I've been married for 19 years...

[S2B]

There's no chance of having a healthy marriage if she isn't the one giving and sacrificing 150% for you!

 

And she's not!

 

When it's all about her (or even partially about her at this stage) no repairs can be done - the marriage cannot be mended.

 

She's still a selfish taker... and that means she's still vulnerable to cheat on you.

[Cephalopod]

She doesn't love you anymore. Let her go. File for divorce.

[MajorOak]

Your wife and your marriage is a thing of the past, there's nothing to save.

 

What you are considering is starting a new marriage, with a woman you thought you knew.

Now, with what you already know.

Does committing the rest of your life to this person sound like the right move?

[stillafool]

What will happen when another man comes along to spark your wife's interest? Because she has expressed she isn't in love with you she will more than likely enter another affair at some point.

[HawkeyeDave]

I haven't posted for a while so here it is.

 

 

 

 

I can't tell you how much it means to me to not give up on my marriage. We both know that we have both made mistakes. There are still several hurdles that we're going to have to face together. I think one of her biggest fears is facing my family. One of my biggest challenges is trusting her to the level that I did before this fiasco started.

 

 

I am more than willing to do everything I can to save my marriage. I have three wonderful boys at home who need to have a stable household. I can't simply walk away because of what happened. We are both working hard on finding that "spark" again. For what it's worth, I think things are going to work out for us.

 

 

We went out last Saturday night and had a very good time. We both agreed that we would be home early and get some much needed rest. We didn't get home until 2am. We danced, laughed and had a very good time.

 

 

I know the prevailing opinion is that I should get the marriage over with, but we have put the divorce on hold. Yesterday she even mentioned dismissing the petition for divorce. Based on the replies that I've read, it seems the odds against reconciliation are slim. But hey, people play the lottery despite the odds! Why shouldn't I give her the chance to be the person that I married? Twenty years together shouldn't be thrown away because of the mistakes we've made.

 

 

I appreciate the thoughts and suggestions, but I'm going to follow my heart. If things don't end up working out, at least I'll know that I tried my level best and I won't have any regrets about simply giving up.

[Mr. Lucky]

I appreciate the thoughts and suggestions, but I'm going to follow my heart. If things don't end up working out, at least I'll know that I tried my level best and I won't have any regrets about simply giving up.

 

The only standards you have to worry about meeting are your own.

 

My wife reiterated that she wants to put the divorce on hold. We spent a lot of time talking this weekend about our fears of us as a couple. She's worried that, once things start going back to the routine, I will go back to being distant and not there for her when she needs me. I fear that I will not be able to return to a place where I can fully trust her again. She has that fear also.

 

It's obvious you're doing everything you can to repair the "distant" issue.

 

What's your wife doing to address the "trust" issue?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LancasterAmos1966]

I appreciate the thoughts and suggestions, but I'm going to follow my heart. If things don't end up working out, at least I'll know that I tried my level best and I won't have any regrets about simply giving up.

 

 

I applaud you for taking this pathway.

 

You might lose, like I did, but you'll be able to stand tall no matter which way this turns out.

 

I'm not on a bully-pulpit demanding that others choose to forgive, stay together, etc., but since you made it clear that you are going to give it all you got, I'd like to suggest that you google "a Standers affirmation" for a short essay on not giving up on your spouse/marriage.

[Jersey born raised]

Shattered lady wrote a post that sums of perfectly what is missing from your wife and until it is present the marriage will only decline.

 

 

 

Getting it - remorse*

 

This post I wrote based on a comment made in response by a BW to another WW. *The WW had a one year adulterous PA & EA relationship with a MM cow. *The the P/A occurred when ever he traveled for work which often. *The WW wrote how when he traveled she found herself missing MM and the relationship while refusing to break NC, except for work, and felt torn with the need to reach out. * In short she was filled with regret for the adultery, she mourned its ending and miss it. *This is what she wrote:*

 

I'm a BS. I do have compassion & understanding. I recognize that this is a forum & NOT a portal into your brain!

 

You post what's on your mind & what you would like help with so PLEASE take this as nothing more than a rant from a BS who's telling you what I would love to happen in my life...not a criticism.

 

When I read the above post my gut reaction is, "Ugh!! Another clueless WS!! She's so far from getting it!".*

 

As a BS I WANT your thoughts to be.... 'When my H went out of town I would be excited because I knew I had all that time to spend with my AP. OMG!! My POOR HUSBAND he must be living a nightmare!! If I'm triggering like this he must be triggering 1,000,000,000,000 times WORSE!!'

 

I NEED the thoughts to be of ME. Imagine being alone in a hotel room wondering if the love of your life is getting into their favorite undies, chilling the wine & preparing to f**k AP's brains out in OUR BED!!

 

When I'm alone I send long rambling messages to my H because I miss him & I'm thinking of him. I send him amusing links to things I WANT to share with him so we can laugh together. I've even told him the whole plot of movies I've watched (God I'm boring!)

 

 

I understand what you're feeling. I do feel really bad for you BUT if you were my WH I'd be crying. For over a year I was rarely in his thoughts. He was consumed with HER Even now it's about how bad HE feels. How much HIS guilt hurts HIM. How much my pain upsets HIM. UGH! It's so hard to explain.*

 

He said & did the most terrible things. He destroyed our love story. NOTHING has ever hurt me more. Maybe I'm being the selfish one now?!? I'm shallow, I'm needy, I'm pathetic. I so dearly want it to be about ME for once.*

 

I confess the idea of a RA has crossed my mind. It's not me. It's not in my nature to do that & it would be completely pointless because it wouldn't be the same thing, not even close! I want my dearly loved husband to HURT. I want him to know the unknowable to one who has never been blindsided & broken by adultery. That's impossible. I know. I really do.

 

I NEED & I WANT him to get-it, really truly get-it. I don't think he ever will. Without it I don't think I will ever heal.*

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dave, so you have decided to put your divorce on hold. Of course you are entitled to do any and everything to save your marriage but you know what? It takes two people to shake hands. Is your wife prepared to shake your hand when you extend it or does she look the other way to avoid seeing it? You have chosen the moniker 'Hawkeyedave' but are you really keeping a hawk eye out to find out what she is doing and where her emotions are? Have you noticed the beginnings of remorse in her? If she is remorseful, truly remorseful I would be the first to recommend reconciliation. However, without it you could go from here to eternity and not be able to reconcile. The reasons you are touting to try to reconcile are based on a false assumption. How can you keep a family together when the glue of love is missing? If your wife is not remorseful then it is apparent that she does not live you and us only going through the motions of seeming to be part of a united family because at present she HSS no other choice. And this false reconciliation will be very apparent to your boys as they will see through the charade. The collective wisdom of this forum says that it is better for children to have two happy but separated parents rather than two miserable parents living together. However, I guess some people learn their lessons the hard way and not by listening to those who offer tried and tested advice. In the end that lesson will be learned by you whether you listen to folks here or not. I think The Oncelor had dome good advice to give you based on his personal experience. Maybe you will benefit from it or maybe not. You can also follow Lancaster's way if you think it is good for you but it will require tremendous love of the unselfish kind almost Christ like I would think. You and only you can choose what to do. Warm wishes.

[mrs rubble]

I haven't posted for a while so here it is.

 

 

 

 

I can't tell you how much it means to me to not give up on my marriage. We both know that we have both made mistakes. There are still several hurdles that we're going to have to face together. I think one of her biggest fears is facing my family. One of my biggest challenges is trusting her to the level that I did before this fiasco started.

 

 

I am more than willing to do everything I can to save my marriage. I have three wonderful boys at home who need to have a stable household. I can't simply walk away because of what happened. We are both working hard on finding that "spark" again. For what it's worth, I think things are going to work out for us.

 

 

We went out last Saturday night and had a very good time. We both agreed that we would be home early and get some much needed rest. We didn't get home until 2am. We danced, laughed and had a very good time.

 

 

I know the prevailing opinion is that I should get the marriage over with, but we have put the divorce on hold. Yesterday she even mentioned dismissing the petition for divorce. Based on the replies that I've read, it seems the odds against reconciliation are slim. But hey, people play the lottery despite the odds! Why shouldn't I give her the chance to be the person that I married? Twenty years together shouldn't be thrown away because of the mistakes we've made.

 

 

I appreciate the thoughts and suggestions, but I'm going to follow my heart. If things don't end up working out, at least I'll know that I tried my level best and I won't have any regrets about simply giving up.

 

Good for you!! I hope things work out.

Where I live you can't legally divorce until you have lived apart for 2 years. So if you lived here you would be 2 years away from divorce still.

Keep communicating and listening to each other. Wishing you both all the best.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dave, from what you have mentioned in your updates I do not see any signs of remorse in your wife. She is worried that if she gives in yo your wished to reconcile you will go back to your old ways. No where foes she seem to be concerned about the complete damage she had done to your relationship with the affair that she had with her OM. The only reason she is with you is because the OM threw her under the bus SD people on this forum are fond of reiterating. As I said earlier unless the glue of love is present in strength NO reconciliation is possible. Love is a two way street. All the love that you may have for your wife will not be enough to keep her bound to you unless she returns that love in equal measure. What you ate attempting to do is to postpone the inevitable and in so doing you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. As I said the first step in being able to truly start on the road to reconciliation would be if your wife displays true remorse. Ad I have said, I am pro reconciliation and pro marriage. However the essential ingredients for such a reconciliation have to be present. You have one of the ingredients. However your wife has to produce the other ingredient and she is refusing to do it. If she is refusing then it means her heart is not in this reconciliation and as they say you can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Sooner or later the horse will break free from your grip and bolt. I have great respect for Lancaster and Mrs Rubble and I think their hearts are in the right place. However sadly, they are overlooking this one important aspect of being able to repair your relationship. My only fear is that when your wife finally leaves as she definitely will, that you will be heartbroken. If you must reconcile, try and get your wife onboard and start to show remorse. Then and only then will your reconciliation truly begin. Warm wishes.