Flirting with Fire - My Long Story

[carhill]

Back in the day I used to be all big and serious about this letter writing stuff and getting it all out there.

 

I didn't exactly use the content offered here but sent a similar letter to one OW's husband and lncluded all her love letters and cards with it. For me, that worked, for awhile anyway, at 'finishing business'. However, time would educate that finishing business occurs within one's own psyche and not from any letters one pens.

 

What's your goal here, OP? Apparently, you're married. As example, is your goal to create a clear demarcation ending your affair and refocusing on your marriage? Whatever it is, that kind of clarity might assist in opinion on the specifics.

 

I would suggest reflecting a bit before licking the stamp or pressing send. Think it through. Getting input from your spouse could be helpful. Good luck!

[aileD]

You wrote it and got your feelings down on paper.

 

That's great.

 

Actually giving it to him could cause a whole lot of drama and hurt you more.

 

Keep the letter. Burn the letter. Mail it to the North Pole.

 

Just don't give it to him. Ensues you will be taking 20 steps backwards

[OneLov]

Like others have said, why would you attempt to hide your identity because he is going to know who the author is?

 

Best left unsent because, with all due respect, it comes off very bitter and blame shifts to the point that it would lose any possible self-recriminatory effect if read by him. The only thing sending it would likely accomplish is opening a possible window of communication. Is this another test for him?

[malvern99]

Sending this letter is a spectacularly bad idea. It just demonstrates how caught up on this guy you are. However, if you really feel strongly about it, show the letter to your husband before you send it. He also deserves to know that his wife is obsessed with another man.

 

Why do you also blame this man for what he did? It takes 2 to tango, and if as you claim, your marriage is so important to you, there is nothing this man could have done to make you stray. As long as you blame him, you aren't really doing the work on yourself that you need to do to make yourself a safe partner. Good luck.

[DKT3]

I think you are in the "bargaining" stage of grief. Telling yourself that by sending this you will feel better, get him to rethink who he is, etc. when in reality it is just a way for you to make contact. Even the littlest form of contact whether a smoke signal or actual contact provides a quick relief.

 

Don't send this. Posting here- yes! But sending- NO NO NO NO NO!

 

No Contact = Love for everyone remember this.

This is a good point...APs work many angles with the intention being contact. You read it here all the time "ap will be at an event, I can't miss it" or "I work with ap I can't leave my job" or "they are in my circle of friends, if I ignore it would be awkward"

 

Making contact of any kind is usually an attempt to change the situation, or sometime we don't change situations because it's the only viable way to maintain some kind of connection.

 

Don't send the letter, it will only set you back. No movement can be gained if you don't move.

[William]

Folks, please focus on the topical material, the letter, and its impact and relevance to the subject under discussion, the writing to a current or former affair partner. Please do not use derogatory or vulgar language in describing any member or the topic under discussion. This will only result in loss of posting privileges and/or membership. Thanks!

[heartwhole]

I'm not always against sending a letter to accomplish closure, but if you do, I would try to limit it to a few sentences maximum. I don't think that spending a lot of time explaining why your actions were OK but his actions were not OK paints you in a good light. I'd simply say that you were hurt by his actions and that you are sorry for the pain caused to everyone involved, and that going forward you will have much better boundaries and hope that he will too. But spending a lot of time trying to spin your interactions as being his fault or totally false on your end when you both willingly participated seems like it will only make him think, "Um, you're crazy" and not even get your point.

 

Of course, not sending it would probably be better. You will probably find yourself in a different place a month from now, six months from now, and so on.

 

It sounds to me like you feel used and powerless and you want your power back. That's a worthy goal but in the end, I don't think you need him to receive a message or send one back to accomplish that. That will come from accepting your participation in the affair and figuring out why you liked the woman he saw you as in that moment.

[Sharona21]

Thanks for your opinions and to all who have shared their stories.

 

I do not want to make contact. I will most likely share it with my SO. And as for the letter itself, it will be going to the Twilight Zone.

 

FYI -- this never became a full blown affair because I stopped it before it got to that point. I have learned a lot from my experience.

[Friskyone4u]

It sounds like you have learned a lot.

 

You might want to stick around and pass that knowledge on to those not as perceptive as you.

[Forever broken]

Sounds good but why give him the satisfaction that he still has a hold on you? He may or he may not even care. Personally I wouldn't send it.

[Sharona21]

Six weeks ago, I told MM that we can't cross the line and we both agreed we don't want to be home wreckers. I thought our friendship ended then. During that time, a teacher at the school quit because of an affair with another parent. No environment is immune. My SO decided not to go to Halloween Dance. I went with my daughter and was working at the caramel apple table. MM was there with family. MM was hanging out alone in back of gym at least 4 times throughout the night. MM talked to husband of teacher who had affair. I wanted to get info on this, so I approached MM and we talked for 20 minutes. He said that you really have to think about what you do before you get into that I agreed.

 

He got the job I had wondered about and he has told me several times already that he likes working with his hands. I joked that I would give him a hug but it would be inappropriate. He said I don't think BS would like that. We were standing face to face. I asked if I was too close to him and backed away and he said no you are fine. I asked if he had shared our "this has to stop conversation" with BS. He didn't because she didn't need to know and it was between us. He said not to worry about it. He touched my shoulder 3 times. He asked if the attention was better with my SO. I said it's improved a little. He said, aw, a little, I know everyone likes attention. He asked if I would work at the next event and said that he might be in charge of it. His actions are different than his words regarding affairs.

 

I continue to talk with SO about this. I am going next week to IC and then MC because I need to find out why I am letting MM continue this. SO understands the situation now. I know that I am being played by MM. I don't like it and it makes me angry. I don't think that he is trustworthy and yet there is a spark in our interactions.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Satu]

"I stopped it...MM continues game."

 

 

You didn't stop it, and you are both continuing the game.

 

 

Take care.

[JewelD]

You approached him in this particular situation, so what games is he playing exactly? Now if you ignore him or tell him you want to be left alone and he keeps pestering you, that would be a concern, but if you're approaching him after you've agreed you don't want to be home wreckers, you're sending mixed signals. Not him.

[ChickiePops]

I agree with the others. You haven't stopped anything. Approaching him to talk about affairs..wanting him to hug you but joking that it's inappropriate..you are playing with fire.

[Cloudcuckoo]

As the above have all said. You're the one playing games.....

[malvern99]

Six weeks ago, I told MM that we can't cross the line and we both agreed we don't want to be home wreckers. I thought our friendship ended then. During that time, a teacher at the school quit because of an affair with another parent. No environment is immune. My SO decided not to go to Halloween Dance. I went with my daughter and was working at the caramel apple table. MM was there with family. MM was hanging out alone in back of gym at least 4 times throughout the night. MM talked to husband of teacher who had affair. I wanted to get info on this, so I approached MM and we talked for 20 minutes. He said that you really have to think about what you do before you get into that I agreed.

 

He got the job I had wondered about and he has told me several times already that he likes working with his hands. I joked that I would give him a hug but it would be inappropriate. He said I don't think BS would like that. We were standing face to face. I asked if I was too close to him and backed away and he said no you are fine. I asked if he had shared our "this has to stop conversation" with BS. He didn't because she didn't need to know and it was between us. He said not to worry about it. He touched my shoulder 3 times. He asked if the attention was better with my SO. I said it's improved a little. He said, aw, a little, I know everyone likes attention. He asked if I would work at the next event and said that he might be in charge of it. His actions are different than his words regarding affairs.

 

I continue to talk with SO about this. I am going next week to IC and then MC because I need to find out why I am letting MM continue this. SO understands the situation now. I know that I am being played by MM. I don't like it and it makes me angry. I don't think that he is trustworthy and yet there is a spark in our interactions.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Look Sharona. You've been posting here for a while now, and literally everyone has told you to run away from this situation as fast as you can. Clearly nothing anyone is saying here is getting through because you keep playing with fire. You are playing with fire in a house that took you a lifetime to build... unfortunately, it only takes seconds to burn your life's work to the ground, and you are well on the way to doing just that... and for what? To feel like a teenager again? Child please, you are way too mature to be doing that. Think of all the other lives you are and will forever alter. What did they do to you?

 

IC is good for you. You aren't in a place though to even try MC. You are still only thinking about yourself, and MC only works when both parties are invested in the marriage. You clearly aren't. Good luck.

[Satu]

The incident you mentioned, and your interpretation of it, are a textbook case of Psychological Projection.

 

"Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is habitually rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude. It incorporates blame shifting."

 

Source

 

"This involves individuals attributing their own thoughts, feeling and motives to another person. Thoughts most commonly projected onto another are the ones that would cause guilt such as aggressive and sexual fantasies or thoughts. For instance, you might hate someone, but your superego tells you that such hatred is unacceptable. You can 'solve' the problem by believing that they hate you."

 

Source

 

 

The bottom line:

 

You need to own your stuff.

 

 

Take care.

[Sharona21]

Thank you for responding. All of you are right. The comment on taking seconds to burn it to the ground surprised me, but makes sense. My head knows what is going on and how toxic it is and my heart says his eyes look right through me and I cannot look away.

 

This can't be love. I don't know him well enough.

I hope that IC will help.

[Friskyone4u]

Sharona,

 

You can go to IC for years and it does not change the fact that you are going to have to stop this by yourself.

 

You are stilll seeking ego kibbles and your IC is a waste of time if you go anywhere near this event that he is :hosting".

 

He is going to pursue you as long as he thinks he can get laid or has any chance to. Read that again and I hope it sinks in.

 

You need to stop thinking you can be friends with him, or have any communication at all. If you had not stood eye to eye with him you would not have needed to post this last post.

 

You have had the opportunity to get out of this situation unscathed but it appears you are going to keep nibbling until you give in to what he wants. You are smarter than that so act it

[malvern99]

Your story makes me think of an African proverb that fits your situation to a T.

 

A farmer, tired of a monkey eating his crops, cements a thin necked, hollowed out gourd to the ground and puts a generous helping of nuts and shiny things inside the gourd. The monkey comes upon the gourd one day and looks inside it. The nuts and shiny things are too tempting for the monkey to resist, so it puts its hand through the neck of the gourd and grabs a handful. However, when the monkey closes its fist to grab a handful, it discovers that a closed fist is too big to fit through the thin neck of the gourd. So, now, the monkey has a choice. It can either let the nuts and shiny things go and extract its hand from the gourd and go about its day/life, or it can allow its greed and selfishness to blind it to the point that it stays trapped in that position until the farmer gets around to killing it.

 

You are in the same position as that monkey. You have put your hand in the gourd to grab the shiny things, but your fist is now too big to extract from the trap. Just like the monkey, you too have a choice now. Don't allow your greed and selfishness to lead you to your doom (the destruction of everything you have worked so hard to build in your life) like the monkey allows its greed to lead it to its doom. Good luck.

[Sharona21]

Your story makes me think of an African proverb that fits your situation to a T.

 

A farmer, tired of a monkey eating his crops, cements a thin necked, hollowed out gourd to the ground and puts a generous helping of nuts and shiny things inside the gourd. The monkey comes upon the gourd one day and looks inside it. The nuts and shiny things are too tempting for the monkey to resist, so it puts its hand through the neck of the gourd and grabs a handful. However, when the monkey closes its fist to grab a handful, it discovers that a closed fist is too big to fit through the thin neck of the gourd. So, now, the monkey has a choice. It can either let the nuts and shiny things go and extract its hand from the gourd and go about its day/life, or it can allow its greed and selfishness to blind it to the point that it stays trapped in that position until the farmer gets around to killing it.

 

You are in the same position as that monkey. You have put your hand in the gourd to grab the shiny things, but your fist is now too big to extract from the trap. Just like the monkey, you too have a choice now. Don't allow your greed and selfishness to lead you to your doom (the destruction of everything you have worked so hard to build in your life) like the monkey allows its greed to lead it to its doom. Good luck.

 

I have not read the story before. Thank you for posting it here. It absolutely fits this situation.

[ChickiePops]

Thank you for responding. All of you are right. The comment on taking seconds to burn it to the ground surprised me, but makes sense. My head knows what is going on and how toxic it is and my heart says his eyes look right through me and I cannot look away.

 

This can't be love. I don't know him well enough.

I hope that IC will help.

 

You BARELY know this man at all!!! You've spent a couple of hours with him tops, and it's just random flirting.

 

Are you really willing to blow up your entire life and ruin your relationship with your husband and children just to see if you're 'in love' with this random guy you barely know?

[Sharona21]

In the last week, I opened the email communication line. This was never done before. I wanted to get MM's attention so I told him about a potential photography job. (He is a freelance photographer). He replied within a few hours. On Sunday we went back and forth on that. I asked if he wanted to talk about the details in person. I really wanted to know what his intention was from this "friendship". Instead I said that that I was moving the chess pieces around hoping for a checkmate. (The end of this game). He said I know there is no "job" here. He also said that the pieces had to stop moving because his wife was getting suspicious. My reply was "I apologize for my misinterpretation of your actions". His last email was "please don't contact me again."

 

I think on some level I just wanted this to end. I was living from event to event and he drew so much energy from me and away from everything else. I didn't care about much because my focus was always him. Too many tears have been shed for this jerk. Now I can move on from this point.

I was so close to falling off, but as I read his last response, I literally felt like I was yanked from the edge of hell.

 

Today I resigned from lunchroom duty and home and school. I need to disappear and have NC with both of them.

 

I don't think he had any real feelings for me. I was used as a toy and an ego booster. Now I am ready to fully invest myself in my marriage and in my daughter's life and in my family.

 

Thank you all for listening.

[aileD]

In the last week, I opened the email communication line. This was never done before. I wanted to get MM's attention so I told him about a potential photography job. (He is a freelance photographer). He replied within a few hours. On Sunday we went back and forth on that. I asked if he wanted to talk about the details in person. I really wanted to know what his intention was from this "friendship". Instead I said that that I was moving the chess pieces around hoping for a checkmate. (The end of this game). He said I know there is no "job" here. He also said that the pieces had to stop moving because his wife was getting suspicious. My reply was "I apologize for my misinterpretation of your actions". His last email was "please don't contact me again."

 

I think on some level I just wanted this to end. I was living from event to event and he drew so much energy from me and away from everything else. I didn't care about much because my focus was always him. Too many tears have been shed for this jerk. Now I can move on from this point.

I was so close to falling off, but as I read his last response, I literally felt like I was yanked from the edge of hell.

 

Today I resigned from lunchroom duty and home and school. I need to disappear and have NC with both of them.

 

I don't think he had any real feelings for me. I was used as a toy and an ego booster. Now I am ready to fully invest myself in my marriage and in my daughter's life and in my family.

 

Thank you all for listening.

 

Now the time to stand up tall and rediscover your worth.

 

Never settle again. You have so much to offer the right man.

 

I'll pray for your healing.

[sandylee1]

Onwards and upwards from now on. Don't focus on who used who, as it's usually a two way street to some extent.