Straight woman who attracts (closeted) gay men for dates/boyfriends? What gives?

October 7, 2016

I'm a straight woman, moderately attractive with a feminine style, but I've had many dates/boyfriends who were closeted gay guys. What gives?

In middle school and high school, there were a handful of guys who had crushes on me. All of them are now openly gay adults, including my childhood boyfriend.

In college, my first serious boyfriend came out to me almost a year later after I caught him using gay websites/chatrooms.

A few years later, I was in a relationship with a guy who after several months got comfortable enough to show me his thong underwear, swishy walk, and "stripper-type" gyrating dance moves.

Other guys I went on dates with have had wandering eyes and flirty smiles for men, but didn't check out any women.

My most recent (now ex-) boyfriend I caught sending naked photos - including butt photos - of himself to a gay guy he "friended" on Facebook.

I have had a few straight boyfriends - our relationships lasted between 1 to 3 years - but we just didn't work out in the end. So what is it about me that gay guys want to date me? Are they using me to experiment or as a cover to prove to their families they're not gay? Two of my gay ex-boyfriends also seemed to be in a rush to get married, and were very excited to "show me off" to their families.

October 7, 2016

Wow.

This story is so familiar to me. My last serious relationship was with a woman who was hyper-vigilant about me doing anything "gay". Gaydar was turned all the way up.

She said she was that way because her last three boyfriends, unbeknownst to her, turned out to be having sex with men undercover. She wanted to make sure that I did nothing that might indicate I was "gay".

I never understood how one woman had so much bad luck with men. She's actually a very pretty girl who gets constant male attention. The thing that really perplexed me is she's Japanese. I often wondered how did that play into the process, if at all.

For the record, I've never had any sexual interactions with any men in any shape or form. Eventually had to leave that relationship because of her gay paranoia and other things.

I've often wondered what was going on with her and the gay men that chose her. I have no clue.

For me, she made and held eye-contact with me when she was surrounded by three guys trying to pick her up. From that first glance, we both knew we would be together. She was gorgeous and I had to have her. I did, for five years. Unfortunately, the craziness from her previous relationships played a big role in why were are not together today.

I wish I had an answer to your questions, but I don't. It would be interesting if someone could shed some light into what's going on.

October 7, 2016

From what i see around where i live its because soo manyy People Are actually (closeted) gays today, so its far between the straight ones we like:cool: My mother in her youth before my father even married a man im sure was gay (he left her efter 3 kids, at least two og Them now also closeted gay), and My father was married before meeting My mother to a woman as closeted as they get:( so i think a lot of fear and syereotypes and wanting cildren is still making People act this way:(

October 7, 2016

Just a theory but maybe with the easiness of procuring easy gay sex via the internet, many guys who would have appeared to be and acted "entirely straight" in days gone by, are "experimenting" with other men covertly.

Maybe it is not YOU per se, attracting those guys, but the pool you are fishing in, in general, is getting a bit blurry as regards sexuality.

October 7, 2016

I have heard your story before. They say that 10℅ of the population is gay, but I think it is far higher. Things are going on behind closed doors you have no idea of. I too have gone out with guys whose sexuality was/is questionable. I wish I had an answer as to how and why this happens to others (you and me included). All I can say on the part of the other party/parties is that they are unsure of themselves in so many ways and they hate the fact that they can't come to terms with it. I have met a few guys who never had sex until they were in their mid/late twenties. And some of them were living with women they were engaged to be married to. I have met a few who secretly cruised gay dating web sites /apps, met up with others, etc.

I don't like a lot of this aspect of gay life. It's a hard life to have, no question. It's not made any easier by the inner conflict vs. the world, family, etc. People seak around and do crazy stuff. But they hurt others in the process.

October 7, 2016

Do you look like the ideal hot gf? I find that might be a reason...the perfect girl to look the part of the gf.

I know my ex turned out to be gay...and he was hiding it when I found out. He used me to cover his secret - pushed me off as the "hot gf" who had it all....he just used me for a cover.

October 7, 2016

Just throwing this out there, but did they all have a lot of what are considered feminine interests and hobbies, and that's also what you look for in men?

October 7, 2016

I used to always attract gay guys, some closeted, some not. Don't know why you do, but I did because of a couple of things. One, I was badass looking and acting and always working it. I remember one gay friend I remained friends with would reminisce about the first time he saw me and how he loved my hair all done big and all that. So some gay guys like a woman who is not afraid to work an image.

But what kept them around to remain friends until their untimely deaths was my deep tolerance and love and understanding for them being different in a time when many were just afraid of it and my interest in talking to them about it. Now I'm old and fat, I don't get the gay guy interest, so I think they way I looked was what brought them to get to know me first.

Also, I was assertive and would talk to someone. I got this one gay boyfriend standing in line and i just turned around and started talking and we started going out. He was closeted.

Times have changed, so the reasons you attract them may have changed. But pay attention and listen to them and it will come out. Anyway, just get to know when not to invest your heart if you know they're closeted and not bi, but there aren't any of the ones I knew I don't treasure the memory of as friends and miss like crazy.

October 8, 2016

Wow.

This story is so familiar to me. My last serious relationship was with a woman who was hyper-vigilant about me doing anything "gay". Gaydar was turned all the way up.

She said she was that way because her last three boyfriends, unbeknownst to her, turned out to be having sex with men undercover. She wanted to make sure that I did nothing that might indicate I was "gay".

I never understood how one woman had so much bad luck with men. She's actually a very pretty girl who gets constant male attention. The thing that really perplexed me is she's Japanese. I often wondered how did that play into the process, if at all.

For the record, I've never had any sexual interactions with any men in any shape or form. Eventually had to leave that relationship because of her gay paranoia and other things.

I've often wondered what was going on with her and the gay men that chose her. I have no clue.

For me, she made and held eye-contact with me when she was surrounded by three guys trying to pick her up. From that first glance, we both knew we would be together. She was gorgeous and I had to have her. I did, for five years. Unfortunately, the craziness from her previous relationships played a big role in why were are not together today.

I wish I had an answer to your questions, but I don't. It would be interesting if someone could shed some light into what's going on.

I'm really sorry things didn't work out with your ex. I think I might have the opposite problem. Perhaps my gaydar is broken? In most cases, the guys I dated did not yet know they were gay or became bicurious. They didn't act flamboyant or overly-feminine to me, and had the same stereotypical interests as "macho men". I've been thinking that maybe these guys were attracted to me because I'm the "type" of woman a straight guy is "supposed" to like? Feminine, kind, a good friend? I've always considered myself a girl-next-door type.

October 8, 2016

From what i see around where i live its because soo manyy People Are actually (closeted) gays today, so its far between the straight ones we like:cool: My mother in her youth before my father even married a man im sure was gay (he left her efter 3 kids, at least two og Them now also closeted gay), and My father was married before meeting My mother to a woman as closeted as they get:( so i think a lot of fear and syereotypes and wanting cildren is still making People act this way:(

I'm sure that regardless of sexual preference, people still have the desire to build families and children. Unfortunately, some people struggle with their idea of love and family when they have family/friends who are homophobic or anti-gay. Perhaps they think faking a heterosexual relationship will bring them happiness because they're not comfortable coming out? I can list several families where the husbands are gay but chose to marry and have children with women. I'm just terrified that my future husband might one day cheat on me with another man.

October 8, 2016

Just a theory but maybe with the easiness of procuring easy gay sex via the internet, many guys who would have appeared to be and acted "entirely straight" in days gone by, are "experimenting" with other men covertly.

Maybe it is not YOU per se, attracting those guys, but the pool you are fishing in, in general, is getting a bit blurry as regards sexuality.

Perhaps it's NOT ME, but it's still discouraging to have my relationships fail because my boyfriends were more attracted to men than to me. I'm not unattractive, but I would one day want to know what it feels like to be truly loved and desired by someone who prefers the female body. Due to my history, I can't help feeling like I've been the woman gay guys "settled" for or who they "experimented" with.

October 8, 2016

I have heard your story before. They say that 10℅ of the population is gay, but I think it is far higher. Things are going on behind closed doors you have no idea of. I too have gone out with guys whose sexuality was/is questionable. I wish I had an answer as to how and why this happens to others (you and me included). All I can say on the part of the other party/parties is that they are unsure of themselves in so many ways and they hate the fact that they can't come to terms with it. I have met a few guys who never had sex until they were in their mid/late twenties. And some of them were living with women they were engaged to be married to. I have met a few who secretly cruised gay dating web sites /apps, met up with others, etc.

I don't like a lot of this aspect of gay life. It's a hard life to have, no question. It's not made any easier by the inner conflict vs. the world, family, etc. People seak around and do crazy stuff. But they hurt others in the process.

Yes, it's the sneaking around that gets to me. It's one thing to be hurt because someone fell out of love with me, or because they decided the relationship wasn't working out. But I'd rather not be strung along while a guy figures himself out. I think he needs to remain single or date casually (get to know people) rather than settle down with a woman and giving her false hopes of a future together, marriage, children, etc., when he himself is unsure what he wants. I'm not the type to rush in to marraige, but I'm 31 and at an age when I'm not interested in flings or in settling for a person I can't picture myself marrying one day.

October 8, 2016

Do you look like the ideal hot gf? I find that might be a reason...the perfect girl to look the part of the gf.

I know my ex turned out to be gay...and he was hiding it when I found out. He used me to cover his secret - pushed me off as the "hot gf" who had it all....he just used me for a cover.

I WISH I could say I looked like an ideal HOT girlfriend hahaha! I think I'm presentable and attractive, and fairly intelligent. I try to be good and kind and stay out of trouble. I'm nice and respectful to people, and I like to volunteer and go to church. Perhaps my gay ex-boyfriends - who I'm still on friendly terms with - thought I was the "right" type of girl to introduce to their parents. The type of girl parents might not object having as a future daughter-in-law? That would be my guess...

October 8, 2016

Just throwing this out there, but did they all have a lot of what are considered feminine interests and hobbies, and that's also what you look for in men?

I thought about that, too, but actually they don't. They had stereotypical "macho" characteristics, and didn't start acting flamboyant until years after coming out. They also didn't seem more "in tune" to women's emotions than the average guy. I guess people like who they like; in this case, they liked men and not me lol

October 8, 2016

I used to always attract gay guys, some closeted, some not. Don't know why you do, but I did because of a couple of things. One, I was badass looking and acting and always working it. I remember one gay friend I remained friends with would reminisce about the first time he saw me and how he loved my hair all done big and all that. So some gay guys like a woman who is not afraid to work an image.

But what kept them around to remain friends until their untimely deaths was my deep tolerance and love and understanding for them being different in a time when many were just afraid of it and my interest in talking to them about it. Now I'm old and fat, I don't get the gay guy interest, so I think they way I looked was what brought them to get to know me first.

Also, I was assertive and would talk to someone. I got this one gay boyfriend standing in line and i just turned around and started talking and we started going out. He was closeted.

Times have changed, so the reasons you attract them may have changed. But pay attention and listen to them and it will come out. Anyway, just get to know when not to invest your heart if you know they're closeted and not bi, but there aren't any of the ones I knew I don't treasure the memory of as friends and miss like crazy.

I'm not sure I'm "badass looking and acting" like you, but I'm attractive and confident and speak my mind. I also clean up well, and tend to have guys stare at me but not approach me. The ones who are comfortable with me turn out to be gay, it seems.

A couple of my gay friends told me they were attracted to me not because they wanted to have sex with me, but that they wanted to BE me. It was a nice compliment, despite feeling awkward.

I'm happy that you remained an understanding and supportive friend. I still have lots of gay friends who feel comfortable talking to me a lot (sometimes in too much detail) about their lives, loves, and experiences. Some of these gay friends are also ex-boyfriends. I did not pick up on any cues in the beginning; I only began noticing "gay" things about them DURING our relationship.

I hope that's why I've attracted so many gay guys into my life - because I'm a good friend they felt comfortable talking to and being their true selves with. But I have to admit I felt regretful for getting invested in guys who were interested in men more than women. Perhaps one day I'll get it right.

October 8, 2016

I wish they'd all come out but don't think they will... in order to have biological children gay men and women will always try to fool straight people at least long enough to have as many kids as they want. But only a percentage of them can successfully do that.

It's hard to fake real, intense attraction to another person - that's one comfort. And many gays are so obviously homosexual they'd never be able to fake being otherwise..

I think the real problem is the bisexual... they can be genuinely attracted to you/and be very masculine but still be sleeping with men... And I don't want a bisexual any more than I want a gay man in my life.I don't know what the OP is doing to attract so many, unless it's "the secret" - she's subconsciously attracting to herself exactly what she fears/doesn't want... but unfortunately we live in an age where now this is something we all have to watch out for.

I wish we could to go back to a time of more innocence... when what people did behind closed doors stayed there... I don't want to know too much about others...

Edited October 8, 2016 by Fair

October 8, 2016

I've always been a bi magnet and actually that's what I'm attracted to too. I've always hated the intense sexual interest that hetero's display towards women. It's a real turn-off for me. So I suppose my lack of interest in my own counterparts, coupled with basically being female naturally selects me for bi relationships and also relationships with gay men too. I don't have any hangups about those two orientations and prefer the personal expression of both so that's why. I'm open to it, and closed to the natural option most het women choose.

I think people can read this about me rather easily. Much like gaydar or similar. They just know I'm open to it or at the very least not against it.

October 9, 2016

I'm not sure I'm "badass looking and acting" like you, but I'm attractive and confident and speak my mind. I also clean up well, and tend to have guys stare at me but not approach me. The ones who are comfortable with me turn out to be gay, it seems.

A couple of my gay friends told me they were attracted to me not because they wanted to have sex with me, but that they wanted to BE me. It was a nice compliment, despite feeling awkward.

I'm happy that you remained an understanding and supportive friend. I still have lots of gay friends who feel comfortable talking to me a lot (sometimes in too much detail) about their lives, loves, and experiences. Some of these gay friends are also ex-boyfriends. I did not pick up on any cues in the beginning; I only began noticing "gay" things about them DURING our relationship.

I hope that's why I've attracted so many gay guys into my life - because I'm a good friend they felt comfortable talking to and being their true selves with. But I have to admit I felt regretful for getting invested in guys who were interested in men more than women. Perhaps one day I'll get it right.

Well, that's all good reasons for them to like you. And I think you're right about want to BE you. I'm sure that was it with a couple of mine. Well, one was a transgender guy who was attracted to women but couldn't function with them unless he was also being the women he was inside. I knew he was somewhat dysfunctional (we were business associates) because he told me about his one and only past girlfriend and how that ended and he was still very hung up on her and it. He was an attractive enough guy with a dream job, so he should have been able to date a variety of women no problem, but he wasn't functioning that way, so he and I were friends/associates.

One day he asked me to dinner and said he had something to tell me. I kind of thought he'd say he was gay, though he didn't "seem" gay to me, but it's all I could fathom. So over dinner, he whipped out a photo of himself dressed up and made up as me. It really looked like me. I told him "You look more like me than I do." So there you go. It was his way of letting me know he wanted to be a woman. He would travel to one town in the east where transgenders were common and dress as a woman there and he felt most at least sexually in that scenario, but you know how hard it is to find your match when you're a minority sex variety.

Queens have always approached me at dance clubs and in places where there's some on the street, like New Orleans. When young, I was certainly a gender mix myself, kind of masculine in some ways and at some times, but only into men. So some of them picked up on that because I'd emphasize it with the way I dressed sometimes. And I had swagger that wasn't commonplace in women.

Because I'm assertive, I sometimes was drawn to some guys who weren't, but over time, I washed my hands of that because they never changed. In other words, just because i was assertive enough to get past their unassertive issues didn't mean they ever became more than what they presented at first. Familiarity might have made them talk more, but they still had the same tendencies to avoid rather than engage everyday life. That's not for me.

I was hanging with this guy for 4 years who was a closeted gay guy and wouldn't admit it. He had big fear issues that I never could figure out where they came from and it wasn't just about being gay, it was sex in general. He had nightmares of being in hell that were of a sexual nature and about me. We didn't have sex or anything near it. But he considered me his girlfriend and got hurt when I saw other guys. It was nuts. I finally dumped him over not cleaning his guinae pig cage and walked away. Before he met me, all his little friend group were young punky type gays, so not sure why he didn't think he was. There was one guy after him and when I broke up, he went straight to him. Part of me hopes that guy had as hard a time getting laid as I did. But I doubt it because I got the vibe this guy wanted to be forced, and I wouldn't do that. He didn't want the moral responsibility of choosing to have sex. Don't know how he got that messed up, poor guy. I hope he's happy now.

October 10, 2016

Just my thoughts - I'm wondering if the thicker skin gay men have due to prior prejudice have allow them to approach and be in relationships with you since there isn't the self consciousness and sexual tension that straight men have. Perhaps they considered themselves straight at one point but they came to terms with their true sexuality over time and by being with you (maybe you give off a non-judgmental vibe), they felt like they could be themselves. However this isn't working because you want to be in an authentic relationship where you are romantically and sexually desired, without having to worry whether the guy you are with is gay or not.

If you want to attract straight guys, think about the social circles you are involved in or the places where you are open to forming relationships - try different clubs or bars, gyms, different dating sites, etc. Maybe in these new situations you might find yourself being approached by genuinely heterosexual men. I hope this helps

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Straight woman who attracts (closeted) gay men for dates/boyfriends? What gives?

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