Praying for reconciliation

[road]

Doing the work to recover. Good for you.

[mikeylo]

Your wife is an angel ! You are a lucky guy.

[Regretful one]

Just thought Id post this here and get some input. My wife sent me this v-log this morning. Its worth a watch for both betrayed and unfaithful.

 

https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/are-you-or-your-spouse-experiencing-delayed-anger

 

 

Before D-Day My wife was fairly happy go lucky. She was usually in a good mood and while there were ups and downs she was typically nice to be around. Since D-Day she is obviously dealing with a lot. Im not so naive to be confused as to why this is but I do sometimes finding myself wonder if she will ever get back to being happy around me. I understand what I have done has created a situation where she is hurt beyond description and has no trust and believes our marriage to be a big lie. She has said she does want to work on us and see if we have a chance. There are days where I can do and say everything as I should (being supportive, taking responsibility, answering questions, being loving, helping in all ways possible around the house etc. etc.) and it can sometimes seem to make her even more upset. She will often seem fine/happy and in good spirits when around others then flip a switch when we are alone or when texting me. I know from EMS, reading, hearing mentor couples share their stories etc. that its part of the process. I understand this is all normal. I know it should pass in time if properly worked through. I get all that.

 

It gets depressing to have someone mad at you so much of the time. Likewise, Im sure its depressing for her to be so sad and angry much of the time - again let me be clear so I don't receive a big backlash, I understand what I did turned her world upside down. I take full responsibility. She did nothing to deserve what Ive done. I made terrible choices that has destroyed much or all of what my wife though to be true about me.

 

So with that disclaimer, how have you betrayed and you unfaithful (especially those working towards reconciliation) dealt with this? Dealing with a lot of sadness mixed with anger from her and I find myself wondering if I will ever see a day where she enjoys my company consistently again? We are only 3.5 months past D-Day so I understand there is a long road ahead and plenty more sadness and anger to deal with and work through. I know we are really early in all of this. I just find myself sometimes asking if I can ever realistically expect her to be happy around me again.

 

Thoughts?

[elaine567]

So difficult to say.

Like a major bereavement, some people process it and come out the other side almost "normal" and find happiness again, others never really get over it and it seriously affects them till the day they die.

It is similar kind of situation - the death of a marriage, the death of the person she thought you were, the death of the future she thought she had with you...

[mikeylo]

I'm neither unfaithful nor a betrayed spouse. My thoughts are based on my long married life.Take it or leave it.

 

The old saying ' when you love someone, you give them the power to hurt you'. She doesnt love those people with whom she is happy with ( or pretending to be happy ). She loved ( loves ? ) you and you hurt her. Her open, unguarded heart is now on guard. She doesnt want to be taken for a fool again. When she now sees you, she sees the remorse, the trying etc etc but she is also trying to see for any signs that you could still be cheating that she missed earlier.

 

She is probably scared to be happy now ? What if her world comes crashing down again? She wants real happiness not fake. And that is going to take time.

 

If and when she sees you happy, its going to make her angry.A lot more angry than you can imagine. Its like a slap on her face.

 

Start dating again. Bring on the little things that put a smile on her face but be very careful to not make her regret that she smiled ! That will make her curl back in her safety net that tells her to not be happy because later she has to pay a huge cost for that little moment of happiness.

 

I'm sure she also doesnt like having to keep a watch on you.Its going to be draining for her.

 

Just know that more than you, she wants to be back to her happy go lucky again. This time, its on you to bring her to that stage.

 

I hope you guys survive because it does seem she wants to and so do you but its a lot of hard work on your end.

[merrmeade]

Before D-Day My wife was fairly happy go lucky. She was usually in a good mood and while there were ups and downs she was typically nice to be around. Since D-Day she is obviously dealing with a lot. Im not so naive to be confused as to why this is but I do sometimes finding myself wonder if she will ever get back to being happy around me. I understand what I have done has created a situation where she is hurt beyond description and has no trust and believes our marriage to be a big lie. She has said she does want to work on us and see if we have a chance. There are days where I can do and say everything as I should (being supportive, taking responsibility, answering questions, being loving, helping in all ways possible around the house etc. etc.) and it can sometimes seem to make her even more upset. She will often seem fine/happy and in good spirits when around others then flip a switch when we are alone or when texting me. I know from EMS, reading, hearing mentor couples share their stories etc. that its part of the process. I understand this is all normal. I know it should pass in time if properly worked through. I get all that.

 

It gets depressing to have someone mad at you so much of the time. Likewise, Im sure its depressing for her to be so sad and angry much of the time - again let me be clear so I don't receive a big backlash, I understand what I did turned her world upside down. I take full responsibility. She did nothing to deserve what Ive done. I made terrible choices that has destroyed much or all of what my wife though to be true about me.

I think each stage of recovery brings new insight and reactions. I was like your wife. In fact, in chirpy conversations with my sister-in-law and OW, who'd taken anti-deporessants most vof her adult life, I used to call myself a ''rubber ducky" that popped upright again after hardship and disappointment because of the innate properties of (rubber). Then for a long time the knowledge of her secret sliminess with my husband literally changed my innate resilient constitution to one that sank. Just one of many ironies However, after purging her from my life I. have slowly begun to reclaim my molecular birthright .

 

It takes time and the realization that you are in charge of your own happiness andcsense of self. I would add it's both a couples journey and an individual one, and being accountable to her is part of your individual recovery. Becoming her own independent agent responsible for HER decisions and reactions to ithers' cruelty is her individual struggle.

 

For me, I also have to see whether my H's changes (and don't get me wrong - I DO credit him with working and adapting to my needs) are compatible with my own since we seem to be doing much of this without regular verbal affirmation. You may see this now, but she may need some time to have worked through the NECESSARY stages of anger, grief, etc.

 

She needs your outward display of patience and understanding. You need it to be so on the inside, too. Probably here is where the group work and availability of the peer networking will help you. My personal reaction to your expression of impatient consternation at this point is that, hmmm, good to see you really aren't a saint and gratuitive selfishness is a natural fallback you must resist.

 

But bottom line? Even rubber duckies may need help from pharmaceutical intervention. We owe a lot to Wellbutrin, and there's no shame in that. My thoughts...

Edited December 2, 2016 by merrmeade

[mikeylo]

OP, you are in a risky place. Since you are feeling better overall but your wife isn't there yet with her trust , happiness etc. and you are finding it depressing to be around her, You might fall back into chatting up another woman (women) who are not in your wife's unhappy state at the moment. You will again have a mood uplift while she is still mending her broken heart. She is there because of you, not by her choice but because of your selfish choices.

 

You have to now open her guarded heart with patience and genuine love.

 

Do you think she wants to be closed off ? No one wants to but betrayal makes people guarded and scared to open again.

 

Anyways, my concern being that you might go looking for happy times elsewhere.

[BTDT2012]

So with that disclaimer, how have you betrayed and you unfaithful (especially those working towards reconciliation) dealt with this? Dealing with a lot of sadness mixed with anger from her and I find myself wondering if I will ever see a day where she enjoys my company consistently again? We are only 3.5 months past D-Day so I understand there is a long road ahead and plenty more sadness and anger to deal with and work through. I know we are really early in all of this. I just find myself sometimes asking if I can ever realistically expect her to be happy around me again.

 

Thoughts?

Betrayed spouse here. Time, transparency, consistency. She is giving you a gift, be thankful. We are two years into working on actual reconciliation; there was a period of false reconciliation, followed by separation. She will never be exactly the same, and you have to accept that. Actions have consequences. She will find a way to be happy around you again, or she will leave you. What you should not do is express to her any impatience regarding the pace of her recovery. When she is sad or angry, acknowledge her feelings, and accept responsibility for your part in making her feel that way. Be open. I wish you all the best.

[merrmeade]

Betrayed spouse here. Time, transparency, consistency. She is giving you a gift, be thankful. We are two years into working on actual reconciliation; there was a period of false reconciliation, followed by separation. She will never be exactly the same, and you have to accept that. Actions have consequences. She will find a way to be happy around you again, or she will leave you. What you should not do is express to her any impatience regarding the pace of her recovery. When she is sad or angry, acknowledge her feelings, and accept responsibility for your part in making her feel that way. Be open. I wish you all the best.

This sums it up and hits the core with key concepts—time, transparency, consistency, gratitude, understanding. I'm glad someone said it, but I thought that SURELY you know this by now. In fact, I was a little shocked at the first evidence of impatience. I know for a fact you've read it or heard it at your retreat.

 

I have to admit I was a bit discouraged that, at the end of this moving thread documenting your humility and education about yourself and infidelity, you could complain: "It gets depressing to have someone mad at you so much of the time." You heard this already and know it intellectually if not emotionally.

[mikeylo]

Exactly !

 

You put in the right words. I mean, instead of looking it this way -- his cheating changed her from a happy person to this sad , depressed person , he is upset that she is not happy !

 

How can a woman whose husband has been seeing so many women be happy after few weeks?

 

Not to be insensitive OP, but you talked about your childhood issues. You are now a grown man but still carrying the hurt, arent you? How long did it take you to be really happy from within ? You brought those issues into this relationship as well. Shouldnt you be over them by now?

 

" she was typically nice to be around " You are being extremely insensitive. Her forgiveness and giving you a chance is making you go over the top of yourself.

 

Take Care !

[dreamingoftigers]

I think each stage of recovery brings new insight and reactions. I was like your wife. In fact, in chirpy conversations with my sister-in-law and OW, who'd taken anti-deporessants most vof her adult life, I used to call myself a ''rubber ducky" that popped upright again after hardship and disappointment because of the innate properties of (rubber). Then for a long time the knowledge of her secret sliminess with my husband literally changed my innate resilient constitution to one that sank. Just one of many ironies However, after purging her from my life I. have slowly begun to reclaim my molecular birthright .

 

It takes time and the realization that you are in charge of your own happiness andcsense of self. I would add it's both a couples journey and an individual one, and being accountable to her is part of your individual recovery. Becoming her own independent agent responsible for HER decisions and reactions to ithers' cruelty is her individual struggle.

 

For me, I also have to see whether my H's changes (and don't get me wrong - I DO credit him with working and adapting to my needs) are compatible with my own since we seem to be doing much of this without regular verbal affirmation. You may see this now, but she may need some time to have worked through the NECESSARY stages of anger, grief, etc.

 

She needs your outward display of patience and understanding. You need it to be so on the inside, too. Probably here is where the group work and availability of the peer networking will help you. My personal reaction to your expression of impatient consternation at this point is that, hmmm, good to see you really aren't a saint and gratuitive selfishness is a natural fallback you must resist.

 

But bottom line? Even rubber duckies may need help from pharmaceutical intervention. We owe a lot to Wellbutrin, and there's no shame in that. My thoughts...

 

You're lucky. I had quite the reaction to Wellbutrin. It filled me with rage instead of the depressed sadness I was rather used to.

 

I'm sure there's more than a few homicides that involved Wellbutrin. I'm not kidding.

 

Luckily, the only thing damaged at the time was a lasagna that I threw. And not AT anyone.

 

I never experienced rage like that before or since. Be careful with your pharma people!

[merrmeade]

You're lucky. I had quite the reaction to Wellbutrin. It filled me with rage instead of the depressed sadness I was rather used to.

 

I'm sure there's more than a few homicides that involved Wellbutrin. I'm not kidding.

 

Luckily, the only thing damaged at the time was a lasagna that I threw. And not AT anyone.

 

I never experienced rage like that before or since. Be careful with your pharma people!

It's been several months. No rage and I'm "off the couch." Feels like there's a net preventing falls to the bottom.

 

But always be careful and have a good provider monitoring reactions and incremental increases. It's really up to her anyway - or whoever the patient.

[Regretful one]

I was a little shocked at the first evidence of impatience. I know for a fact you've read it or heard it at your retreat.

 

I have to admit I was a bit discouraged that, at the end of this moving thread documenting your humility and education about yourself and infidelity, you could complain: "It gets depressing to have someone mad at you so much of the time." You heard this already and know it intellectually if not emotionally.

 

Thanks for the post. Wasn't meant to be a complaint, more of an observation. One of the guys I met at our retreat (who is also an unfaithful) and I text often. We were talking the other day after we each had an especially rough day which is what lead to the previous post.

 

To me, wondering if things can ever get to a point where my wife enjoys being around me would be a common feeling/thought by an unfaithful especially when they felt they were doing everything they could. Even though "we" are the cause of all of this it doesn't change the fact that we have fears, pain, questions and bad days too. Being the cause of this doesn't change that. Keeping those thoughts, fears questions etc. to myself is the wrong approach I believe. Being transparent even on bad days and expressing these thoughts/questions to my wife or in a healthy way is the way to do it. Not looking for any sympathy - was simply asking for thoughts.

 

But comments about remaining patient are well taken and I do know this. I didn't mean to sound impatient by wondering about the future.

 

A recent assignment I did was write a letter to myself as if my wife had written it. I think it will be good for my wife to hear what Ive written. It was difficult to write and will be difficult to read to her. Her assignment was to write a letter from me to her stating what she would like to hear.

Edited December 4, 2016 by Regretful one

[harrybrown]

Glad you did get some good help from affair recovery.

 

Hope you do realize the wonderful gift that your wife has given to you.

 

Please tell her how much you appreciate the gift.

 

good luck to you and your family.

[merrmeade]

Truly dont mean to discourage. No one progresses steadily forward and part of progress is increasing self-awareness. You're doing great.

[BTDT2012]

regretfulone, you and your wife were on my mind. How are things going?

[Regretful one]

regretfulone, you and your wife were on my mind. How are things going?

 

Have not been on here for some time. Late response - sorry.

 

Things are ok. I guess thats the best way to put it. We are about 5 1/2 months past D-Day. In some ways it seems like things are getting better and yet there are other times where things seem like they are getting worse. I suppose its all part of the process.

 

My wife still has moments almost daily when she cries and is very sad. She struggles with the sadness of knowing that our marriage (and I) wasn't what she thought it was. There are other times almost daily when she is very cold and sometimes mean. And then there are also times when she is very loving. I do my best to be understanding and empathetic to however she feels but it is difficult. I know Im the cause of it all and there is no one to blame other than myself but Id be lying if I said that living like this is easy.

 

Divorce is still "on the table". She is not wearing her wedding ring and our counselor has driven home that she needs to decide what is best for her. If we stay together it needs to be because she has chosen me and us. It can't be a situation where perpetual punishment exists otherwise it won't work and neither of us would be happy. Ultimately we both want to be happy. I want her in my life and I want to stay married. I want to spend the rest of my life loving her as I should have been doing all along. But should she chose divorce I will support her decision and still pray for her happiness and work at making that happen for her.

 

So right now I think we are just working on ourselves a lot. She is obviously also still watching me. Looking for defensiveness. Looking for setbacks. Looking for signs of old behaviors. For me I don't recognize the person I was 6 months ago and am thankful to be where I am. Im guessing as time goes by things will continue to improve - at least thats what many say happens.. We are both going to counseling and both doing work on our own in support groups. I have faith that she will eventually be able to forgive me - at least to a point. I believe we will stay married and will eventually find happiness. But right now its very much one day at a time still.

[BTDT2012]

Thanks for coming back with an update. Just remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. At two years+, there are days that I still question my decision to work on reconciliation. All the best to you.

[BTDT2012]

How are things going?

[Regretful one]

Hmmm... looks like its been almost 5 years since Ive posted here.  I honestly forgot about this forum then earlier today I received email notices that someone reacted to several of my posts which lead me back here.  Spent some time skimming over posts.  There are so many it would take hours to read them all but I read several - mostly my own posts which were enlightening.  A lot of time has passed.  It will be 6 years out in August from D day.

 

Through many ups and downs Im happy to report that I am still married.  Im fortunate.  I don't deserve my wife or the forgiveness, trust, acceptance that she has given me.  This is not to say that Ive fully been forgiven or am fully trusted as Im not and possibly never will be but that is up to my wife.  I do however believe that I am worthy of these things - while at the same time know what I am capable of.

Not long after my last post (if memory serves) my wife decided she wanted another separation.  We bought a second home and she moved out and into that home.  It's what she wanted.  I resisted but it was what had to be done.  A few months after that she moved back home and we haven't been apart since.  We continue to go to counseling. The same counselor. Reconciliation is and probably will remain to be a process we work though. I certainly wouldn't say we are there yet.   My wife still has pain - daily.  hourly perhaps.  But we are doing well.  We laugh again and in most ways have a much better marriage than before.  My infidelity is a part of our marriage and while its in the past it will remain part of our lives.  It took me a while to accept that it isn't something we could just move on from.  I will occasionally get irritated or defensive when my infidelity is brought up in counseling or at home.  I hate to admit that but its true and it reveals that I still have work to do on myself.  

I appreciated that I was reminded of this thread and forum today.  It gave me a chance to pause and remember where I (we) once were.  It gave me a chance to be reminded of the great pain ive caused my wife and family because of many terrible choices.  I used the reminder to stop what I was doing and contemplate where Ive been and where I am today.  I took some time to tell my wife again how sorry I am for not only my decisions in my (our) past but also for not doing a better job these days of seeing the pain she still has. Thats something I need to do a better job of.  I hate that I still am not the husband she deserves but will continue to try to be.  If you read this my love, I am so so sorry that I have caused you so much pain.  I am so so sorry that you continue to hurt like you do.  I am so hopeful for our future and so thankful that I still have a future with you. 

[Milly May June]

All the best on your R journey OP. If you want to get input from other former waywards on how you can better react when your past is brought up I can recommend a site called survivinginfidelity.com. Maybe you know of it?

Thet have a wayward forum section with some very insightful former waywards that could offer some insight and maybe advice.

Best of luck to you and your wife!

[Jonttu]

On 1/17/2022 at 7:37 PM, Regretful one said:

Hmmm... looks like its been almost 5 years since Ive posted here.  I honestly forgot about this forum then earlier today I received email notices that someone reacted to several of my posts which lead me back here.  Spent some time skimming over posts.  There are so many it would take hours to read them all but I read several - mostly my own posts which were enlightening.  A lot of time has passed.  It will be 6 years out in August from D day.

 

Through many ups and downs Im happy to report that I am still married.  Im fortunate.  I don't deserve my wife or the forgiveness, trust, acceptance that she has given me.  This is not to say that Ive fully been forgiven or am fully trusted as Im not and possibly never will be but that is up to my wife.  I do however believe that I am worthy of these things - while at the same time know what I am capable of.

Not long after my last post (if memory serves) my wife decided she wanted another separation.  We bought a second home and she moved out and into that home.  It's what she wanted.  I resisted but it was what had to be done.  A few months after that she moved back home and we haven't been apart since.  We continue to go to counseling. The same counselor. Reconciliation is and probably will remain to be a process we work though. I certainly wouldn't say we are there yet.   My wife still has pain - daily.  hourly perhaps.  But we are doing well.  We laugh again and in most ways have a much better marriage than before.  My infidelity is a part of our marriage and while its in the past it will remain part of our lives.  It took me a while to accept that it isn't something we could just move on from.  I will occasionally get irritated or defensive when my infidelity is brought up in counseling or at home.  I hate to admit that but its true and it reveals that I still have work to do on myself.  

I appreciated that I was reminded of this thread and forum today.  It gave me a chance to pause and remember where I (we) once were.  It gave me a chance to be reminded of the great pain ive caused my wife and family because of many terrible choices.  I used the reminder to stop what I was doing and contemplate where Ive been and where I am today.  I took some time to tell my wife again how sorry I am for not only my decisions in my (our) past but also for not doing a better job these days of seeing the pain she still has. Thats something I need to do a better job of.  I hate that I still am not the husband she deserves but will continue to try to be.  If you read this my love, I am so so sorry that I have caused you so much pain.  I am so so sorry that you continue to hurt like you do.  I am so hopeful for our future and so thankful that I still have a future with you. 

Best of luck to both of you. Reading your thread and how beautifully you spoke and speak of of your wife brought me to tears. Your story gives hope and strenght to those, who are still struggling. Thank You, both of you. God Bless.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Regretful one, I missed reading your thread earlier. I have now skimmed through it and all I can say is that you have fought the good fight and come out successfully at the other end! For that I congratulate you and wish both you and your wife all the very best for the future. Sure you are not completely out of the woods yet, but you have proved that you have the stamina and the patience and perseverance to make a success of your reconciliation and your marriage. Warm regards.

[heartwhole2]

Glad to read your update. I feel my fWH and I are in a similar place. Infidelity isn't something you just forget or get over, but it's an unfortunately common human experience and something that can you can survive and learn from. If you use it as an opportunity to become better people, well, that's something.