Cherry05 Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 I'm 26. my husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 5 and we have 4 beautiful children. For the past couple of years, I've found that I'm just not happy. Sex life is pretty terrible and so is communication. He wants to have all the control, so when I give my opinion on anything it never ends well. He's been calling me lazy and selfish, as he sits on the video game all day and I'm taking care of the kids. There is no intimacy. The list can go on. I'm really trying to see the benefits of staying in the marriage other than the sake of the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 I am not sure what to say. I do have some questions. Does he work? Do you work? How does he play video games all day? What you are going through is a stale time in your marriage. I am guessing that you have been pregnant almost the whole time you have been married. From what little you have told us I would say that your husband may be still a child, despite 4 kids. You need to develop a voice in your relationship with H, and not be intimidated by him when you have something to say. You need to be adult and firm about it, but you have to speak out about how you feel. You really need to think about some type of marriage counseling. See if that will help your communication. The sex life is a problem, at your age my wife and I were having sex 2 or 3 times a day, with three kids. This should be easy to fix I hope. You are going to have to work on this situation with your husband and he needs to work with you or you are headed down a dark path. Really, this should be some of the better times In your marriage. It was for us, we just loved having babies and raising little ones. Good luck... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cherry05 Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share Posted October 6, 2016 Yes, he works. As soon as he gets home, he gets on the game and plays until it's time for bed most nights. Sometimes I'm already sleep by the time he gets in the bed. On his days off, he plays literally the whole day. I run a licensed in home daycare, so I take care of our kids and 4-5 others daily. I think he feels that this is not a job. Yes. I have been pregnant 3 years of our marriage. This past pregnancy, we agreed to have my tubes tied. Now he complains about wanting more kids. I'm the one that takes care of ours for a majority of the time and there's no way I would want more. Sex life wise, after our 2nd child it's pretty much gone downhill. We literally have sex 3 to 5 times a month and it's almost ALWAYS the same thing. Turn, around, 5 minutes from the back and that's all. No foreplay. Kissing. Nohing. I've said how it bothers me and he just says sex isn't everything. I've brought up counseling. No interest on his side. If I say anything about what bothers for me, he says I have a man that doesn't cheat and works and I should be happy, because any other woman would. Ughh. That's not all that comes with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 OK, he is being an insensitive child. This is not the way that it works. It would be the same thing if he was drinking beer in the front yard all night with the "Boys". Sometimes guys this age just think everything is fine. They have a wife, check, they have kids, check, they have a job, check, I pay the bills, check... everything is fine. This is an immature, childish way of acting. He is either dense or he just does not care. Women need attention, proper sex, affirmation, romance and guys too. Men that don't take care of their wives are asking for trouble. So now what to do. You have to talk to him. No, I am not saying grip at him but have real talk. Put the kids to bed, put the cell phones away, ask him to turn off the Xbox and get his complete undivided attention. Speak calmly and concisely, men do not have a long attention span at that age. Explain to him that you are unhappy with just about everything in your marriage and you need to get into counseling and work on your marriage. If he still says no then you may really have to start thinking about divorce. So explain that to him, "Darling, if we cannot figure a to work on our marriage so that we are both happy, that does not leave me much choice except to file for divorce." See how he reacts to that. Don't say it in anger or as a threat, just relay the information to him. See what happens. So prepare yourself. Above all don't cry and scream, men do not communicate in that way and they cannot understand why you are doing it. Read on the internet about marriage communication issues. Good luck and keep posting... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 I've brought up counseling. No interest on his side. I'd make an appointment a few days out and tell him he's got two choices: 1). He can participate and be part of improving the marriage. or 2). He can keep doing what he's doing and you'll make the appointment with a lawyer instead. You'll need to send him a strong wake-up call... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 Based on what you have described, I don't think there are many benefits to staying in the marriage. I certainly can't find any. You children will be happier if they see their mom is able to stand in her own, support herself and her family, and enjoy her life. This is much preferable to staying in a bad marriage with a do nothing husband who is controlling and emotionally abusive. Think about what you are teaching your children if you stay in an unhealthy relationship. You deserve more, and so do they. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usernameisvalid Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 I'm hesitant to give too much specific advice because it's difficult for a stranger on the internet to understand your eight-year relationship based on a few paragraphs. I think you should take some time to try to figure out exactly what you want.. whether you're still invested in your marriage and wanting to work at it, or whether you're ready to throw in the towel. Obviously you're unsure or you probably wouldn't be posting here about it, so I think it might be a good idea to seek counseling on your own if he won't go with you. A counselor can help you figure out what you want to do, and if you want to fight for your marriage a counselor should be able to give you some tools to start doing that. I'm not suggesting that it's all on you because obviously a one-sided relationship won't work, but sometimes when it comes to fighting for what we love we have to be willing to humble ourselves and look at changes we can make to improve our situations. If he doesn't change, and you continue feeling this way, it seems there's no reason to stay in a marriage that doesn't make you happy. I guess the bottom line I see here is that you first have to figure out if this is something that will pass (because there will always be hard times in marriages) or if this is something persistent where there's no hope for improvement. And last but not least I just want to say that frequency of sex is very personal to each individual relationship. A previous poster compared himself and his wife when they were your age to you and your husband, and I just think that's a very arbitrary comparison. What's right for them isn't necessarily right for you or anyone else. No disrespect intended here. I just wanted to throw in my two cents. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 (edited) The sex life is a problem, at your age my wife and I were having sex 2 or 3 times a day, with three kids. This should be easy to fix I hope. Jeez, BP! Seriously? That's going some! I'm not sure whether to feel impressed or inadequate - so I'll settle for both! My wife and I are in our 40s. We manage it about twice a week and it feels right for us.... And it's not how the op describes - it's loving and tender and there is foreplay and cuddling afterwards. There is some very good advice here. Whenever I hear of anyone over the age of about 16 playing endlessly on an x-box, my eyes are rolling - this is a major immaturity red flag. Let him know as sensitively as possible how you feel and that it is making you miserable, and yes - counseling should really help, even if it is IC for now. He needs to know that this is not acceptable and that he is in serious danger losing you - then we will see how mature he is and if he can step up and be a real man. Seems like he's taking it very much for granted that you are there for him and always will be however he behaves. Good luck op. You deserve better than this. Work on it and make sure he is in no doubt about how sad this is making you. He needs to step up. He is so lucky to have you and his beautiful family. He needs to realise that. Playing x-box all day when you are a father with a young family is just not acceptable, and it will only be a matter of time before the kids become addicted to it too. He needs to limit it to an hour or so a day, when it fits in with family life. When my kids were really small, the last thing I wanted was to play video games, but hey, I have my faults too - I did an awful thing and had an affair - I'm sure my wife would have much preferred that I'd developed a video game addiction! We are working really hard to get past that now. Maybe he's a great guy deep down, (I guess you wouldn't have married him you didn't think this at least at one time) but has a lot of growing up to do. If you want to turn things around, do the hard graft and make sure he meets you half way. Keep posting. You are amongst friends here. Edited October 8, 2016 by jenkins95 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Madame_Noire Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 I have a friend going through a similar situation. He works full time, she is currently on maternity leave. He believes because he works full time it is her 'job' to raise the children. He comes in from work, has a cigarette, a beer and then he sits on his games console all night. He does not bother with the kids at all and he wants more, to carry on his family name! I have told her he is just a manchild. She said she feels like a single mother. She is trying to save up enough money so she does not have to depend on him and then she can kick him out. I would hate to be in her sitution. There is no intimacy. They are like ships in the night and he is very patronising and condescending when he speaks to her. I do not know why and how she puts up with it. She too has also tried talking to him, but he just dismisses her. He seriously needs to grow up and man up. Just thought I post to say how eerily similar your situation is to my friend's. You are not alone, plus I am sure some sure someone here will be able to give you very sound advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladyj888 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Hi! I just want to encourage you to hang in there and even if you're spouse won't go, you may want to go to counseling. Also know that you're far from alone, because often we fell isolated, as if no one would understand what we're going through. If you have "wise" friends or family to talk to, a pastor at church or a local counselor, I'd recommend talking about it. I periodically go to counseling (little bits when I need it) coupled with brief discussions with close and wise friends (not too much detail, because you don't want friends or family knowing too much detail about your marriage), and this has helped me weather through many a storm that seemed long and unbearable. My husband has improved (though not perhaps to what I'd want ideally, but then I've got work to do myself), but then I remind myself of my values, my vows, and a what is MOST important. Since I've been through a divorce and I know how devastating it can be , the time it takes to rebuild (mentally, financially, etc.) and the effects on my children, I've made a stand that I'm sticking it through this go around! So be encouraged and do seek counseling, just being heard and able to share your anger and pain can work wonders! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 It sounds like a lot of responsibility at 26 with 4 kids. Another one wouldn't be a good idea at all, with the state of your marriage. He wants more kids and his contribution would be getting you pregnant and financial support. He's living in the dark ages if he thinks you should be satisfied with a husband not cheating and earning. I'd rather no sex, than unsatisfying sex quite frankly. it takes more than that to be a dad. Your husband needs to know this isn't the marriage you want and to work on improving it, or risk loosing you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 He's living in the dark ages if he thinks you should be satisfied with a husband not cheating and earning. The OP might put a halt to having sex with him. When he complains, she could tell him "I'm cooking, cleaning , raising your children - and not cheating. Most men would be satisfied with that"... Mr. :ucky Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 The OP might put a halt to having sex with him. When he complains, she could tell him "I'm cooking, cleaning , raising your children - and not cheating. Most men would be satisfied with that"... Well said Mr. Lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cherry05 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Share Posted October 10, 2016 I have considered going to counseling alone and this will likely be something that I do. I am at a crossroad right now and really don't know what to do. It feels like we are roommates. There is no romance, no intimacy. He's been getting mad at me lately because I fall asleep at like 10/11. I guess I'm just tired from "being lazy and not doing anything" all day. But he went out to say that he's lonely because I go to sleep on him. Mind you, many of these nights, he'll be on the game anyway. When I speak to him about problems I'm having, I'm almost always calm at first. Then he says something like off the wall crazy and I get smart. A couple of weeks ago, after leaving out the house for work, without saying a word to me and not texting or replying to my text all day, he comes home and says, "Did you learn something today?". I don't know what exactly I was supposed to learn from this. Well anyway, he went on to say that I am not a good wife and that I am selfish. He said that he is a better husband than I am as a wife. I asked him why is he with me then. And HE brought up divorce and not once but a few times in this discussion. So I'm wondering if this is something on his mind also. Divorce would be sooo difficult..with 4 small children. I run my business from our home, so what if he gets it?There's just so many unknowns. =( Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 For the sake of your four young children... Please get counseling asap! It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong (tho the way your husbands behaving isn't right!) There is so much resentment on both ends that withhoit learning to communicate and understand each other better there is no way your marriage will last. Make an appointment and let him know it's not optional! If he won't go with you, go alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Divorce would be sooo difficult..with 4 small children. I run my business from our home, so what if he gets it?There's just so many unknowns. =( Those are questions that a competent attorney could answer in the (typically) free initial consultation. And talking to a lawyer doesn't mean you want to end your marriage, just indicates you need to understand all your options. If your husband continues to stick his head in the sand, you'll have some tough choices to make... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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