Is this controlling and jealous or is this justifiable?

[nostravita]

I have been in a relationship for three years with this girl

I’m 28 now, she’s 22. I am a very sweet guy to her, I treat her as a princess, I have been financially supportive, she has a migraine condition and I have spent innumerable times with lengths of 8 hours at the ER with her, I’ve always been emotionally supportive and would drop anything to make sure I could be there for her.

 

I was about to take a trip to Europe and 3 days before I left she said she wanted to be on a break (for personal and emotional reasons I was told.). I was nervous not only because I wondered why she would want a break when I was already going to be gone for 2 weeks, but more so because she had met a new guy friend very recently who was flirting with her and expressing his interest in her when they met. She was going through a tough time emotionally and was seeking him out more frequently which was making me a little uncomfortable to begin with. With that said I should trust her wholeheartedly because she hadn’t done anything to break my trust at this point, but I did want to meet the guy. I questioned her on some technical aspects of what it means for this break and told her I value the relationship and felt like she should be allowed all the space she needs but that we should still honor the relationship and be together (we have talked about marriage and having kids.) I had voiced my concerns about this guy I hadn’t met, and felt like to some degree it was emotional cheating for her to be running over to him one-on-one late at night and in her room or his - I was concerned she might actually cheat on me. She can be emotionally unstable (depression, panic attacks, self harm,) and has always had me and other friends she could talk to. It took some discussion to get us to still be in a committed relationship and talks of why I felt so hurt that this break she wanted sounded more like a breakup and an excuse while I would be gone to hook up with him (she also said she was not attracted to him and I had nothing to worry about,) but she was upset that I was focusing on the technicals and not on what she needed a break for; because she needed to feel like she could have fresh air and deal with her emotional problems (she said the break had nothing to do with me but had to do with her.) I told her that I had no problems with her in the relationship and that I love her.

 

When I was in Europe I was upset and basically said if you want a break I’ll let you have what you want, we’re broken up. I was really having a hard time trying to stay positive on the trip and I guess I just wanted to see she still cared about me enough to fight for me because she knew I wasn’t unhappy in the relationship. I was happy to see that she was wanting to talk to me and resolve things and I did talk to her about giving the relationship another go when I got back, but at the same time I seemed steadfast and unmoving until I would be back in the states, which obviously scarred her that there may be a possibility of losing me. In reality I just wanted her to value me in the relationship and fight for me and in hindsight my actions were mean and manipulative things to do.

 

Unbeknownst to me she was hooking up with and having sex with the guy when I was gone and when I later found out (I basically caught them.) I was told this only happened because I had broken up with her and she was an emotional wreck. When I broke up with her I did tell her that I had no problems with her in the relationship, I wanted her to know it wasn’t what I wanted but it seemed what (I felt) she was asking for. In some ways it was a test, I figured if she’s going to cheat on me with this guy, she was going to do it anyways (relationship or not,) so I’ll make it easier for her, but I really hoped she wouldn’t, because we had talked of building a future together.

 

[Fast Forward] I loved her so much and I didn’t want to lose her, so after a month we resolved things when I got home, despite that I felt like it was wrong of her to do what she did with the prospect that we would most likely get back together, I was sure we both felt that we wanted that and we did apparently. I had one major problem when we got back together though, she wanted to remain platonic friends with this guy. I told her how hurtful this was to me like re-stabbing me in an open wound. We talked in great length about it and I thought we had reached an understanding. Fast forward again 6 months later, our relationship is going really well, open communication, talks of marriage, etc.. But ****, I find out that even though she told me she wasn’t talking to him or hanging out with him, she was. I couldn’t handle her being with him, not one-on-one, not in one of their bedrooms alone. I felt those actions were crossing the line, and in my opinion (or value system) I don’t think it is acceptable conduct for her to continue hanging out with someone she barely knew and had sex with a handful of times. Whether or not it was cheating (technically no) I felt like it was wrong that she did that, that long term relationships aren’t so black and white and it was extremely hurtful to me that they remain in contact and be friends while we continue to have a relationship. All of my feelings were voiced. It got to the point where I told her it was me or him; that she would have to choose, that she couldn’t have both because every time she meets up with him or talks to him it was like pouring more salt in an open wound. She seemed to understand, but apprehensibly. It made more sense to her when I flipped the scenario, like if I had done the same things to her. I told her she wouldn’t even have to ask me not to talk to this fictionary girl, that out of respect and love and with hopes of building a future together, that I could never continue to hurt her in that way. She stopped talking to him for a little but because she knew how I felt I guess they started texting behind my back and she would lie to me and say she cut off contact. She still didn’t think it was right of me to ask her to not be friends with someone, and I agreed, in fact I’ve been totally cool when she hangs out with other guys one-on-one and even crashes at their place. Why? Because she hasn’t had sex with them at some point in the span of our relationship. But I said considering everything that happened, I was not comfortable with her being friends with THIS specific guy, that it hurts me too much. They still haven’t known each other for a year and it started as a hookup, one where he said he was not looking for a relationship and she did not know his true intentions. Maybe he just wanted to get in her pants and maybe he still does.

 

I know there is a lot of things I did above that weren’t right but this is the question: Is it wrong of me to ask that she cut off contact with him, and is it controlling? Or is it justifiable for me to ask that because it is hurtful to me while I’m trying to heal from the original hook up?

[LD1990]

Wow. Your mistake hasn't been that you're "controlling" or "jealous," it's that you're actually buying the BS this girl has been feeding you.

 

You seriously believe she hung out with this guy at night in his room and they didn't do anything? Come on man. She cheated on you with him, then she asked you for a break so she could bang him guilt free, and I'm sure she still cheats on you with him now.

 

She has shown you how little you matter to her with her actions. The girl you've talked about marrying cheated on you and now refuses to cut contact with the guy. Dump her.

[lolablue17]

Is it wrong of me to ask that she cut off contact with him, and is it controlling? Or is it justifiable for me to ask that because it is hurtful to me while I’m trying to heal from the original hook up?

 

Yes, it is wrong of you to ask her to cut off contact with him! In fact it is wrong of you to ask her anything. It is very wrong of you to stay with this kind of a girl.

 

Come on, man! Are you blind? She's BS-ing you crap and you eat it like it's a healthy food. She doesn't cut this guy by herself Leave immediately. She's also a liar. How can you trust her at all, doing stuff behind your back.

 

She thinks you're a wimp who she can manipulate and shape you as she wants. Every day you stay with her is an insult for your dignity self respect.

[alwaysgrow]

Sadly, I agree with the other posters. In my opinion, you are not being controlling. It is completely reasonable to ask her to cut off all contact with the man she had an affair with. You have given a lot to this relationship and I can understand why you don't want it to end, but you also need to be open to seeing truth. You need to have a serious talk with her. Is this relationship really leading towards marriage? Would you allow this behavior in marriage? I'm sorry that you are having to go through this.

[Kelley]

I have been there!!!! I told my then boyfriend to cut contact with his 'friend' and he flat out refused, turning it on me. I then found out he was seeing her behind my back and is now in a relationship with her! You really need to open up your eyes, she is controlling you! This is not going to end well, you really need to leave before she takes you for more of a fool, sorry.

[pteromom]

No. It is not controlling and jealous to expect her to step away from a guy she had an affair with (on a break or not.) She has to choose. I am not a fan of ultimatums, but it is warranted in this case.

[Space Ritual]

Jesus H. Christ she put you through the crapper and you still have feelings for her?

 

Dude, seriously, the second you were going to be gone a mere two weeks and she said she wanted a break should have told you enough right there. Id have given her the boot before ever going to Europe.

 

Le me ask you this:

 

If your best friend told you the same story would you not say he was nuts for sticking around?

 

You would.

 

Look, the thing is, that it is not about you or what you have done in the past or she thought you were going to do. She is totally indifferent to that. She is so damned broken she can't even fathom you having any involvement whatsoever in this farce. As far as she is concerned you don't fit into this equation at all...she is showing you who she is...believe her.

 

Seriously, I am sorry this is happening, but am simply amazed at how you would willingly subject yourself to any of this.

 

The Curb...find the nearest one, and kick her to it, and then run screaming into the night as fast and far away from her as possible. And get tested for STD's

 

You deserve much better treatment than this.

[Try]

I was about to take a trip to Europe and 3 days before I left she said she wanted to be on a break (for personal and emotional reasons I was told.). I was nervous not only because I wondered why she would want a break when I was already going to be gone for 2 weeks, but more so because she had met a new guy friend very recently who was flirting with her and expressing his interest in her when they met.

If she wanted a break only for "personal and emotional reasons" as she told you, then you going away for 2 weeks would have given that to her without her even having to ask. Beyond a reasonable doubt, what she was really telling you was that she wanted a break from being exclusive with you so that she could have sex with this new guy, and that is in fact what she ended up doing. She used cheaters logic to cheat on you while telling you that "officially" she did not cheat, but in your heart you know the truth that whatever she wants to call it, she betrayed you for another man.

 

In most healthy relationships couples have relationship boundaries. Many couples have boundaries that do not allow for opposite sex friends, but those that do have a hard fixed rule that you cannot have an opposite sex friend that is not a friend of the relationship. Since this guy is not only not a friend of the relationship but clearly an enemy of it, she cannot have him as a friend. Another common boundary is that you cannot have an "ex" (anyone that you have had sex with) as a friend. Since she slept with him, again she cannot have him as a friend.

 

Before you do anything, ask yourself do you want to be in a relationship with someone that used word games and dishonesty to betray you? If you do, you must be willing to really end the relationship to have a chance at saving it. First, you must demand full 100% no contact with this other man forever, and you cannot compromise on this. Second, tell her that the two of you must agree to full transparency where both of you share all passwords and give permission in advance to allow each other full access without guilt; neither my wife or I have ever cheated, but we have always given each other such transparency and do not think of it as a big deal. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If she is not willing to do both of these 2 things, your relationship was coming to an end anyways and you should end the relationship immediately. End it firmly and with dignity. Do not beg or look back. If she wants back, you need to think it over and make her earn a second chance.

Edited October 7, 2016 by Try

[fenix]

wow OP... if you are buying all the BS that she is telling you... I have a very nice bridge in San Francisco for sale!!

 

Sorry to say this OP but she wanted to hook up with this other guy from the beginning and once she was done with it she came back to you ... now it is up to you if you accept that or not but a bit more of self respect would work best for you...

[smackie9]

She is still into him and more than likely continuing the relationship. You are being played. I doubt she will stop contact with him no matter what you say to her. She will just hide it better from you. I agree your relationship with her has run it's course.