I've been married for 19 years...

[S2B]

Notice she didn't offer you anything? It's all about her!

 

And she isn't trusting you? SHE cheated!

 

Man, just divorce her. She's using you and isn't even trying to do the work it takes to reconcile.

[DKT3]

What I get from that is her saying "wait until I'm ready to divorce, allow me to continue to use you while I get prepared or to see if the situation with the om changes" none of what she said benefits you in anyway.

 

She has all the power, and if you continue this way she will leave you not only broken but also broke. She isn't on your team, the sooner you grasp that the better you will come out.

 

Divorce is a long process, continue forward, if by some miracle she starts giving a flip about you you can stop it at anytime before the final papers are filed with the courts.

[BluesPower]

Yeah SB is right.

 

Look, she slept with the guy whether you want to believe it or not. It is time to just end this thing.

 

If you try to stay together, it won't work because she won't tell the truth and you are still in denial.

 

You cannot move forward with a cheating spouse that will not own up to what she has done, it is that simple. If she is not still sleeping with him she will sleep with someone else.

 

And look, You are not perfect but you did not sleep around. She has nothing to forgive you about. She should be seeking your forgiveness and hoping that you will take her back, which you should not.

 

I know that this is hard for you, but really, if you believe what she has told you, you are just being foolish.

Edited October 13, 2016 by BluesPower

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dave, I am very sorry to read about your son's accident and hope that he is doing well by now. It is heartening to know that your date went off well. If you are planning another one then I think you should go ahead and have one. It will be therapeutic for both of you and may help to revive the spark that started both of you on this journey.

 

I have to confess that I have no experience with infidelity or with divorce and so I will defer to those like Mr. Lucky and Bluespower for the advice that they are giving you in this matter. Even S2B is in the same league. However I will say that you should not halt or slow down the divorce proceedings but let them proceed to conclusion as once the reality of the divorce hits your wife in the face it may wake her up from her affair fog and dump her unceremoniously on mother earth. Once that happens she will begin to appreciate the fact that it is you who have stood by her side through thick and thin and have helped her across the rough spots in her life till now. She will recall the history that you two have had and will realize that what she had with her AP was just effervescent fluff. The real solid love was what you gave her and she will the really try and win you back. Ask DKT3 who has been through this hell fire and can give you the necessary guidance of how to navigate this. Right now your wife is facing her own internal demons and also difficult real life situations at work and she wants to lean on you one last time to get through her turmoil before discarding you in favour of her AP. Don't fall for that trap!

 

As far as you yourself are concerned I think you are suffering from a bout of low self esteem due to your wife's alienation and the fact that you are comparing your earnings with hers plus also dwelling on your age vis a vis her. The fact is that if you are 53 then she is 46 and for a woman at that age, her best years are behind her. Will her AP marry her once she is done and divorced from you? I don't think so. As it is he has dropped her for the moment and as a divorced woman I don't think he will find her as attractive. After all he did not support her when she was paying off her student loan and has not had to carry her when she was an epileptic. I am sure he will not like to be burdened by her baggage and as long as you were shouldering it and he was enjoying the benefits it was great. Not so much when he has to do the shouldering! My point here is that you do have a real problem with low self esteem and that is something you should work on. There is an excellent self help book titled" Psycho Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Malt which I would recommend for you to read. You may get it at your local library or you could buy a paper back edition at Amazon. Do read it. It will completely change your opinion about yourself and once you have mastered the techniques given in it, you will find yourself going g places you never imagined. You will probably have a bevy of eligible and accomplished ladies wanting to make you acquaintance and your wife might turn green with envy when she sees that. All of a sudden you will become very attractive to her. Hope some of this helps. Remember' God helps those who help themselves'. Warm wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Dave, I wanted to add that if your wife had problems and issues then those ate now hers to carry alone. In her mind she is no longer your wife and so she cannot co opt you to help her put with these. You have your own problems and issues and you are left shouldering them alone. So should she with no help from you. This Aldo will help her wake up out of her dream. Just a thought.

[HawkeyeDave]

I appreciate all of the advice, whether pro or con. I wrestle with doubts and optimism. Right now, I'm taking it one day at a time knowing there is no certain outcome. At this time, we're coming together as friends. I'm hoping that will rekindle the love we used to share without expecting it.

 

 

I'm in a decent place emotionally. There are times when I sink a little but I tell myself, "Que sera, sera". I'm old enough to remember the Doris Day song and, for those too young to know, Google it. It's a sappy old song, but relevant to everyone on this message board.

 

 

Thanks to everyone!

[Mr. Lucky]

She told me that she thinks it might be a good idea to put the divorce "on hold".... I suggested that maybe we should terminate the divorce proceedings, but she said that we would have to start all over again and didn't think it was the smart thing to do.

 

Huh ??? Put the divorce on hold because she doesn't want it right now but keep it on the back burner in case she wants it? Makes no sense at all.

 

Dave, you're like a guy who's been run over crossing the street. But instead of proactively calling for help, you've decided you're going to lay in the crosswalk and hope to get better. Last I checked, the Lord helps those that help themselves...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HawkeyeDave]

Huh ??? Put the divorce on hold because she doesn't want it right now but keep it on the back burner in case she wants it? Makes no sense at all.

 

Dave, you're like a guy who's been run over crossing the street. But instead of proactively calling for help, you've decided you're going to lay in the crosswalk and hope to get better. Last I checked, the Lord helps those that help themselves...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yeah, I'm starting to realize that. I've been reading enough posts on this site to realize that my situation isn't unique. What I realize is that sometimes the offending spouse puts off the inevitable. While I'm hoping for a reconciliation, I understand that it is probably in my best interest for both of us to move on. It's too bad, because we have three young men in our house. They're tough to handle in the best circumstances. Throw in a custody agreement and I imagine it will be total chaos!

 

 

Thanks for the thoughts.

[Mr. Lucky]

What I realize is that sometimes the offending spouse puts off the inevitable.

 

Very true. And so sometimes does the offended spouse .

 

I don't know of any posters here rooting for divorce, no fans of splitting up. But no BS deserves the crumbs dished up by an unrepenetant cheating spouse, that's not a life. Your WS has made impactful decisions all in the name of "happiness", you should reserve for yourself the same right.

 

Have healthy boundaries and clear goals, any future arrangement - marriage or divorce - has to work for you. Keep your head up, keep posting ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dave, hope you are doing well. Did you Google the book I mentioned? You should as it could be a life changer for you. One thing I have realised is that whatever one does in life one has to be decisive about it. One cannot keep drooling along hoping for a solution to emerge by magic. In your situation I think your wife has sucked the best out of you and now when you are a little down on your luck she has discarded you for someone who she finds more attractive. Very selfish in my opinion but she will get her reward for it down the line. To me it seems she is done and dusted with your marriage and you and is only biding her time for the best opportune moment to make her exit. You should not wait around for her as she will suck the last ounce of succour from you before dumping you completely. As it is she has dumped you in her mind. You should do the same to her when she least expects it. If you proceed with divorce she will gain a new respect for you and maybe just maybe, if some old spark is there, she will be remorseful and beg you for another chance. Right now she is on the other side and you should be making tracks to protect yourself. Just some thoughts.

[HawkeyeDave]

Hi Dave, hope you are doing well. Did you Google the book I mentioned? You should as it could be a life changer for you. One thing I have realised is that whatever one does in life one has to be decisive about it. One cannot keep drooling along hoping for a solution to emerge by magic. In your situation I think your wife has sucked the best out of you and now when you are a little down on your luck she has discarded you for someone who she finds more attractive. Very selfish in my opinion but she will get her reward for it down the line. To me it seems she is done and dusted with your marriage and you and is only biding her time for the best opportune moment to make her exit. You should not wait around for her as she will suck the last ounce of succour from you before dumping you completely. As it is she has dumped you in her mind. You should do the same to her when she least expects it. If you proceed with divorce she will gain a new respect for you and maybe just maybe, if some old spark is there, she will be remorseful and beg you for another chance. Right now she is on the other side and you should be making tracks to protect yourself. Just some thoughts.

 

As I mentioned earlier, she has been talking about putting the divorce on hold without actually having us withdraw the petition. At first I was ok with the idea of putting things off so we could see if we could resolve our differences.

 

 

Then it occurred to me that the reason she wanted to slow things down was that she wanted to wait until her school year was over to finalize things. She has been a teacher for the last 22 years, or so. This year she made a change from teaching in a small town to taking a job in our community, which is a much larger school system. The pay is substantially bigger but she is having to deal with a much different student than what she is used to. She is miserable at the new school and has made numerous comments of trying to get her job back at the old school next year. I believe that she doesn't want the added stress of a divorce coupled with the stress of the new job.

 

 

This morning I asked her if she remembered the date of our pretrial conference with the judge assigned to our case. She didn't remember specifically and then mentioned that she wasn't sure what she wanted to do and that she thought we were going to put the divorce on hold. I told her that I thought the only reason she wanted to postpone things was that she wanted to wait until the school year was over so she didn't have to worry about prepping for classes as well as deal with the transitions a finalized divorce would bring. I also told her that the end of her school year is my busiest time of year when I could ill afford the stress of reacting to divorce proceedings.

 

 

Believe me, I don't want to get divorced. But I'm tired of trying to appeal to her to save our marriage and family. I hate the idea of going into the holiday season without my traditional family setting. I know, however, that the sooner we get things over with the sooner I can move on with my life. Yesterday (my day off) I steam cleaned the carpets in our house, did a weeks worth of laundry, fixed a electrical outlet and cleaned the kitchen. I also exercised quite a bit, which I'm told will help but really only gives me time to dwell on the situation at hand.

 

 

I ask God every day why I have to go through this ordeal. I don't want to lose my wife. I want my kids to have a traditional home and family. But it's time to move on and see what life has in store for me. I have no expectations regarding a new relationship. Heck, I don't even want to really consider meeting a new woman for the sake of having companionship. When I think about the idea of dating again it sickens me. I haven't been intimate with anyone else for over twenty years. Still, it's about time that I give life a chance and accept that life has a plan for me and I just have to accept it without knowing what "it" is.

 

 

I appreciate all advice.

[S2B]

It really doesn't matter what she wants at this point.

 

Do what is best for YOU and YOUR future!

 

There isn't one indication that your marriage is on the receiving end of repair...so the decision has already been made that it ends.

 

SHE is dragging her feet? Ya, most likely because there's something in that for HER!

 

Move forward! That includes ending things that aren't working for YOU!

 

Finalize it as soon as possible...and tell her that is YOUR goal! Stick to that plan FOR YOURSELF no matter what she requests.

 

I'm not sure why you're even asking her what she wants at this juncture...she's made it clear she doesn't intend to be married anymore so stop talking to her - at all!

 

Actions show intent - use YOUR actions to get the divorce finished.

 

Her flimsy words are designed to use you and manipulate you to make HER life easier! Good reason not to speak with her at all.

 

The sooner you get it done the faster you can build a new life - the life YOU want instead of the life she was controlling.

 

Get busy living by moving forward... that takes eliminating the negativity from your life now.

[HawkeyeDave]

It really doesn't matter what she wants at this point.

 

Do what is best for YOU and YOUR future!

 

There isn't one indication that your marriage is on the receiving end of repair...so the decision has already been made that it ends.

 

SHE is dragging her feet? Ya, most likely because there's something in that for HER!

 

Move forward! That includes ending things that aren't working for YOU!

 

Finalize it as soon as possible...and tell her that is YOUR goal! Stick to that plan FOR YOURSELF no matter what she requests.

 

I'm not sure why you're even asking her what she wants at this juncture...she's made it clear she doesn't intend to be married anymore so stop talking to her - at all!

 

Actions show intent - use YOUR actions to get the divorce finished.

 

Her flimsy words are designed to use you and manipulate you to make HER life easier! Good reason not to speak with her at all.

 

The sooner you get it done the faster you can build a new life - the life YOU want instead of the life she was controlling.

 

Get busy living by moving forward... that takes eliminating the negativity from your life now.

 

 

I understand your point of view. The thing is, my wife and I have gotten past the fighting stage of the divorce. We live together. We sleep together. We raise our children together. We both consider each other to be great friends. Shutting her out of my life while we live and raise children together sounds immature to me. I wouldn't say that she is manipulating me anymore than I am manipulating her.

 

 

When we get to the point where we no longer live together, then I can virtually remove her from my life-minus the kids certainly. It will kill me to lose her friendship. I've told her that once we get divorced I'm not going to enable her to feel good about her decision by remaining friends. I hate what she has done and I'm not going to diminish that hatred by being some kind of buddy she can confide in when she needs help. It will literally be the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. But, if I'm going to move forward in my life, then I am going to have to shut her out as much as possible. Of that I am certain.

[S2B]

Oh wow - ok... I didn't realize you were still so entangled intimately with her.

 

Have you made a decision when you begin to separate yourself and build a new life to move forward?

 

 

Has your W been in contact with the OM? Is she still pining after him?

Edited October 19, 2016 by S2B

[LifeofPi]

I have been divorced and your story is similar to mine. My advise is you have to accept the fact she wants out and it's beyond your control. You have son's that need to love and support, focus on them. I went through a divorce support class called Divorce Care and I recommend you go through that class. Divorce is the hardest emotional roller coaster.

[HawkeyeDave]

Oh wow - ok... I didn't realize you were still so entangled intimately with her.

 

Have you made a decision when you begin to separate yourself and build a new life to move forward?

 

 

Has your W been in contact with the OM? Is she still pining after him?

 

With respect to separating myself, once the divorce is final and I/she seeks a new residence. There is some uncertainty on my part as to whether or not I want to keep our home. The ball is in my court on this. I've got some time to decide. I bought the home before we married. I've stated that I want to keep the home but I'm afraid that I won't be able to afford the mortgage based on what I've earned in commissions this year. I'm still mulling it around. There's a ton of sentimental feelings on my home but I'm getting to a point where I realize that it's just a house and home is where you hang your hat.

 

 

With respect to the OM, I'm as certain as I can be that they are no longer in contact. This has been very hard on her as she had committed herself emotionally to the OM. I think the hardest part for her has been the betrayal that she feels he dealt her. I believe that she was ready to start a new life with this guy and once he started realizing the reality of a life with her the romantic feelings faded quickly.

 

 

The OM, while not a great friend, was someone who I liked. I even mentioned to her that I thought that the OM and I could become good friends. Not much of a reply to that on her side, as you can imagine.

 

 

He was recently divorced. He has a relationship with a woman in another town that he has recommitted himself to according to my brother-in-law whom the OM is good friends. We all met through mutual friends of my wife's. She started spending more and more time with them. I didn't enjoy their type of party. None of them really wanted to go out. Their idea of fun was sitting in a backyard drinking beer around a table. That's ok once in a while, but every stinking time gets a little old. So, there were times when I didn't attend. Well, when I didn't attend the party would move to a bar. My sister-in-law and her friend ( the one with the house ) told my wife that the OM was damaged goods and to steer clear of him. My wife doesn't like being told what to do by anyone, so of course the infatuation grew. My wife's sister and friend were furious about the affair to the point where they both let the OM know that he was a piece of **** and that they wanted nothing to do with him.

 

 

I think that my wife is still hurt, several months later, by his dumping her and going back to his girlfriend. She hasn't said so in so many words, but the impression I get is that she is devastated by the fact that she got so caught up in him that when he dumped her she felt like she was the one who was betrayed.

[Marc878]

She may be playing for time because if her income drops back guess what?

 

You get to pay more!!!! Good for her but not so much for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

We live together. We sleep together.

 

Have you considered that, absent any real commitment from her, this arrangement just prolongs your pain? Not sure how you go to bed every night with a partner who won't say she wants to be with you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

As I mentioned earlier, she has been talking about putting the divorce on hold without actually having us withdraw the petition. At first I was ok with the idea of putting things off so we could see if we could resolve our differences.

 

 

Then it occurred to me that the reason she wanted to slow things down was that she wanted to wait until her school year was over to finalize things. She has been a teacher for the last 22 years, or so. This year she made a change from teaching in a small town to taking a job in our community, which is a much larger school system. The pay is substantially bigger but she is having to deal with a much different student than what she is used to. She is miserable at the new school and has made numerous comments of trying to get her job back at the old school next year. I believe that she doesn't want the added stress of a divorce coupled with the stress of the new job.

 

 

This morning I asked her if she remembered the date of our pretrial conference with the judge assigned to our case. She didn't remember specifically and then mentioned that she wasn't sure what she wanted to do and that she thought we were going to put the divorce on hold. I told her that I thought the only reason she wanted to postpone things was that she wanted to wait until the school year was over so she didn't have to worry about prepping for classes as well as deal with the transitions a finalized divorce would bring. I also told her that the end of her school year is my busiest time of year when I could ill afford the stress of reacting to divorce proceedings.

 

 

Believe me, I don't want to get divorced. But I'm tired of trying to appeal to her to save our marriage and family. I hate the idea of going into the holiday season without my traditional family setting. I know, however, that the sooner we get things over with the sooner I can move on with my life. Yesterday (my day off) I steam cleaned the carpets in our house, did a weeks worth of laundry, fixed a electrical outlet and cleaned the kitchen. I also exercised quite a bit, which I'm told will help but really only gives me time to dwell on the situation at hand.

 

 

I ask God every day why I have to go through this ordeal. I don't want to lose my wife. I want my kids to have a traditional home and family. But it's time to move on and see what life has in store for me. I have no expectations regarding a new relationship. Heck, I don't even want to really consider meeting a new woman for the sake of having companionship. When I think about the idea of dating again it sickens me. I haven't been intimate with anyone else for over twenty years. Still, it's about time that I give life a chance and accept that life has a plan for me and I just have to accept it without knowing what "it" is.

 

 

I appreciate all advice.

 

Have you told her all of this?

[S2B]

Have you considered that, absent any real commitment from her, this arrangement just prolongs your pain? Not sure how you go to bed every night with a partner who won't say she wants to be with you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is what I don't get. She completely betrayed you - why isn't SHE sleeping at least in another room or on the sofa?

 

It's over. Start creating distance...physically and emotionally! Having her sleep next to you isn't going to help YOU move forward!

 

This is a very basic boundary that you must start with in order to move your future emotional well being forward.

 

Why are you so determined to be her willing doormat?

[The_Onceler]

This is what I don't get. She completely betrayed you - why isn't SHE sleeping at least in another room or on the sofa?

 

It's over. Start creating distance...physically and emotionally! Having her sleep next to you isn't going to help YOU move forward!

 

This is a very basic boundary that you must start with in order to move your future emotional well being forward.

 

Why are you so determined to be her willing doormat?

 

I have to agree. I allowed a similar situation in my home. At this point, I am not certain of exactly what my ex was up to, and on what timeline, but I did know that she had at the least started "sexting" and sending explicit photos to another man, an old boyfriend from way back in college.

 

Anyway, in the interest of the well being of our kids, I agreed to maintain the illusion of a happy home until such time as she could gracefully move out (she needed a job and an apartment). From the day I found out about the other man until the day she moved out was 15 weeks.

 

Fifteen. Long. Weeks.

 

We shared the same bed in that time, so as not to have the kids wondering why we were sleeping apart. I typically would be fast asleep by the time she came to bed (conveniently allowing her time and space to send naked photos to her boyfriend!), and I would wake and leave before anyone else was awake.

 

So, in some respects, I hardly knew that she was there.

 

However, psychologically, I was pretty much on hold. I only was able to start the process of moving on emotionally after she had finally left. She clearly had moved on months in advance. While the moving on process will take however long it takes, I can tell you that it is NO FUN to be sitting on hold, just waiting for that process to start.

 

You need to get your separation from your wife, for your own well being, as soon as you can. I understand, tho, that there may be mitigating concerns...

 

Good luck!

[HawkeyeDave]

Just wanted to let you guys know about a couple of new developments over the weekend.

 

 

1. My brother-in-law told me that the OM is moving to a small city a couple of hours away from our home. I guess he's moving in with his significant other and getting more serious with her.

 

 

2. My wife reiterated that she wants to put the divorce on hold. We spent a lot of time talking this weekend about our fears of us as a couple. She's worried that, once things start going back to the routine, I will go back to being distant and not there for her when she needs me. I fear that I will not be able to return to a place where I can fully trust her again. She has that fear also.

 

 

I took quite a bit of time to explain to her that I don't know what to do to win back her love. Twenty years ago I was a different person. I have responsibilities now that I couldn't imagine when I was younger. Twenty years ago I discovered new things about her every day. Now, we know each other so well. We know each others likes, and dislikes. How do you fall back in love when there's so little to learn?

 

 

I've been doing a lot of little things. She's noticing and I know she appreciates my effort. She's spending more time with me and giving me her attention.

[S2B]

So she has you around because he chose the other gal.

 

Yet you are trying to make it work with your cheating wife...

 

This is just all backwards!

 

This isn't a wife trying to save her marriage and make it better - this is a cheating wife that knows she can use you because she is # 2 other OM.

 

You're not HER TOP PRIORITY? No way do you need to even think twice about being with her.

 

She's not sorry she cheated - she's sorry it's not continuing on with her OM...and that isn't repairing the damage SHE caused within the marriage!

 

Why are you even considering this when she isn't owning her part in it and working her tail off to set things right?

 

She's a user - no reason to allow her to use you!

[BluesPower]

I guess that you will never understand this, but I am going to give this one more shot...

 

Your wife is using you and she has been for years.

 

You are not the one that needs to win her back, she needs to win you back. She already has you wrapped around your little finger.

 

She is the one that has to prove that SHE wants the marriage and she wants you. So far all you know is that her OM dumped her and you are fallback guy. Don't be that guy, please.

 

You really need to divorce this woman and move on with your life, that is just the why that it is.

 

Good luck buddy...

[HawkeyeDave]

I guess that you will never understand this, but I am going to give this one more shot...

 

Your wife is using you and she has been for years.

 

You are not the one that needs to win her back, she needs to win you back. She already has you wrapped around your little finger.

 

She is the one that has to prove that SHE wants the marriage and she wants you. So far all you know is that her OM dumped her and you are fallback guy. Don't be that guy, please.

 

You really need to divorce this woman and move on with your life, that is just the why that it is.

 

Good luck buddy...

 

While I appreciate your point of view, I can't believe that there isn't a chance to salvage my marriage. If my boys were older and lived outside of our home, my I would have a different opinion. But the fact is, I can't fathom splitting up our household. I want my sons to grow up in a home with their mother and father, not a "one week here, one week there" situation.

 

 

There is a chance that my wife and I can reconnect and have a great marriage again. There is also a chance that things are beyond repair. I will never be able to live with myself, however, if I blindly rush into a divorce without considering the possibility of my wife and I saving the marriage.

 

 

I haven't mentioned this fact yet. My parents were divorced before I was born. While they had their problems, they were miserable without each other and remarried. My mother is pleading with me not to go through with the divorce unless I've tried everything I can to save the marriage. All of you know that I don't want this divorce. I appreciate your points of view, but I can't in good conscience consider this divorce until I've done everything I can to make it work.