Flirting with Fire - My Long Story

[Sharona21]

I am married for 25 years. I am new here and writing for opinions about my recent experience.

 

I help out with lunch/recess at my child's school. For 2.5 months, OM and I started talking every week. We saw each other at other school activities, where we made sure we were right next to each other. In May, we talked only to each other, despite other parents being there. When OM's wife was around, he did not talk to me or say hi. When his wife left, then he would approach me and begin a conversation. This happened several times. When she was there, I was ignored. When she was gone, I appeared. I thought this was weird. OM doesn't wear a ring. OM is not on FB (Facebook), but wife is. I asked OM how long he was married and he said 9 years, but according to wife's FB, it is 6. He lied. This is 2nd marriage for both.

 

Before the end of school year in June, I started to pay more attention to how I looked and anticipated seeing him on Thursdays for 1.5 hours. During our talks, he was always smiling and had lots of eye contact with me. We laughed a lot and I felt very comfortable with him and he made me feel great. We were always turned towards each other when talking, and I felt the space between us was getting smaller. During summer vacation, I did not see him, but I started to think about him. I thought the absence would erase any feelings I had.

 

When school started again in September, we picked up where we left off. At the school assembly, I was sitting at a table in front of the audience, and when they came in, he sat directly in front of me. I had to remove my glasses in order not to stare at him for 40 minutes. After seeing him again, I felt so revitalized and happy. He told me that he might get a job and not be around at lunchroom. I told him that I would miss him and didn't want to see him go. That day, we went back inside and talked for another 20 minutes. After we left, I felt high and it carried me to the next week. During that week though, I thought about him every day and yearned to be with him. I began to withdraw from my family so I could focus on him. I knew this wasn't right and I clearly had developed feelings for him. So the next week, I decided to talk to him alone because this flirting couldn't continue. As soon as he arrived, we walked towards each other. I felt drawn like a magnet. He was like a warm mesmerizing fire, drawing me in, but I knew that I was getting too close to the heat, and it was only a matter of time until I would trip and get burned.

 

During recess, I was very nervous when I asked him if he had plans afterwards and if he wanted to go for a ride in my muscle car. He laughed and then said sure I can do that. About 10 minutes later, he "remembered" that he had errands to do and call his wife.

Just before recess was over, he patted my shoulder and I returned the gesture. A few minutes later, he did it again and so did I. We had not touched each other before.

A bit later, he said he had to go shopping and could it be another time and I said, no, I asked you because I really need to talk to you. On the way, I asked him if he had any idea what I wanted to talk about. He said no clue. Really??

 

So we sat in my car for 10 min and I told him that I was scared because I was thinking about him and not my husband, and that I didn't want to step over the line. I told him I was attracted to him and that he was handsome. From there, he said he didn't want to be a home-wrecker and put his kid through a divorce. He said he and his wife argue a lot but that he wasn't gonna give up and try to work it out.

I agreed. He asked if I felt better and I said yes. Then I asked him if he still wanted to go for a ride or not. We went for a ride, talking on the way. I put More than A Feeling on the stereo. I liked that we were alone together. If he would have felt that uncomfortable, he would have left after the talk.

 

When we got back to school, we sat for about 5 min more. He said that I could talk to him anytime and we will still be friends like we have been and it won't be weird between us. I said I will have to think about it. Before he left the car, we looked at each other and I thought, OMG, I want to kiss him so much, but then the next thought was, don't do it, it's the beginning of the end. I didn't do anything and he left.

 

I haven't seen him since, about a month now. I think he got that job, but I don't think it's right to ask his wife about it. I feel very strongly that if I wouldn't have made a move to stop this, it would have continued and my self control would have dwindled.

In retrospect, I love my husband very much and I don't want to hurt him. We have been through too much together to throw it all away. I think what happened is that my husband was dealing with his dad's passing by giving all of his attention to the TV and not any to me. This OM gave me his undivided attention, gave me confidence, made me laugh, and made me feel attractive.

 

I have talked to my husband about this, back in May, and again recently. I told him what was missing and that I needed to feel his attention for me. As the days pass, OM is fading from my thoughts and I am focusing my energy on my husband and not on someone else I hardly know. My husband feels a little betrayed, but he gives me credit for having the guts to stop it, and as long as it wasn't physical, then learn from it and move on.

 

From reading posts here, I wonder if OM was trying to get into a physical relationship with me by appealing to my emotions or if he was just being a nice outgoing guy. Thank you for listening. I welcome any opinions or questions you have.

[spideywoman]

Kudos to you for nipping it in the bud before it got real ugly and also for being honest with your husband. Keep focusing on that. My gut sense was that he was open to something more, not necessarily looking. The fact that he lied about how long he was married (whhaaattt?!) right at the beginning when there was nothing going on is a red flag. Him suddenly remembering he needed to be somewhere or having to talk to his wife on the phone, etc., indicates that on some level he felt that he / you might be about to embark on something; it shows willingness, or at least shows that the thought of it was present one way or another. I'm not one of those people who believe all men are evil, all men are pricks, all men are whatever _ the majority are great. It's possible he was just being a "nice guy" but it feels there was some sort of desire to jump into the abyss, as it were.

 

Now I feel a bit bad having written the above because _ why are you thinking about him? Better yet, why are you interested in knowing what others think _ enough to post here? You have very likely dodged a bullet. Of course we all go down memory lane sometimes but is there something more? I don't want what I said above to encourage you to inquire as to his whereabouts and definitely don't ask his wife. Not worth it.

[Sharona21]

I have never experienced this before. Honestly I felt like an infatuated teenager. I hope to get a few male responses so that I can better understand what his motives might have been. It's not possible to be friends, especially when one talks about attraction.

[Chica80]

I think he is interested in something definitely.

But he is trying not to. That's what it sounds like.

 

My advice stay away!!! It will ruin everything. You your marriage and his. Children involved.

 

Get into IC. And MC. ASAP

 

Affairs are never cut and dry. Black and white. You need to stop thinking about his motives. And learn more about yours. What are you missing, what are you lacking that draws you to this man?

[BuddyX]

Agree with Sun. IC and MC is a must. Tell your hubby again of your unhappiness. After that, it's up to him to change.

 

But to go over what you said. You were practically begging for an affair. If it's not this guy, it will be another. If you fell out of love with your husband, that's ok. Just let him know.

 

But prettying yourself for an OM is a big NO NO. The time you spend on the OM you could be spending to improve you and your marriage.

 

Go NC asap

[BluesPower]

Well I am glad you stopped. I am both a BS and serial WS.

 

I can tell you exactly what was going on. He want to get into your pants. If you had fallen for it, he would have used you for sex, until it was no longer fun and discarded you.

 

You do not ever, ever want to go there. Men like him are expert at spotting women whose husbands are not paying enough attention to them and going in for the kill. I am/was such a man.

 

You really need to talk with your husband about your honest needs for attention, sex, the type of sex that you want in detail, romance just all of it.

 

If he is smart he will realize that he dodged a bullet this time on his end and he will get it together.

 

On your end, you need to figure out what is up with you and what you want in life. It is not your husbands fault that you got this close to an affair. You have to take responsibility for your behavior and figure out what made you do it.

 

You really need to trust that I am telling you the truth about this. I have hurt a lot of women just like you in the past.

 

Stay strong and fix your marriage...

[Friskyone4u]

Sharona,

 

First of all, congratulations on being honest with your husband. You just dodged a major bullet, and if you had not said anything your husband would be clueless as to what almost happened.

 

Now for the male motive part. Men enter inappropriate relationships with other women for SEX. For women it starts out usually EXACTLY the way you did, for emotional fulfillment of a need for attention and ego kibbles. The sex then becomes the price of admission.

 

I suggest you read a book called "Not Just Friends". Kind of one of the "Bibles" of how infidelity starts and develops. Remember, probably 90% of people who wind up in affairs never thought it would happen with them. And most affairs are not pick ups with strangers, but rather with people who you know, and the workplace is now the incubator of infidelity in todays world because you spend more time there sometimes than with your spouse.

 

Too many times, the betrayed partner tries to make the OM/OW out to be some kind of super predator because they are in denial of what their spouse has done and want someone else to blame. Now you really need to make sure that if the OM contacts you for "coffee" that you do not get together for a "closure" meeting because he is such a "nice" guy. he was headed to be in your pants and I hope you are smart enough to realize that.

 

So the moral of the story is men generally do not pursue relationships with married women because they are just caring sweet souls. I hope this experience has taught you something and you do not do it again. You apparently have escaped a disaster because you have good character and integrity.

 

I think if you read that book you will thoroughly understand what men think.

[Hummingbird17]

Are you thinking he lied because she said it's only been 6 years on FB? I know a lot of people who didn't put that they were married or whatever until a lot later so it looks like they got married on a certain date but that's not the true date of the marriage, just when they added it.

 

Secondly, I am glad you put a stop to this and I hope you will focus on your family.

 

It doesn't sound like to me he wanted an affair. Sounds like he enjoyed the flirting but had no desire to take it further.

[DKT3]

Are you thinking he lied because she said it's only been 6 years on FB? I know a lot of people who didn't put that they were married or whatever until a lot later so it looks like they got married on a certain date but that's not the true date of the marriage, just when they added it.

 

Secondly, I am glad you put a stop to this and I hope you will focus on your family.

 

It doesn't sound like to me he wanted an affair. Sounds like he enjoyed the flirting but had no desire to take it further.

 

I doubt may women actually WANT to have affairs, specially those married. However seeking the attention, gratification and giddy highschool girl feelings lead to giving up her body to maintain that connection.

 

Once headed in that direction few stop before it gets physical. But honestly, does it really matter? Still damaging.

 

Good AP showed some control and didn't allow herself to be swept away totally.

[malvern99]

I have never experienced this before. Honestly I felt like an infatuated teenager. I hope to get a few male responses so that I can better understand what his motives might have been. It's not possible to be friends, especially when one talks about attraction.

 

No one can definitively tell you what he wanted. What he wanted isn't really important in the bigger picture anyway. What you wanted though is important for you to understand. Without that understanding why you wanted it and were contemplating seeking it from another man, you will leave yourself vulnerable to something like this again in the future.

 

Good on you for putting the brakes on before you crossed the line of no return, and for confiding in your husband. You just need to put the work in now for finding out your whys, because honestly, your husband not giving you what you need is not a valid reason for sliding into an affair. Nothing justifies affairs. They are more destructive than you could ever imagine. Good luck OP.

[Sharona21]

Thanks for your replies. They are helping. I am starting to read the book that was suggested. I think it will help quite a bit.

 

I remembered yet another quirk of this and it was that the OM never could remember my name. A few times, his wife even asked me what is was. She would say, my husband asked me to ask you what your name is. I have never met anyone who could not remember it, like ever. I totally don't get that.

 

I have begun to really look at myself to figure out why this happened. I am very thankful that I had enough integrity to stop it. I am in NC mode, but there are several school events that are approaching where OM will be there. I plan to ignore him because my view of him has changed a lot.

[malvern99]

I am in NC mode, but there are several school events that are approaching where OM will be there. I plan to ignore him because my view of him has changed a lot.

 

I would recommend skipping those events altogether if you can. They can't be as important as your integrity or your marriage. It's easy to resolve to do xyz in certain situations, but when you are actually in it, you don't know how you will react. Good luck.

[road]

Thanks for your replies. They are helping. I am starting to read the book that was suggested. I think it will help quite a bit.

 

I remembered yet another quirk of this and it was that the OM never could remember my name. A few times, his wife even asked me what is was. She would say, my husband asked me to ask you what your name is. I have never met anyone who could not remember it, like ever. I totally don't get that.

 

I have begun to really look at myself to figure out why this happened. I am very thankful that I had enough integrity to stop it. I am in NC mode, but there are several school events that are approaching where OM will be there. I plan to ignore him because my view of him has changed a lot.

 

No you did not have the integrity to stop it.

 

 

Rather the OM lacked enough integrity to flirt way too much with you but the OM had enough integrity to stop it from crossing the line.

 

 

You were just an ego boost to help boring time go by.

 

 

You dodged a bullet. Which is good. Though have you learnt to never stand in front a barrel again? Which is better.

[Sharona21]

It is inevitable that I will see OM at school events. I could simply not go, but I am on the Home & School board, so I am expected to help out. There is a dance coming up in 2 weeks. I mentioned it to my husband and I think it would be a good idea if we went together. I feel vulnerable and having him there as a protector would help.

 

If OM is there with the family, his comments to me will be minimal. I don't know if I should ignore hm completely or just say hi. I am scared that I will see him and the drug will have its effect on me again.

 

Thanks.

[road]

It is inevitable that I will see OM at school events. I could simply not go, but I am on the Home & School board, so I am expected to help out. There is a dance coming up in 2 weeks. I mentioned it to my husband and I think it would be a good idea if we went together. I feel vulnerable and having him there as a protector would help.

 

If OM is there with the family, his comments to me will be minimal. I don't know if I should ignore hm completely or just say hi. I am scared that I will see him and the drug will have its effect on me again.

 

Thanks.

 

Ignore, do not acknowledge OM in any way and you must bring your BH.

[malvern99]

It is inevitable that I will see OM at school events. I could simply not go, but I am on the Home & School board, so I am expected to help out. There is a dance coming up in 2 weeks. I mentioned it to my husband and I think it would be a good idea if we went together. I feel vulnerable and having him there as a protector would help.

 

If OM is there with the family, his comments to me will be minimal. I don't know if I should ignore hm completely or just say hi. I am scared that I will see him and the drug will have its effect on me again.

 

Thanks.

 

It boils down to this Sharona. You need to prioritize. Figure out for yourself what is more important to you. You marriage, or your obligations to the Home & School board. Then act accordingly. If the answer is your 25 year marriage, then you know you have to do everything in your power to never associate with the other man again. He is a threat to your marriage, and hanging around him in whatever capacity will likely lead to you burning your marriage to the ground.

 

Asking your husband to go with you is a terrible idea in my opinion. Walk a mile in his shoes. Would you feel safe and secure in your marriage if your husband asked you to accompany him to an event because there was a woman there he could not control himself around? I'll go out on a limb and say the answer is no. If that is the case, why would putting your husband in that position be acceptable? Imagine what it would do to your self esteem. Good luck.

[Sharona21]

This said to me by MM before any line was crossed.....

I don't want to be a homewrecker.

 

This is what I was hoping he would say.....

I don't want to cheat on my wife.

 

Do these mean the same thing or not?

 

Just something bugging my brain today. Thanks.

[ChickiePops]

To me it sounds like he's saying he will cheat on his wife but he won't leave her for you.

 

If you wanted him to say no then why did you enter into the affair in the first place?

[Sharona21]

I stopped it from getting to that stage. Thanks!

[Forever broken]

This said to me by MM before any line was crossed.....

I don't want to be a homewrecker.

 

This is what I was hoping he would say.....

I don't want to cheat on my wife.

 

Do these mean the same thing or not?

 

Just something bugging my brain today. Thanks.

 

 

 

To me the two are certainly the same because they are all disastrous at the end.

[ChickiePops]

I stopped it from getting to that stage. Thanks!

 

Way to go!! You saved yourself and others a lot of pain and heartache.

[Friskyone4u]

Sharona,

 

Very few men even contemplate leaving their wife to cheat. And they maintain that position when they are doing it.

 

They cheat because they want sex. Unfortunately, too many women translate the compliments and ego kibbles as something they are not.

[Sharona21]

I would like to send this letter to MOM, either by email or regular mail. My personal address and email address would not be used. What do you all think? Thanks.

 

 

MOM,

 

I always had so many questions for you.

Did you find another married woman to become friends with or are you still holding out for the one who is writing this letter?

I hope your answer is no to both.

 

Fortunately I have learned a lot from our friendship. One very important lesson is that I need to guard my marriage ever so closely and set appropriate boundaries, so that you or someone else like you, won't ever cross them again. I was foolish enough to think that another married person would not f*** with my marriage, but I was so very sadly mistaken.

 

From the day we started talking and up until our final contact, you were a threat to my marriage. Initially, I did not see you as that. You were just a nice, friendly guy who made me laugh and listened so attentively. A little flirting won't hurt. So much eye contact combined with so many smiles were literally hundreds of threats. You flirted and I reciprocated until the connection became magnetic and provided a delusional high. Shame on you for initiating a friendship with me. Shame on me for letting you.

 

Why do you think I asked you to go for a ride? I wanted to know what your intentions were. How much of a push did you need to stray? You are not the only manipulator here. I wanted you to say, "sorry I'm not interested." Later when you were committed to going, you tried to get out of it with excuses and I just had to keep at it until you gave in. After I was done talking, i asked if you wanted to leave. I gave you an out but you remained. I suppose after you thought about what I said, it would be good for your game to tell me how important it was that we stay friends. This response is actually what all married men say to their potential affair partner.

 

How long you married? What was that, 9 years you said. Wow, that's an inverted 6, which is really what it is. Yes, I think your wife would agree. I really don't think that she would lie about her wedding day of January 18, 2010. It's rather sad that you had to. It's a damn shame that you didn't mention that you were divorced once already. These 2 facts alone might have tarnished my perception of you.

 

I was deceptive as well. Did you really believe that someone married for 25 years would be so fatally attracted to you? If you did, then your ego trumps your integrity. All of the other "feelings" I shared with you were false. I was curious what your response would be because usually when a married man becomes friends with a married woman, he hopes that his charm will be so enticing and mesmerizing, that eventually the woman will develop an emotional attachment and then from there, it's so much easier for him to become involved in a physical affair as well. I was testing you and obviously you failed.

 

I wonder how many others played your game and how many eventually crossed the line. I actually feel badly for your wife because she has such a jerk for a husband. I am beyond thankful that I had enough sense to put a stop to this. I dodged a bullet, yes, but I was standing right in front of the damn barrel.

 

Never again. Can you say the same? For your wife and daughter's sake, I hope you can.

 

MOW

[Friskyone4u]

What are you trying to prove.

 

He will know its from you and try to initiate contact again. Is that what you really want.

 

You wrote the letter. Use it as a vent and stay the hell away from him.

 

Whats the upside???

[HeCantBreakMe]

I think you are in the "bargaining" stage of grief. Telling yourself that by sending this you will feel better, get him to rethink who he is, etc. when in reality it is just a way for you to make contact. Even the littlest form of contact whether a smoke signal or actual contact provides a quick relief.

 

Don't send this. Posting here- yes! But sending- NO NO NO NO NO!

 

No Contact = Love for everyone remember this.