I've been married for 19 years...

[HawkeyeDave]

Last June, just after we came home from vacation, my wife came downstairs and told me that she didn't love me anymore. To be honest, it wasn't the first time that she expressed such feelings, but I just attributed it to depression. My wife suffered through epilepsy for over 5 years, so I figured that she was just having troubles handling the stress and blamed it on our marriage.

Over the course of our marriage we have had three wonderful, extremely intelligent boys who, at times, can make life hard with their bickering. Their ages are: 14, 12 and 9. We have had the normal issues to deal with. We have a lot of debt and struggle to make ends meet, but we have always dealt with it and worked together to make things work.

 

 

When she told me that she was worried that our marriage was over, I was devastated. I love my wife and the thought of losing her is unbearable. I pressed for details and finally asked if she was having an affair. She admitted that she had developed feelings for someone else. The first name I threw out as someone I suspected she laughed at and said that she thought he was gay. The second name, which I think she was surprised that I thought of, was the correct guess! I filed for divorce several days later. She said that while they had kissed, that they had never had sex. Later, he cut off all ties with her and went back to his old girlfriend. He's been divorced a short time. I believed the guy and I were, if not friends, at least on good terms. I told her once that I liked the guy and thought that he'd be a guy I could hang out with. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

She told me that she didn't think that I cared anymore and wouldn't be upset by this revelation. While we haven't been as intimate as we used to be, I thought that our relationship had grown to a point where intimacy wasn't the primary focus of our relationship anymore. As I said, we have young boys in our home and we're always taking care of their needs which doesn't leave much time for us.

 

 

I have to admit that much of her loss of emotion for me was my fault. I've always had a fascination with porn and have hidden purchases from her. To her, this underscored more serious trust issues. She accused me of having an affair when she was pregnant with our first child. This was absolutely not true. I can't begin to think of any woman but her.

We separated for a while over the summer. I lived at my folks house for about six weeks until I moved back home just after the school year started. Since I've been back home we have shared the same bed and have had sex, once, but afterwards we both admitted that it was too soon to believe we were back to a normal situation. She then told me that she "likes me" but the unsaid words were that she doesn't love me.

 

 

In less than a month we have a pre-trial conference with the judge. This divorce proceeding seems like a freight train that is running out of control! I told her that I don't want the divorce. I want to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. I don't want to lose her and she knows this. I do think she is trying to find a way to mend her heart, but I'm afraid that she's already made up her mind emotionally and just lacks the courage to tell me it's over.

 

 

I don't know what I'll do if our marriage ends. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Edited October 7, 2016 by HawkeyeDave

[DKT3]

Nope she hasn't given up on this other guy yet. I know it's hard, been there, but you have to start detachment, she isn't the woman you married. Right now she is keeping you just engaged enough. But trust has OM been willing she would have already discarded you.

[HawkeyeDave]

What does "OM" mean?

 

 

Oh, other man.

 

 

I get it now.

 

 

Yes, that thought had occurred to me also. There are too many reasons to not discard our marriage. I worry that she's not the same person I married, but it so many ways she still is.

 

 

I'm scared of starting over at 53. It's hard to think of being alone again.

Edited October 7, 2016 by HawkeyeDave

[Marc878]

A kiss in an affair = sex.

 

This situation is pretty typical. She's following the cheaters script.

 

You need to see the reality of your situation instead of being in denial of who she is and where you're at.

[HawkeyeDave]

I've loved this woman for over twenty years. I can't imagine just turning off that emotion.

 

 

The other thing is, I accept my role in what went wrong with our marriage. I shut her out emotionally and I understand why things went sour. I do want to save our marriage but I know that this is something that's beyond my control. I'm in sales and control is everything to me. I'm not a control freak, but it is frustrating to have a decision that is so hard to predict.

 

 

Also, I'm not in denial. I understand that her feelings ran deep for this other guy and things went a lot farther than what she's willing to admit. I know she has an immense amount of guilt about the affair. I know that's she's afraid of how the divorce will impact her relationship with her family (very religious), my family (she's close to my parents), and our boys.

 

 

I don't want her to be unhappy almost as much as I don't want her to leave. Ultimately, I'll have to learn to move on and hope for the best. I guess I don't have a choice, so I can either give up or look for the next great thing and try not to make the same mistakes a second time. Like all divorcees, I'm not sure that I can ever trust someone to the extent I trusted my wife. I don't want to experience this much grief ever again.

[Robert]

What does "OM" mean?

 

 

Oh, other man.

 

 

I get it now.

 

 

This link will explain more of the acronyms you may see here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/367538-loveshack-terminology

 

~6

[elaine567]

I have to admit that much of her loss of emotion for me was my fault. I've always had a fascination with porn and have hidden purchases from her. To her, this underscored more serious trust issues.

 

Your fascination with porn has cost you your marriage in a nutshell. Many women cannot feel emotionally and sexually close to a man, who is essentially getting his jollies elsewhere. It is akin to cheating for some women. The fact you were spending money, money that is tight anyway on porn I guess didn't help

She disconnected from you, and she went looking and found another man.

If she is adamant she wants a divorce there is little you can do, but have you both been to counselling individually and together.

With three young boys, I think you need to make a huge effort to try and work this out.

[DKT3]

I've loved this woman for over twenty years. I can't imagine just turning off that emotion.

 

 

The other thing is, I accept my role in what went wrong with our marriage. I shut her out emotionally and I understand why things went sour. I do want to save our marriage but I know that this is something that's beyond my control. I'm in sales and control is everything to me. I'm not a control freak, but it is frustrating to have a decision that is so hard to predict.

 

 

Also, I'm not in denial. I understand that her feelings ran deep for this other guy and things went a lot farther than what she's willing to admit. I know she has an immense amount of guilt about the affair. I know that's she's afraid of how the divorce will impact her relationship with her family (very religious), my family (she's close to my parents), and our boys.

 

 

I don't want her to be unhappy almost as much as I don't want her to leave. Ultimately, I'll have to learn to move on and hope for the best. I guess I don't have a choice, so I can either give up or look for the next great thing and try not to make the same mistakes a second time. Like all divorcees, I'm not sure that I can ever trust someone to the extent I trusted my wife. I don't want to experience this much grief ever again.

Affairs are like a trigonometry textbook, it will take 10-12 editions to get it right (the real truth).

 

First take what she says with a grain of salt, all if it, only believe what you can verify or see. Reason? You are living with the enemy, your best interest and protecting you isn't a top priority for her right. Watch her actions, detach. Focus on your kids and make sure to take care of yourself.

[Marc878]

You own 50% of the marriage. The affair was a decision she made and she owns that 100%. Was your wife perfect? I doubt it. Did you go out and have an affair on her?

[Mr. Lucky]

Your loving her isn't enough, from what you've wrote she has reasons for staying, none include you. You can travel the hard road and allow her to stick you in limbo while she continues to sneak around minimize and lie. Or you can take control of your life and future.

 

I'm afraid Hawkeye Dave, this is brutal - but true. You're the back-up plan, right now she's got nowhere else to go. You'll have to decide if those crumbs are enough for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

I'd like to ask you why you think your wife should stay married to you when you fully explained there's no intimacy and you focus more on porn than connecting with her?

 

Why haven't you made spending time with her a top priority? The "we have kids" is a big excuse! You could take her out once a week.

 

Why have you thought your wife should stay when you weren't even willing to pay attention to her?

 

I don't agree with anyone having an affair - that's not a solution... But the way you've participated in your M isn't adequate.

 

Think about how you could treat your best wife better.

 

Get the D over with ASAP - it's been dead a long time.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'd like to ask you why you think your wife should stay married to you when you fully explained there's no intimacy and you focus more on porn than connecting with her?

 

Why haven't you made spending time with her a top priority? The "we have kids" is a big excuse! You could take her out once a week.

 

Why have you thought your wife should stay when you weren't even willing to pay attention to her?

 

I don't agree with anyone having an affair - that's not a solution... But the way you've participated in your M isn't adequate.

 

Think about how you could treat your best wife better.

 

Get the D over with ASAP - it's been dead a long time.

 

I am a BS to a porn addict.

 

So basically my husband has a fixation with porn (or AR least "did.") And it killed our sex life.

 

In our history, he also cheated.

 

IMHO, the feelings stemming from both, and the fallout are about equal. Possibly with more fallout from the porn addiction, actually.

 

Just to add some clarity.

 

But perhaps contact Divorce Busters, they may be able to guide you.

 

But also IMHO, the more guys immese themselves in porn, the more the sex SUCKS. I have had this experience with ex-bfs before my husband. Some were porn freaks, some weren't. Porn freaks gave a rather lackluster performance.

 

My husband started off without oorn and then when we moved in together and got his own laptop (I steas of only having access to a shared computer before) it totally doomed us.

[BluesPower]

Guys, I really don't understand why some of the advice and posts are so vague for Dave, it does not seem really helpful. Not trying to be a jerk to anyone in particular. Maybe I am wrong but some of it reads that way.

 

So Dave, here is my 2 cents....

 

1) I guess from your 2nd post you realize that your wife was sleeping with the guy and later he dumped her, which is the reason she is not still sleeping with him as far as you know.

 

2) The affair was in no way your fault for any reason, she could have talked with you about her feelings about whatever before she started sleeping around.

 

3) The porn this totally your fault and is kind of stupid. Porn may/may not have its place, but for that to in any way take away the intimacy in a marriage is just moronic to say the least.

 

4) What made you think that a marriage should have a lack of intimacy stage in it? I mean did you read that when you wrote it? Dude, women need attention, affirmation, sex, intimacy, and romance just to list a few things on the list. You thought differently for some reason which I cannot understand.

 

5) I may be too late for your marriage, but you need to look into the divorce busters stuff as an initial starting place for sure.

 

6) Before you start with the DB stuff and any other stuff you think to try, can you deal with the fact that wife chose to have sex with another man? Because, you kind of need to start there. And, you really cannot be sure that they are not still or will not start sleeping together sometime soon in the future, so you are going to need to deal with that pretty soon.

 

7) Do you have it in you to try and save your marriage? It is going to take more work and change on your part than you can imagine. And it is hard to say but your wife may already be done, but if you can get her on board you may have a chance.

 

Gook luck and keep posting...

[HawkeyeDave]

Guys, I really don't understand why some of the advice and posts are so vague for Dave, it does not seem really helpful. Not trying to be a jerk to anyone in particular. Maybe I am wrong but some of it reads that way.

 

So Dave, here is my 2 cents....

 

1) I guess from your 2nd post you realize that your wife was sleeping with the guy and later he dumped her, which is the reason she is not still sleeping with him as far as you know.

 

2) The affair was in no way your fault for any reason, she could have talked with you about her feelings about whatever before she started sleeping around.

 

3) The porn this totally your fault and is kind of stupid. Porn may/may not have its place, but for that to in any way take away the intimacy in a marriage is just moronic to say the least.

 

4) What made you think that a marriage should have a lack of intimacy stage in it? I mean did you read that when you wrote it? Dude, women need attention, affirmation, sex, intimacy, and romance just to list a few things on the list. You thought differently for some reason which I cannot understand.

 

5) I may be too late for your marriage, but you need to look into the divorce busters stuff as an initial starting place for sure.

 

6) Before you start with the DB stuff and any other stuff you think to try, can you deal with the fact that wife chose to have sex with another man? Because, you kind of need to start there. And, you really cannot be sure that they are not still or will not start sleeping together sometime soon in the future, so you are going to need to deal with that pretty soon.

 

7) Do you have it in you to try and save your marriage? It is going to take more work and change on your part than you can imagine. And it is hard to say but your wife may already be done, but if you can get her on board you may have a chance.

 

Gook luck and keep posting...

 

 

We are working on the marriage. In fact, we're going on a date tonight. I'm trying very hard to save the marriage. I've sworn off porn and I'm working on being available for her. Our marriage is worth saving. I won't give up until there is no other choice.

 

 

 

She did talk to me about problems in the past, but I basically ignored her. My reaction to her was more about the place I was in emotionally. I, like everyone else at some point, was going through a rough time. I lost a sister in a car accident. We were very close and I could always turn to her for advice. Losing her was devastating. I literally could not talk about her for at least two years without breaking down. Losing my marriage has put me in a similar place. I realize, however, that I can work on being the guy she fell in love with and try to make things work. If it doesn't work out then I can hold my head high knowing that I tried.

 

 

I appreciate the advice from everyone. Keep it coming!

[S2B]

What have you planned for the date?

[HawkeyeDave]

What have you planned for the date?

 

 

 

We're going to a wine bar where my best friend's brother is performing tonight. My wife enjoys a glass of wine and this place is kind of intimate. I'm a little nervous to tell you the truth. I'm more of a beer kind of guy.

 

 

I've got my fingers crossed!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Hawkeye, so how did the date go? Hope it works out for you two. Cheers!

[standtall]

Well hawkeye...as much as I wish you the best with the OP's here, the reality is grim. Your marriage is in my thoughts, steel yourself, and good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are working on the marriage. In fact, we're going on a date tonight.

 

Better than nothing...barely.

 

Is there a reason you both haven't agreed to MC? There are a number of issues in your relationship that need to be addressed by both parties...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HawkeyeDave]

Hi Hawkeye, so how did the date go? Hope it works out for you two. Cheers!

 

Thanks for asking. The date went well. Sorry I haven't been able to respond, but my oldest son was in a car accident over the weekend and I had to attend to his needs. He's going to require surgery to repair his right foot, which had every metacarpal bone broken. He's lucky to be alive, but he's got a long road ahead.

 

 

As far as my wife and I are concerned, we're talking about going out again this weekend. I know the prevailing sentiment around here is that things are "grim", but I think we're pulling together. Maybe it's wishful thinking, and I do have my doubts, but it feels like we're bonding again.

 

 

To the post that asked about MC, we did do the marriage counseling thing. While I think it helped me, I don't know that my wife got much out of it. I believe that she was feeling guarded and was afraid to let go and reinvest in us.

 

 

I can't honestly say that we're going to make our marriage work. There are times when I feel like I'll never trust her again and that if I'm wanting to save my marriage I've got to be willing to let go and give her that trust. I'm scared. There are times when I think that maybe we would be better off getting divorced and moving on. When I think of my boys, however, I know that the marriage is worth fighting for. I do love my wife. I just want what's best for all of us and I'm not really sure what that is going to be.

[BluesPower]

So sorry to hear about your son. I have 2 boys and a daughter and they worry me constantly and they are older. Just hang in there it, they can do a lot with surgery these days.

 

You never said whether you realized that your wife was sleeping with the guy? Maybe you don't think that it happened or don't want to recognize it? Also, what makes you think that she is not still sleeping with him or is not in contact at the very least, because she told you? You need to think about that.

 

Also, you don't have to trust her at all. She is the one that had the affair not you. If you think you will ever trust her completely again, even after you find out the extent of the affair, you need to go ahead and finish the divorce because you never will, nor should you.

 

MC after an affair can be a lot more helpful than before, so think about it some more.

 

Also, 53 is not that old if you have to start over, so don't sweat that.

 

Hang in there with everything and keep posting so we know how you are doing...

[HawkeyeDave]

So sorry to hear about your son. I have 2 boys and a daughter and they worry me constantly and they are older. Just hang in there it, they can do a lot with surgery these days.

 

You never said whether you realized that your wife was sleeping with the guy? Maybe you don't think that it happened or don't want to recognize it? Also, what makes you think that she is not still sleeping with him or is not in contact at the very least, because she told you? You need to think about that.

 

Also, you don't have to trust her at all. She is the one that had the affair not you. If you think you will ever trust her completely again, even after you find out the extent of the affair, you need to go ahead and finish the divorce because you never will, nor should you.

 

MC after an affair can be a lot more helpful than before, so think about it some more.

 

Also, 53 is not that old if you have to start over, so don't sweat that.

 

Hang in there with everything and keep posting so we know how you are doing...

 

Thanks for the thoughts about my boy.

 

 

My wife sat me down and told me about her interest in this other guy. She said that she had not had sex with the guy but that it was headed in that direction. I actually confronted the guy and told him, not very nicely, that he should keep his effing hands off of my wife. She tells me that they had both agreed that what they were doing was a mistake and that it ended soon after it began. But, she also told me that she had strong feelings for the guy. Couple that with the fact that she said she was no longer "in love with me" and that she had feelings for someone else and it's not hard to imagine the pain I had to deal with.

 

 

I want to believe her when she said that they never had sex. I told her that I wasn't sure that I could believe her about how intimate they had been. Still, she never had to tell me about the affair at all and she did. I feel like we're making progress and getting back to a place where we can have a strong marriage again. Still, I sometimes wonder in my weaker moments if he were to try to win her back what she would do. He broke off all contact with her and she admitted that it broke her heart. She had placed a lot of trust with him and felt like she was broken.

 

 

I'm seven years older than my wife. When we were first married, I was by far more successful than her. My family had a well established business of which I was a big part. When my sister died, we decided to sell the business and get out at a good time. It was a good choice, but since I have struggled to work for any business that wasn't my own. She has moved up in the world and has been the primary bread winner for the last four or five years. You can imagine how this has made me feel. Now, I wonder if my age, my lack of financial contributions, etc., has made her feel as if I'm not worthy anymore.

 

 

We spent fifteen years paying off her student loans through graduate school. We finally were getting to a point where our combined income could get us ahead and then this happens. Also, the last five years have been especially hard because she developed epilepsy. For four years she was almost completely dependent on me driving her to work as well as doing the vast majority of keeping the home running. She had surgery which removed the affected area of her brain causing the problems. She has been seizure free since then and has been driving since she got the all clear from her doctor.

 

 

I'm really stressed out most of the time. I'm trying to not be confrontational anymore. There was enough of that early on. Now I just want to get back to a point where we can move on with our lives, hopefully together.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm really stressed out most of the time. I'm trying to not be confrontational anymore. There was enough of that early on. Now I just want to get back to a point where we can move on with our lives, hopefully together.

 

I think much of your stress come from trying to bury what's happened without dealing with it.

 

At the very least, you wife has had an emotional affair and physical interaction with another man. To rebuild trust, she should be remorseful and transparent in her actions. Do you have her passwords to cellphone, email, social media, etc? Is she actively trying to make your relationship better? Would she willingly participate in MC to address the existing issues?

 

Absent any of the above, you could easily spend the next 5-10 years under the same roof with the same problems that got you to this point. Not how I'd want to live my life, not how I'd recommend you live yours.

 

Hope things go well for your son...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

HawkeyeDave,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through, I do hope you can work it out.

 

I wish I could say that I believe she is telling the truth, but I am afraid that she in not, I am sorry. I hope I am wrong, but having been on the both sides of this issue, it really just never happens that way.

 

I totally understand the pain that you are in. and Just so you know, it is your wife's responsibility to help you heal from that pain or at least let you move one so she and you can be free to be with someone else.

 

Lucky is to totally correct in everything that he is saying. If she is not doing all those things, then she is not remorseful at all. I she is not remorseful and doing all the things that she should, more than likely she is still having the affair.

 

Why would she tell you if it was not over? Several reasons, 1) to see if you would divorce her because she is too scared to do it on her own, and 2) because she felt guilty .

 

Also, they always get feelings for the AP and they are almost never real. But they think that they are.

 

But more importantly for you, I want to urge you not to live in fear of divorcing her because you don't know what is on the other side. I will guarantee you that there are a ton of women that would find you attractive and want to be with you.

 

If your wife does not love you, which is what she is saying, and she is not invested in the marriage, dude you need to move on and find someone new. It is really just not worth it.

 

I do hope everything works out.

[HawkeyeDave]

Last night my wife came downstairs while I was cleaning my man cave bathroom. She pulled me aside and we started talking about us. She told me that she's miserable in her new job and is so stressed out about it and everything else going horribly wrong in her life. She told me that she thinks it might be a good idea to put the divorce "on hold".

 

 

We have a meeting with our judge in less than a month. I've never been through a divorce before but I am not sure that you can just indefinitely postpone the proceedings. Is there a time line that things have to be done by or the divorce is dismissed? Iowa

 

 

She knows that I don't want the divorce. I suggested that maybe we should terminate the divorce proceedings, but she said that we would have to start all over again and didn't think it was the smart thing to do. At one point she asked if I was seeing anybody and I laughed and said no. That's the furthest thing in my mind right now.

 

 

We talked for a bit about the fact that we had sex about two weeks ago. I told her that the entire time I felt that she was having sex with me just to appease my needs and that I wasn't sure what it meant to her. She told me that she is so broken right now that the idea of sex frightens her. She doesn't want me to hurt, but she also doesn't want me to think that she is ready to trust me, herself and the confusion she has with the rest of the issues in her life.

 

 

We both ended up crying. My son came downstairs and we had to table the discussion for another time. His fifteenth birthday is today and she had promised to take him out to buy a cake, etc. I told her that I was going downtown to check out a new brew pub, which I did.

 

 

I know that she's ashamed of what's happened regarding the relationship she had with the other guy. I think her shame is standing in the way of us moving on. I've told her repeatedly that I accept my role in her seeking attention. She's told me several times that she missed being loved and adored by me.

 

 

I'm rambling on. I'm frustrated and confused. She says she loves our family. I do too. I don't want to get divorced, but sometimes it seems like the only way to move forward is to go through with it. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it right for both of us. But, God help me, I don't know what to do.