MAM Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. When we first started dating, everything was perfect. But a year into our relationship things started to change. He become controlling and manipulative. He takes things was too seriously and I'm not even allowed to be myself. I put up with it for a while but after have panic attacks and crying myself to sleep, I decided enough was enough and I told him if he was going to keep doing this them I would leave. Of course he was like "I'll change please don't leave I love you so much" blah blah blah so I gave him another chance. Fast forward to the present and things are better, but not perfect. I don't expect a perfect relationship, however, that's not the problem. I've been developing feelings for another guy. I work with this other guy so I see him a lot and we talk in a way I don't get to with my boyfriend. He is kind and sweet and actually listens to my problems and seems to care about what I have to say. I get excited everytime I see him at work and I get the same butterflies for him that I used to get when I saw my boyfriend. I haven't cheated or anything but I feel awful that I'm thinking about this other guy when I'm with my boyfriend and I can't fall asleep at night because of it. I want to break up with my boyfriend and I have for awhile now but I can't bring myself to do it. I love him more than anything but I'm not happy anymore and I honestly have no idea what to do. I can't talk to anybody about this because I'm afraid of what would happen if he found out. So, advice would be happily accepted! Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Of course no one can help who they have feelings for, please at the very least inform your boyfriend, be honest with him, and then leave if you must. Being honest in situations like this is always the best way to go. Taking the path of least resistance and doing something that would call your integrity into question is something that affects more than yourself. And we are judged by our actions, as much, if not more than our words So please do yourself and your boyfriend a favor and be honest with him. Sure he is going to suffer in the short term, and be upset especially if he has made the necessary changes that you requested. But he, just like you, deserves to have someone that will love him and remain faithful. Taking that leap into infidelity or trying to juggle two people is something you can't take back. People always forget that making changes don't come with guarantees in relationships. Sometimes, when we are done, we are done. You are lucky in that most people who face this conundrum come here after actually cheating on their partner. You have not as of yet. So your situation could actually come out better since you have not taken the leap Just give him that much respect and break up with him so you both can pursue other options without foul deeds on your conscience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 You need to break up with your boyfriend. You're not married with children and have no obligation to him. You have already been through too much drama in 2 years and what you have been through is not an indication of a healthy relationship. You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who makes you feel happy. I would recommend getting a male friend or family member involved if you fear for your safety when your tell your boyfriend. Don't let fear keep you from moving on....that alone should tell you that you're with the wrong person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Dating is the job interview for marriage. Your BF has failed. He is not your only job applicant. Marrying your BF will not make the relationship better so cut your loses now and dump him. Do not cheat anymore. Yes you are cheating. Do you know that there are two types of affairs? PA, physical affair and EA, emotional affair. When in a relationship you never confide in another man about your relationship. You never say or do anything that with another man that your BF would not be happy to find out what you are saying and doing with another man. You looking forward to and enjoying you relationship with this OM so much is because you have emotionally invested to much into this OM. You are having an emotional affair. Being you are not married I would not tell your BF about the EA just dump him and learn from your mistake and never have another EA again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Dump your BF. I was in an abusive relationship and sure things go ok for a little while, but not for long. I am all too familiar of the "Please don't leave me I will change" crap. They end up back to the abusive behavior and the cycle starts again. You are just comfortable with your BF, but not in love....you are on the edge. A lot of people find themselves in your situation...it's a sign that your relationship with your BF has run it's course and you should move onto a new experience. You need to gather up the courage to make your escape. Just my 2 cents 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Think about how your would feel, if your boyfriend dumped you for another woman. So do what you want, but breakup before connecting with the new guy. Maybe take it slow. The new guy gets the advantage of the new love rush. He may be a fantasy, but breakup before cheating. And the new guy may be a player. You will have to find out. But many times, start looking without the rose colored glasses. Link to post Share on other sites
fenix Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. When we first started dating, everything was perfect. But a year into our relationship things started to change. He become controlling and manipulative. He takes things was too seriously and I'm not even allowed to be myself. I put up with it for a while but after have panic attacks and crying myself to sleep, I decided enough was enough and I told him if he was going to keep doing this them I would leave. Of course he was like "I'll change please don't leave I love you so much" blah blah blah so I gave him another chance. Fast forward to the present and things are better, but not perfect. I don't expect a perfect relationship, however, that's not the problem. I've been developing feelings for another guy. I work with this other guy so I see him a lot and we talk in a way I don't get to with my boyfriend. He is kind and sweet and actually listens to my problems and seems to care about what I have to say. I get excited everytime I see him at work and I get the same butterflies for him that I used to get when I saw my boyfriend. I haven't cheated or anything but I feel awful that I'm thinking about this other guy when I'm with my boyfriend and I can't fall asleep at night because of it. I want to break up with my boyfriend and I have for awhile now but I can't bring myself to do it. I love him more than anything but I'm not happy anymore and I honestly have no idea what to do. I can't talk to anybody about this because I'm afraid of what would happen if he found out. So, advice would be happily accepted! Well, at the end of it ... it looks like your boyfriend had a good reason to be controlling didn't him? If you allowed yourself to get into a position where you have developed feeling for another guy then it means you were not really behaving in the proper ways you are claiming you were. Be honest about all this with your boyfriend, he deserves the truth! Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 Should have left him at the first sign of manipulative behavior really. It just gets messy from there on. If a girlfriend was giving me panic attacks I'd be out the door. You're also looking at other men now, so its really time to move on. Best end it with him now before more pain is caused. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
An1n Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 It's a crap feeling to be controlled and manipulative. No one should ever have panic attacks and cry themselves to sleep over a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
An1n Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Im going through a very similar situation. Except I'm the boyfriend Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Could you please elaborate on how he is being controlling? Be specific. Some people throw that "controlling" word around pretty liberally... Like "my boyfriend doesn't want me to sext other dudes... he's trying to control me" That = not controlling, that's your boyfriend expecting loyalty I'm not saying this is you, but please elaborate for us here what's going on... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Im going through a very similar situation. Except I'm the boyfriend I hear you, but from a different perspective... I caught my long term, live-in girlfriend having an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend, she tried to pull this bull**** "controlling" thing on me because I wasn't "letting her flirt" with and sext with other guys She was gaslighting me, blame shifting and throwing out words like "controlling" and "manipulative" on me Yeah, I was... I was expecting her to be monogamous. I was telling her straight up that she needs to go NC with this one guy as a condition of our continued relationship... I was willing to look the other way on her past with this guy if she did this. But i was controlling for not letter he be a cake eater. So I look at these sorts of things with a bit of skepticism until I have more info... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 I hear you, but from a different perspective... I caught my long term, live-in girlfriend having an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend, she tried to pull this bull**** "controlling" thing on me because I wasn't "letting her flirt" with and sext with other guys She was gaslighting me, blame shifting and throwing out words like "controlling" and "manipulative" on me Yeah, I was... I was expecting her to be monogamous. I was telling her straight up that she needs to go NC with this one guy as a condition of our continued relationship... I was willing to look the other way on her past with this guy if she did this. But i was controlling for not letter he be a cake eater. So I look at these sorts of things with a bit of skepticism until I have more info... This, 100%. So many woman come in here cheating or have cheated and claim controller when in reality they have a boyfriend/husband who simply won't accept them acting single. Then other woman jump on with and the abuser card gets played. Simply put objecting isn't controlling it's making boundaries known, women who struggle with boundaries will find it controlling. They can't set and hold boundaries for themselves so they don't want anyone else too either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Looks like it's one of those post and dash folks. The OP has never responded...... Link to post Share on other sites
Herbalist Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Looks like it's one of those post and dash folks. The OP has never responded...... Hmm yeah seems to be so. Too bad, too. If they are only able to come to terms with the reality that they need to break up and move on, when something better comes into their view, then it means they haven't addressed the real underlying problem. So it will probably just happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 I think they read the first few, didn't like what they saw, and posted on another website. Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. When we first started dating, everything was perfect. But a year into our relationship things started to change. He become controlling and manipulative. He takes things was too seriously and I'm not even allowed to be myself. I put up with it for a while but after have panic attacks and crying myself to sleep, I decided enough was enough and I told him if he was going to keep doing this them I would leave. Of course he was like "I'll change please don't leave I love you so much" blah blah blah so I gave him another chance. Fast forward to the present and things are better, but not perfect. I don't expect a perfect relationship, however, that's not the problem. I've been developing feelings for another guy. I work with this other guy so I see him a lot and we talk in a way I don't get to with my boyfriend. He is kind and sweet and actually listens to my problems and seems to care about what I have to say. I get excited everytime I see him at work and I get the same butterflies for him that I used to get when I saw my boyfriend. I haven't cheated or anything but I feel awful that I'm thinking about this other guy when I'm with my boyfriend and I can't fall asleep at night because of it. I want to break up with my boyfriend and I have for awhile now but I can't bring myself to do it. I love him more than anything but I'm not happy anymore and I honestly have no idea what to do. I can't talk to anybody about this because I'm afraid of what would happen if he found out. So, advice would be happily accepted! It's time to move on Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Break up with your boyfriend and just be single. Because, if you break up with him and he learns that you're dating someone your working with, then you're going to hear about how you were cheating on him and you can say that you didn't cheat until the cows come home but he's going to believe otherwise to make sense of why you broke up with him. And in a way, he would be right. You are emotionally cheating on him. You are emotionally invested in this other guy. So much so that you are willing to throw away what you have with your boyfriend to see where things go with this other dude. That, girlfriend, is a form of cheating. So, you might as well break up with your boyfriend and just be single. Stats show that office romances rarely ever work out and you'll probably end up losing both the boyfriend and the office fling anyway. So, you might as well just be single. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 I think they read the first few, didn't like what they saw, and posted on another website. Opps! Yep! I think this is a hit and run thread. I wasn't paying attention to the dates. Link to post Share on other sites
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