Child vs (Neighbor) Parent

[optomistic_nonsense]

Hi all, and thanks for tuning in!

 

So, I've run into a bit of a pickle with my neighbor. It's gotten under my skin because even after 2 weeks of trying to calm down and get over it...it just still resonates with me.

 

So, long story short (without excluding important details), my son and his best friend (we'll call him Ben), live on the same street, and walk to each other's house regularly. Both are 7 years old. There is a third boy (we'll call him Jimmy), who also lives on our street, in between our house and Ben's house, and he is 6 years old. Jimmy, the 6 year old, is autistic. When he plays, he has the mindset of a 3 year old. He likes playing with little blocks, or stuffed animals, etc. Ben and my son "play pretend" (bad guy/cop), hide and seek, etc.

Jimmy is also known to be very aggressive, and typically throws things (vacuum cleaners, ottomans, small tables, etc) - larger items.

 

Two years ago, my son would be with Jimmy's mom 2 or 3 days a week for child care reasons. While I appreciated the child care that Jimmy's mother provided, my son would tell me that he was afraid of Jimmy, and that everyone yelled and screamed in the house and that Jimmy would throw things at him. This lasted for roughly 6 months until I had a career change and no longer needed the child care.

 

So, fast forward to present day. When my son and his friend Ben are playing, he (my son) has a difficult time accepting Jimmy into there little play duo. My husband and I have both been working with our son to help him understand that while Jimmy may play different, it's important to be kind to him and whatnot. Our son seems to have a fear of Jimmy almost, and distances himself from him at all costs.

 

Well, 3 weeks ago, Jimmy, my son and Ben were all playing a Ben's house. Jimmy's mother comes to pick up her son, and she hears my son tell Jimmy that "you're not playing with us fair, that's not how you do it", and Jimmy's mother got upset. So, she went into the room, and said to my son "I think you are being mean to Jimmy", to which my son responded with "But he isn't playing with us the right way". So Jimmy's mother said "Well, maybe you should learn to be nicer. I don't think you like Jimmy very much, that's the impression I get. Is that true? Do you LIKE to play with Jimmy?" and my son responded with "No, I don't". Jimmy's mother then says to my son "Would you prefer I just take him home so that you can play with Ben by yourself?" and my son says "Yes". Honest....but too honest.

So my son comes home, crying, telling me that Jimmy's mom yelled at him.

 

So Ben's mother calls me to tell me what happened and said she told Jimmy's mother to calm down but she wouldn't stop scolding my son.

 

So, I reached out to Jimmy's mother, apologizing for what happened. On 3 separate occasions thereafter, asking her if Jimmy would like to come to our house for some one-on-one play time with my son. She turned down my offer each time. On the final attempt, she said "I do not want my son near your son. Your son made it very clear that he does not like Jimmy nor want to play with him. Perhaps some day things will be different but I am just too stressed out right now to have to deal with your son not wanting to play with my son".

 

Soooo, now she and her husband both give me and my husband the evil eye each and every day, they refuse to even look at us, they don't come to visit anymore, they have basically cut the cord with us. These are our neighbors. People we've interacted with on a daily basis, and now....it's like we're the demons at the end of the street. I feel bad about what happened and had wanted to make an attempt to rectify things, and I acknowledge that my son needs to work on improving his relationship skills with Jimmy, and I am sure he will with time, but not now obviously.

 

I cannot begin to understand the stress that Jimmy's parents must be experiencing with an autistic child, however, I also feel that prohibiting him from playing with my son does not really help things. Not my call to make really....and I don't even know what I am asking for here. An opinion maybe? How would you guys deal with the situation?

[movingonmummy]

Ouch. I don't have any good advice (I'm struggling with my own parenting issues!)

 

I think they are being very immature. Your son is only 7 years old. He can't be expected to have the patience and understanding an adult would have with an autistic child. In any case, whoever is doing the care for Jimmy at that particular time should be overseeing him and ensuring he isn't being mean or frightening to the other kids. They are all equally important.

 

I don't think your son deserved to be punished for his honesty (and from what I've read you didn't feel this either) and think Jimmy's parents are being very unfair to your family. You've apologised and tried to make amends (either though in my opinion you shouldn't really have to make amends for a 7 year old being too honest - they don't understand the way we do!) I think their behaviour is toxic and I would leave them be/let them go as friends. I would still be friendly - say hi/smile if you make eye contact but I wouldn't bother any further with them.

 

My children are 5 (nearly 6) and 4. There is a neighbouring girl who has Down's Syndrome and is 10 but functions at a level below my children. She is sweet and loveable but she doesn't play here anymore, unfortunately I don't feel able to enforce boundaries with her as she has special rules at home. She is unkind to my children i.e. swearing repeatedly, snatching toys, pushing/hitting, spitting. I don't tolerate that behaviour in my children and can't make exceptions for another child. So I made excuses to avoid her coming round to avoid hurt feelings. Neverless, I have spoken gently with my kids to explain to them that she is different because she has Down's Syndrome and her brain is different to ours and her brain doesn't learn or remember the rules in the same way as ours so we have to be very patient with her learning (easiest way I could think of to explain). And that we must always be kind and polite to her.

[Gemma1]

First off - good riddance to Jimmy's parents. They screamed in the house while babysitting your (then 5 year old) son. They are obviously completely out of touch with how kids are, and they put your son in a terrible position on purpose. Who asks a kid those types of questions and makes them feel terrible over such an innocuous statement of "you're not playing with us fair"??? They really backed him into a corner. And then they treat YOU like crap for it. Yeah, no thanks.

 

Second thing - I personally think you are being very unfair to your son. He's clearly scared of the kid, and super uncomfortable around him. And yet, to make amends with Jimmy's crappy parents, you decide to offer up your son to play with Jimmy one-on-one? I think you care way too much about what the neighbors think of you.

 

I do feel bad for Jimmy in all of this. But it sounds like you were doing all you could to teach your kid how to include him, and they were including him even though they didn't have to. It was Jimmy's mom that turned this into such an issue.