Think my husband is having an emotional affair.

[RubyTuesday7]

This is great news. Not only would it give you the desired outcome, but if you find even one more text/email/phone conversation between them, then you have your smoking gun.

 

Did your husband offer to do the same? Is she married also?

 

He's blocked her number, removed her from all social media, said he will never speak to her again.

[RubyTuesday7]

Just as I wouldn't stop looking for the truth, I also wouldn't jump to conclusions.

 

Keep your eyes open and all options on the table. Plenty of time for decisions down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I told my mum everything today, she pretty much said the same.

She told me to not make any decisions in haste until I've got the full truth.

[S2B]

He's blocked her number, removed her from all social media, said he will never speak to her again.

 

Have you considered that he could easily now have a burner phone?

[merrmeade]

Or maybe just do this - try to catch your H off guard and tell him you just talked to the other girl and she told me everything (even tho you didn't) and see if he confesses.

yes, this works - once. Twice at most.

 

I got my H's confession this way. Told him my sister-in-law had told me everything so he might as well come clean. Second time I said she'd 'indicated' the PA was more than hugs. I got partial truth.

 

You might want to work on your story to be more credible than that.

[heartwhole]

I'm very sorry you're in this position.

 

Of course you hope it was "just" an emotional affair, but it doesn't add up. If the messages were those innocent ones the OW sent you, why did he erase them? And since he offered to call her in front of you, my guess is that they've coordinated stories.

 

I told my husband from the beginning that I needed to know everything, that we couldn't rebuild on lies. He told me I knew everything (that it was just an EA but no meet-ups, no declarations of feelings on his end, etc.), but it wasn't convincing -- he just looked like somebody who wasn't telling the truth. And then I found more and more. I found pics of him in his underwear on the iPad our kids use (it had synced without him knowing). So then I knew there was sexting and he surely just deleted the X rated pics right away. I'm no fool. But because the OW lives over 24 hours by PLANE away, I assumed there was no PA.

 

Then I charged up his old iPhone that sits in the drawer. It was the same password as his new phone (of course I had demanded the password immediately). I got into his "deleted" email account. That's how I found out it was a PA when he had taken a business trip 3 months earlier -- she flew more than 24 hours each way just to spend less than two days with him.

 

All of this discovery took about 2 weeks. He swears up and down he was probably going to tell me that night because we had our first MC appointment the next day. He actually had put a house around the block under contract during those two weeks. He claims it was because he was sure I would divorce him when I found out about the PA. Who knows. Was he weighing his options, considering making a go of it with the OW? I can't know. All I know is that once I found out about the PA and didn't immediately murder him, he told me about the house and got out of the contract. We bought a vacation home instead.

 

So all I can say is that if it doesn't feel like it adds up, there's a reason. Who flips out over innocent messages that the person on the receiving end thinks are no big deal? There's more to this story. There's the Google Maps.

[BuddyX]

I'm very sorry you're in this position.

 

Of course you hope it was "just" an emotional affair, but it doesn't add up. If the messages were those innocent ones the OW sent you, why did he erase them? And since he offered to call her in front of you, my guess is that they've coordinated stories.

 

I told my husband from the beginning that I needed to know everything, that we couldn't rebuild on lies. He told me I knew everything (that it was just an EA but no meet-ups, no declarations of feelings on his end, etc.), but it wasn't convincing -- he just looked like somebody who wasn't telling the truth. And then I found more and more. I found pics of him in his underwear on the iPad our kids use (it had synced without him knowing). So then I knew there was sexting and he surely just deleted the X rated pics right away. I'm no fool. But because the OW lives over 24 hours by PLANE away, I assumed there was no PA.

 

Then I charged up his old iPhone that sits in the drawer. It was the same password as his new phone (of course I had demanded the password immediately). I got into his "deleted" email account. That's how I found out it was a PA when he had taken a business trip 3 months earlier -- she flew more than 24 hours each way just to spend less than two days with him.

 

All of this discovery took about 2 weeks. He swears up and down he was probably going to tell me that night because we had our first MC appointment the next day. He actually had put a house around the block under contract during those two weeks. He claims it was because he was sure I would divorce him when I found out about the PA. Who knows. Was he weighing his options, considering making a go of it with the OW? I can't know. All I know is that once I found out about the PA and didn't immediately murder him, he told me about the house and got out of the contract. We bought a vacation home instead.

 

So all I can say is that if it doesn't feel like it adds up, there's a reason. Who flips out over innocent messages that the person on the receiving end thinks are no big deal? There's more to this story. There's the Google Maps.

 

That's just cold Heart. What's your current situation? Are you with your husband?

[heartwhole]

That's just cold Heart. What's your current situation? Are you with your husband?

 

Yes, we're 18 months out and still together. We did MC in the beginning and both do IC now. It took several months for him even to begin to grasp how to be remorseful and take ownership for his choices. He has learned he needs to work to develop empathy and that he has a tendency to be self-absorbed. We've reset our dynamic. He's made huge strides with how he deals with stress and "adulting" in general.

 

It's not easy by any stretch but I always kick butt and take names when I put my mind to something, and he is smart enough to meet my standards and expectations so he can hold onto me. Almost immediately he snapped out of the fog and was very loving and desirous of staying together, but he was also desirous of me forgetting about the affair stat. But that just wouldn't fly so little by little we're climbing this mountain.

[MJJean]

yes, this works - once. Twice at most.

 

I got my H's confession this way. Told him my sister-in-law had told me everything so he might as well come clean. Second time I said she'd 'indicated' the PA was more than hugs. I got partial truth.

 

You might want to work on your story to be more credible than that.

 

I was actually on the phone with one of the OW while confronting and my exH still wouldn't admit it.

 

Another one, I ran into at a club and he tried telling me she was just drunk and didn't know what she was saying. He said that bit while trying to hustle me away from her, rofl.

 

My exH was one of those guys who took "deny til you die" to whole new heights.

[Dolfin80]

Could it be that he never told you about the friendship because you would not allow it?

[Grapesofwrath]

He's blocked her number, removed her from all social media, said he will never speak to her again.

 

This is a good start, but I think you'd be smart to continue to monitor the situation and verify. It seems like it would be difficult to just end a two-year relationship with no further contact of any kind ever. He may be able to hold to it for a short time, but in a couple weeks or months, the desire to reach out to her could rise again. Or vice versa. It's also possible for them to find other means of contact. There are many messaging apps out there and plenty of other apps (instagram, snapchat, kik, etc.) that allow for a direct messaging function.

 

Ruby: If you've already told us, I apologize for asking again...but is she also married?

[sadwife48]

That's wonderful that he has cut off communication with her! Definitely continue to watch things. My cell phone company has a computer app I was able to download that shows me all of my husband's text messges on my computer. You might check with your provider.

 

I am a little jealous... I'm in a similar situation - my husband of 20 years has been messaging an ex-girlfriend for almost 2 years - and refuses to stop. But he knows I am reading everything they both write. I can also see deleted messages.

[S2B]

Yes, we're 18 months out and still together. We did MC in the beginning and both do IC now. It took several months for him even to begin to grasp how to be remorseful and take ownership for his choices. He has learned he needs to work to develop empathy and that he has a tendency to be self-absorbed. We've reset our dynamic. He's made huge strides with how he deals with stress and "adulting" in general.

 

It's not easy by any stretch but I always kick butt and take names when I put my mind to something, and he is smart enough to meet my standards and expectations so he can hold onto me. Almost immediately he snapped out of the fog and was very loving and desirous of staying together, but he was also desirous of me forgetting about the affair stat. But that just wouldn't fly so little by little we're climbing this mountain.

 

Sorry to say - but if it's an adult -and they don't have empathy...it's nearly impossible to teach someone how to have that as an adult.

 

They either do or they don't -and when they don't life sucks with any person like that.

Edited November 25, 2016 by S2B