn't been for a time, and a few that were separated due to work or military service.

 

I had multiple affairs and so did exH. I have no idea if he talked about whatever sex we may have been having with them. I generally didn't talk to my AP's about my sex life. If one asked, I'd give a short and simple answer. No details. It wasn't any of their business, honestly.

 

My AP's were generally single or in the dating phase. I assumed they were having sex outside of their time with me and never really thought about it beyond that. Not my business.

 

During my first marriage, I sometimes had more than one AP at a time and I had no problem having sex with AP's and occasionally with then H. I don't generally tie sex to emotion. When I met my then AP and now DH, that all changed. We talked about absolutely everything. After I became involved with him, I lost interest in and stopped having sex with other men altogether.

 

Used to piss me off royally that people assumed I was still having sex with exH simply because we were legally married. Somehow, the idea that I could just say "No." and, when asked why, say "Because I don't want to, now bug off!" never crossed their minds.

Edited October 7, 2016 by MJJean

[minimariah]

I'm not so sure it does describe most affairs. Most of the guy friends (really, just friends) I had that were in affairs weren't having sex with their wives.

 

that definitely depends on your experience and environment - for example, i've worked with many MMs and most of them lead a very active (& even exciting) sex life with the wives.

 

i'm sure someone made a research or a statistic about it, too.

[solonely9]

We rarely spoke of our sex lives with our spouses. I can't sleep with two people at the same time, so when I got involved with XMM, I stopped having sex with my H. My H didn't even notice, as our M has been pretty much sexless for years. XMM said that he would continue to have sex with his W, because, otherwise, it would look suspicious. His narrative was that he did not enjoy sex with her and that she was the one initiating things. After our first time, he had sex with her the next day. It doesn't matter how I found out, but it didn't bother me one bit. I did not have feelings for him then.

However, after I fell for him, the sex thing started to affect me. A few months into the affair, they went on a short trip. He was texting me the whole day and I expected to chat with him later in the evening, as we usually did, but he didn't show up. The next time I saw him, I straight up asked him, if he had sex with her that night and he said "yes." It was like a stab in the heart, it hurt a lot. I made a big deal out of it and was determined to end the A. He cried and begged me not to do it, saying how he couldn't refuse, because she would think something was up, and swore to me that he would stop having sex with her. In that moment, I realized how absurd the whole situation was. After all, who was I to interfere in their M and sex life...

I admit it. I still check his social media. I decided to post in this thread in order to vent a bit, because, just now, I saw him bragging about how great his new bed is, because it doesn't make noises, when you use it for passionate you know what. When I read this post, I swear, I broke into sweat and started shaking. I felt like throwing up. This whole thing makes me so sick. I'm watching Cast Away, as I'm typing this and I so wish to be stranded on a desert island right now, where there are no reminders of this person. One thing he would do, for example, was to try things with me and, then, compare the "result" to the one he was getting with his W. Bleh

I don't know. Everything is such a mess. Boundaries never work. You end up in a horrible pain. Don't know which way is up most of the time. Thousands of thoughts attack you at any given second. Imagination runs crazy. It is a sick, sick situation.

[Midwestmissy]

So lonely he sounds like a total nightmare. And a gross one too.

[spideywoman]

We rarely spoke of our sex lives with our spouses. I can't sleep with two people at the same time, so when I got involved with XMM, I stopped having sex with my H. My H didn't even notice, as our M has been pretty much sexless for years. XMM said that he would continue to have sex with his W, because, otherwise, it would look suspicious. His narrative was that he did not enjoy sex with her and that she was the one initiating things. After our first time, he had sex with her the next day. It doesn't matter how I found out, but it didn't bother me one bit. I did not have feelings for him then.

However, after I fell for him, the sex thing started to affect me. A few months into the affair, they went on a short trip. He was texting me the whole day and I expected to chat with him later in the evening, as we usually did, but he didn't show up. The next time I saw him, I straight up asked him, if he had sex with her that night and he said "yes." It was like a stab in the heart, it hurt a lot. I made a big deal out of it and was determined to end the A. He cried and begged me not to do it, saying how he couldn't refuse, because she would think something was up, and swore to me that he would stop having sex with her. In that moment, I realized how absurd the whole situation was. After all, who was I to interfere in their M and sex life...

I admit it. I still check his social media. I decided to post in this thread in order to vent a bit, because, just now, I saw him bragging about how great his new bed is, because it doesn't make noises, when you use it for passionate you know what. When I read this post, I swear, I broke into sweat and started shaking. I felt like throwing up. This whole thing makes me so sick. I'm watching Cast Away, as I'm typing this and I so wish to be stranded on a desert island right now, where there are no reminders of this person. One thing he would do, for example, was to try things with me and, then, compare the "result" to the one he was getting with his W. Bleh

I don't know. Everything is such a mess. Boundaries never work. You end up in a horrible pain. Don't know which way is up most of the time. Thousands of thoughts attack you at any given second. Imagination runs crazy. It is a sick, sick situation.

 

ugh. what a sicko, the comparison thing. i can see why you had the reaction you did. some of these threads drudge up painful memories and shake the apple cart emotionally. i'm sure you have been told this already but don't do the social media thing. don't check up on him. try to resist the urge and temptation. create your own desert island in the middle of wherever you are. hang in there, stay strong.

[Adoraxx]

Solonely ugh hugs to you, he really does sound like a nightmare!!

[JustJoe]

Solonely, please explain to me how your refusal to have sex with your husband, and your reluctance to discus it with your AP, somehow makes you a "better person" or more moral , or more empathetic. You are the same immoral , cheating person as your AP, only not as vocal. It's like thieves stealing from each other. Why would you ever expect anything else?

The almost constant, common thread among cheaters is the almost infinite ability to delude themselves. The other is, blaming the AP for the problems in your own marriage. I was not married when I had my affair, so why was I supposed to protect the marriage of somebody I did not know, and never planned to ? If you cannot protect your own marriage, you shouldn't be married.

[sandylee1]

She wrote that he was the most moral & principled man she had ever known!

 

We're returning home to England very soon. I won't be isolated & vulnerable once I'm home with my babies, surrounded by family & friends.

 

At the end of the day we should all plan for OUR futures in the best way that we can. I'm not brave. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right path. I'm taking the best first step I can think of. I wish I was stronger. I was hit with all of this at my weakest most broken state, physically & mentally.

 

Life can be so complicated & so very difficult. Maybe I'm just not brave enough to close my eyes & jump. I took a leap of faith when I first got onto the USA plane....

 

Thank you all for the kind words. I can't believe I wrote that. So embarrassing

 

SL,

 

You're stronger than you'll ever know. Of so many BWs here you have amazing compassion and empathy. Sometimes I think you have more compassion than the normal person might .... and I think people including your husband take advantage of your kind nature.

 

It just shows the mindset of people in As to suggest such a person is moraled and principled. We all know affairs are about stroking egos amongst other things. Telling themselves how great they are. Well I say fiddlesticks to that.

 

Good old England will be better for you, I'll PM you about that.

[justavillagegirl]

Solonely, please explain to me how your refusal to have sex with your husband, and your reluctance to discus it with your AP, somehow makes you a "better person" or more moral , or more empathetic. You are the same immoral , cheating person as your AP, only not as vocal. It's like thieves stealing from each other. Why would you ever expect anything else?

The almost constant, common thread among cheaters is the almost infinite ability to delude themselves. The other is, blaming the AP for the problems in your own marriage. I was not married when I had my affair, so why was I supposed to protect the marriage of somebody I did not know, and never planned to ? If you cannot protect your own marriage, you shouldn't be married.

 

Do you realise that you're insulting your own wife?

[Birdies]

Solonely, please explain to me how your refusal to have sex with your husband, and your reluctance to discus it with your AP, somehow makes you a "better person" or more moral , or more empathetic. You are the same immoral , cheating person as your AP, only not as vocal. It's like thieves stealing from each other. Why would you ever expect anything else?

The almost constant, common thread among cheaters is the almost infinite ability to delude themselves. The other is, blaming the AP for the problems in your own marriage. I was not married when I had my affair, so why was I supposed to protect the marriage of somebody I did not know, and never planned to ? If you cannot protect your own marriage, you shouldn't be married.

 

You're awfully judgmental for someone who had a prolonged affair with a married woman.

[DKT3]

You're awfully judgmental for someone who had a prolonged affair with a married woman.

 

I don't see it as judgement, rather it's pointing out the rampant hypocrisy on this site, and amount cheaters in general. Simply put its the expectations that people should treat one better then they treat others, or their pain and/or happiness is more important no matter who gets burned in the process.

[Cloudcuckoo]

SL,

 

You're stronger than you'll ever know. Of so many BWs here you have amazing compassion and empathy. Sometimes I think you have more compassion than the normal person might .... and I think people including your husband take advantage of your kind nature.

 

It just shows the mindset of people in As to suggest such a person is moraled and principled. We all know affairs are about stroking egos amongst other things. Telling themselves how great they are. Well I say fiddlesticks to that.

 

Good old England will be better for you, I'll PM you about that.

 

I agree with sandylee.

 

You've got a few of us here at home waiting when you come back to Blighty shattered....

 

Chin up...

 

Sorry troops, thread jack over....

 

 

Cuckoo x

[ladydesigner]

Solonely, please explain to me how your refusal to have sex with your husband, and your reluctance to discus it with your AP, somehow makes you a "better person" or more moral , or more empathetic. You are the same immoral , cheating person as your AP, only not as vocal. It's like thieves stealing from each other. Why would you ever expect anything else?

The almost constant, common thread among cheaters is the almost infinite ability to delude themselves. The other is, blaming the AP for the problems in your own marriage. I was not married when I had my affair, so why was I supposed to protect the marriage of somebody I did not know, and never planned to ? If you cannot protect your own marriage, you shouldn't be married.

 

I agree with this actually, both the WS and the AP (if they are knowingly in an A) possess the same moral compass in the A.

[Birdies]

I don't see it as judgement, rather it's pointing out the rampant hypocrisy on this site, and amount cheaters in general. Simply put its the expectations that people should treat one better then they treat others, or their pain and/or happiness is more important no matter who gets burned in the process.

 

I agree with that 100%. Those qualities are detestable. But I also see a lot of soul searching and self-incrimination and people striving to learn from their mistakes.