daydreambeliever Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Hello I've looked on these boards for a long while now but have been scared to post in case I got a bad reaction. I've seen so many similar posts but wanted to tell my story and hopefully get some advice. 5 years ago I moved to a new town for work,I moved in with my cousin and his wife. I was introduced to my cousins friend and quickly became friends I guess. He was casually dating my cousins wife's best friend,They didn't live together or anything. We would text and eventually I started to find him attractive. We would flirt and if I bumped into him that day,he would text saying how good I looked. He was off limits tho as he was dating my cousins wife friend and even if they split it would of been awkward. Eventually we were texting and talking all the time and he told me he had fallen for me and did I feel the same We talked about if we were together what would it be like etc. I was scared and he was scared of the fall out Then they split and a bolt out of the blue she was having ges child. To say I was heartbroken was a understatement. We continued to talk on the phone and text. He would tell me how this was a mess. He asked me again if I still had feelings even tho he was going to be a dad. Anyway he moved in and they have a daughter ...how relationship became physical but he told me that now he had to stay with her and he's daughter. We both had a bit of a cry and just hugged for 3 hours but never spoke. Just hugged and held hands. He told me He loved me and that being just friends would never be enough. He ended it with us and said he had to face his responsibilites I know it's over. He said I couldn't be in his life in any capacity. Was it real? Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Hello I've looked on these boards for a long while now but have been scared to post in case I got a bad reaction. I've seen so many similar posts but wanted to tell my story and hopefully get some advice. 5 years ago I moved to a new town for work,I moved in with my cousin and his wife. I was introduced to my cousins friend and quickly became friends I guess. He was casually dating my cousins wife's best friend,They didn't live together or anything. We would text and eventually I started to find him attractive. We would flirt and if I bumped into him that day,he would text saying how good I looked. He was off limits tho as he was dating my cousins wife friend and even if they split it would of been awkward. Eventually we were texting and talking all the time and he told me he had fallen for me and did I feel the same We talked about if we were together what would it be like etc. I was scared and he was scared of the fall out Then they split and a bolt out of the blue she was having ges child. To say I was heartbroken was a understatement. We continued to talk on the phone and text. He would tell me how this was a mess. He asked me again if I still had feelings even tho he was going to be a dad. Anyway he moved in and they have a daughter ...how relationship became physical but he told me that now he had to stay with her and he's daughter. We both had a bit of a cry and just hugged for 3 hours but never spoke. Just hugged and held hands. He told me He loved me and that being just friends would never be enough. He ended it with us and said he had to face his responsibilites I know it's over. He said I couldn't be in his life in any capacity. Was it real? No, it was not real. Welcome to LS. Feel free to read my story, all our stories. We are you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 It doesn't matter if it was real or not. It's over. He chose. Even if it was real, he choose to handle his responsibilities instead of following his lust. Let it go, find someone who can and is willing to give you 100% 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 His feelings for you were probably real, but his feelings for his child and wanting to try and be a good father and boyfriend are stronger. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daydreambeliever Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 I know that it is over and it's done. I just keep thinking if one day he decides he cant continue with his gf and it isn't happy then we could still have something,but I can't waste years of my life waiting for things that may never happen. I'm only 28,I don't want to be unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 It really does not matter, you are too young to wait around for someone like that. And, you are too old to be thinking that way. Have you ever been in love before? I bet there is a great single guy out there waiting to fall in love. Get out there and find one. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarletwolf Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Like some had said here it doesn't matter if it was real or not. He's having a baby and he already chose them. Start the no contact rule and move on. Whatever he told you in those moments of lust was overwritten by him leaving you. My best advise is try and move on. He's not worth your time or love and if you keep him around he may try to get you to have sex with him. Not worth the heartbreak. A clean cut is the best option you have here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 I know that it is over and it's done. I just keep thinking if one day he decides he cant continue with his gf and it isn't happy then we could still have something,but I can't waste years of my life waiting for things that may never happen. I'm only 28,I don't want to be unhappy. Let me translate your thoughts:"I just keep thinking that one day if he decides he wants to cheat on his GF and child because he isn't getting the attention he needs due to reality, then maybe he'll choose me to be his second choice AGAIN and we could still have something" Have more respect for yourself 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 The feelings were probably real, but that doesn't mean the feelings were important to him. You are viewing love through your own lens. This relationship was a very meaningful part of your life. You probably feel like the existence of the love you share means that you two are supposed to be together. You want to nurture your connection with him and you want those feelings to last. I think some MM do love the romantic connection they have with OW. And some genuinely love OW (her personality, qualities, temperament, etc). But for many men, these love feelings are just not a priority. They love it, but don't want it to be forever. This doesn't mean the love was a lie, it just means it wasn't that important to them. I think this kind of fleeting love is like roller coasters. Many people love them. They are fun, exciting, exhilarating and dangerous. People will travel hundreds of miles to experience them. They make you feel good, laugh, scream and give you great memories. But you don't want to be on one forever. You don't want to ride a roller coaster every day. That doesn't mean you don't genuinely love them- they have their place in your life. But if you never went on a roller coaster again, you'd be OK. Life might be a little more boring, but you still have plenty of other things you love to do, too. I think some MM think like that- they do feel love for OW, but not in a serious "we are meant to be together" kind of way. More like "I loved her, but time to get back to my real life now". So I think he likely did love you, but that love is just not as valuable to him as his family is. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 I think some MM think like that- they do feel love for OW, but not in a serious "we are meant to be together" kind of way. More like "I loved her, but time to get back to my real life now". So I think he likely did love you, but that love is just not as valuable to him as his family is. This is so true. My H knew it wasn't real life and was actually relieved that the drama was over so he could get back to his real life---but if you ask, he will say he did love her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daydreambeliever Posted September 21, 2016 Author Share Posted September 21, 2016 Thankyou everyone for taking the time to read my post. I think the last night we spent together he decided that was going to be it. I think that's why he got so upset,unless that was fake,I will never know. I really miss him,he cast me aside so very easily. I don't understand how he could go from loving me one day to disappearing from my life the next,it's a very massive difference. I wish things were different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 Assuming there was no DDay, it sounds like the pressure and guilt caught up with him and he felt he had to make a choice in order to start being fair to both you and BW. If he had genuine feelings for you then it was not and will not be easy for him. But maybe you can take some small comfort in the fact that, while he made poor choices, he is trying to do right by everyone now. After all, he could have just kept using you as long as you would put up with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 I don't understand how he could go from loving me one day to disappearing from my life the next,it's a very massive difference. But that is how life is, love is not everlasting like in the movies. Love comes and it goes. Changed circumstances can almost kill it dead in an instant. Here he had a choice to make, you or his gf and child - he chose his gf and child. No-one apart from him really knows why he did that, maybe he was just accepting his responsibilities, maybe SHE is the "love of his life", maybe he was about to break it off with you anyway and this is a great excuse to end it. Who knows? It doesn't really matter, as the fact is he didn't choose you. Given the choice between the legitimate partner and the OW, the legitimate partner often wins, because they are not a person devious enough to try and steal another women's bf/husband. Totally hypocritical thinking, but that is how they view the OW when it comes down to the wire and they have to make a choice. The OW may have lots of qualities that trump the wife, but how can he ever trust her? The OW is fine for sex, fine for emotional support, fine for an ego boost, fine for future faking, fine for dreaming about, fine for a fantasy life - NOT fine for a "proper" relationship, in real life. Do not be one of those women who sacrifice themselves on the altar of an attached man. Women who hang around as his "extra", as he gets married, as he has his children, as he has his wonderful life, whist she waits in the wings and accepts crumbs as if they were diamonds, and gets her heart completely broken in the process. You may see him as your "perfect" man, but that is not true, he is HER "perfect" man, you need to go find one of your own. BTW would you really want a man who sneaked around behind his gfs back and cheated on her? Why didn't he just break it off with her when he started talking to you. He didn't do that, because he is a conflict avoider and/or a cake eater. He would most likely do the same to you, so be careful what you wish for. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever broken Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 Thankyou everyone for taking the time to read my post. I think the last night we spent together he decided that was going to be it. I think that's why he got so upset,unless that was fake,I will never know. I really miss him,he cast me aside so very easily. I don't understand how he could go from loving me one day to disappearing from my life the next,it's a very massive difference. I wish things were different. I understand how you feel. I was there. Many a nights I woke up asking my mom how someone who claimed to love me finds it easily to exit my life without a goodbye? You can do it. I know it hurts like crazy. Is been more than a year and I still cry once in while. Cut all communications with him. Yeah I understand is not easy. But you need someone who will make you their priority instead of their option. Hugs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daydreambeliever Posted September 21, 2016 Author Share Posted September 21, 2016 Can anyone tell me why I miss him when he was never mine? I've accepted it's done,he ain't coming back and he for whatever reason has erased me from his life. I'm dating other people but so far haven't met anybody who really does it for me but hopefully I will. Surely there is more people who I will have feelings for than him? I've spent so long wondering if he thinks of me or misses me but it doesn't even matter because he isn't with me. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 Sweetie, it really doesn't matter and I realize that it is so hard to take. You will meet someone, but in the meantime, try to take care of and work on yourself. Get healthy and feel good about you. You should not feel like you have to another person in your life to be happy. That is how some people get into really bad, toxic relationships that end up doing a lot of damage to them. It will happen when you least expect it. You just need to hang in and do everything you can do to get him off your mind. Good Luck... Link to post Share on other sites
Author daydreambeliever Posted September 21, 2016 Author Share Posted September 21, 2016 He was such a nice guy too. So much fun and I could totally be myself with him. I miss the texts,I miss feeling wanted by him. Hope things get better soon Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 He was such a nice guy too. So much fun and I could totally be myself with him. I miss the texts,I miss feeling wanted by him. Hope things get better soon Nice guys don't cheat on their wives. He was nice because he wanted something from you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 Daydream. the reason other guys aren't "doing it for you" is because a part of you is still holding on and romanticizing the MM. Reality is never as much fun as a fantasy is. Once you are able to move past him, you will find someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 You didn't know the real him. At the beginning of relationships and also during affairs, people only put out their positives. Please google "limerence". You were in this phase, and it was heightened because it was also an illicit affair cloaked in secrecy which intensifies the feelings. He's a man who cheated on his wife. Had you ended up with him, you would have started to see the negatives, and also your position as AP or "side chick" would then be opened to someone else. Make a list of his negatives. Read it when you feel sad. You deserve much better 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daydreambeliever Posted September 22, 2016 Author Share Posted September 22, 2016 The worst part isn't the fact it's over it's how quickly he got me out of he's life. Just like that. From talking daily to gone. It all felt so cruel and heartless. He's lasts words to me were don't contact me. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 He's lasts words to me were don't contact me. Well this was a lesson learned for you. Don't get involved with MM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daydreambeliever Posted September 22, 2016 Author Share Posted September 22, 2016 Must be nice to move on and forget so easily. After it all I hate myself having left over feelings for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alsudduth Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 The worst part isn't the fact it's over it's how quickly he got me out of he's life. Just like that. From talking daily to gone. It all felt so cruel and heartless. He's lasts words to me were don't contact me. Hi Daydream - He has made a choice, and maybe it was hard for him to do so. him asking you not to contact him will be good for both of you. It doesn't mean he doesn't think about you, or that he never meant what he said. It just means he had to make a choice and stick to it. I asked my OM to not contact me as I chose to try to work things out in my marriage. It was very hard. And it is still very hard to not want to reach out to him. He has tried to reach out twice to me and I had to not respond. That was also hard. I guarantee that he has typed your number in, started messages to you, and wished he could talk to you and backed out of it because he knows that it would be the wrong thing to do given his situation and his choice. I'm sorry you are hurting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 Was it love? Who knows and who really cares...because it may be. He may love you, you may be the love of his life.....BUT he made a choice and it wasn't you.. So you can choose to pick yourself up. Heal and move on...or wait around for crumbs. I've been there.. a lot of us have been there. I wish you luck. Love and Hugs..... Link to post Share on other sites
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