End of Affair Recuperation--which is harder?

[Bufo]

This is a general question but aimed at those who have bee OW or OM.

 

It seems to me that most affair endings are one of two types. Of course

 

I know some just sputter out and die over time. But most are either (1) discovery by BS or (2) ended by OW/OM voluntarily.

 

Which is harder to survive? The discovery type often ends an affair abruptly without warning whereas the voluntary type is the result of many thoughts and/or incidents which lead to the end of the affair.

 

Any thoughts or critiques welcomed.

[Chica80]

I am not "out" yet. I've tried to leave end it NC/LC you name it... I'm always the one to want to end things, he has at times said things like we need to cool it down or slow down. But never cut me totally off. I'm also the one that always comes back.

 

For me as crazy as it sounds sometimes I wish there was a DDAY only because I think that would be the only way things would end. I anticipate it would be more painful, as I would probably just get cut out. Things would end and be over.

 

I would say BS finding out is worse. You have no control there.

Versus if you as OW/OM ended things you have the choice it's not taken from you.

[spideywoman]

hi there.

 

i have only had one affair experience and it ended voluntarily.not clear whether it has ended. he's in LC right now. it's beyond extremely painful _ the feeling of rejection, abandonment. it was a choice and the choice was not me. i am speaking purely as a human being. not commenting on the ethics / morals or lack thereof of affairs.

 

that being said, i am very well aware that the alternative could have and very likely would have been much, much worse even though i haven't personally gone through it. i would say the end of an affair due to a DD is worse. not only does the above exist, but there's also the added catastrophe and fallout of a discovery and the other people it affects. right now, the only two people affected to a certain extreme are me and the MM.

[HeCantBreakMe]

This is a general question but aimed at those who have bee OW or OM.

 

It seems to me that most affair endings are one of two types. Of course

 

I know some just sputter out and die over time. But most are either (1) discovery by BS or (2) ended by OW/OM voluntarily.

 

Which is harder to survive? The discovery type often ends an affair abruptly without warning whereas the voluntary type is the result of many thoughts and/or incidents which lead to the end of the affair.

 

Any thoughts or critiques welcomed.

 

Honestly- there is no one which is 'harder' in my opinion. They are all difficult and soul destroying. There is no closure in affairs - none. The closure has to come from within and that is probably the hardest part of the end of affairs.

 

I think you said the right word "survive" because the ending of an affair (not matter how it happens) is about survival. As long as you are moving forward there is no wrong move to surviving but that is all you do for quite some time is quite literally survive from one day to the next, from one second to the next. It is a soul searching process because again the ending has to come from within and that is strength is something most of us who got into an affair lacked in the first place.

[Chica80]

I also think it depends on your inner, subconscious reasons for starting A.

 

I have deep fears of abandonment and fear of intimacy. (Things I am working on IC). So being left, discarded would be very painful for me and create deeper wounds to the ones already there.

 

A couple of months ago, he said something to the effect of slowing down or being careful. I asked if something had happened and he wouldn't tell me. For days I felt sick, anxious. It's ok for me to leave him. To end things to move on. It has to be me. Because those are my issues.

 

But some spouses who truly were remorseful and just didn't know how to get out, want to get caught. It's a sense of relief.

 

So like everything else in A's it depends.....

[BuddyX]

Not sure this question is relevant. It's like asking "how do you want to die, burn or drown?"

 

How about we focus on ways you can avoid the situation. NC is the only way to go. If you're not doing NC you're fooling yourself, And prolonging the pain.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is a general question but aimed at those who have bee OW or OM.

 

It seems to me that most affair endings are one of two types. Of course

 

I know some just sputter out and die over time. But most are either (1) discovery by BS or (2) ended by OW/OM voluntarily.

 

Which is harder to survive? The discovery type often ends an affair abruptly without warning whereas the voluntary type is the result of many thoughts and/or incidents which lead to the end of the affair.

 

Any thoughts or critiques welcomed.

 

In both situations there is the feeling of not being good enough to being in a real relationship but the discovery one is harder because typically the other person gets immediately dropped and ignored. At least if it is you walking away, it hurts and sucks, but you have your pride.

 

Even if you only get to talk away from the friends request, which is what I got to do, it's something. Tis better to ignore than be ignored.

 

Here's a question though - is it better to be single or married after it's over? I can tell you - it's better to be single. Being married after its over is a living hell.

[OneLov]

From the perspective of the OW/M, I'm sure discovery would be worse for the simple fact that it wasn't a choice. As painful as I'd imagine ending a relationship due to the circumstances and not the feelings would be, I'm sure the having some power in the form of a choice and knowing you did the right thing would bring some comfort.

[Lovetoohard]

I think the OW/OM leaving voluntarily is much easier to stomach. There's a sense of empowerment knowing that you made the choice to re-gain your self respect and maintain your dignity by walking away head held high. It's still tough to get over because there will always be an open question as to whether the MM/MW would have really ever left and if so, what would a "real" relationship have been like? But as time wears on, the answer to those questions don't matter because you realize that given the level of deceit, a relationship with the AP would be missing the very basic of what is required in a relationship - trust.

 

I think if there was a DD, it would just be a bigger mess and would require potential involvement with having to explain things to the spouse, perhaps being dragged into some kind of a legal battle, seeing how the MM/MW reacts to desperately regain control of their marriage by shoving the OW/OM under the bus, etc. It would be much, much uglier.

[imsosad]

In both situations there is the feeling of not being good enough to being in a real relationship but the discovery one is harder because typically the other person gets immediately dropped and ignored. At least if it is you walking away, it hurts and sucks, but you have your pride.

 

Even if you only get to talk away from the friends request, which is what I got to do, it's something. Tis better to ignore than be ignored.

 

Here's a question though - is it better to be single or married after it's over? I can tell you - it's better to be single. Being married after its over is a living hell.

 

Totally agree with you,MB.

Being married in the aftermath of an A is torture. I felt like my M was tainted, by my own fault.

I couldn't grieve, I had to seem normal. I did not disclose then, and looking back I know now that I was terribly misguided to think I could reconcile with my H without disclosing.Not possible.

Being songle allows you a brand new start,a clean slate.

Dday followed by being dropped and going in to forced NC seems like hell, but it does drive the point home. You also just have no choice but deal with it.

Walking away gives you a sense of control and dignity, but it leaves a temptation to go back, you know you can, just one little message...

So, it hurts either way and sucks all around.

[Lovetoohard]

Either way, it's all very self destructive. Clawing your way out of the deep, dark, black hole and away from the mess is the best way forward.

[imperfectangel]

I ended it with my after he told me he would always be married.

 

What's the point if there's no end goal?

 

It is hard. How he feels I have no idea as I haven't heard from him since I ended it nearly 2 weeks ago

[Cyra]

We tried a couple of times to end it but it never worked, he would always come back and I was in too deep so I let him. It can work if you are strong and determined person who can just walk away. I wasnt.

When DDay happened, I was indeed dropped like a hot potato, discarded and deleted from everywhere. It is painful but I have no choice in the matter, just have to deal with it. There is no 'hope' left, no silent expectation that he may change his mind and come back, I no longer have to put my life on hold waiting around for him. In a way I have been forced to move on, which I was not able to do when the choice was mine. So in a way for me that was preferable. I can see his true colors now and there is no misguided hope, no delusions left about him.

[Poppy47]

There has only been one affair in my life.

 

I chose to end it . There was no DD in 8 years.

 

Looking back, I know I failed to explain it correctly to xMM. There were too many reasons and I could have written a novel. It was simply a matter of being tired of the constraints of the affair.

 

Either way, it would never be easy. No DD was a relief to me and no doubt to xMM. An easier ending all round.

 

Poppy.

[Southern Sun]

It also depends on your end goal...what you actually WANT.

 

Sometimes a D Day just gets the damn thing over with. If you want out of the affair, while it can be a coward's way out (if you used it that way), it can be over in a flash. Although I don't think it's cowardly for an OW/OM to end it bc of a D Day. That might just be the wake up call they needed to say, you know? I'm out.

 

If you try to end the affair voluntarily, for some reason they are just really hard to end. One party or the other usually pops back up, looking for another round.

 

As far as recovery goes, it's all horrible. Probably the only time someone might say there is "easy" recovery is when a person wasn't emotionally invested and just walked away, no big discoveries, no big deal. And you have to understand - the WS may not even be emotionally invested in the OP...but they are invested in the experience. They are getting something important to THEM out of it. Or if the affair was able to run its course and there was some sort of agreeable end. Which like, never happens.

[Ahurtgirl]

Affairs ending because of a DD are a disaster. If I could go back in time I would end it before my xMM ended things due to a DD. He was screaming at me that this was all my fault and horrible things. He literally went ballistic at me. I had nightmares for an entire month where he would be screaming at me in my dreaming. The healing process is way worse after a DDay. He maybe felt relief after as he was able to tell his wife about us but he didn't share with her about the secondary online affairs he was also having while he was seeing me those four years and he had been in an emotional affair with a coworker for two years before meeting me, so his wife is only partly aware of who he really is. So if a Dday occurs, the current mistress is the one that gets blamed but all his other affairs that did not have a DDay are protected and just have to heal quietly which unless you want to be utterly destroyed, that is a better ending.