I know all MM are liars... but I hate finding them out.

[starswewillnavigate]

I got that too.

 

Did you expect any better of him?

 

He knew what he wanted and you knew what he wanted, so why do you have an issue with his lies? When you're no saint yourself.

 

OW/MM .... not much difference in honesty and integrity TBH.

 

Oh I know that, Sandy, I would never dispute that. And yet unattached OW can only view their situation, xMM has a much broader picture to take care of. He has moved on and I am finding it hard to.

 

I expected him to move on to another OW, it's his nature, and that's not actually my main issue of my points. I'm grieving that we won't have what we had before, angry at myself for clinging on. I think if you read the rest of the thread and see MB and Lovetoohard's comments it's related to ego and the hope I was an exception. But I'm not, I'm just part of a pattern.

[sandylee1]

I'm grieving that we won't have what we had before, angry at myself for clinging on. I think if you read the rest of the thread and see MB and Lovetoohard's comments it's related to ego and the hope I was an exception. But I'm not, I'm just part of a pattern.

 

I think once you come to terms with the fact that what you had (no matter how great it was) , was built on deceit, it's a step forward in getting over it.

[starswewillnavigate]

I think once you come to terms with the fact that what you had (no matter how great it was) , was built on deceit, it's a step forward in getting over it.

 

You're right and I think finding out his first blatant lie to me has probably been a good turning point. I'm sick of worrying about what is/n't happening, whether he msgs me or not, letting it impact every part of my day. It's also making me realise a lot of issues about myself and why I'm allowing myself to hurt like this, why I put myself in a position where rejection was always going to happen, that feeling of never being good enough, which I'm going through in therapy sessions. It feels like an addiction, I just want him out my head now.

[SoleMate]

Strict NC including blocks in all portals and all technologies is definitely the way to go. Affirmatively shut off, block and delete every possible method of contact. That is the quickest route to recovery.

 

When NC is well established, then I suggest a bit of IC to work on self esteem, healthy relationships, and boundaries.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MB - No, that sums it up nicely - it is about wanting to get that control back, but I never will, things can never be the same. I was thinking about this the other day, I've never given him a chance to miss me, I've always to all his messages, always been there. I'm sure if I had been indifferent or held back, he would have put more effort in. But I've just been "there" for him.

 

How long did it take you to get to the point of not caring?

 

It's a work in progress. I am not sure what you mean exactly by not caring but the A lasted 5 months and was over late December 2015. I've read it takes 2x the time an affair lasted to get over it, which brings me to almost 10 months currently. I'm at the point where I have literally had no personal conversation in a while now, I don't respond to his emails, so I don't think about him like I once did, as there is not much to think about.

 

I don't care about him anymore, I don't love him anymore and I have zero attraction. I don't miss him. There is some residual hurt on my part when I see him, I feel a little discarded, and he irritates me at how he acts like nothing ever happened, calling me by my nickname like we are buddies. I'd say I am 75% over it. I'm know more tomorrow when I see him again.

[HeCantBreakMe]

It's a work in progress. I am not sure what you mean exactly by not caring but the A lasted 5 months and was over late December 2015. I've read it takes 2x the time an affair lasted to get over it, which brings me to almost 10 months currently. I'm at the point where I have literally had no personal conversation in a while now, I don't respond to his emails, so I don't think about him like I once did, as there is not much to think about.

 

I don't care about him anymore, I don't love him anymore and I have zero attraction. I don't miss him. There is some residual hurt on my part when I see him, I feel a little discarded, and he irritates me at how he acts like nothing ever happened, calling me by my nickname like we are buddies. I'd say I am 75% over it. I'm know more tomorrow when I see him again.

 

GOOD LUCK! Punch him in the balls a few times mentally it usually makes me giggle.

[jenkins95]

(((stars))) wonderful to see you posting so realistically and positively. You see the road ahead clearly - walk away and strict NC. Claim your life back and no more waiting around checking your phone every two minutes for his crumbs only to be disappointed. Take his power away. You can do it. Proud of you.

 

Midnight, I'm so proud of you that you feel 75% over it. Go girl! That's fantastic. You know you are one of my favourite posters and I will take great comfort and encouragement from this! Well done.

[jenkins95]

GOOD LUCK! Punch him in the balls a few times mentally it usually makes me giggle.

 

Hcbm. Know that I'm crossing my legs tightly after reading this. Lol. I know you said 'mentally', but still, I can't help imagining the real thing! Actually, after my behaviour last year, I'm very lucky to have (so far at least) avoided this!!

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hcbm. Know that I'm crossing my legs tightly after reading this. Lol. I know you said 'mentally', but still, I can't help imagining the real thing! Actually, after my behaviour last year, I'm very lucky to have (so far at least) avoided this!!

 

It's okay Jenkins I probably deserve just as big of a kick. We OW didn't fall into the affair we went in willingly and destroyed everyone in our paths too. Own your part in what you did - I am finally starting to own up to mine though slowly. The enormity of the person I was scares me.

[MidnightBlue1980]

GOOD LUCK! Punch him in the balls a few times mentally it usually makes me giggle.

 

I've been so angry for months but after the massive fight with my husband last week which literally drained both of us emotionally, a lot of my anger towards xmm has faded. I've let xmm have such control over my life and let the anger consume me to the extent where a lot in my life has taken a backseat. And the thing is, holding on to anger and expecting him to feel pain is like holding a hot potato and expecting him to get burnt. I'm only giving him all this power and hurting myself.

 

You know what, I'm just going to forgive it all and let it all go (as Adel says). Freedom for the soul. I'll try anyway.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's okay Jenkins I probably deserve just as big of a kick. We OW didn't fall into the affair we went in willingly and destroyed everyone in our paths too. Own your part in what you did - I am finally starting to own up to mine though slowly. The enormity of the person I was scares me.

 

100% agree. I am definitely not a victim here. Stupid maybe and gullible but I knew what I was doing.

[jenkins95]

100% agree. I am definitely not a victim here. Stupid maybe and gullible but I knew what I was doing.

 

Midnight and hcbm, it's great that you as xOW and me as an xMM totally own our part in what happened. I think that's an important stage to get to.

 

So great to read positive posts from both of you. Proud of you both. I love to see posters whose stories I have been aware of for several months, show genuine progress. I know it's a long long long path, but you guys have taken some big strides! Let's keep it going!

[jenkins95]

I've been so angry for months but after the massive fight with my husband last week which literally drained both of us emotionally, a lot of my anger towards xmm has faded. I've let xmm have such control over my life and let the anger consume me to the extent where a lot in my life has taken a backseat. And the thing is, holding on to anger and expecting him to feel pain is like holding a hot potato and expecting him to get burnt. I'm only giving him all this power and hurting myself.

 

You know what, I'm just going to forgive it all and let it all go (as Adel says). Freedom for the soul. I'll try anyway.

 

Midnight, I could really feel the anger in your posts these past weeks. I can totally feel the difference now. Even before I read this post, I could feel that you were less angry from your other posts. The argument with your H must have been horrible at the time, but if this was the result, then it was very productive.

 

I think this is such a healthy development for you! Well done!

[HeCantBreakMe]

I've been so angry for months but after the massive fight with my husband last week which literally drained both of us emotionally, a lot of my anger towards xmm has faded. I've let xmm have such control over my life and let the anger consume me to the extent where a lot in my life has taken a backseat. And the thing is, holding on to anger and expecting him to feel pain is like holding a hot potato and expecting him to get burnt. I'm only giving him all this power and hurting myself.

 

You know what, I'm just going to forgive it all and let it all go (as Adel says). Freedom for the soul. I'll try anyway.

 

You may not feel it now but you are moving forward. I can see it in your posts. I am not where you are I still have a lot of hurt and anger but I hope to get to where you are. I really do feel like this is a process.

 

I love me some Adel!

[jenkins95]

You may not feel it now but you are moving forward. I can see it in your posts. I am not where you are I still have a lot of hurt and anger but I hope to get to where you are. I really do feel like this is a process.

 

I love me some Adel!

 

It's definitely in midnight's posts..... But don't underestimate your own progress hcbm. I see definite forward movement. No question. Keep it going now! Proud of you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight, I could really feel the anger in your posts these past weeks. I can totally feel the difference now. Even before I read this post, I could feel that you were less angry from your other posts. The argument with your H must have been horrible at the time, but if this was the result, then it was very productive.

 

I think this is such a healthy development for you! Well done!

 

I don't really post about my husband here much but he's like my best friend. We spend a lot of time together, especially since Spring when I quit my day job and became fully self employed. He works with me and is going to work for my client soon. We are together all the time and have these endless conversations about anything and everything. When the kids went back to school, we were doing 6 mile hikes a day. It was great.

 

But so, not talking for 2 days was brutal. He was like, maybe we will be like all those other couples and barely see each other, live parallel lives, and I said, I've rather be divorced. See, my H even sits in my office and watched TV while I work to spend time with me. He sits on a kitchen chair. That's how attached we are. It's really easy to take your spouse for granted and think they will always be there but it's just not true. It just put it in perspective for me.

 

H did apologize but asked if I could not be so angry and just let it go, not because xmm deserves it (H hates xmm) but because it's destroying me and my anger makes H angry at xmm.

[jenkins95]

I don't really post about my husband here much but he's like my best friend. We spend a lot of time together, especially since Spring when I quit my day job and became fully self employed. He works with me and is going to work for my client soon. We are together all the time and have these endless conversations about anything and everything. When the kids went back to school, we were doing 6 mile hikes a day. It was great.

 

But so, not talking for 2 days was brutal. He was like, maybe we will be like all those other couples and barely see each other, live parallel lives, and I said, I've rather be divorced. See, my H even sits in my office and watched TV while I work to spend time with me. He sits on a kitchen chair. That's how attached we are. It's really easy to take your spouse for granted and think they will always be there but it's just not true. It just put it in perspective for me.

 

H did apologize but asked if I could not be so angry and just let it go, not because xmm deserves it (H hates xmm) but because it's destroying me and my anger makes H angry at xmm.

 

I totally agree about the anger - the quicker we pass that phase, the better. You are doing amazingly well midnight.

 

You paint a lovely picture of life with your H and post about him with genuine warmth and honest affection. I'm so glad you guys are making a go of it - it would have been a tragedy if it had ended fit xMM - only IMHO, of course

[MidnightBlue1980]

I totally agree about the anger - the quicker we pass that phase, the better. You are doing amazingly well midnight.

 

You paint a lovely picture of life with your H and post about him with genuine warmth and honest affection. I'm so glad you guys are making a go of it - it would have been a tragedy if it had ended fit xMM - only IMHO, of course

 

I agree. It was me who asked for a divorce and my H said no. I thought the damage was too great but I guess I was wrong. My H says one of the big reasons he wanted to fix things was I did come to him and say how unhappy I was but he ignored me because he did not take me seriously.

 

While the marriage is completely different from before, I still regret the affair. My H hates it too but says it saved our marriage, which is odd but I guess, true. It killed something in me though, but I guess that is life.

[starswewillnavigate]

(((stars))) wonderful to see you posting so realistically and positively. You see the road ahead clearly - walk away and strict NC. Claim your life back and no more waiting around checking your phone every two minutes for his crumbs only to be disappointed. Take his power away. You can do it. Proud of you.

 

Midnight, I'm so proud of you that you feel 75% over it. Go girl! That's fantastic. You know you are one of my favourite posters and I will take great comfort and encouragement from this! Well done.

 

Thank you Jenkins... it's a process we all need to go through eventually and all it is now is a bad habit I need to break. The replies from everyone - encouragement, insights, other's experiences and even the more critical posts have all been so good to give me time to reflect. MB's posts especially have been so insightful and it's amazing we probably all feel our situations are "different" but essential we are all telling the same story in the end.

 

MB - I hope that today goes ok with seeing xMM - I like the imaginary kick to his nuts as well! It's all part of the process isn't it? The hurt, the pain, the anger, all to get to the end goal of indifference, not caring, forgetting, moving on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you Jenkins... it's a process we all need to go through eventually and all it is now is a bad habit I need to break. The replies from everyone - encouragement, insights, other's experiences and even the more critical posts have all been so good to give me time to reflect. MB's posts especially have been so insightful and it's amazing we probably all feel our situations are "different" but essential we are all telling the same story in the end.

 

MB - I hope that today goes ok with seeing xMM - I like the imaginary kick to his nuts as well! It's all part of the process isn't it? The hurt, the pain, the anger, all to get to the end goal of indifference, not caring, forgetting, moving on.

 

Thank you. It went okay. I did not use any energy to overly ignore him, I had to give him a few things, which I did, and then he did not approach me.

 

I am not his friend but neither did I sit there all wrapped up in my usual cloak of anger and fury. I spent 10 months upset over this and I'm done. I'm letting it all go like a bunch of balloons up to the sky. I've forgiven him for it all, and myself too, after all it took two to start it but it takes one to end it. Time to move on.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thank you. It went okay. I did not use any energy to overly ignore him, I had to give him a few things, which I did, and then he did not approach me.

 

I am not his friend but neither did I sit there all wrapped up in my usual cloak of anger and fury. I spent 10 months upset over this and I'm done. I'm letting it all go like a bunch of balloons up to the sky. I've forgiven him for it all, and myself too, after all it took two to start it but it takes one to end it. Time to move on.

 

YAH!!!!! - girl you are my hero.