Allycat1974 Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 I had the feeling it was coming... Please tell me what happens now? What should I expect? Link to post Share on other sites
spideywoman Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 What happened? Tell us more. Caught by whom _ his wife, outed at work, friends? A number of things can happen henceforth ... and they'll likely all be pretty bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 He'll drop you like a hot potato most likely and reappear in a few months when things have calmed down at home. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Who knows what will happen. If his wife has any sense like I had she'll toss his sorry @r$e out of the door and he'll be all yours "May all your wishes come true" - Old Chinese curse 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allycat1974 Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share Posted October 6, 2016 I got a blocked call.... got no response He got an emotional txt But I literally had the feeling all day that , This was the day it was going to happen... I had scenarios running through my brain all day... He called after he faced her.... said things were good not to worry Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 I had the feeling it was coming... Please tell me what happens now? What should I expect? He will first try to deny it and gaslight her. If he cannot, he will blame you for pursing you and blame her for not treating him right. He will completely ignore you and be cruel and mean. You will go through boatloads of pain and suffering. In about 4-5 months once she feels secure, he will be back and apologize. He will ask to be friends. If you fall for it, eventually he will try to pick things back up. Repeat. 17 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Here's how it works. The wife knows. Now there no reason he can't leave and be with you. If he's not doing that NOW--. He never will. You will go back and forth and back and forth. Excuse after excuse. Money, kids, family....not the right time, etc etc etc etc. He'll keep you in limbo and as long as you oblige him and keep letting him bed you. Push will come to shove. He'll choose his wife. He will be forced to go no contact with you. It will be cold. A febmonths later when you're starting to move on and be healthy will be the same time he's getting bored in his marriage again...so he'll send a "just checking in on you " text. If you fall for it and answer----start from the beginning and repeat this same cycle Over and over Men that want to leave their wives to be with you DO. No excuse will hold them back. If he's not doing that. You're not worth it to him. Cut your losses now before your life goes to hell and you are hurt more than you are now 19 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 I got a blocked call.... got no response He got an emotional txt But I literally had the feeling all day that , This was the day it was going to happen... I had scenarios running through my brain all day... He called after he faced her.... said things were good not to worry Yup, he told his wife he would dump you, but guess what. As long as you are willing to have sex with him, he Will keep at it. What you should not do is believe anything he tells you about what he told her or her reaction. If he tells you she is OK with it, tell him you want to meet her. If he tells you she's kicking him out and divorcing, then the question is when do you get him all to yourself.?? And if you work with him, you better make sure that if his wife blows it up at swork that you do not lose your job being his mistress. You ask what will happen. You ain't going to know until it does. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
grassisorisntgreener Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Are you married? Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Have you spoken to him in greater detail after he told you it was "good and not to worry"? You are about to learn a lot about him, and it won't be pretty. It's likely that he went home, lied and gaslighted her, got her to back down, and is now thinking things are "good." His actions now will reveal key things: 1) If he continues the A without interruption, then you will learn what he really thinks about his sense of entitlement as well as gaining insight into how he treats women. 2) If he ceases contact while things cool down at home, then you will learn what a coward he is. If he reaches out to you again in a few months after things at home have calmed down, then you have learned what he really intends in his relationship with you. 3) If he tells his wife about the A and then faces those consequences, then you will learn that he has some integrity. (Don't hold your breath on this one.) Remember, actions > words. Every. Single. Time. Watch his actions. You are about to learn a lot. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Hi. Will you tell us a little more about this situation? Are you married? Are there children involved on either side? How long did the affair last? Was it an EA or PA? Where did you meet? Do you need to see him on a regular basis now? How did his wife discover your affair? What does she know? What has he told you so far? What do you want to happen now? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allycat1974 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 Hi. Will you tell us a little more about this situation? Are you married? Me-Single Are there children involved on either side? There are children.... How long did the affair last? 1/2 year Was it an EA or PA? EA Where did you meet? Social charity events. Do you need to see him on a regular basis now? He was coming over daily after work until late. How did his wife discover your affair? Phone records What does she know? Nothing. Just phone bill What has he told you so far? He still wants to continue. What do you want to happen now? Originally I wanted to keep it afloat. Go w flow but I just received an email last night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allycat1974 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 Well.... he's super bad at the game. Went to a family event (reunion of some sort) and spent all night txtd me. I went to bed and he continued to profess his love to me. Somewhere along the evening she took his phone. And messages me. Mind you I'm asleep... no clue. She sends a very mild mannered message. She knows who I am. States she isn't willing to let go. That will be one of many storms she has weathered... How I was foolish to think he would leave his marriage.... So I had few hours to look at message.... Then he calls me... tells me he loves me blah blAh blah. Wants to see me... My thoughts are he's the worst cheater, maybe he likes getting caught? Is he a rookie? I'm always coaching him how to get his stuff straight... anyways.... I've never had such a deep EA... so this is all new territory for me... do I tell him to F off?? Obviously he has a million times more to lose but he's still going strong? Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) Well.... he's super bad at the game. Went to a family event (reunion of some sort) and spent all night txtd me. I went to bed and he continued to profess his love to me. Somewhere along the evening she took his phone. And messages me. Mind you I'm asleep... no clue. She sends a very mild mannered message. She knows who I am. States she isn't willing to let go. That will be one of many storms she has weathered... How I was foolish to think he would leave his marriage.... So I had few hours to look at message.... Then he calls me... tells me he loves me blah blAh blah. Wants to see me... My thoughts are he's the worst cheater, maybe he likes getting caught? Is he a rookie? I'm always coaching him how to get his stuff straight... anyways.... I've never had such a deep EA... so this is all new territory for me... do I tell him to F off?? Obviously he has a million times more to lose but he's still going strong? Actions honey. ACTIONS. His words mean nothing. His actions are telling you he wants you to remain his MISTRESS. Is that what you want for your life? Yes, you should tell him to F off. If you want to see if he is serious about you, then tell him you are going NC until the divorce is final OR he's calling to give you the key to his new apartment and show you his legal separation papers. If he's serious, it'll take maybe 30 days to secure that apartment. That's not too long of NC right? If it goes longer you'll know you were not worth it to him. And you will cry, but you will at least KNOW. And then you will pick yourself up, learn your lesson, and never allow yourself to be treated in this manner ever again. You will find someone who loves you with no excuses, and will not keep you hidden. And you will have a beautiful life . This road only leads to years of pain and damage to your self esteem. I wish you the best Edited October 10, 2016 by aileD 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 ......She sends a very mild mannered message. She knows who I am. States she isn't willing to let go. That will be one of many storms she has weathered........ His poor wife. This suggests you are one of many OWs. He's played you both. Why she won't let go, only she knows. It's as though she's almost become numb to it now. .... do I tell him to F off?? Yes! He's shown his colours. Cut your losses now. At least seeing him for what he is should help you recover - he's clearly no great catch. Very likely he would hurt you down the line, he seems like an addict. No judgement from me - I am an xMM too, and I know what complete POS we can be when we are in the throes of our addiction. It takes one to know one, and my opinion is that he is bad news. Good luck OP. Keep posting 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Well.... he's super bad at the game. Went to a family event (reunion of some sort) and spent all night txtd me. I went to bed and he continued to profess his love to me. Somewhere along the evening she took his phone. And messages me. Mind you I'm asleep... no clue. She sends a very mild mannered message. She knows who I am. States she isn't willing to let go. That will be one of many storms she has weathered... How I was foolish to think he would leave his marriage.... So I had few hours to look at message.... Then he calls me... tells me he loves me blah blAh blah. Wants to see me... My thoughts are he's the worst cheater, maybe he likes getting caught? Is he a rookie? I'm always coaching him how to get his stuff straight... anyways.... I've never had such a deep EA... so this is all new territory for me... do I tell him to F off?? Obviously he has a million times more to lose but he's still going strong? My opinion is that he has cheated before, and also has done many other things to disappoint his wife. My guess is that your affair is just the most recent thing in a long history of mistakes he's made in the marriage. You have to look past the words and see his actions as reflections of his true character. It is very rare that a cheater is a well balanced, honest, emotionally mature individual who has made one bad choice. In most cases, the cheating is just the most recent selfish act. There has likely been years of conflict avoidance, lies about other things, irresponsible behavior, emotional instability, selfishness etc. You can tell by his wife's reply that she's not surprised. She knows he's not a good guy, and has resigned herself to a life with him, for whatever reason. He's a mess, and you are just the latest drama. He continues with you because he can. He's not afraid of getting caught because he knows she won't leave. Also, you are willing to engage with him, even though he's married. Not many women are willing to do that. He doesn't need to put in the effort to build a connection with another woman because you are already hooked. It's easier to water the growing plant (you) with words and attention, than it is to plant a new seed. A new woman certainly wouldn't tolerate all his drama, but you might and his wife definitely will. It's doubtful that he is the kind of guy who genuinely considers his wife and OWs feelings. He is the kind of guy who manages his women and sees them as "roles" in his life. I know you are thinking "their marriage is dead", but don't take that as evidence that the end of the marriage is near. They both want to stay married and dysfunctional marriages can and do last lifetimes. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
whatever29 Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 My opinion is that he has cheated before, and also has done many other things to disappoint his wife. My guess is that your affair is just the most recent thing in a long history of mistakes he's made in the marriage. You have to look past the words and see his actions as reflections of his true character. It is very rare that a cheater is a well balanced, honest, emotionally mature individual who has made one bad choice. In most cases, the cheating is just the most recent selfish act. There has likely been years of conflict avoidance, lies about other things, irresponsible behavior, emotional instability, selfishness etc. You can tell by his wife's reply that she's not surprised. She knows he's not a good guy, and has resigned herself to a life with him, for whatever reason. He's a mess, and you are just the latest drama. He continues with you because he can. He's not afraid of getting caught because he knows she won't leave. Also, you are willing to engage with him, even though he's married. Not many women are willing to do that. He doesn't need to put in the effort to build a connection with another woman because you are already hooked. It's easier to water the growing plant (you) with words and attention, than it is to plant a new seed. A new woman certainly wouldn't tolerate all his drama, but you might and his wife definitely will. It's doubtful that he is the kind of guy who genuinely considers his wife and OWs feelings. He is the kind of guy who manages his women and sees them as "roles" in his life. I know you are thinking "their marriage is dead", but don't take that as evidence that the end of the marriage is near. They both want to stay married and dysfunctional marriages can and do last lifetimes. Perfectly said. He's sitting in the catbird seat. Obviously by the W comments, she's been through this before. He knows his wife will put up with this crap, so he can do what he wants. She won't leave him and why would he leave her? He thinks he can have it all. Logically, now there is no reason for him not to leave now. Tell him to F off and go NC. You don't need that type of person in your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Well.... he's super bad at the game. Then he calls me... tells me he loves me blah blAh blah. Wants to see me... I cannot believe PEOPLE are falling for these things! My thoughts are he's the worst cheater, maybe he likes getting caught? Is he a rookie? I'm always coaching him how to get his stuff straight... anyways.... What are your plans now? Will you stick and wait for this Prince Charming of a cheater? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 (edited) Sometimes the only thing I can muster to say when I read about some of these people is what a W⚓️....... Leave him to his festering life and get on with yours while you look forward to a healthier future. Edited October 11, 2016 by Cloudcuckoo 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 do you want him to get a divorce? do you want him for good, out in the open? if so, call his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 You coached him on how not to get caught and he still got caught? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 You coached him on how not to get caught and he still got caught? My thoughts exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allycat1974 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 I hear what you all are saying... My brain isn't sitting right at the moment. Sling the rotten tomatoes at me... I know right from wrong... and I'm in the wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I hear what you all are saying... My brain isn't sitting right at the moment. Sling the rotten tomatoes at me... I know right from wrong... and I'm in the wrong. I seriously doubt anyone is enjoying throwing tomatoes at you. We'd all rather try to help you get out of this. So what are you doing to fix all of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Hunniebae Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 You're not in the wrong. You got caught and afraid to face the consequences of either having the affair end or continue being his secret. Okay, as the saying goes the ball is in your court now. How will you handle it? Will you end it? Will you stay? Will you give him an ultimatum? Link to post Share on other sites
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