Boyfriend won't go to parties...

[megansux]

I'm a freshman in college so (obviously) I go out and drink with my friends. 90% of the time my boyfriend doesn't care. He comes to see me pretty frequently as I only go to school about an hour away. This weekend is my friend's birthday so even though he is visiting I planned on going to the party at her house and celebrating. I invited him and want him to go because we've never drank or partied or anything together but my boyfriend won't go. This isn't the first time I've invited him to drink or go anywhere and he's said no. He said he'll instead go find his friends. I know his friends and odds are they'll go out and party. So he's OK with partying with friends but not with me. Can someone pleaaaaaase explain how/why?

[eightytwenty]

Those aren't his friends... Maybe he doesn't want to be around a bunch of girlfriends of yours?

[basil67]

Perhaps he doesn't like being surrounded by a bunch of drunk people who he doesn't know.

[JewelD]

Because the party won't be any fun with you hanging on to him all night. Plus those are your friends, not his.

[megansux]

I think my main problem is that he acted like the problem was partying. That's what annoys me. He tries to act like it's wrong for me to go out and that's why he doesn't want to but his friends party.

[Space Ritual]

Maybe he does not feel he can be himself around your friends or maybe he feels like he would be a third wheel. It may have something to do with it. He may also not want to be around your friends for fear of coming across as manipulative.

 

Something that we men tend to not want to admit is that our egos are extremely fragile and for all you know he may feel he is cramping your style. He may feel somewhat intimidated by the dynamic and he'd be damned to let you see him feel like that. So rather than voice his real concerns he will deflect what he is really feeling. It is kind of a learned action of us guys from a pretty young age.

 

He does not want to come off as an ass. But for him, he may feel damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.

 

Again, our egos are extremely fragile...Jeze I feel like I broke some bro code telling you that..lol, but t's true.

 

 

That being said, I guess I'll just go head and ask...does he or has he had in the past, any reason not to trust you when you are under the influence of alcohol?

 

Not saying he has, I am just throwing that out there as something to think about that you may want to discuss with him and put his mind at ease.

 

You two may be coming from total opposite points of view, so I think it would behoove you to bring this up with him.

[thecrucible]

He might be intimidated by the thought of being around just you and your friends or he's not ready to be introduced to them en masse.

 

Why don't you suggest a big party and ask him to invite some of his friends along and for you all to hang out as a larger group?

[basil67]

I think my main problem is that he acted like the problem was partying. That's what annoys me. He tries to act like it's wrong for me to go out and that's why he doesn't want to but his friends party.

 

What did he say to make you believe the problem was that you were partying?

 

I'm also wondering how often he comes to visit you on a weekend. Could it be that he wanted to spend some time with you? Or does he get to spend lots and lots of time with you?

[Midnight_Madness]

Hi,

 

I think it's worth having a conversation with your partner about why he doesn't like the idea of going to parties with you. It may be that he isn't as comfortable drinking with your friends or at a unknown location. Or it could be that even though he doesn't mind you going to parties without him, he doesn't enjoy seeing you drink and act a little silly (as we all do at times) with your friends.

 

Best of wishes for the future ?.

[megansux]

What did he say to make you believe the problem was that you were partying?

 

I'm also wondering how often he comes to visit you on a weekend. Could it be that he wanted to spend some time with you? Or does he get to spend lots and lots of time with you?

 

I see him like once ever two weeks so it's possible he wants alone time but it's not like we've been apart for months. He just acts very condescending when I bring up drinking or partying. He's made alcoholic jokes for me going out once or twice a week. I know he went through a party stage and still goes out sometimes so it just seems super hypocritical and unnecessary.

[kgcolonel]

Mega,

 

Can you tell us to what extent do you and your friends drink at these parties? There have been many threads that have involved over indulgence in alcohol that destroyed the relationships, some resulting in ONS and pregnancy, others that involved too much indescretion and still others that involved friends becoming friends with benefits. These are the most extreme results but even if you're over indulging to the point of possibly becoming sloppy for example, IMO, there isn't much less attractive than holding my girl's hair out of the toliet while she purges the excess alcohol....

 

If it's not you, are your friends getting into that condition?

 

Also, he may not feel welcomed by your friends. I can relate to this as while i was in college, I was engaged to a girl that had too many orbiters hanging around. I knew this and tried to tell her that while she saw them as friends, they were actually out to get into her pants. There was a "camping trip" that i was invited to attend with her and her "friends", knowing no one and knowing that at least one of them had interests in her beyond a friendship, I declined to go as I definitely would have been the outsider. I felt like it would have been awkward at best and possibly a setup to help destroy our friendship as the "group" would have endorsed a relationship with one of their own.

 

We did eventually break up over her desire to maintain these "friends" (her choice to break not mine) but in the end, it wasn't a bad thing that we went our separate ways.

 

My suggestion is to work with your BF to try to understand his point of view instead of manipulating him to come to your opinion. He may be persuaded once you and he are on the same page or you may see where he is coming from but in any case, this will be a maturing and growing experience for you.

[smackie9]

My solution....you two are too far apart on compatibility/expectations, and should breakup. Forcing him to make a compromise is just going to cause resentment. Find a guy that wants to be a part of your LIFE. Right now you may as well be FWB.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I see him like once ever two weeks so it's possible he wants alone time but it's not like we've been apart for months. He just acts very condescending when I bring up drinking or partying. He's made alcoholic jokes for me going out once or twice a week. I know he went through a party stage and still goes out sometimes so it just seems super hypocritical and unnecessary.

 

I think it depends on what kind of partier you are?

 

I mean, are you the girl who gets up on tables and dances? Do you flirt excessively when you're intoxicated? Do you have a reputation for being loud and mouthy and saying things you normally wouldn't say if you were sober? Do you have a tendency to black out and not remember too much after a night of partying?

 

Personally, I can't think of anything more unattractive then a drunk woman at any age. Falling down drunk men are horrible as well but women should keep their sh*t together if for no other reason than for their own safety.

 

 

As for why your boyfriend refuses to party with you, it sounds like he isn't all that impressed with your drunk alter ego or has no interest in seeing you drunk and having to deal with whatever feelings that might bring up for him. Many guys have double standards when it comes to partying and their girlfriends and maybe he realizes that partying with you may make him even more vocal about you going out and drinking too much which could end up being a huge problem in your relationship.

 

Food for thought.

Edited October 7, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[kgcolonel]

I think it depends on what kind of partier you are?

 

I mean, are you the girl who gets up on tables and dances? Do you flirt excessively when you're intoxicated? Do you have a reputation for being loud and mouthy and saying things you normally wouldn't say if you were sober? Do you have a tendency to black out and not remember too much after a night of partying?

 

Personally, I can't think of anything more unattractive then a drunk woman at any age. Falling down drunk men are horrible as well but women should keep their sh*t together if for no other reason than for their own safety.

 

 

As for why your boyfriend refuses to party with you, it sounds like he isn't all that impressed with your drunk alter ego or has no interest in seeing you drunk and having to deal with whatever feelings that might bring up for him. Many guys have double standards when it comes to partying and their girlfriends and maybe he realizes that partying with you may make him even more vocal about you going out and drinking too much which could end up being a huge problem in your relationship.

 

Food for thought.

 

 

Does your BF have a family history of alcohol issues?

[kendahke]

He just acts very condescending when I bring up drinking or partying. He's made alcoholic jokes for me going out once or twice a week.

 

I'm curious how the conversation unfolded to where he's being condescending about your partying and drinking. How did you bring up the topic with him and what did you say? It just seems to be a really off the wall thing to jump to condescending comments about drinking and partying.

[mortensorchid]

He might be an anti-social person to begin with. I've been with many of them, for whatever reason they don't like being around people in general, around a certain group of people, or something else. One I was convinced only liked things to be about him rather than a large group, others I think don't like to be around people in general. Either way, he's telling you that he doesn't like your friends (or whoever it is you're going to be around) and he's also saying he doesn't like being with you when you're with them. This is a bad sign.

[preraph]

So down the road, if you marry, he won't want to have relatives and friends over to your house for holidays and parties either and he won't want to participate. A friend of mine is in this type relationship and it causes all types of problems. I mean, it's not all about HIM, for one thing. But if a woman is foolish enough to stay with someone like that who can't be pulled out of their comfort zone because they're that selfish, they get what they asked for, which is a dull life partner.

[No_Go]

If he's like me, he may simply dislike partying. Maybe he can tolerate it somewhat with his friends but not with bunch of other people.

 

It is not obvious by being freshman in college that one SHOULD like going out drinking with friends. I have never done it, nor my close friends from that time. I had my 1st drink on my 25th birthday so I can pass as retarded in that sense ... But that was my preference.

 

Pls consider your bf can have preferences for his spare time different that your.

 

 

 

I'm a freshman in college so (obviously) I go out and drink with my friends. 90% of the time my boyfriend doesn't care. He comes to see me pretty frequently as I only go to school about an hour away. This weekend is my friend's birthday so even though he is visiting I planned on going to the party at her house and celebrating. I invited him and want him to go because we've never drank or partied or anything together but my boyfriend won't go. This isn't the first time I've invited him to drink or go anywhere and he's said no. He said he'll instead go find his friends. I know his friends and odds are they'll go out and party. So he's OK with partying with friends but not with me. Can someone pleaaaaaase explain how/why?

[No_Go]

If you call it introverted vs antisocial - I agree

 

He might be an anti-social person to begin with. I've been with many of them, for whatever reason they don't like being around people in general, around a certain group of people, or something else. One I was convinced only liked things to be about him rather than a large group, others I think don't like to be around people in general. Either way, he's telling you that he doesn't like your friends (or whoever it is you're going to be around) and he's also saying he doesn't like being with you when you're with them. This is a bad sign.

[preraph]

It's social anxiety. Being introverted doesn't make you not want to be around people. It just means you are introspective and self-monitoring and enjoy some alone time, but I am introverted but not at all so selfish I won't got o a party or necessary functions. That extreme is more than introversion. It's also very, very selfish and self-centered for someone to act like that. They only care about themselves.

[No_Go]

I just don't see how going to a random activity that he doesn't enjoy is selfish. It's not like skipping Christmas dinner with her parents.

 

I personally have aversion towards drinking groups and loud spaces that has nothing to do with social anxiety. I just dislike it and that's it.

 

It's social anxiety. Being introverted doesn't make you not want to be around people. It just means you are introspective and self-monitoring and enjoy some alone time, but I am introverted but not at all so selfish I won't got o a party or necessary functions. That extreme is more than introversion. It's also very, very selfish and self-centered for someone to act like that. They only care about themselves.

[elaine567]

So down the road, if you marry, he won't want to have relatives and friends over to your house for holidays and parties either and he won't want to participate. A friend of mine is in this type relationship and it causes all types of problems. I mean, it's not all about HIM, for one thing. But if a woman is foolish enough to stay with someone like that who can't be pulled out of their comfort zone because they're that selfish, they get what they asked for, which is a dull life partner.

 

^^ this^^

It is no fun having to go to events and parties alone, as your bf won't go with you to anything YOU want to go to.

If you are a friendly type of person who enjoys parties and meeting your friends then get rid and find a guy who IS sociable.

It only gets worse.

[PogoStick]

Probably because drunk freshwomen are annoying as fk! They think they are so totally awesome, the world revolves around them, and they have no idea of their drinking limits. They end up starting drama, crying, all emotional, and vomiting the Taco Bell that sounded like a great idea 30 minutes earlier.

[preraph]

I just don't see how going to a random activity that he doesn't enjoy is selfish. It's not like skipping Christmas dinner with her parents.

 

I personally have aversion towards drinking groups and loud spaces that has nothing to do with social anxiety. I just dislike it and that's it.

 

If you are going to be one-half of a couple, that requires compromise. No one likes to change diapers either, but both have to compromise and do it if they want to raise a family. Some people seriously would be better off just resigning themselves to not marry and just to be alone so they can hibernate and never get out of their comfort zone without being toxic to the ones around them. Women do this easier than men. Men want sex whether they even want any other part of the relationship or not, and that's a bad bargain for the woman.

 

I know someone who's married to someone who won't do anything he doesn't want to do, and what that means is she does everything and can't rely on him for anything except that he does work, but so does she. She can't ever count on that he'll agree to watch the kids. He'll never say yes or no. It's wait and see. Will he come out for dinner at the holidays when her mother is there? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. He hates people over at the house. He's improved some because she has a little more power now that she's working, but he's the one who used to tell her not to work. She finally did anyway because she learned that if she had her own money, he behaved better.

 

Why would anyone want to be married to someone like this? They need to see a psychiatrist and if they cared anything about anyone besides themselves, they would.

Edited October 8, 2016 by preraph

[ASG]

For me, dating someone who wouldn't go out with me would be a deal breaker. Once or twice, fair enough. But a BF who is visiting at that particular time, refusing to go out with me and MY friends, and say he's gonna go find his friends... Yeah... that's not ok. Being in a relationship is about some compromise.

 

It's fine to be introverted. But if I'm not asking my SO to go out with me every day of the week, then I expect them to be ok to go out with me ONCE to go to a friend's party.

 

Other than that, I'm with preraph. I'd rather get out!