Think my husband is having an emotional affair.

[RubyTuesday7]

I've just discovered my husband has been in taking to an ex from over 20 years ago for 2 years, all behind my back!

 

We've been together for 20+ years. I found out when a call came through Bluetooth in the car, I was sat outside our home, he was still in the house and the call connected through the car. Confronted him and he said they'd been in touch as her mum was dying of cancer. I knew they were friends on Facebook, never had a problem with it. But what he'd failed to mention, was they'd exchanged numbers!

 

Fast forward to a week later and I see a text on his phone from her at 10pm at night. I demanded to look at the text and he deleted the full conversation. Why would someone do that?

 

I went into full detective mode and asked for access to his phone, or he could get his **** and get out. I decided to check his Facebook messages. Discovered they exchanged numbers 2 years ago. In the messages, they were arranging to meet up, then they swapped numbers. He completely denied they'd ever met up. I was to find out that was utter BS. Looked on his google maps on his phone, bam! Her address was in there. I already figured where she lived, thanks to a bit of snooping.

 

I've asked him to leave. The lies he's told have been the worst bit of all this. I don't think I'm ever going to know the full extent of what's really gone on.

I don't know where to go from here and whether it was him just helping her through a bad time. The story about her mum dying is genuine.

 

I feel like an idiot, that he's managed to hide this from me for 2 years.

[MJJean]

If this has been going on for 2 years AND they planned to meet AND her address was in his GPS, I highly suspect it was a physical affair, as well. Which is probably why he deleted the conversation. The texts likely confirmed they were physical, so he had to make sure you never saw them.

[Lion Heart]

Have you spoken to her?

 

I always have. First up. Collected information. Then confronted. Once I found out about the LIES, I knew that asking ANY questions of the liar would be virtually a pointless exercise.

 

It's up to you how you roll here.

 

When exWH said "she's just a friend" I also knew this NOT to be true.

We BOTH had friends who WERE "just friends" and we spoke about those known friends.

 

The fact your H (WH) HAD a friend he never spoke about who:

- happened to be the opposite sex

- is an ex gf!

- is a woman he communicated with often AND

- he also has her address

- IN his GPS

- NEVER even MENTIONED her?

 

Spot on.

 

A definite EA.

 

Possibly a PA. I'd bet on it.

 

If you can download the phone records.

See the frequency and length of conversations etc.

 

If he's left it's different.

 

Read up on the 180.

The Cheaters Handbook 101. KNOW these techniques.

 

There are guides here for Reconciliation. If you and him need those.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart

[BluesPower]

Yeah, He has been sleeping with her for a while, no doubt.

 

Is the cheating a deal breaker for you? 20 years is a while? Do you have kids?

 

Of course he is lying to you about everything, you should know that. What do you want, divorce or try to save marriage?

 

So, sorry this is happening.

[understand50]

RubyTuesday7,

 

Sorry for your troubles. No one deserves this.

 

First thing, as others have stated, you need to know what was going on and the extent of the EA, or PA. This is the hard part, as both will hide and lye. The bottom line is you need to know what you are forgiving, or what is the reasons for breaking up. Half truths never do. Let him know that if he want a second chance he is going to have to fully open on what happen with you.

 

Second, you need to decide if you may give him a second chance. This is only up to you and you will need to sort out if you love him enough to forgive him and move on with the marriage. I would not do any action that may preclude reconciliation until you decide what your path is. This does not mean that I would not be insisting on the whole truth, or demanding he go full no contact. Just keep your options open, so you are in control.

 

Third, once you decide to divorce or reconcile, you then need a plan. Divorce is straight forward, and you can start or stop as your needs change or your resolution stays. If you decide to reconcile, I am of the opinion, it is harder then divorce, so don't take this decision lightly. Both option, once you decide, there are resources for you to use. LS is just one.

 

At this time you are is the "discovery" phase in all this, and it is going to be painful, there is no help for that. Things will get better with time and also when you decide your path forward. Do not give up hope, ether way, or think this is a reflection on yourself.

 

My last thought, is that you do not beat up yourself for not seeing this. We trust our, spouse, lovers, and best friend. We do not expect this type of betrayal. You are not the first wife, who finds this out and you will not be the last. His actions, do not diminish who and what you are. It does show that he is weak, and that his morals are less then they should be. My only other advise, if it is worth anything, is to gather all the facts before you decide what you are going to do and take your time in doing so. He had two years to make this mess, take all the time you need for yourself.

 

I wish you luck.....

[RubyTuesday7]

I'm wishing I would of kept quiet while I did some more investigating, but I couldn't control my emotions at the time. It's shook me to my core. The more I dug, the more I uncovered.

 

We've got 2 boys, aged 21 and 18, so they're no longer babies.

 

I haven't slept or eaten for 2 days, I never imagined this from him, he's always prided himself on loyalty.

He's swearing nothing physical has ever happened, that there was no flirting between them. He said he hid it because she's an ex and I'd think something wa going on between them. Yeah, so hiding it was a brilliant idea then idiot!

 

Cheating has always been a deal breaker for me. But how do I prove it was physical? Or should I just be thinking a hidden ' friendship' for 2 years is in itself cheating.

 

They spoke via Whatsapp, so his phone records won't show thr extent of their communication.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. I can't even think straight.

[ChickiePops]

Cheating is cheating whether it's physical or not. If he was hiding it from you then he knew he was doing something wrong.

 

Is it only physical cheating that would be a deal breaker for you or would emotional cheating be one too?

[aileD]

If they're speaking thru WhatsApp, the conversation might just be archived and not deleted.

 

Also, he's lied, lied by omission, snuck around behind your back, etc.

 

he's cheating just by doing that even if he never slept with her. If it was NOTHING AND INNOCENT you would have heard about her and her mom and how your hubby talked and met her st some point over the last two years just in normal healthy husband wife relationship.

 

Get a voice activated recorder and put it in his car. Then you can hear their phone conversations. Bonus that theirs Bluetooth so you can hear her side too.

 

Good luck

[elaine567]

Fast forward to a week later and I see a text on his phone from her at 10pm at night. I demanded to look at the text and he deleted the full conversation. Why would someone do that?

 

When people do that, you can be rest assured they weren't talking about her Mum's cancer or how well his Petunia's did this year, or if Trump will win or not...

 

So sorry.

[Doorstopper]

Facebook location services, if turned on, will show almost everywhere he's been as long as the facebook app was open on this phone. Its a sneaky tracking method facebook has for, as far as I can tell, an unknown reason.

 

Also, facebook often archives messages rather than delete them.

 

These tools could give you information to help confirm the extent of the relationship.

[RubyTuesday7]

Yes, I agree, cheating is cheating, whether emotional or physical. I'm ready to call time on my marriage. To hide this for 2 years from me involves a lot of sneaking around.

 

I've got the OW's number, I want to contact her to ask what's been going on, but I figured he will of told her that I'd found out and give her an heads up, so their stories will match.

 

I've had to tell my boys what's happened, because I've made him leave the house. They both agreed that I'm absolutely right to ask him to leave. They're both pretty annoyed at him at the minute.

[BluesPower]

Ruby, sweetheart pull yourself together. I know that this hurts so bad, I have been there. Right now you are in shock, so just take time to take a deep breath.

 

Also, know that I am both a Betrayed spouse (BS) and a Wayward Spouse (WS), so I have been on both sides.

 

You don't have to do anything right now, so remember that. You will get a lot of advice on here and most of it will be great. You have several options that I will cover in a bit.

 

But understand this, as a man, men do not text for two years and not sleep with the woman, they just don't. Maybe 1 in 100. So you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he is sleeping with her.

 

Now, marriages can come back from infidelity if both partners want it to work out and even then it is very difficult, but very possible. So far my wife and I a together.

 

Things to understand:

 

1) Your husband is probably just in it for the sex, as bad as it is. Most women think that the H will fall in love with the OW and leave. It does not happen very often.

 

2) Another hint that he is sleeping with her is that he deleted his texts, that is a dead give away. It was better to piss you off then let you read about their next rendezvous.

 

3) He will lie about everything until he is caught dead to rights on it. All MM do that. Do not believe anything that he says.

 

Options:

 

1) File for divorce and have him served. It does not mean that you have to follow through unless you want to, but it sometimes wakes the WS up.

 

2) Go into detective mode. Put a VAR in his car, put a key logger on you home computers, all of this information is on LS. Yes it would have been better if you had no confronted him yet, but what is don't is done.

 

Getting hysterical will do you no good. Keep posting you questions there are lots of people here to help.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I am guilty of this as well. An ex-gf (very serious gf) that my wife was jealous of early in our relationship and carried on over the years reached out to me on Facebook. We exchanged some rather harmless messages. Since it had been a long time since we'd seen each other I did say she looked good. That was the extent of it. I never met her or asked to meet up.

 

 

My wife asked me one night if I was friends with her on FB and I said yes. She asked about messages and I said yes. She wanted to know what the messages were and I had already deleted them. I deleted them because I knew my wife had past jealousy/insecurities about this ex gf. She had a lot of doubts about what the messages were about.

 

 

I then unfriended the ex gf.

[S2B]

Where is he staying now? Did you check to see if he's there? There alone?

 

I wouldn't call her - she will only cover for him so the affair can continue.

 

I'd put a voice activated recorder in his car.

 

Don't allow him to return home until his actions show evidence he's willing to change and get honest.

 

 

A man who lies to you for two years is cheating. Be ready by protecting yourself AND seeing an attorney so you know what to expect. Bring the divorce papers home and leave them out in plain sight when he stops over. Fill them out and have them ready to be filed.

 

Sorry for your pain. Be strong!

[RubyTuesday7]

He's staying at his Dad's house. I can confirm he's 100% staying there.

 

I've agreed to meet up with him on Saturday to talk. I've told him, he's got the opportunity to tell me the full truth, if he continues to lie, I will be filing for divorce.

 

I'm thinking of running a data recovery on his phone. I've not mentioned that to him. He's offered me full access to everything,given me the code for his phone, social media, email etc.

 

I just feel I can only make a decision with the truth. I'm afraid that I could be ending my marriage off the back of a platonic friendship. The problem I have, is uncovering the truth.

[RubyTuesday7]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RubyTuesday7 View Post

Fast forward to a week later and I see a text on his phone from her at 10pm at night. I demanded to look at the text and he deleted the full conversation. Why would someone do that?

 

When people do that, you can be rest assured they weren't talking about her Mum's cancer or how well his Petunia's did this year, or if Trump will win or not...

 

So sorry.

 

Yeah, I'm betting there was hardly any talk about her mum. It's definitely what he's using to try and justify it.

[S2B]

He's staying at his Dad's house. I can confirm he's 100% staying there.

 

I've agreed to meet up with him on Saturday to talk. I've told him, he's got the opportunity to tell me the full truth, if he continues to lie, I will be filing for divorce.

 

I'm thinking of running a data recovery on his phone. I've not mentioned that to him. He's offered me full access to everything,given me the code for his phone, social media, email etc.

 

I just feel I can only make a decision with the truth. I'm afraid that I could be ending my marriage off the back of a platonic friendship. The problem I have, is uncovering the truth.

 

Yes, recover data. You will never get his full truth. It just doesn't happen.

 

Decide what boundary you have and stick to that healthy boundary.

 

Consider the VAR - you need to know what's really happening and you'll not get that from him.

 

 

Do not tell him what you're doing - this is for YOU only.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

In my situation (see a couple posts up) where my wife wanted to know the full story, I offered for her to call my ex gf to prove there was no inappropriate activities going on. Sure there was my comment about how she looked good but I was willing to face the backlash from that comment to prove nothing went on.

 

 

Would you be willing to meet with the ex gf? I would think it would be difficult for both of them to conceal the truth without getting tripped up. They might not have even coordinated a cover up and she might reveal what you're looking for - the truth.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm afraid that I could be ending my marriage off the back of a platonic friendship. The problem I have, is uncovering the truth.

 

Speaking from experience, the problem you have is accepting the truth, not surprising after a 20-year marriage.

 

That you would label a two-year affair conducted in secrecy behind your back a "platonic friendship" indicates you're not there yet. The first stage of grief is denial...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Lucky is right. There is nothing platonic about this deal.

 

Don't tell him about the data recovery on the phone until after you find something, which you will.

 

If an actual physical affair is a deal breaker for you, that is understandable. But take your time thinking about it, you don't have to do anything right away. However, depending on when you talk to him, you may want to see a lawyer first so that you know where you stand.

 

I am sorry to say that it is about 99.9999% sure that they are sleeping together.

 

Stay strong...

[grassisorisntgreener]

Is she married?

[RubyTuesday7]

I think I'm still in shock mode at the minute, so I feel I can't rationalise my thoughts.

 

Nothing is adding up and I'm swayed to the thought that I'm dealing with a physical affair. I wish I would of kept quiet and delved a bit deeper in hindsight.

But what's done is done.

He's always known how I felt about cheating. I don't think he's going to tell the truth, he only admits to what I can prove.

 

He also has an old iphone, it's been restored to factory settings, he was using that last year, then he got a new phone when he upgraded his contract. Can you still recover data from that do you think?

It's driving me crazy trying to reveal the truth.

[grassisorisntgreener]

What about putting a VAR in his car. Just before he leaves say "I'm calling your ex when you leave here..." and I am sure he will go to his car and call her immediately.

[aileD]

Also with whatsapp.

 

You can register your phone under a different phone number.... basically find a friend or someone who knows what's going on and wouldn't be in your H contact list. Download whatsapp on your phone, register using friends ph#, a verification code will be sent to friend, have them give you it and enter in your phone.

 

Make sure H and suspected AP are in your contact list. Whatsapp will let you see when they are "online"

 

I was able to see my H talk real time with AP....just by seeing when they were both "online". I couldn't see what they were saying but I could see they talked all day every day.

[BuddyX]

Loyalty is a stripper I met in Florida. From this point on, he can never say Loyalty or Soulmates again. That ship has sailed. I really feel for you. The worst part is that he not only damaged your trust but also destroyed your perception on love. And you'll never get that back.

 

Agree with others. Gather all info. VAR in the car. Schedule a lie detector test. BUT do not tell him. Tell him to take a day off. While driving to the test ask him one more time to tell you the truth. He has one more shot to possibly salvage this marriage.

 

Feel for you.

 

If OW is married go and tell the spouse.