ttttaylor Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 So we broke up about a week ago. We broke up because we had been having issues and the feelings faded on his side. We'd become too dependent on each other. I think that, among the other issues is what pushed him away. He says the best thing right now is for him to figure everything out and be on his own for right now. I know he still cares deeply for me and I know this break up is hurting him as much as it hurts me. We are on NC but I had to reach out to him a few times because of questions like what to do about us on facebook, stuff like that. He was very nice and like his old self when we talked, so there are definitely no bad feelings. We were best friends. I mean, even before we were dating. We've been best friends for a very long time and neither of us can bear to lose each forever. We agreed to NC so the dust could settle and we decided to meet up for coffee when he comes home for midterms next weekend. We agreed that after this NC, we'd like to slowly rebuild our friendship. We both agree that even if we can't be friends now, it is inevitable that we will be good friends again due to the nature of our friendship before and the fact that we are, coincidentally, both theatre majors and will be at the same school next year and the fact that the theatre majors there are a very tight knit group. He says he hates saying this because he doesn't want to get my hopes up in case he changes his mind, but that he can see us being together in the future, and that he'd like to try again in the summer or next school year. I know we need this break, but our connection was one of a kind, even our family saw it. I can see us doing better in the future. I recognize where we went wrong and what on my end drove him away, though he had issues too and recognizes them too. I really hope that this week or 2 of NC is enough for him to think it over. I guess my question is, should I ask for a second chance when he comes home? I am more than willing to take it as slow as needed. Or should we start over? Let our friendship build again and (hopefully) reconnect romantically like we did before. Even if I can't have him romantically again, I'd really really love to be best friends with him again. He was very special and important to me even before we started dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Nowty V Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Only you know the answer. It would be wise to seriously focus on other things in your life, especially yourself, and look at your life as though you are going to be without him. Forget he exists and get on with your life. If you keep allowing him the bits he wants, he will carry on taking them without considering what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 So we broke up about a week ago. We broke up because we had been having issues and the feelings faded on his side. We'd become too dependent on each other. I think that, among the other issues is what pushed him away. He says the best thing right now is for him to figure everything out and be on his own for right now. I know he still cares deeply for me and I know this break up is hurting him as much as it hurts me. We are on NC but I had to reach out to him a few times because of questions like what to do about us on facebook, stuff like that. He was very nice and like his old self when we talked, so there are definitely no bad feelings. We were best friends. I mean, even before we were dating. We've been best friends for a very long time and neither of us can bear to lose each forever. We agreed to NC so the dust could settle and we decided to meet up for coffee when he comes home for midterms next weekend. We agreed that after this NC, we'd like to slowly rebuild our friendship. We both agree that even if we can't be friends now, it is inevitable that we will be good friends again due to the nature of our friendship before and the fact that we are, coincidentally, both theatre majors and will be at the same school next year and the fact that the theatre majors there are a very tight knit group. He says he hates saying this because he doesn't want to get my hopes up in case he changes his mind, but that he can see us being together in the future, and that he'd like to try again in the summer or next school year. I know we need this break, but our connection was one of a kind, even our family saw it. I can see us doing better in the future. I recognize where we went wrong and what on my end drove him away, though he had issues too and recognizes them too. I really hope that this week or 2 of NC is enough for him to think it over. I guess my question is, should I ask for a second chance when he comes home? I am more than willing to take it as slow as needed. Or should we start over? Let our friendship build again and (hopefully) reconnect romantically like we did before. Even if I can't have him romantically again, I'd really really love to be best friends with him again. He was very special and important to me even before we started dating. How eager are you to listen to him gush over the new girl he met? Because that's the kind of things really good friends do--they talk about the person who has their heart a-flutter. So, are you really saying you want to hear him go on and on about his new girlfriend? What happens when his new girlfriend tells him that she doesn't like you being his friend and he puts your friendship down to keep her happy? Don't offer friendship as a means to engineer your way back into being his girlfriend because that's manipulation. You want to be his woman/lover, not his bud with whom he goes on and on about his new girlfriend. My advice is to rein in your plan to manipulate friendship when you want the romantic... because you're selling yourself out by doing that. It's really not what you want--it's what you've convinced yourself you'll do/settle for in order to maintain having contact with him. If he can't tell you today that he wants what you want, then don't waste your time trying to "win". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ttttaylor Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 How eager are you to listen to him gush over the new girl he met? Because that's the kind of things really good friends do--they talk about the person who has their heart a-flutter. So, are you really saying you want to hear him go on and on about his new girlfriend? What happens when his new girlfriend tells him that she doesn't like you being his friend and he puts your friendship down to keep her happy? Don't offer friendship as a means to engineer your way back into being his girlfriend because that's manipulation. You want to be his woman/lover, not his bud with whom he goes on and on about his new girlfriend. My advice is to rein in your plan to manipulate friendship when you want the romantic... because you're selling yourself out by doing that. It's really not what you want--it's what you've convinced yourself you'll do/settle for in order to maintain having contact with him. If he can't tell you today that he wants what you want, then don't waste your time trying to "win". He's not looking for a relationship right now. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but I know him like the back of my hand. And yeah, hearing about a new girl would hurt. But we were best friends before we dated and I want to remain best friends. We didn't end on bad terms at all. I mean, we both agree that we'll be friends again eventually. I want this course of action to work because, yes we have changed as that is inevitable, but even after breaking up before we deciding on NC, we we're still talking how we used to just slightly more distanced. Our personalities are pretty much unchanged since we first started dating so I don't see why we couldn't take that friendship route into romantic again. Even if that doesn't happen, I truly would hate to lose a friend like him. I honestly think the circumstances pushed him away. I know where I messed up. We both know we weren't in the best state of mind due to our anxiety and depression issues and that caused rifts. I truly think this is a good break for us to be away and be okay with ourselves. I want him happy first and foremost, and if that takes him exploring his options, then fine. But we can both see this working out again in the future Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Sorry, you're wasting your time sitting around hoping that things work out and you'll go back to the way things used to be with him. They won't. You also aren't going to be besties again. Of course, you aren't going to believe any of this. Instead, I see a lot of heartache, frustration, and once he meets and starts dating someone else (and he shall), tears. The smart thing to do would be to cut all contact with him and start dating others. But unfortunately, this is going to drag on until he meets someone else. Until then he'll keep you around as a backup, with "next year." Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 I think you're fantasizing an outcome rather than focusing on reality. You were once best friends but that dynamic changed when you both got emotionally involved. I think this pattern of thinking that you're holding on to stems from your fear to let go. Sure, there are people that can stay friends but most times that happens when both have moved onto others and have emotionally detached from each other. "Friends" is an excuse one uses to justify keeping a foot in the door because completely letting go is just too difficult to handle. Heal and move on. Otherwise you'll be headed for pain and disappointment. Link to post Share on other sites
Kelley Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 This is coming from someone who was a friend to her ex for 3 months instead of moving on. It was painful and have I recently found out he is now in a new relationship, I'm devastated. . He moved on using me as an emotional crutch, I stayed still and I'm in agony and trying to move on. You have to accept the situation, I wish I had 3 months of pain, waiting and hoping, now to see him with someone else! NC and get on with your life, it hurts like hell but you will survive. Link to post Share on other sites
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