Lacking 'closeness'

[JustGettingBy]

I thought for the longest time that I was doing great socially. I'm a part of two large friend groups, each of which contains more friends than the average person statistically has now, plus a few one-off friends and close acquaintances I share hobbies with. All the toxic people were removed from my life. With all the issues I had growing up (I've discussed the main ones in other threads, and won't get into them here) five years ago, I thought I would never see this success. However, something hit me: I don't have anyone who's 'super close'. Every single friend I have mentioned above has either a SO, or a couple really close friends who are their closest confidants. Except me. Despite having so many people in my social circle, many of whom are friends with each other as well, I don't even think I register in anyone's top 3 list of closest friends (counting SO's), and I don't think I've ever been someone's 'best friend'. I've also never been in a relationship. I always feel like everyone sees me as 'the guy allowed to tag along'. How do I develop the level of closeness that others have with each other.

[truthtripper]

I think friends may appear close, but they aren't really. Do they discuss their deepest feelings? Do they share their pain? Even many couples never have this kind of exchange. They simply live with each other and do things together often in superficiality.

 

Most people don't even have a close relationship with themselves, so how can they with others?

[JustGettingBy]

I think friends may appear close, but they aren't really. Do they discuss their deepest feelings? Do they share their pain? Even many couples never have this kind of exchange. They simply live with each other and do things together often in superficiality.

 

Most people don't even have a close relationship with themselves, so how can they with others?

 

Actualy, most people in both friend groups do share deep feelings and pains.

[ShineOn]

The way people become close is because they share common interests and stories with each other. My best friend and I have been friends for 10 years, with a friend breakup in the middle. But it's only been in the last 2 years that we've been close and only over the past year that I would consider him my closest friend. My mom died a few years ago, and a year after his mom went into a coma. I talked to him about that during that part of his life and we became closer for it. But we share similar life situations like we were both in school working on our PhDs at the same time, both work in a similar field, etc etc. So, we end up talking on the phone a lot. And up until last week, I hadn't seen him in 10 years. We don't live in the same city. But we talk almost every day. If I need anything, he's there for me and I'm there for him through all his issues too.

Listening, understanding, common interests, ways you can relate better than others, and being someone they can count on and trust. That's how you develop close relationships. But I think you have to feel that on your end too. That you feel a closeness to them that you connect to them in a way that you don't connect to other people. That way it's genuine and not just about making a close friend out of just anyone.

[Miss Peach]

Mine had sort of come accidentally over time, being vulnerable, there for each other, etc. I'm the type of person who really just has a few close friends and lot of acquaintances.

[LikeMariella]

You say everyone else has friends they are closer to/like more - but do you feel close to them? I know this might be hard to distinguish, it is for me, anyway. I haven't been someone's "best friend" since I was 12, and it bothered me for a long time. I would say that I've come to terms with it now. I have 2 very close friends, 1 one of which I would consider my best friend, as in, the person I feel closest to outside of my family. I honestly don't know what she thinks about it, and, honestly, I don't think I want to know. I used to worry about this, with her specifically, but I've tried to stop making her my best friend and now I just try to be her friend and be close to her. It's not the ideal solution, I know that, but interesting people who are also good friends don't grow on trees, so I've stopped trying to become something to them and instead tried to make them something for myself, if that makes any sense.

[JustGettingBy]

You say everyone else has friends they are closer to/like more - but do you feel close to them? I know this might be hard to distinguish, it is for me, anyway. I haven't been someone's "best friend" since I was 12, and it bothered me for a long time. I would say that I've come to terms with it now. I have 2 very close friends, 1 one of which I would consider my best friend, as in, the person I feel closest to outside of my family. I honestly don't know what she thinks about it, and, honestly, I don't think I want to know. I used to worry about this, with her specifically, but I've tried to stop making her my best friend and now I just try to be her friend and be close to her. It's not the ideal solution, I know that, but interesting people who are also good friends don't grow on trees, so I've stopped trying to become something to them and instead tried to make them something for myself, if that makes any sense.

 

I feel close to them, and I know there's mutual trust, appreciation and respect. I know each of them enjoys spending time with me 1-on-1. I just feel like I'm nobody's #1 or even #2, and never will be due to some invisible emotional barrier that I can't reach.

[truthtripper]

I feel close to them, and I know there's mutual trust, appreciation and respect. I know each of them enjoys spending time with me 1-on-1. I just feel like I'm nobody's #1 or even #2, and never will be due to some invisible emotional barrier that I can't reach.

I feel exactly the same with the friends I have(or rather, used to have). Perhaps you're simply more emotionally mature than your friends are, so their relationships with you are not satisfying enough for you and they are less attracted to you for the same reason. They are not on the same emotional level as you, ie-like attracts like.

 

Most people seek pleasure in relationships rather than emotional depth, so you will find yourself winding up in the same predicament with people over and over-unless you involve less of your personal feelings in conversations with them and include more superficiality. Exposing one's deepest feelings is often too confronting and threatening for most people to cope with. I have had friends actually tell me that they can't cope with my feelings. This is why many of us have to see therapists when we need to let out our feelings, because we can't get the emotional support we really need from our friends.

[j_flow]

I thought for the longest time that I was doing great socially. I'm a part of two large friend groups, each of which contains more friends than the average person statistically has now...I don't even think I register in anyone's top 3 list of closest friends (counting SO's), and I don't think I've ever been someone's 'best friend'. I've also never been in a relationship. I always feel like everyone sees me as 'the guy allowed to tag along'. How do I develop the level of closeness that others have with each other.

 

Oh man, post-college life this is how a lot of us are feeling. Everyone is getting SOs and working full time so the concept of a "best friend" as when we were in highschool is going out the window. I'm in a similar boat; could throw a huge party with 30 people with little effort but I would have about two people in the whole crowd I would want to sit down alone with and drink a beer and one that I would really confide in.

 

A lot of people still depend on another "best friend", but don't think you're being left out, alone, or worst off for it!

[thecrucible]

Most people seek pleasure in relationships rather than emotional depth, so you will find yourself winding up in the same predicament with people over and over-unless you involve less of your personal feelings in conversations with them and include more superficiality.

 

This is really insightful and I think very true. I'm quite an emotionally deep person and sometimes I have to put this to one side and just show the fun side of me. It can feel a bit superficial but you really have to think that the main reason they will be spending time with you is because they enjoy it. So yes I agree with this. When I fill my conversations with more fun and humour and ask people questions about themselves, this gets me so much further with social interaction. I think you have to start with the superficial and then work on over long-term knowledge of someone, whether they are interested in a friendship with more emotional depth or not.

 

I think it means that you have to accept that friendships with emotional depth will be much fewer

 

Oh man, post-college life this is how a lot of us are feeling. Everyone is getting SOs and working full time so the concept of a "best friend" as when we were in highschool is going out the window. I'm in a similar boat; could throw a huge party with 30 people with little effort but I would have about two people in the whole crowd I would want to sit down alone with and drink a beer and one that I would really confide in.

 

The OP and you have just reassured me in a way. I thought I was the only one who has been experiencing this. I am naturally shy and over the years I've got to know a lot more people and made many more acquaintances. But then I get left with this empty feeling when I think about how few people I have who are really close to me. I often worry if people are put off by me or whether they are preoccupied with their own lives more.

[thecrucible]

I feel close to them, and I know there's mutual trust, appreciation and respect. I know each of them enjoys spending time with me 1-on-1. I just feel like I'm nobody's #1 or even #2, and never will be due to some invisible emotional barrier that I can't reach.

 

I think I'm very similar to you and as per my response above, I know how you feel. I think part of it comes from my experiences at school - I only ever had a few friends and I was quite happy to spend lots of time alone sometimes. It was only as I came closer to adult that I began to feel that I was different because of this. Even at university where there's a place for having lots of friends, I never really had loads of close friends. I drifted between different groups rather than joined in one big one. Do any of your experiences have similarities with mine?

 

I want to echo other comments on the thread by saying that sometimes these larger groups aren't really as close as they seem. I mean I know some people who have large groups of friends and there are sometimes fall outs within their group or certain people don't get on but keep it quiet for the sake of the group. Often these people are closer to each other because they've known each other for a long time (like through education).

 

To answer your question about closeness; I think it can come about in the following ways:

 

- through long-term familiarity

- going through a difficult or life-defining experience at the same time

- having personalities that are similar enough to facilitate mutual understanding and sharing of vulnerabilities.

 

I also think being generous and giving towards a person even when you don't know them well shows them that you can be a reliable friend and builds trust between you (but that's a gamble as some people won't respond to or appreciate that). As I find it hard to reveal vulnerabilities to people, I've learned to do this strategically enough to show that I'm not snobby (quiet people like myself can come across this way accidentally) and to show them that because I'm sharing with them, they can share with me. I find it hard to ask for help but I try and do this more and it makes me closer with my friends as people in general get a buzz out of helping someone. I try to go out of my way to help them as much as I can and I try and keep things close to my heart so they can trust me.

 

Anyway, what you are saying is really resonating with me. I understand how you feel.

[truthtripper]

I also think being generous and giving towards a person even when you don't know them well shows them that you can be a reliable friend and builds trust between you (but that's a gamble as some people won't respond to or appreciate that). As I find it hard to reveal vulnerabilities to people, I've learned to do this strategically enough to show that I'm not snobby (quiet people like myself can come across this way accidentally) and to show them that because I'm sharing with them, they can share with me. I find it hard to ask for help but I try and do this more and it makes me closer with my friends as people in general get a buzz out of helping someone. I try to go out of my way to help them as much as I can and I try and keep things close to my heart so they can trust me.

.

I'm in my 40s now. My experiences with friendships have taught me to keep my problems and deep emotions as private as possible. Friends will drop you, if you become disabled from chronic illness. They don't like helping, especially when their help may be required long term. People usually value the enjoyable aspects of their friendships rather than the times when they are needed for support. They will say things like "let me know when you're better" rather than, "how can I help you?" So, if you can, try to keep your problems to yourself, otherwise you won't have many friends. Friends hate it when you complain. Try to work your problems out on your own or seek the help of non-friends. When you are in distress/trouble, strangers are often more compassionate than your friends.

 

Be selective as to who you decide to help. Many friends will take and take from you without gratitude or reciprocation. Friends can abuse your kindness, leaving you feeling even more empty.

 

I know this sounds cynical, but it seems there are not many emotionally mature, humane people around.

 

So tips for making "close" friends-

Keep your problems to yourself, don't complain.

Be bubbly and fun.

Make people feel important and value them for who they are.

Don't go out of your way to help everyone, many people will perceive this as weakness and treat you as such.

Only talk about relatively superficial topics ie-avoid expressing painful personal feelings which could be too confronting for others.

If you don't have many friends, pretend you do. The more popular and socially active you seem, the more attractive you will appear.

 

But, OP, I sincerely hope you can find true friendship amongst all the fakeness of most relationships.

Edited October 17, 2016 by truthtripper

[thecrucible]

I'm in my 40s now. My experiences with friendships have taught me to keep my problems and deep emotions as private as possible.

 

This is definitely true.

 

So tips for making "close" friends-

Keep your problems to yourself, don't complain.

Be bubbly and fun.

Make people feel important and value them for who they are.

Don't go out of your way to help everyone, many people will perceive this as weakness and treat you as such.

Only talk about relatively superficial topics ie-avoid expressing painful personal feelings which could be too confronting for others.

If you don't have many friends, pretend you do. The more popular and socially active you seem, the more attractive you will appear.

 

This too!

[truthtripper]

Hi thecrucible,

 

Despite those above tips, we both know that a real or close friendship entails not being threatened by our friends' problems, being there for them, appreciating our friends for who they are, not for how popular they are or what their income is.

[thecrucible]

Hi thecrucible,

 

Despite those above tips, we both know that a real or close friendship entails not being threatened by our friends' problems, being there for them, appreciating our friends for who they are, not for how popular they are or what their income is.

 

Well I definitely agree on that. And these are some of the issues that friends can fall out over and part of the reason is pride from either party. Sometimes people are guilty of enmeshing their egos in another person's problem or maybe even another person's success (because it can cut both ways).

 

So maybe being someone's friend starts off differently at the beginning (when you want to get them interested in being your friend) to when you're actually in the friendship and want to maintain it? I think I am better with friends when I already have them than at turning acquaintances into friends. Maybe the OP feels the same?

[truthtripper]

Well I definitely agree on that. And these are some of the issues that friends can fall out over and part of the reason is pride from either party. Sometimes people are guilty of enmeshing their egos in another person's problem or maybe even another person's success (because it can cut both ways).

 

So maybe being someone's friend starts off differently at the beginning (when you want to get them interested in being your friend) to when you're actually in the friendship and want to maintain it? I think I am better with friends when I already have them than at turning acquaintances into friends. Maybe the OP feels the same?

It's a shame OP has disappeared. I wonder if OP is a more quiet, reserved person. This can make it harder to get closer to people. I once had a friend who was very quiet. She used to tell me how difficult it was for her to get to know people.

[JustGettingBy]

It's a shame OP has disappeared. I wonder if OP is a more quiet, reserved person. This can make it harder to get closer to people. I once had a friend who was very quiet. She used to tell me how difficult it was for her to get to know people.

 

Didn't really 'disappear', just didn't know how to respond to people. Thanks for turning the convo back to its original intent, though.

 

To answer your question, yes, I'm more quite and reserved, but that's because my experiences have shown its the only way to not get completely socially ostracised, so I'm kind of stuck.