How to get rid of this awful sadness and emptiness

[daydreambeliever]

I was contemplating writing a similar post this morning.

 

After 6 months NC my emotions seem to have shut down. In fact my whole inner persona feels quite different now. There is no happy, sad, glad, just a neutral vanilla. It is emptiness.

 

I have been going out with a lovely man for about a month now. He is a great companion and friend. I cannot bring myself to take it to a physical level which is clearly what he wants. We will be talking about it next time we meet as he deserves to find somebody who can give him what he wants. Being touched is the last thing I want. Emotional closeness is also beyond me.

 

Cyra and Day Dream...I feel your despair. Will we ever feel "normal" again?

 

Maybe it's too soon yet.

 

Poppy.

 

The first time I was physical with my new guy I actually cried and felt awful after.

I'm not sure why I felt like that and even now it's not often we are physical.

I'm struggling to open up to him too..I laid myself bare to ex and he stamped all over me.

Maybe it's self preservation

[Poppy47]

The first time I was physical with my new guy I actually cried and felt awful after.

I'm not sure why I felt like that and even now it's not often we are physical.

I'm struggling to open up to him too..I laid myself bare to ex and he stamped all over me.

Maybe it's self preservation

 

I don't know DayDream. It might be self preservation but I can't just say "Poof! Go away!" It won't.

 

Def decided to stop seeing the man I mentioned before. I freeze at the thought of physical contact. He is very needy. The next thing is to tell him. I also freeze at the thought of that!!!!!!!

 

It seems like the best thing for me is to stop dating for a really long time. I have plenty of social contacts with out it.

 

Are you sure it's the right time for you to be with somebody new? Also, just wondering if you have told me about MM.

 

Kind wishes

POppy.

[imsosad]

Poppy, six months to eight years is really nothing. Your feelings seems very normal and understandable.

Even if it feels like stagnation, it is not. As long as you keep NC, you are moving forward, even if it doesn't entirely feel that way.

Be strong,Poppy, there are better times ahead!

[daydreambeliever]

I don't know DayDream. It might be self preservation but I can't just say "Poof! Go away!" It won't.

 

Def decided to stop seeing the man I mentioned before. I freeze at the thought of physical contact. He is very needy. The next thing is to tell him. I also freeze at the thought of that!!!!!!!

 

It seems like the best thing for me is to stop dating for a really long time. I have plenty of social contacts with out it.

 

Are you sure it's the right time for you to be with somebody new? Also, just wondering if you have told me about MM.

 

Kind wishes

POppy.

 

I think I need to stop dating too because it's no good.

I'm lying with the new guy and I have tears in my because it's not the ex.

I feel empty when I'm with him ..I don't have the same feelings.

I miss him so much,I don't know how I'm ever going to be happy

I honestly think this is it forever ..no way out

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hi Daydream. Sorry for your pain. I want to relate a story about a boyfriend I had the hardest time letting go of...hopefully helps you!

 

I was about 28 when we got together. We were together only one year but I was crazy in love with him. When we broke up, I remember asking God for months why he brought us together to have this great connection if it weren't meant to last. Also, while we were together he had a wandering eye and I busted him on a dating website after we'd been exclusive for almost a year. For about a whole year following I was still struggling in love with him with very limited contact. I had so many questions, too, and just felt zero closure. At the one year mark of breaking up, I called him in the middle of the work day and told him I was still in love with him. He said he couldn't talk right then but would call me that night. I never heard from him again...now it's been over ten years later. When he didn't call me, I realized that my continuing to love him that whole next year meant nothing to him so I started on the journey of letting go. The Kelly Clarkson song "Because of You" became my anthem because I couldn't trust again after that. A couple years later I didn't want him but didn't have complete closure still...unanswered questions. Then, one curious day I decided to Google him to see what he was up to. I learned he had married someone a few months prior from their wedding announcement (showed a picture of him carrying her in a wedding dress on the beach). That gave me some closure in knowing we wouldn't be getting back together. Then, a year after that, curiosity struck me again and I searched on one off his favorite dating websites...and found him pretending to be single! Meanwhile, at the same time his work website said he was [still] happily married to his wife. That day I got all the closure I needed feeling like I dodged a bullet. His Facebook page today shows he's still married to the same woman (the one he was married to while trolling dating sites purporting to be single) with their now two kids. Also, from seeing the way they live and look, I'm so glad I didn't end up with him. He just did not have the capacity to appreciate all the great things about me, and was a major serial cheater also!

 

I will say the above cost me so much. I let my body go after breaking up with him and it took me about six years after breaking up with him to be intimate with someone again, and eleven before being vulnerable enough to really let a man into my heart. Fast forward to my current situation...I let MM into my heart (turned out to be a mistake), but at least this time I know if not MM someone better will come along...always!

 

Don't waste years of your life on someone who just can't appreciate the magnificence that is you! All the answers you seek are inside of you. IC will help you unlock them. It could be a perceived need that you currently believe only he can fulfill, but I promise you there are so many other sources to full that in a healthy way. Maybe consider reiki too. Much love to you, sister! Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Then others will learn to love you more like you deserve, or you will more easily kick to the curb those who won't treat you the way you deserve.

[Cyra]

Will we ever feel "normal" again?

 

I cannot really see it. I feel a bit like you in the way that I feel just numb and empty. I dont feel much apart from pain. I try to rationalize it in many logical ways that I am better off without him and I know it is true logically however it doesnt change how I feel. Heartbroken. So I pretty much go through the motions of each day but I dont feel joy or hope and I certainly dont think that I will ever be in love again. It is a gloomy place to be in.

[heartwhole]

I don't believe there's only person out there for each of us. I think choosing a mate has to do with finding someone you find attractive with a complimentary personality and similar goals and values. When you've allowed yourself to bond with someone that you can't have, you can get stuck if you don't properly grieve that relationship. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy if you believe that this was the only man you could/will ever love.

 

Sometimes our feelings get frozen in time, but they don't reflect the reality of what a relationship with that person would actually be like. I think my high school boyfriend will always take my breath away, but would we be good together? Personality wise, sure, but life situation wise, no. I recognize that those feelings have to do with where I was in my life when we were in love, and the fact that he ended it and I wanted to stay together. If we'd stayed together, I probably would have gotten sick of him and ended it myself. But since I didn't have that choice, he became "the one that got away."

 

My husband cheated on me, which is what led me to LS, but I never thought, "Oh no! WH will leave me and I'll never find anyone else!" I immediately thought, well, I'm hot stuff, and there are lots of quality guys out there. So you can shape up or ship out, buddy, because I'm not afraid of starting over.

 

I hope you can root your feelings in reality - the reality that you probably wouldn't be that great if you could be together, and that regardless, you can be great with lots of people. It's OK to grieve for a lost love and to wish it hadn't ended, but all you have is today. My experience has always been that when you're putting positive energy out into the world, people with the same kind of energy are drawn to you.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I immediately thought, well, I'm hot stuff, and there are lots of quality guys out there. So you can shape up or ship out, buddy, because I'm not afraid of starting over.

 

Love this!!!^^^^ Did he shape up or did you ship him out? How did things end up?

[heartwhole]

Love this!!!^^^^ Did he shape up or did you ship him out? How did things end up?

 

It's been 18 months. He's done a lot of work to shape up. He has much better coping skills than ever before, much better perspective. He works hard to imagine how I feel and respond accordingly (empathy). He's gained insight into how he had poor boundaries and engaged in confirmation bias during the affair (reading negative things into everything I did and idealizing what the OW did). He's still a work in progress, but then, I think if we're doing things right, we're all always works in progress, right?

 

I'm a pretty careful person, and I doubted I could have spent 15+ years with someone and not realized he was totally lacking in conscience or values. I figured that the odds were that this was a one time lapse due to a confluence of opportunity and weakness and that we could rebuild *if* we put in the work. But I am willing to walk if it turns out I've completely misjudged him. I am an intelligent, kind and giving person, and I'm not bad looking either! Of course I can find someone else if my husband is too much of a dope to keep me.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I am an intelligent, kind and giving person, and I'm not bad looking either! Of course I can find someone else if my husband is too much of a dope to keep me.

 

Wholeheart, again your last statement...love! Reminds me to ask myself why I'm agonizing over this dopey MM. Afterall, I'm single, 19 years his junior, well-educated, self-sufficient, independent, attractive, friendly, smart, outgoing...but like you said, we are all works in process. I'm determined to root out whatever deficiency was in me to fall for this guy in the first place and wait for so many months for him to turn back into the prince he initially presented himself to be.

[Poppy47]

Wholeheart, again your last statement...love! Reminds me to ask myself why I'm agonizing over this dopey MM. Afterall, I'm single, 19 years his junior, well-educated, self-sufficient, independent, attractive, friendly, smart, outgoing...but like you said, we are all works in process. I'm determined to root out whatever deficiency was in me to fall for this guy in the first place and wait for so many months for him to turn back into the prince he initially presented himself to be.

 

I think it often has to do with being in a bad place when you meet somebody. It doesn't have to mean you have a deep psychological problem.

 

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

I think I need to stop dating too because it's no good.

I'm lying with the new guy and I have tears in my because it's not the ex.

I feel empty when I'm with him ..I don't have the same feelings.

I miss him so much,I don't know how I'm ever going to be happy

I honestly think this is it forever ..no way out

 

I'm glad to hear that you will stop dating this guy. He needs to know all is not well and seek out somebody who can give him what he is looking for.

 

I know I will feel happier when I have stopped seeing this man. He can then go and look for somebody who wants to have a full relationship with him.

 

Meanwhile, we just carry on.

 

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

Poppy, six months to eight years is really nothing. Your feelings seems very normal and understandable.

Even if it feels like stagnation, it is not. As long as you keep NC, you are moving forward, even if it doesn't entirely feel that way.

Be strong,Poppy, there are better times ahead!

 

Thank you Sad.

 

I know after 8 years, 6 months is just a blink.

 

Yes I am still NC and need to stop seeing the guy I have been dating. It didn't go to a physical level so not much more than a friend really.

 

Yes, Better times ahead!

 

Poppy.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I think it often has to do with being in a bad place when you meet somebody. It doesn't have to mean you have a deep psychological problem.

 

Poppy.

 

Thank you, Poppy! Just talked to a friend this evening about what the initial attraction between me and MM was. She was a WS who made it out of her A with another WS (who still tries to reconnect with her a year later). I related to her how MM & I connected on every level, and she said MM & I connected because there was something broken in each of us. Tough to swallow because I was the epitome of single, put together woman before this mess. How much responsibility is mine? How much belongs to MM? For me, sorting through this muck is part of processing, healing, growing. Ironically, I think I find it easier to take more responsibility because then I have control to fix it, to not let it happen again, rather than blaming MM (who clearly has many of his own issues that he chooses to ignore by being a passive-aggressive, dishonest, cheating, cake-eater). Blaming MM makes me feel like a disempowered victim. Who knows? What are your thoughts on this? Any one else have thoughts on where to draw the "responsibility line?"

[daydreambeliever]

I think I'm going to start concentrating on other things.

I really want a baby,I'm so very broody and would love a child