So Tired Pt 1

[AnnaKaren]

I don't know where to start...so I'll start at the beginning and hopefully this isn't too long.

 

I met him when I was 20 after being in three back to back terrible relationships as a teenager. My first love, I kissed his best friend while he was on vacation, and he never forgave me but didn't cut ties. For years I tried to win him back (because that kiss made me realize how much I wanted only him) and he basically used me as a **** buddy. The second (age18) was the first relationship, and he was extremely abusive mentally/physically, but his jealousy and possessiveness made me feel loved. That is until I feared for my life. At the time I moved to a new city when I was 17 to be independant and have some control over my life. I dropped out of high school, enrolled myself in home study, and drove somewhere then said, "I live here now." I found a job, started to make friends, eventually found a couch to rent, then my own small studio apartment. I met him during this time and the relationship was so abusive, I left to return to live with my family again. This was devastating.

 

There I met a new guy who spent almost a year "getting to know me". After 3 hour conversations per night, and 8 months, I ended up sleeping with him, but wasn't in a good place when I did. I was telling myself to get over my ex and move on, drank 18 beers, and invited him over for the worst sex ever. I felt I had made great progress. The next day he picked up my BFF and I, and we went to his house. They took off on a "bike ride", he taught me how to ride a bike too, and it lasted three hours.

 

When they returned I was pissed (his mom kept reassuring me) but turns out my bff slept with him. I left appalled. She called me a slaut and yet acted like my best friend. Later I ran into a friend of his and asked, "Why did he do that?" The friend answered, "He never wanted you. He wanted her, but she didn't want him. He also knew she wanted anything you had, so if he could get you, he would get her....And it worked...."

 

I lost a friend and lover that day. Maybe it was karma, but it hurt.

 

I met my ex after enrolling in MMA classes to deal with the anger. I met him at a bar that my friends pulled me too since I had since been a recluse. We started talking. He seemed okay with everything, all my issues. I had the sense he would not **** me over. We dated for a long time, he fell under hard times (two DUIs), unemployed, I came up with solutions for him to be okay. I think I needed him to be okay.

 

I drove him to work (a commute) every day, and decided I wasn't going to walk away with nothing so I enrolled in Cosmo school in the area. I needed a career and was told by my family, I'm not college material. They could use a plumber or a hair stylist. I became a hairstylist though it wasn't a passion. My ex eventually reinstated his license. He found an amazing job through a friend. We were both working, and we decided to get married....

 

I decided we should get married after all of that. We had been, never passionate but functional for so many years, and for whatever reason I thought, marriage, was the next step.

 

He wanted to get married, but never proposed. He would tell my family, "This is the night!" and of course they would tell me. I would try to make it extra special but it never came. We engaged because I finally told him, "This is ridiculous! Stop telling my family you want to marry me, they tell me! I want to make it special, I go out of my way, then nothing! It's frustrating!"

 

So he walks into the market, gets a lifesaver and proposes.

 

Fast forward, I said not too long (probably not going to happen).

 

We were getting married in 2005 and I met him when I was still 20. So we dated 5 years. Year 4 we were planning a wedding. I'm Italian so it was decent sized 150+ guests. Most of all my grandpa had recently passed away and my grandma wanted to invest money into the wedding. She thought the family needed a good party.

 

During the planning, I was trying to make everyone happy, and his guest list was growing bigger and bigger. I didn't want to take advantage of my grandma, so I limited his guest list to his friends, family.

 

See hid dad just married this new girl in 3 month engagement and thought all her family should attend. I wasn't against it, I just said my family would pay for a specific head count. This has a point, I promise.

 

So she's wanting to invite all these people, and I gave a top to what my family would pay for. We started arguing about it because he just wanted to make everyone happy, and at some point he said, "Booohoo! My dead grandpa is paying for everything!"

 

I lost it, absolute rage. I drove to his house, and threw a number of fists which he had a smug smile about. I went to leave and he jumped on the hood of my car. I wasn't having it so I accelerated and hit the breaks. He went flying.

 

We resolved the issue, he apologized profusely. We had invested so much into this wedding, I allowed it to be reconciled. We were catholic, and our marriage sponsors quit instead of telling the church we shouldn't be married.

 

Anyway we were. Had a beautiful wedding. I must have blocked it out though, because I can't remember it at all. As a matter of fact, I couldn't remember anything from the wedding until the next week we went to church, and driving up, it all came back in.

 

We were married, that stress was done. I fixed everything in his life. He had a good job, we had a life. We had a son. It was planned. My son is everything to me.

 

Marriage wasn't easy the first year. He recommended we go to therapy. But he asked to leave when we found out I was mars and he was venus. The longer we stayed together the more he felt emasculated. He wasn't great without our son either. One day I came home and asked him to please stop exploding food in the microwave. He replied, "FINE! I'll cover it with tin foil!"

 

I was getting more and more frustrated, and he became more of a burden. I feared for the safety of my child. Became pregnant again. This time I sensed something was wrong. Doctor put me on bed rest, and I knew why. The baby was not thriving.

 

At this time we were moving, and I asked if he would help me with everything. He saw this as an admission of weakness, and we fought daily. Him telling me how terrible I was, arguing over everything. I'd cramp. He yelled more...

 

Finally, I got on the treadmill and worked out a **** load. I felt cramping, the doc asked if everything was okay...I just kept working out. I couldn't help it. Every bone in my body said to do so.

 

A four months, I miscarried, and turned to pure rage. I blamed him for everything. I had begged him to be helpful not argumentative. He saw it as an opportunity. I went to my local priest and told him all this in sobs. I could never have another child with him. The priest told me, god would understand if I left. I was becoming unhinged.

 

We married in 2005, had our son in 2006, and separated late 2007.

[AnnaKaren]

The divorce was nasty. And not because we had a lot of investments, but because he disagreed on everything. I offered to take on all the debt from the marriage. He was built up to perfect credit, single man, could totally make a life for himself. The only thing I asked, was sole custody. I didn't trust my ex, he wasn't mature enough. He would take my son to his druggie friend's houses, log time friends, but still druggies. He also took him to new friend's houses. People involved with drugs that he didn't even know.

 

Weird things would happen during visitation which led to supervised visitation, like my ex was obsessed with changing his diaper, and every time I came home (when we were married) my son was running around naked. I was beyond paranoid.

 

Anyway, it took us very many years to divorce. He hated me for what I did and disagreed with everything. I could have offered him anything, and he would disagree. He, in this time, met a nice kindergarten teacher. I had to laugh at that when I first heard it, "That's perfect! It's exactly what I felt like when we were married!"

 

We finally divorced when I text my ex happy anniversary, and the next time in court he agreed to everything.

 

We had the most romantic divorce in history, but I wont go into that.

 

In the midst of all this, I was battling my own war front. I actually figured out how to enroll in college and turned out, I wasn't exactly dumb. I was taking classes and working full time. Didn't know about social services.

 

My ex quit (was fired a 4k per month job after we divorced". He stated repeatedly, "It's not my job to support you anymore."

 

I tried to explain that CS wasn't about me. Finally the courts decided it was important. He was given a set amount to pay.

[AnnaKaren]

I'm too tired to finish this story....

 

The original question was, I'm exhausted. I don't want to go back to court. And at this time, when he has a brother, and his father settled into a family setting...Maybe he would be happier with his father.

 

I'm too tired to equal the scales. I'm too tired to fight, and maybe I'm too damaged to be as effective as his father in having a normal life.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, your man-picker could use some recalibration, that's for sure.

 

Can you be more specific about the current obstacles to your being an effective parent? Does your son split time equally between you and your ex?

 

Mr. Lucky

[AnnaKaren]

Sorry, basically over the years I've worked my ass off. I've ridden the bus to go to work all day, then catch it to attend school at night. And I'm still only working on my bachelors because on top of all of that is stuff I do for my son. Like grocery shopping, homework, school productions, karate lessons braces appointments. I've slowly and painstakingly climbed my way out of having nothing after the divorce. It has not been easy, but I always put my son first. I suck it up, and I work hard. We are in a better spot now, but still don't have our own place, that's the next thing I was going to look into.

 

I've done everything for my son. In the meantime, my ex found a nice kindergarden teacher he lives with for the last 8 years, they had a son together. They live in a nice home. I'm not jealous. I'm glad he's happy because it takes the focus off me for a while.

 

Anyway, this July he quit his job and is requesting to go back to court for child support to be lowered.....He's claiming "hardship" since he supports his other son and isn't working.

 

I don't know if words can express the punch in my stomach when I hear that claim. It's a mixture of complete confusion, stunned, anger, appalled. I can't describe it, just for some reason it feels like a complete slap in the face.

 

I'm too tired to go to court again. I don't even care about the money. I feel bad for my son that he sits there with me, and I'm the one who keeps him away from his happy family. I look at my life, and my ex's life since the divorce and I wonder, what exactly am I fighting so hard for? Maybe I should just send my son to live with his father. And I can pay him the $200 ****ing dollars per month to provide all his meals, school clothes, supplies, pay for his braces, and health insurance, all his school projects, glasses, karate, violin lessons, the holidays and christmases.

 

And I'll be the fun parent who picks him up every other weekend, and is stress free, and takes him to do wonderful things all the time. It sounds so amazing yet at the same time the thought of losing my son is just about enough to break me. To break the last little part of my that tries at all.

 

I'm just really tired and as terrible as it sounds, I'm on the verge of just completely quitting. To top it all off, because I am gone so often and leave my son to be cared for by my family (who is functionally completely dysfunctional), my son has grown up to not really respect me at all. Of course neither does my family. He has turned into a spoiled brat because my family doesn't reinforce discipline, and I'm not around long enough to make it consistent.

 

Last night I came home and asked him to start cleaning. He went off on a rant about how I "never help him, at all" "why don't I get up and clean instead."

 

Maybe this is all just some ****ty karma, for all the terrible things I've done in my life. But I don't know what they were. Because I kissed that guy when I was 15? Because I was the one who asked for the divorce? I don't understand, why, it's so difficult to just ****ing live. And on top of it all, I think I'm starting to develop a drinking problem.

 

I'm just so done on every level. Looking for advice, words of wisdom, guidance, relief. Whatever this place has to offer.

Edited October 8, 2016 by AnnaKaren