Having kids out of marriage?!

[Opium]

Last night I was talking to a friend and she gave me the news that she's pregnant. I was surprised and happy at the same time because she's not the type of woman to not take care of herself and she's very responsible. I would say she's been with her bf for about 2 years now and they are a very healthy and stable couple.

 

However, I asked her immediately if she was planning on getting married, eventually, and she said NO!? Her bf has no intentions of getting married now or even in the near future. I asked her how can she be committed to someone who doesn't have a future planned for them and she simply replied, because we love each other and if that's what he wants I can't force it. Her family is not to excited and his family, let's not even get into that one. They just expected more out of them, LIKE TO GET MARRIED FIRST! (Oh they do live together)

 

I was a little confused because I guess now-a-days we are raised to believe we go to school, get our career, have a bf/gf, after some time get married, and raise a family. So, I found it odd for someone like her who always dreamt of getting married to be ok with NOT getting married and having a child.

 

For my question, Is it so bad to have a child out of marriage? If you are happy in your relationship and feel a child can be a blessing and you decide to have one, would it bother you that your spouse has no intentions of marrying you?

I personally would like to get married before I have a child and would find it hard to have a child before then, but I would have it with open arms if that's what God wanted for me. I don't believe in abortions and I wouldn't think of getting one. As I see it, if I was woman enough to open my legs, I'm woman enough to take whatever comes with it.

[Debster]

I think it depends on the person, their inner strength and values.

[Marshbear]

asked her how can she be committed to someone who doesn't have a future planned for them and she simply replied, because we love each other and if that's what he wants I can't force it

 

I think this is the answer to your question, Opium. I think she would really like to get married but she wants to be with him and he is not into marriage so she changed her mind. Most people would want to think that the person is committed to them and marriage is the outlet for that commitment. Our society tells us that marriage is just a piece of paper and the commitment of 2 adults is enough for a committed relationship. This sounds good but you will always wonder if, at the first sign of trouble, is he/she going to bail.

I still believe that marriage is ordained by God and that it shows your love and commitment to each other and to friends and family. It is much more than a piece of paper but most do not believe my views.

 

I hope your friend knows what she is doing both for herself and the child she is carrying..

[Opium]

I still believe that marriage is ordained by God and that it shows your love and commitment to each other and to friends and family. It is much more than a piece of paper but most do not believe my views.

 

I also believe this. She an exceptionally smart and beautiful woman so is he. Both compliment each other very much and I can see they are very much in love. But I too hope she is doing the right thing. She seems super happy and him, wow all he does is brag but I know deep down it must bother her.

 

Do you think once the baby is born he will change his mind? Or at least to do it to make her happy?

[Marshbear]

Do you think once the baby is born he will change his mind?

Or at least to do it to make her happy?

 

I think if he truly loves her and it is what she wants then he would marry her. If she does not push it then he probably will be happy with the status quo.

 

I believe the ball is in her court as far as marriage is concerned....

[Opium]

I believe the ball is in her court as far as marriage is concerned....

 

How??

 

I mean she could give him an ultimatum but I don't think she's that kind of girl.

[New_Wife]

It's my personal belief that a couple would be better off getting married because that is what they both want to do than because there is an imminent child.

 

However, having a child does tend to change a woman's view of herself & most likely the man too. You may find that their stances change after the baby is here. If he is a good father, she will likely continue to want to be married, and he may want to give his child the security of an "official" family. If he is not such a good father - she may be glad they didn't marry.

[CurlyIam]

I've always thought that one has a child for herself first and foremost and for her partner a long second to last.

 

The decision to not marry that person... would personally make me feel uncomfortable because to me it would be a sigh that he's not that commited to me and to our relationship. but I know there are lots of people for whom marriage is just a formality and they feel better outside it because they think that they're not putting labels and barriers to their relationship. It's a different state of mind than that of your friend's.

 

The thing is... one cannot rush someone into marriage. Nor intimidate them into it with ultimatums. However, if she really needs it, it's only fair that she tells him that. You see, in the end, her bf's marrying her or not isn't the issue here. The issue is his wish to marry her. If he's not feeling that, he DEFINATELY shouldn't marry her. He must want it, dream of it, be convinced that she's the woman to make his wife.

 

Until then... she just didn't get there. Her relationship still needs to grow, is not fully developped yet, that's the truth. I think having a baby at this stage is a dangerous thing, but then, it's not just her choice, but God's also. At her age, she can aford to keep it, so I see no problem what so ever.

 

 

If you really want to be her friend, support her, tell her that she's doing the right thing by giving her man space. Don't put pressure on her, just listen to her really carefully and understand what she really wants.

 

My 2 cents,

 

Curly

[Marshbear]

How??

 

 

I don't mean she should try to force him. That would only cause problems and he would resent her. I just mean that the fact that she does seem to want marriage puts the ball in her court. Hopefully the guy will want to become the H of his beautiful wife and mother someday and cannot stand the thought of not telling the world of this fact. She should be supportive and when he holds that baby in his arms he will make the decision to be a family and marry her.

[RecordProducer]

I do believe in abortion because it does exist!

If I didn't I would've been a divorcee with two kids now instead of two.

I personally wouldn't have a baby with a man who doesn't want to marry me, but different people have different points of view. My ex-husband left me with two little children so if I am going to have another baby, I will make sure (as much as possible) that the father is serious, committed, able to take care of the child if something should happen to me, that he won't leave me just like that, and if he does, he will be financially responsible.

 

My ex was a total jerk to me so naturally I have a trauma from both the marriage and divorce. So if my BF didn't even want to commit by signing a stupid paper, it would give me a hint about his readiness to commit.

However there are people who have stayed together longer than some of us who officially married. I just don't like the idea of having a baby outside marriage. It reminds me of my GF who slept with our marketing teacher; when she told me he had a child, I asked if he was married (vs. divorced) and she said: "He lives with a woman, she is not his wife, she is his GF."

I have a feeling that this guy is sending the message 'I haven't decided to be with you long-term so if you decide to have the baby, it's your decision, your body, your baby...'

[Chris777]

My ex wife made me a bit nervous, when she became pregnant, and wanted to wait about marrage, since she felt a bit pressured.

 

luckily (or not) for our daughter she up and changed her mind a few months before she was born.

 

of course she decided she didn't want to be married to me any more a couple of years later(and apparently no longer wanted responcibility fo her kids either)

 

But I was worried about how it would have affected my child, as wer all know how cruel kids (and adults) can be.

 

I agree with the others about marrage being ordained by God, and I wish I had waited to get to know what sort of person my ex wife was a little better , before marrage, much less, sex. Especially now that I have seen how painful the situation had turned out to be for my daughter.

[ScoffLaw]

Some people are capable of committing and planning a future together without signing a marriage certificate. I know it's hard for people who have had birth-school-marriage-kids-death drummed into their heads by society since infancy to believe, but it does happen. More and more often, in fact. Especially since you end up common law after you live together a certain amount of time anyway.

 

This sounds good but you will always wonder if, at the first sign of trouble, is he/she going to bail.

 

I've heard this so many times it's not even funny. Yet my sister and (common law) brother-in-law have been together longer than many traditionally married people. They've weathered hard times and tough decisions that many people get divorced over. And nary a marriage certificate in sight. Plus they have two kids now.

 

It amazes me how people choose to forget our society's skyrocketing divorce rate and talk about a marriage certificate like it's iron-clad evidence of a committment that will never be broken. Like someone going through a tough time says to themselves, "Well, I can't leave because of that darn marriage certificate, so I'd better stay and work it out." LOL. Don't people in common law relationships have anything to stay for or consider without a marriage certificate? And if the marriage certificate is the only thing preventing a person from bailing "at the first sign of trouble," what kind of a marriage is that anyway? LOL. Amazing!

[clandestinidad]

Some interesting points of view on this. I got pregnant during a horrible off and on physically & emotionally abusive relationship. I KNEW that I didnt want to/shouldnt marry him. I felt pressured to move forward, and told people repeatedly (esp. my mother) that I didnt think it was the right thing to do...I got brushed off, told that I was just nervous....they didnt know him very well obviously.

 

So, walking down the isle, I could feel it..."Dont do this"....esp. when I saw the look in his eyes. Not even cracking a smile.

 

The next 9 months were awful. I was in a car accident (only broke my collarbone when I actually should have flown through the window) at 5/6 months pregnant, put on bed rest @ 6/7 months pregnant (complications and early labor), probably from the stress he put on me. He moved all his stuff out while I was on bedrest, so I was alone. I was induced at 37 weeks and while gowing through all that he was trying to argue w/ me about things. He moved back in....then daughter had big problems at 1-2 months and was in the hospital...then when we came home he grabbed my neck twice, the second time was the day after I had surgery to repair the broken collarbone from my car accident. He actually tries to say that I did something to make him grab my neck...hahaha...as if someone in so much pain and drugged could make someone do that!!!! And that was it....I was gone

 

So...my point is: DO NOT EVER GET MARRIED B/C SOMEONE"S PREGNANT!!!!! Even if pushed into it!!!! If this guy doesnt want to get married, everyone involved should leave him alone about it. He might change his mind at some point...but if he's talked into it or given an ultimatum it Will turn out badly in some way or another. If she wants to get married one day, she needs to leave this guy and find another one.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I had to participate in a debate in high school (22 yrs ago). We didn't get to pick our topic. For my group it was "Is marriage the best relationship possible between a man and woman". I was on the NO side.

 

I had my own opinions, and to me it was a personal point of view, not one that should be forced on everyone else, and I found it to be the most frustrating debate I've ever had to participate in. The teacher was SO obviously on the yes side and that made it much more difficult.

 

What I'm trying to point out is they love each other and have made it clear that they are both committed to the relationship. Their expecting a baby does not change this FACT. Their families and the public are going to express their points of view, some more directly than others and I'm afraid they may need some snappy but classy comebacks for those unwelcome comments.

 

Getting married is not the 'be all to end all' (did I say that right?). They are going to be a family, and a piece of paper isn't going to mean their relationship is any stronger tomorrow than today, or that he loves her any more or less tomorrow than today.

[Mamaof2]

I just wanted to share my opinion and experience. My husband and I got pregnant before we were married and he and I wanted to get married out of beliefs that you don't have children out of wedlock. I believe this firmly. If you love each other enough to have sex you should one another enough to give that child parents that are married (my opinion)

 

I was 17 and my husband was 18 and we made our decision but in our case everyone in his family was telling it would be a huge mistake. We are still together after 8 years two kids and our daughter believes that you have to be married to have children and I think that is very important for young girls and boys to know that you have children after you are married. If more people taught there children that maybe there wouldn't be so many half bothers and sisters out there. Again this my opinion and thought on this and just wanted to share. I just have a lot of friends out there with such mixed families and so much confusion for the kids.

[RecordProducer]

You guys are talking about a highly committed relationship (even involving kids) and the only "missing" part is the marriage certificate. With or without the paper, it's marriage and your point against is makes no sense to me.

If you want to defend a non-marital relationship then we're talking about something else. In any case, this thread is about the paper. I still superstitiously believe that the lack of paper usually means lack of desire to stay together. Some exceptions make the rule.