4 year old kid parenting issue with girlfriend

[hoully81]

I have 2 kids 16 and 12. She has 1 kid 4 year old boy.

 

Her 4 year old kid seems to me like any other 4 year old kid just a little slow on speech development. Her parenting style I am not sure what its called but she is very lax on giving punishment or setting boundaries for the kid. For example: I always bring a water bottle with me when we go out with the kid. The kid always throws a fit to have "my" water bottle. The first time this happend I said no you cant have my water bottle. he thru a tantrum and she said just give him the water bottle so I did and she want out of her way and went to a gas station to buy me a water bottle at a gas station. I didn't need one and could have waited the hour until we got home no big deal but whatever just blows my mind that she let the kid have so much control over the situation.

 

I later talked to her about the incident and told her yes it was only a small inconvenience for me to give the water bottle to him to make him happy but I tried to explain to her that I said no he cant have the water bottle and we could get water when we got to our destination. I also explained that you are showing him that if I say no all he has to do is throw a fit to get his way.

 

We recently went to my kids soccer game and he wanted my water bottle again. I said no again which led to a 20 min tantrum and ruined the game for me as he was trying to pull water from me etc. I never gave in and she never did either which I applaud her for as that is a big step for her. I had more water bottles in the car and I offered to her son I would walk with him to the car and he could have his own water bottle but of course all he wanted was mine.

 

I discussed later with her again and I tried to explain why I just dont give it to him. I told her because I feel like I said no and gave him a reasonable option. I also feel like if you give in on this issue you will have 100's of little other fights that play out in the same way which they do as she has no power over the kid and he runs the roost.

 

I asked her how she would of handled the situation and she said I would of just gave him the water bottle as it was no big deal.

 

Am I missing something there? Was I in the wrong not caving to the kid and letting him have the water?

 

It was never a fight between us and she is very open to learn how to discipline this kid as she knows he acts up big time. What is a good strategy to do this?

 

 

Also:

 

me and the her kid have become very close the last 1.5 years we have been together. I play with him all the time when he is around as he is a very active 4 year old. I tease him, play ball with him and even wrestle with him. Very gently as I know she is opposed to all kinds of physical discipline or anything like that so I tread very lightly there as me and my son we would wrestle pretty hard where I would be sweating. lol. Thats how I show love to my son. After i dont see him for a week I may give him a fake jab to the stomach and put him in a headlock/ hug for a second.

 

just this weekend when we were discussing the water bottle situation she brought up that she didn't like me wrestling with her kid. (to me that is normal behavior as 2 cubs wrestle in the wild) I told her I would not do it anymore as its her kid but in return I asked her she will need to stop her kid from trying to wrestle with me as how kids do. Jump on your back grab your leg etc. I told her that is how I played and build a connection with a kid and bond and show love but still told her I would stop.

 

She also does not like any form of teasing. Like when my son was playing with him outside playing soccer he was keeping the ball from him for a bit and of course he started crying. I tried to explain to her they are playing a game and thats part of it you try to keep the ball from the other person. Yes I guess its teasing and the other person dont like it but neither in a game of soccer you dont like being scored on but that dont mean you do not do it to the other team.

 

I guess I am lost on how I should proceed with her. She is very open to listen and I think if I could explain myself better she wouldnt feel like I am harming her kid. I do not feel like I was harming her kid but rather building a healthy relationship with the kid and it seemed he would respect me more when I did have to try to parent him or keep him safe etc.

 

At the end of the day its not my kid and if she says no I do not want you to wrestle with my kid then I wont.

[mikeylo]

[]

 

Really ? You fighting with a 4 year old for a water bottle? Really ? I'm failing to wrap my head around this.

Edited October 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted long quote of OP ~6

[hoully81]

I was never fighting with the kid. I never made it a option. I said no you cant have it but here are some other options you can have.

[xxoo]

1. You have a right to not share your water bottle. Full stop. She has a right to share hers with the kid, or give hers (likely what I would have done as a parent) without criticism of her parenting. It's not teaching him anything other than she will give him water. Usually, my little kids and I just shared a bottle. No big deal.

 

2. If one child is crying (esp the smaller child), it's not a "game". It's teasing. We do sometimes tease in our family, but our guideline is to follow the laughter. If everyone is laughing, including the one being teased, it's fine. If the one being teased is distraught, knock it off.

[hoully81]

XXoo,

 

Yes I wanted to make sure he had water and would of gotten him some. I have seen the way he drinks out of a water bottle and he does some major backwash so I could not drink after him. lol The point is if I gave him my water bottle and went to car and got another one for myself he would still want my water bottle. I guess its just a difference in parenting styles that I clash with her on as to me thats a teachable moment to show a kid you will not always get your way.

 

They were sharing a water bottle but he wanted mine.

 

The first time this happend I did criticize her parenting as I said "no" and she said in front of the kid to give him the water bottle.

 

The next time I actually praised her as she did not go against what I said. But the issue i am having she thinks I am wrong and should of caved in and just gave it to the kid.

[SammySammy]

What you're missing is that's her kid and, ultimately, she will determine how he's disciplined.

 

You're right in that the kid needs structure and discipline. He needs to learn to respect boundaries. You're right in that there will be consequences for letting children rule and do whatever they want.

 

But, ... that's her kid.

 

This is a common issue when dealing with single mothers.

 

You can talk to her. Work with her and the kid. Just realize that unless she changes how she feels about guiding her child, then nothing will really change.

[Shepp]

RE Water bottle...

Yes discipline is important. Yes once you say something you need to follow through. BUT why make life a battle? Does it really matter if a kid wants your water bottle? Who really cares? Is it worth making a huge point over? ...personally id save it for something more serious where I want my kids to learn an actual lesson

 

RE Wrestling and teasing

Totally agree with you on this!

Its character building to lose games sometimes.. kids should know how to be good losers, I hate this 'everyone wins' mentality. Kids should experience losing and learn from it, and work harder, and come back to win... what kind of adult are you building otherwise!

 

And I don't see any problem with wrestling.. its not like you're hurting him, right!

[hoully81]

the water bottle issue to me is just not letting the kid simply have his way with everything.....where he eats. What he eats. when he goes to sleep. what we watch on TV. If he wants to wear his shoes or not. If he wants to wear his pants or not. Who is able to pour him a bowl of cereal.

 

If I gave him water bottle and got another one he would want that one.

 

The wrestling I have never came close to hurt him. I take precaution so he dont hurt himself I knew it made her uncomfortable so I have been extra cautions but she was abused by her ex husband and now is the type of person that does not agree with anything physical.

[xxoo]

My H wrestled with our kids, and it was no big deal.

 

That said, you can't go against her and wrestle with her kid if she doesn't want you to. That's a losing proposition.

 

About winning and losing, he's learning that in soccer, and in life. He doesn't need to be teased to the point of tears by family members to learn that.

 

Keep your water bottle for yourself. Just don't criticize if she chooses to share hers. That's where the defensiveness and power struggles come in.

[BC1980]

the water bottle issue to me is just not letting the kid simply have his way with everything.....where he eats. What he eats. when he goes to sleep. what we watch on TV. If he wants to wear his shoes or not. If he wants to wear his pants or not. Who is able to pour him a bowl of cereal.

 

^^^This. I went through this with my ex and his son. My ex set no boundaries and allowed his son to do anything he pleased. There was no structure. He took a shower when he wanted, ate when and what he wanted (a lot of unhealthy stuff), went to bed when he wanted, did his homework at 8:00 at night if he wanted, would thrown a tantrum to get his way, ect. It was just a nightmare, so it was like good cop, bad cop. When I stayed with him, I had rules about when he was going to bed and doing homework. It was awful quite honestly.

 

But that was my ex's son, and it was not my job to override his parenting. Even though I disagreed with nearly everything about my ex's parenting, I had to step back and just let it be. I had to accept it for what it was. You will either have to do what I did, or you will be constantly quarreling over parenting. It's not an easy decision because differences in parenting styles are big issues.

[basil67]

the water bottle issue to me is just not letting the kid simply have his way with everything.....where he eats. What he eats. when he goes to sleep. what we watch on TV. If he wants to wear his shoes or not. If he wants to wear his pants or not. Who is able to pour him a bowl of cereal.

 

Are all these other things issues with him too? Or is it a slippery slope which you're concerned about?

 

In life there are some arguments worth having and some not. Wearing pants and shoes when we go out is not negotiable - that's just a given. But water bottles are not a hill to die on. IMO, neither is making a child eat food he hates.

[hoully81]

Basil,

 

Yes these are all real issues and only scratch the surface. There are no boundaries for this kid and she caters to anything he doesn't like. She is willing to listen to my concerns but she is ultra sensitive about any type of criticism I have on her parenting style. She does have a lot of good traits I do not have as a parent as she gives a lot of praise and likes to talk about emotions to the kid.

 

We can be going to the store that is 5 minutes away and immediately the kid will take off his shoes even after she told him 100's of time not to do it. She will just say do not take your shoes off and then everybody has to wait 5 minutes in the parking lot while she struggles to put his shoes back on so we can go into the store......whole other thread on how he acts in the store. lol

[noelle303]

I actually completely understand what you mean in terms of not giving in to a tantrum. It's not about the water bottle, it's about saying ''no'' and then changing your answer once they throw a fit.

 

I'm not a strict parent by any means. I also don't believe in corporal punishment and practice positive discipline. But when I say ''no'', I stay consistent no matter what and no matter how small the issue is. And now, at 6, she knows that when I say no to something, I mean it. I give her an explanation, I give her an alternative and I stay firm.

 

However, you really aren't his father and I believe that only parents should be the ones who administer discipline. If that's how she decides to parent you really can't do much but let her. If she asks for advice, you can give it to her, but don't push it. He's her son and ultimately her headache.

[mikeylo]

I would rather focus on own kids as they are nearly teenagers. This kid is being a typical 4 year old and as just a boyfriend, I guess you are crossing the line.

[xxoo]

Basil,

 

Yes these are all real issues and only scratch the surface. There are no boundaries for this kid and she caters to anything he doesn't like. She is willing to listen to my concerns but she is ultra sensitive about any type of criticism I have on her parenting style. She does have a lot of good traits I do not have as a parent as she gives a lot of praise and likes to talk about emotions to the kid.

 

That sounds like me (I'm also quite flexible, not strict at all).

 

It works. My previously wild 4 year old is a very resilient, fun, responsible teenager now. Don't be so sure that her parenting needs fixing. Different isn't necessarily bad or wrong.

[basil67]

Basil,

 

Yes these are all real issues and only scratch the surface. There are no boundaries for this kid and she caters to anything he doesn't like. She is willing to listen to my concerns but she is ultra sensitive about any type of criticism I have on her parenting style. She does have a lot of good traits I do not have as a parent as she gives a lot of praise and likes to talk about emotions to the kid.

 

We can be going to the store that is 5 minutes away and immediately the kid will take off his shoes even after she told him 100's of time not to do it. She will just say do not take your shoes off and then everybody has to wait 5 minutes in the parking lot while she struggles to put his shoes back on so we can go into the store......whole other thread on how he acts in the store. lol

 

Wow, that has got to be tough for all of you.

 

Sounds to me like she needs some work with a child psychologist. Does your gf acknowledge that the child has behavioural issues?

 

You say that his speech is delayed. Are there other developmental issues or random weird stuff that this kid does? The taking off of the shoes and food issues - could those issues be sensory in origin?

[hoully81]

Basil,

 

She thinks he may have autism. He has an IEP at school. I actually went to the IEP meeting and all the teachers think he has progressed a lot and do not think he has Autism. They say one year ago they may have agreed he had autism but now they do not think so. He definitely is behind on speech but I do not see the autism.

 

She definitely acknowledges the kid has behavior issues. We have been looking at a future together such as moving in so I am just trying to get on the same page with her if possible before we make that step. As of right now I told her we are not on the same page as regards to parenting.

 

I know if I had 100% control over the situation I could get that kid to behave much better. The few times I have had him alone with me he acts differently as he knows I do not play into his fits. I know thats not realistic I am just saying that as I know the kid can act better. I see him all the time right before he is going to do something bad he will look at his mom and do it anyway. So I know he knows what he is doing is not the correct action.

[jellybean824]

I commend you for listening to her wishes. It's not easy to parent a child that is not your own. A note about your tendency to "wrestle" with your son (and hers)-from what I understand this is normal "bonding" behavior for men/boys and actually increases the bonding hormones. With women, cuddling, showing affection, etc has the same effect. I know it might be difficult to hold back when this is how you are used to showing affection, but in the end it is her kid. Sounds like you have a pretty open and honest relationship, and you do have more experience as your kids are older. At the end of the day, you may have to agree to disagree behind closed doors. However, in front of the kids, it is important to have a united front. Here is an article: Stepparenting: It Takes Two | Focus on the Family that talks about parenting in blended families. I hope it is of help to you.

[Tayla]

You are fighting with the wrong tools.

 

Took being a grandparent to realize that simplicity is key to disciplining with regard. Pick a hill wisely. A water bottle is not one of them. Instead an opportunity for the child to learn manners was the lesson. Learning-please may I? Or no thank you go far in adjusting a scenario. How are you at showing and promoting autonomy? Allowing things to grow with guidance?

 

I'm not a fan of horseplay .. Saw the harm it caused from "toughening" the "young lad" up.. He was in the hospital from one of those toughen up moments.

 

Coping skills are demonstrated daily. Kids will feed off it... Make sure it's nourishing them not making them ill minded. Example: driving in the car and screaming at other drivers .. Then telling a kid to be respectful of the adults. Why should they when they saw how you conducted yourself in the car. Sending them double messages is not the answer. Consistency is.

 

Autism , ocd,add, all seem to be quick ways to categorize a child's demeanor. Doesn't mean hootn'nanny though.. Each child deserves better then to be categorized as a condition. I think some parents are ill equipped in how to parent .. So they excerebate the behavior and assume it's an ailment, when in fact they are just not well knowledged in parenting. I'm not demeaning a parent.. It's about the skill though that is of concern. It doesn't come natural for some..

Yes there are a percent that innately do know when their child may have special needs.. And that does deserve attention.

 

Just bizarre that now in a classroom 9 out of 12 kids has a "labeled" challenge. The new normal is to be given a condition ..