Did you/ your AP discuss sex life with spouse? How did you feel about it?

[solonely9]

Solonely, please explain to me how your refusal to have sex with your husband, and your reluctance to discus it with your AP, somehow makes you a "better person" or more moral , or more empathetic. You are the same immoral , cheating person as your AP, only not as vocal. It's like thieves stealing from each other. Why would you ever expect anything else?

The almost constant, common thread among cheaters is the almost infinite ability to delude themselves. The other is, blaming the AP for the problems in your own marriage. I was not married when I had my affair, so why was I supposed to protect the marriage of somebody I did not know, and never planned to ? If you cannot protect your own marriage, you shouldn't be married.

 

Who says that I'm a better person? Certainly not me. I understand that I was a part of a deceit and that I cannot expect him not to do the same to me, but what do you want me to do? I guess you're suggesting I should just brush it off and not feel anything? Isn't that the point of all this pain thought, to learn from it and not to repeat the same mistake?

 

I admit it though. You started off well. However, your rationalization of why you actually DO consider yourself "a better person," honestly, ruined your post. I bet that you are regularly guilt tripping your W, because, from what I got from your threads, you indeed believe that you always did the right thing. Nonetheless, you're not any different. If you were "a better person," you wouldn't have gotten involved with a MW in first place. You taking advantage of the state of her M is the same as anyone taking advantage of a bad situation. It is like my bank wiring somebody else's money to my account. Oh, if the bank can't protect its clients' money, why should I worry about them? I guess I can just withdraw and spend them. But hey, as I say, whatever works for you, JJ.

[justavillagegirl]

I don't see it as judgement, rather it's pointing out the rampant hypocrisy on this site, and amount cheaters in general. Simply put its the expectations that people should treat one better then they treat others, or their pain and/or happiness is more important no matter who gets burned in the process.

 

Do you not worry about your adulterous wife burning you, Joe?

[grassisorisntgreener]

It's so discouraging sometimes to read threads and watch people assume things about others.

 

I have found that most people who post just need to get their feelings out. Nobody is typically sticking up for their behaviors...just sort of telling their side of things. And then others need to make a point to remind them of how terrible they are. Because they didn't already know...eye roll.

 

Most of the posts here run a very similar story line, but don't forget that everyone's pain is individual and their own, and they can have it. And you should let them.

[DKT3]

Do you not worry about your adulterous wife burning you, Joe?

 

I'm a bit confused as to whom this is too.

 

I'll answer anyway, no I'm not concerned about my wife repeating. Two reasons 1) she owns her ***** 100%. She has identified why she allowed herself to be open to what she did and has modified her behavior in those areas, not only that she has sustained the changes for several years. When those behavior pop up she quickly backtracks, apologize and moves forward. 2) her affair has had a more devastating effect on her in her other interpersonal relationships, with our son, her parents, her sister her then best friend who just happened to be my younger sister. She still struggling with this, our son is so very angry with her now.

 

So no I don't worry about it, if I did I would not have remarried her.

[JustJoe]

Do you realise that you're insulting your own wife?

Not at all. My wife WAS an immoral person (as she freely admits). She was a golddigger who married for money. Now, having said that, there were extenuating circumstances. She was trained from childhood, by her mother, to go after rich men. Now, she is one of the finest, most moral and honest people I have ever known. I would not have married her, otherwise. You should read my story in the archives. I really don't have the time to go into it again.

[Robert]

Members, let's get back to the original topic at hand. Disruptive members will not be tolerated after this moderation note.

 

Thank you,

 

~ V

[JustJoe]

You're awfully judgmental for someone who had a prolonged affair with a married woman.

Not at all. I am merely stating the obvious fact that affair partners have a very odd sense of morality.

[JustJoe]

Who says that I'm a better person? Certainly not me. I understand that I was a part of a deceit and that I cannot expect him not to do the same to me, but what do you want me to do? I guess you're suggesting I should just brush it off and not feel anything? Isn't that the point of all this pain thought, to learn from it and not to repeat the same mistake?

 

I admit it though. You started off well. However, your rationalization of why you actually DO consider yourself "a better person," honestly, ruined your post. I bet that you are regularly guilt tripping your W, because, from what I got from your threads, you indeed believe that you always did the right thing. Nonetheless, you're not any different. If you were "a better person," you wouldn't have gotten involved with a MW in first place. You taking advantage of the state of her M is the same as anyone taking advantage of a bad situation. It is like my bank wiring somebody else's money to my account. Oh, if the bank can't protect its clients' money, why should I worry about them? I guess I can just withdraw and spend them. But hey, as I say, whatever works for you, JJ.

Sorry if I gave the impression that I always did the right thing. In point of fact, I did not. But, I never deluded myself and I never abetted my AP's deception, nor did I apply any moral code to our affair. It was a sordid, sex romp, and nothing more.

I actually never think about it much, and my wife is MUCH, MUCH harder on herself than anyone else could ever be.

[JustJoe]

Do you not worry about your adulterous wife burning you, Joe?

Not at all.

[JustJoe]

Sorry, Solonely, I do understand that your discomfort is real. I am simply attempting to give another perspective to the original question.

I do not believe thaT there are "rules" to an affair, or that any kind of morality can be applied to an immoral situation. That, in my opinion , is hypocrisy.

An example , is another thread from a while back , where affair partners had sex in the marital bed of one of the participants. The vast majority of posters condemned him, as if it was somehow worse than having sex anywhere else. The immoral part is the affair, itself, not the location.

In this situation, the issue is the affair, not who you discus it with. There is no such thing as a moral affair, and it is delusion to think otherwise, in my opinion.

I have had my say, and do not wish to cause any more discord, so I will leave this thred. I apologize if I have offended anyone, such was not my intent..

Edited October 12, 2016 by JustJoe

[solonely9]

Sorry, Solonely, I do understand that your discomfort is real. I am simply attempting to give another perspective to the original question.

I do not believe thaT there are "rules" to an affair, or that any kind of morality can be applied to an immoral situation. That, in my opinion , is hypocrisy.

An example , is another thread from a while back , where affair partners had sex in the marital bed of one of the participants. The vast majority of posters condemned him, as if it was somehow worse than having sex anywhere else. The immoral part is the affair, itself, not the location.

In this situation, the issue is the affair, not who you discus it with. There is no such thing as a moral affair, and it is delusion to think otherwise, in my opinion.

I have had my say, and do not wish to cause any more discord, so I will leave this thred. I apologize if I have offended anyone, such was not my intent..

 

Hi, JJ. No need to be sorry. I agree with your point 100%. "A moral affair" is a mindblowing oxymoron.

 

However, as the moderator reminded us to go back to the thread's topic, my reply was limited to the question if XMM and I discussed our sex life with our spouses and if so, how this made me feel. So yes, we discussed it, although rarely, and it felt bad. Moral, conclusions, and the pain of the aftermath are a whole another topic.

[ShatteredLady]

How many 'affair couples' bonded over mocking the BS, honestly? How long he lasted, what she looked like naked? The sounds they made? How often they could 'get it up', how inconsiderate lovers they were? How saggy were her boobs after baby feeding?

 

Reading that an OW knew what the BS's vagina looked like triggered me. I bet he didn't say it was a 'beautiful flower'.

 

 

One of my rules in life is....If you ever know someone intimately enough to know where to hit to hurt them most it's only decent to NEVER say that thing.

[Lady2163]

We did talk about his sex life at home and some of my last sexual experiences.

 

Near the end of our time together, we both started to have some trouble. I was starting menopause and he was starting to enter the need for viagra. So, dryness on my part and limpness on his part kind of created a different dynamic and I learned a lot more about using my hands and mouth.

 

I didn't interpret his comments about the rare, vanilla sex he had as disrespectful. He didn't whine, he was very matter of fact.

 

We were together for seven years or so and this wasn't something we discussed very often.

 

I know he was having sex with his wife. Probably in the last year of things I knew WHEN he'd had sex or had failed to get/keep an erection.

[Lillyp32]

We didn't talk much about our sex lives with our spouses during the A. We both knew sex was still happening at home. It's a given. Then again our A wasn't all about sex either. Sex barely happened for us considering the length of the A. Although one time while we were having sex he said something about me doing him better than his wife (PG version). That was kind of a WTF? moment. I was thinking, you're seriously talking about this right now? What a jerk.

 

Also there wasn't any wife bashing from him. He didn't play the "my wife is a frigid B" game. He'd vent once in a while if there was an argument or something but that was about it. I did the same. He got to hear me vent a lot more as my M was very toxic and dysfunctional. He sorta became my shoulder to cry on.

 

I feel sickened hearing some of the things the MM said about their poor wives in this thread. I don't think I could've sat there a listened to it. It's just downright cruel and hurtful. That would be an instant turn off for me.

[Birdies]

How many 'affair couples' bonded over mocking the BS, honestly? How long he lasted, what she looked like naked? The sounds they made? How often they could 'get it up', how inconsiderate lovers they were? How saggy were her boobs after baby feeding?

 

Reading that an OW knew what the BS's vagina looked like triggered me. I bet he didn't say it was a 'beautiful flower'.

 

 

One of my rules in life is....If you ever know someone intimately enough to know where to hit to hurt them most it's only decent to NEVER say that thing.

 

For me personally, there was never any mocking of either of our spouses. We talked very honestly about the problems in our respective intimate lives with our spouses, but it was always done with respect (as much respect as you can have while in an affair - I realize that's a complete oxymoron).

 

What your husband said about you to his AP is incredibly unkind and I would guess, not the norm :/ Big hugs.

[imsosad]

Birdies,

I really dont see how discussing intimate details can be done with respect?

If it were your H talking about private aspects of your life,wouldnt you feel violated?

If i remember correctly, you and i are in a similar stage-progressing from affair to relationship.

My (A)P discussed very intimate details of their life with me. I cant accept it as a legitimate part of our R and it bothers me that he shared and said these things.

As far as Im concerned, it is part of the total disrespect and lack of boundries that affairs are. It doesnt matter tgat both marriages ended eventually. At the time we were both married and our respective spouses assumed privacy.

[DKT3]

It's a shame that people thinks it's somehow better they didn't say your better at sex then my spouse.....come on, do you really need to say it?

 

I'm respectful to my spouse while banging someone else....that should be part of some comedians stand-up act.

[DKT3]

For me personally, there was never any mocking of either of our spouses. We talked very honestly about the problems in our respective intimate lives with our spouses, but it was always done with respect (as much respect as you can have while in an affair - I realize that's a complete oxymoron).

 

What your husband said about you to his AP is incredibly unkind and I would guess, not the norm :/ Big hugs.

 

Again not saying the words doesn't get you a ticket on the moral high road, your actions resulted in the same outcome, utter betrayal and disrespect

[Birdies]

Again not saying the words doesn't get you a ticket on the moral high road, your actions resulted in the same outcome, utter betrayal and disrespect

 

Duh. I'm the first to admit it. Literally. Read my post. "Respect in an affair is a complete oxymoron."

 

Trust me, you or no one else can tell me anything about the absolute cruelty and selfishness of my actions that I haven't already thought and said a million times, to my BS and everyone else.

 

I'm just answering the question posed by Shattered Lady. And yes, I think there are degrees of cruelty in an affair. Having one at all is incredibly cruel and wrong. But then mocking intimate details of your BS to each other is a whole nother level of cruelty.

[Birdies]

Birdies,

I really dont see how discussing intimate details can be done with respect?

If it were your H talking about private aspects of your life,wouldnt you feel violated?

If i remember correctly, you and i are in a similar stage-progressing from affair to relationship.

My (A)P discussed very intimate details of their life with me. I cant accept it as a legitimate part of our R and it bothers me that he shared and said these things.

As far as Im concerned, it is part of the total disrespect and lack of boundries that affairs are. It doesnt matter tgat both marriages ended eventually. At the time we were both married and our respective spouses assumed privacy.

 

Yes I don't think anything about an affair is truly "respectful" in any way. It's cruel and selfish and wrong, 10000%.

 

I just meant there's a difference between simply discussing some of the facts of your intimate life - as many people do with their best friends, sisters, therapists, etc - and full-on mocking their spouse's sexual behavior or genitalia, as Shattered Lady was asking about.

[Lillyp32]

Duh. I'm the first to admit it. Literally. Read my post. "Respect in an affair is a complete oxymoron."

 

Trust me, you or no one else can tell me anything about the absolute cruelty and selfishness of my actions that I haven't already thought and said a million times, to my BS and everyone else.

 

I'm just answering the question posed by Shattered Lady. And yes, I think there are degrees of cruelty in an affair. Having one at all is incredibly cruel and wrong. But then mocking intimate details of your BS to each other is a whole nother level of cruelty.

 

Yes I don't think anything about an affair is truly "respectful" in any way. It's cruel and selfish and wrong, 10000%.

 

I just meant there's a difference between simply discussing some of the facts of your intimate life - as many people do with their best friends, sisters, therapists, etc - and full-on mocking their spouse's sexual behavior, as Shattered Lady was asking about.

 

I completely agree and couldn't have said it any better!

[DKT3]

Duh. I'm the first to admit it. Literally. Read my post. "Respect in an affair is a complete oxymoron."

 

Trust me, you or no one else can tell me anything about the absolute cruelty and selfishness of my actions that I haven't already thought and said a million times, to my BS and everyone else.

 

I'm just answering the question posed by Shattered Lady. And yes, I think there are degrees of cruelty in an affair. Having one at all is incredibly cruel and wrong. But then mocking intimate details of your BS to each other is a whole nother level of cruelty.

 

That's all great and everything, buuuutttt, the view from the other side of the fence all looks the same.

 

Now me personally, I understand that pillow talk between AP's is mostly reinforcement of poor behavior and make believe. In a sense telling them more of what you think that want to hear. Men are much better at this then women.

 

My point was in doing the act it shows in actions what your thoughts are about your husband and marriage, verbalizing it doesn't make it worse. To be appalled by someone who basically voiced what your showing doesn't make your actions without words better.

 

But I get it, we all hold on to things that make us feel better about doing crappy things to people.

[Birdies]

That's all great and everything, buuuutttt, the view from the other side of the fence all looks the same.

 

Now me personally, I understand that pillow talk between AP's is mostly reinforcement of poor behavior and make believe. In a sense telling them more of what you think that want to hear. Men are much better at this then women.

 

My point was in doing the act it shows in actions what your thoughts are about your husband and marriage, verbalizing it doesn't make it worse. To be appalled by someone who basically voiced what your showing doesn't make your actions without words better.

 

But I get it, we all hold on to things that make us feel better about doing crappy things to people.

 

Have you read this thread? Do you understand the question I was answering? I was responding to someone else whose husband cruelly mocked her genitalia and scarring from a surgery to his AP. I think we can all agree that that is wrong and despicable. The fact that I cheated on my husband does not automatically disqualify me from pointing out any other form of cruelty. And in what world does having an affair equate to mocking your spouse's genitalia or mocking other details of their sexual behavior, as your comment suggests? Those two things are not equal.

 

Look dude, I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you, and I'm sorry that affairs happen ever, and I'm sorry that I engaged in one. Like I've said, it was cruel and wrong and I hate myself for it every day. Likewise, I don't see anyone else here in this forum gloating about how great affairs are. So I'm not sure why you're posting on the OM/W forum telling us all exactly what we already know.

 

I wonder if you've fully healed from your wife's affair, based on how triggered you seem to be by the simple acknowledgement of the existence of extra marital affairs, in a place where the very forum description describes just that (The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.)

 

Anyway, take care. I'm not interested in this back and forth anymore.

Edited October 13, 2016 by Birdies

[Chica80]

Have you read this thread? Do you understand the question I was answering? I was responding to someone else whose husband cruelly mocked her genitalia and scarring from a surgery to his AP. I think we can all agree that that is wrong and despicable. The fact that I cheated on my husband does not automatically disqualify me from pointing out any other form of cruelty. And in what world does having an affair equate to mocking your spouse's genitalia or mocking other details of their sexual behavior, as your comment suggests? Those two things are not equal.

 

Look dude, I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you, and I'm sorry that affairs happen ever, and I'm sorry that I engaged in one. Like I've said, it was cruel and wrong and I hate myself for it every day. Likewise, I don't see anyone else here in this forum gloating about how great affairs are. So I'm not sure why you're posting on the OM/W forum telling us all exactly what we already know.

 

I wonder if you've fully healed from your wife's affair, based on how triggered you seem to be by the simple acknowledgement of the existence of extra marital affairs, in a place where the very forum description describes just that (The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.)

 

Anyway, take care. I'm not interested in this back and forth anymore.

 

Yes..... agree with all of above :D

[Chica80]

How many 'affair couples' bonded over mocking the BS, honestly? How long he lasted, what she looked like naked? The sounds they made? How often they could 'get it up', how inconsiderate lovers they were? How saggy were her boobs after baby feeding?

 

Reading that an OW knew what the BS's vagina looked like triggered me. I bet he didn't say it was a 'beautiful flower'.

 

 

One of my rules in life is....If you ever know someone intimately enough to know where to hit to hurt them most it's only decent to NEVER say that thing.

 

No...never!!

I didn't talk to AP about xH at all in this context. I talked how I was more sexual than x, how I always felt I had to come onto him make the effort except. Only to get turned down at times. That's as far as I talked about x in this capacity.

 

I do and did talk to AP about sexual experiences stories etc...(minus x).

 

AP has never talked about wife at all. Especially never about sex. I don't want to know. I don't ask. What he has said (before marriage) I love her. She is kind and generous. That's it. We don't talk about his home life. Ever. Only once in the past year did he mention something about arguing a lot. That was it.

Edited October 13, 2016 by Sunshinechica