Did you/ your AP discuss sex life with spouse? How did you feel about it?

[DKT3]

Have you read this thread? Do you understand the question I was answering? I was responding to someone else whose husband cruelly mocked her genitalia and scarring from a surgery to his AP. I think we can all agree that that is wrong and despicable. The fact that I cheated on my husband does not automatically disqualify me from pointing out any other form of cruelty. And in what world does having an affair equate to mocking your spouse's genitalia or mocking other details of their sexual behavior, as your comment suggests? Those two things are not equal.

 

Look dude, I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you, and I'm sorry that affairs happen ever, and I'm sorry that I engaged in one. Like I've said, it was cruel and wrong and I hate myself for it every day. Likewise, I don't see anyone else here in this forum gloating about how great affairs are. So I'm not sure why you're posting on the OM/W forum telling us all exactly what we already know.

 

I wonder if you've fully healed from your wife's affair, based on how triggered you seem to be by the simple acknowledgement of the existence of extra marital affairs, in a place where the very forum description describes just that (The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.)

 

Anyway, take care. I'm not interested in this back and forth anymore.

When I was 7 I made some wings from cardboard and used my fathers neckties to fix them on my arms. My younger brother came out and asked me to make him some. I did. I climb to the top of the house, he followed. Once up there I said, I bet I can go from here to the shed next thing I knew my little brother dartted past me and then splat. Two broken arms and a gash that runs from the left side of his forehead to his right ear. For a long time I made myself feel better about the incident because i never told him to do it.

 

Some 20 years later when he was deciding on where to go to medical school he came to me. I laid out the pros and cons. Ultimately he chose the one I said. It dawned on me this was because he trusted me as his older brother to lead him, to set an example, his trust was blind. It was then what I had done some 20 years back really hit her me hard. He jumped because he believed in me. Not telling him to didn't change the fact that not for me he wouldn't have done it, doesn't take that scare away.

 

My point is poor behavior is poor behavior, just because you didn't talk poorly about any defects your husband may have does set you apart. It the hypocrisy of it all.

 

I don't trigger here because none of you are married to me. I read the stories and state my opinion on what I've read, no more no less.

 

Flawed logic to think some heals from this level of betrayal, you never really heal. You can accept that it happened and choose to move forward with this person or not. Either way it's a life sentence, it's something that will away impact your life in this relationship or the next. Infidelity changes people at the core, no going around that.

 

I post here because for every five people I piss off I help one.isnt that why we are all here? To help and be helped?

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry guys it's my question which has started this. It's a discussion not a moral judgement.

 

Thank you for answering. I asked for 2 reasons...1 being my own painful experiences & 2 is the movie "Closer" (Jude Law, Julia Roberts etc) on the subject of relationships, infidelity etc... (huge trigger!!) Is sharing secrets part of being 'closer', part of intimacy? It was up for oscars, I bet many have watched it.

Edited October 13, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Chica80]

Sorry guys it's my question which has started this. It's a discussion not a moral judgement.

 

Thank you for answering. I asked for 2 reasons...1 being my own painful experiences & 2 is the movie "Closer" (Jude Law, Julia Roberts etc) on the subject of relationships, infidelity etc... (huge trigger!!) Is sharing secrets part of being 'closer', part of intimacy? It was up for oscars, I bet many have watched it.

SL...I saw that movie.

Yes I share with AP. I share everything in my life, work my goals dreams, my issues with x, my fears my past experiences, past traumas.....but as far as actual details (sexual physical) w xH. No.

 

He ultimately is not a very emotional feely sharing type of person. He does share a lot, but this has been over time... But not that.

 

Not that I think A are justified, or ever ok. Many do it for different reasons. But the things you have shared about your H are especially traumatic. To have read yourself and know that he could say this.

 

Lets just pretend.. he had this A because you were sick, he couldn't cope, he "needed" affection or maybe was scared to lose you. But that in no means explains why he would be so cruel as to demean or say these things about you. That is just beyond selfish. So the only way he could "attract" someone build "false intimacy" with someone is by putting someone else down. By being cruel? Do you see this aspect in other forms of your relationship?

[OneLov]

I think there's a difference between "tough love" and invalidation. The key distinguishing factor is that love presumes empathy. "Tough love" requires a person to take responsibility for his/her actions to promote personal well-being, but it also demonstrates a level of empathy by validating that a person has been hurt. Invalidation shames a person to take responsibility for any and all actions that relate to the person's original wrongful act. Basically, it's A cannot feel wronged by C because A wronged B.

[DKT3]

I think there's a difference between "tough love" and invalidation. The key distinguishing factor is that love presumes empathy. "Tough love" requires a person to take responsibility for his/her actions to promote personal well-being, but it also demonstrates a level of empathy by validating that a person has been hurt. Invalidation shames a person to take responsibility for any and all actions that relate to the person's original wrongful act. Basically, it's A cannot feel wronged by C because A wronged B.

 

That's not what I'm getting at. My point is A isn't any better then c because of semantics. Some small variance in A's mind doesn't give them moral superiority over c. It's sometime sad that one is more empathic to the pain of others then they are to those they themselves have hurt.

 

If you steal money your no better then someone that steals money and gloats about how stupid the victim was.

[OneLov]

That's not what I'm getting at. My point is A isn't any better then c because of semantics. Some small variance in A's mind doesn't give them moral superiority over c. It's sometime sad that one is more empathic to the pain of others then they are to those they themselves have hurt.

 

If you steal money your no better then someone that steals money and gloats about how stupid the victim was.

 

Using larceny as an example, our law distinguishes between A and C in relation to B. C would be charged with the higher crime of embezzlement because C was in a position of trust. A would only be charged with larceny because he/she was never in a position of trust.

 

The act is no different only the duty owed to B.

 

I'm saying that just because someone committed a wrong doesn't disqualify his/her agrievement of a wrong being perpetrated against him/herself or that the wrongful acts are equal.

 

I think the book/film Gone Girl illustrates this theme well. We can be both perpetrators and victims. It's only a matter of which side of the fence you're looking from.

Edited October 13, 2016 by OneLov

[Birdies]

Sorry guys it's my question which has started this. It's a discussion not a moral judgement.

 

Thank you for answering. I asked for 2 reasons...1 being my own painful experiences & 2 is the movie "Closer" (Jude Law, Julia Roberts etc) on the subject of relationships, infidelity etc... (huge trigger!!) Is sharing secrets part of being 'closer', part of intimacy? It was up for oscars, I bet many have watched it.

 

Nothing to apologize for - it was a very valid question. Despite the distractions in this thread, I just wanted to reiterate my basic point that I think what your spouse said about you was cruelly rubbing salt in the wound of the already-painful affair, and that kind of cruelty is not necessarily part of the "normal" affair experience

 

In general, yes, sharing secrets is definitely part of the intimacy of an affair. Mine started with bonding with someone over our respective marriage problems. Neither of us felt we really had anyone else to talk to about it, in a misguided effort to protect our respective spouses by not talking about our problems with family / friends. That sharing creates emotional intimacy, and then if you choose to take the easy selfish wrong path, it can snowball into physical intimacy.

 

However, if my AP had ever said anything about his wife that was as cruel as your husband said, I would have been appalled and disgusted. I know that sounds hypocritical coming from a cheater, and I completely accept that. Nonetheless, it's true.

[DKT3]

Using larceny as an example, our law distinguishes between A and C in relation to B. C would be charged with the higher crime of embezzlement because C was in a position of trust. A would only be charged with larceny because he/she was never in a position of trust.

 

The act is no different only the duty owed to B.

 

I'm saying that just because someone committed a wrong doesn't disqualify his/her agrievement of a wrong being perpetrated against him/herself or that the wrongful acts are equal.

 

I think the book/film Gone Girl illustrates this theme well. We can be both perpetrators and victims. It's only a matter of which side of the fence you're looking from.

 

Makes no sense but ok

[cocorico]

How many 'affair couples' bonded over mocking the BS, honestly? How long he lasted, what she looked like naked? The sounds they made? How often they could 'get it up', how inconsiderate lovers they were? How saggy were her boobs after baby feeding?

 

Reading that an OW knew what the BS's vagina looked like triggered me. I bet he didn't say it was a 'beautiful flower'.

 

 

One of my rules in life is....If you ever know someone intimately enough to know where to hit to hurt them most it's only decent to NEVER say that thing.

 

My xH used to tell me things like that about his xW (whom I knew) and it appalled me. I've no doubt he's gone on to tell subsequent GFs things like that about me. And, given that I know some of them (and they me) they no doubt also struggle to unknow stuff they wish they'd never been told.

 

IME, it doesn't increase intimacy, it threatens it. Knowing he had no compunction telling me stuff like that about his xW made me wary of trusting him, wary of sharing vulnerability. I held back considerably with him.

 

With my current H, it's been the opposite. He's shown himself to be loyal, trustworthy, a man of integrity. I relax around him in a way I never could with my xH. We share intimacy on a deep level.

 

There is so much to bond over - things you love, things you hope for, things you dream of. Why bond over something negative?

[Jemima1234]

Ok can I draw this back to my original question! Thanks for the answers to it

 

To those of you who had sex with spouse and affair partner -

Was it different? Did you feel more attraction to affair partner? Is it possible to have sex with spouse but not really want to? Did it change things with spouse?

 

Sorry for the questions - I am trying to work my way through this all! Now my affair is definitely over!! My AP says he would have to make a choice to have sex with spouse- eh??? Surely that's a lie- he can't have sex with her unless desires her surely?!

 

Horrible subject I know!!!

[Chica80]

Ok can I draw this back to my original question! Thanks for the answers to it

 

To those of you who had sex with spouse and affair partner -

Was it different? Did you feel more attraction to affair partner? Is it possible to have sex with spouse but not really want to? Did it change things with spouse?

 

Sorry for the questions - I am trying to work my way through this all! Now my affair is definitely over!! My AP says he would have to make a choice to have sex with spouse- eh??? Surely that's a lie- he can't have sex with her unless desires her surely?!

 

Horrible subject I know!!!

 

After AP and I made out the first time. (Not full intercourse) I had sex w xH once. It was awful as I felt so guilty lying after what had occurred. I did not enjoy it. Could not enjoy it. Also we had been fighting all week long and I was over it.

 

After that only AP.

 

I assume he has sex w his wife. As they were newly married. So would be ridiculous to think he doesn't. But I don't ask and I don't want to know.

 

My emotions and sex are tied together. As many women's are. Not so for men. Sex is sex, they can still have it even with someone they don't like very much.

[imperfectangel]

I don't think all men can, some but not all.

 

I ended my affair as I couldn't stand the thought of him being with his wife. I know that's ridiculous me feeling disgusted at the thought of her touching her own husband but that's how I felt. I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to share him.

[Lillyp32]

I don't think all men can, some but not all.

 

I ended my affair as I couldn't stand the thought of him being with his wife. I know that's ridiculous me feeling disgusted at the thought of her touching her own husband but that's how I felt. I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to share him.

 

It's crazy the feeling that A's bring out in us isn't it? I felt the same way towards the end. I had a lot of jealousy and resentment towards his wife which was completely unreasonable. It's part of why I tried walking away a couple weeks before dday. We had a talk about it and he said that he was feeling those same irrational feelings towards my H.