Difference in boundaries. Over-reacting?

[ella1992]

Hi,

 

After spending 3 months with my boyfriend on a different continent I'm finding it difficult to adjust to 'normal' life again. Before I jetted off to America I had just graduated as a nurse but also had a steady part-time job that I had to quit. However I just want to mainly speak about the relationship I have with my boyfriend.

 

He has lived in America since January so it goes without saying there have been ups and downs. He has a doctorate and is very ambitious, as am I. However when we first travelled to America he was very secretive about his phone and I had never given him any reason to be (never looked at his messages etc). He says he doesn't like me touching his phone as I admittedly do have a bad track record in breaking my own phones- I do not buy this. I decided one evening that I would check his phone because my inquisitive nature and gut feeling got the better of me. I was totally wrong to do this and I had never looked at his messages in the year and a half that we had been together at this point.

 

Some of the messages I found made my heart sink and bringing this up with him he makes me feel like I'm being overly jealous. One girl he had slept with months before we got together sent him a message wishing him 'good will and joy' (this was 3 months into our relationship). This seemed fine however he sent a message back saying 'Thanks Rebecca- and to you too. I hope you are enjoying your San Diego trip. I saw your message in your notebook today and smiled for ages '. He wouldn't tell me what this message was but said it was a really nice message and he couldn't not acknowledge it.

 

Another one is where he insists he has a 'platonic' relationship with the woman. When we first started dating again (second time round after 2 years of being apart) they were speaking and he told her that he had a 'hot date' with me and mentioned we both had the edge of a cold so perhaps not hot.... she said 'wishing you well even although I'm hoping I can stand in as her healthier understudy' to which he replied 'haha-awww'.

They have constantly messaged on and off throughout our relationship. Another example of the flirtatious ways in which they speak is when my boyfriend and I went on a trip to Ikea. They were speaking about it signalling 'nesting'. She said 'I think there's a universe where you have taken me to Ikea. If I may be so bold'. To which he replied 'That's conceivable'.

 

She lives in America too so one night he left work and made an hour journey to meet up with her for dinner. She seemed to be putting a lot of thought into where they could eat.

 

I can't remember him telling me about this and he makes me feel like I'm over-reacting. This happened when we had been in separate continents. Afterwards there she messaged him about forgetting to do their 'ritual' together (taking vitamins/supplements) and he said 'Well we'll just have to start a new ritual together.

 

I feel like he doesn't see where I'm coming from. He expresses that he's not interested in her that way and that's not what I care about. I just feel disrespected. I don't speak or let anyone speak to me in such a suggestive manner. I want to know if I'm over-thinking things since he proclaims he's fully committed to and loves me?

[smackie9]

Sorry you feel that way, but it sounds like that are just being friends. You don't like it, just tell him....discuss boundaries.

 

remember it doesn't matter what others think, what matters is what YOU think...this is between you and him to work out.

Edited October 7, 2016 by smackie9

[GemmaUK]

You said you were going to talk about the relationship you have with him.

 

Instead you told us of messages which you saw because you chose to snoop which are nothing much, they aren't flirty, bit of teasing eg 'nesting' but not flirty.

 

So what is your relationship like?

Do you get on well? Do you both treat each other well and with respect?

(well, usually anyway without phone snooping)

[LD1990]

You're right to be concerned, or at least annoyed. It's blatantly obvious that this "platonic" friend is attracted to your boyfriend - asking to be your "healthier understudy" and mentioning this other universe where the two of them are together makes that clear. It sounds like your boyfriend isn't attracted to her, but that doesn't make what he's doing right. She's flirting with him and he hasn't stopped her.

 

I'd talk to him if I were you and let him know you don't think this friendship is appropriate as she's clearly into him. Ask how he'd feel if the situation was reversed and you were getting flirty messages from some guy.

[ella1992]

That's the thing as well. I didn't want to post everything as I wanted to see what people thought of these messages mainly. I have felt disrespected very much so recently and I have written him a letter so I can get my thoughts straight. The latest incident was when we were out at a bar/restaurant- there was a band where the singer was a young woman. We were finishing eating our burgers when he was mid-sentence, suddenly he stopped to pay full attention to this singer with a massive grin on his face. I asked him not once but three times 'what were you going to say?' and he completely ignored me and didn't even make eye contact. Seriously? There was a whole camping trip we went on where I was ignored in amongst strangers (who he knew) for most of the weekend.

[vanhalenfan]

Yes, I would feel disrespected. I would be concerned just as you are. In fact, I've been through it with my fiance recently...Snooping through texts and FB messenger and finding very questionable communication with an ex and 2 women friends. Reading this post brought me back through those same emotions, so I can really empathize with you.

 

I know some will say it's nothing and you're over-analyzing but I have to disagree. Some will say it's okay to flirt whilst being in a relationship because it's "innocent". Well, let me tell you I've seen this time and time again here on LS and in real life: This little flirty banter is how affairs begin. Just a little seed is all it takes...and she's throwing those seeds out at him.

 

It comes down to whether or not you feel that you can trust him. The no-touching-phone deal would bother me as well. Just keep your eyes and ears open and be vigilant. Not saying to break up with him over this...but boundaries definitely need to be discussed. That's what I did; I made what I will and will not tolerate crystal clear.

 

Best of luck to you!

[smackie9]

That's the thing as well. I didn't want to post everything as I wanted to see what people thought of these messages mainly. I have felt disrespected very much so recently and I have written him a letter so I can get my thoughts straight. The latest incident was when we were out at a bar/restaurant- there was a band where the singer was a young woman. We were finishing eating our burgers when he was mid-sentence, suddenly he stopped to pay full attention to this singer with a massive grin on his face. I asked him not once but three times 'what were you going to say?' and he completely ignored me and didn't even make eye contact. Seriously? There was a whole camping trip we went on where I was ignored in amongst strangers (who he knew) for most of the weekend.

And why do you want to be with this guy??? LISTEN you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. He doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated so you should just kick him to the curb. You can't turn a turd into gold.