NP518 Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 My husband and I have been separated for 3 years and have a 3 year old son. While separated, we both dated other people. We decided three months ago to reconcile and work on the marriage. It's been tough for me and him because I'm just not in it. I really want to make it work for our son. We all get along well as a family but that love and passion just isn't there for my husband. I cringe when he touches me, I can't kiss him anymore and sometimes I can't be around him. I feel so bad because he's doing nothing wrong, I just am so far gone. I don't want to hurt him anymore but I can't force things. We talked about counseling again but can a therapist really get the love and passion back? I feel like my husband is more of a brother at this point. Any advice before my son gets too used to us as a family unit? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 To me there's a point that you just throw in the towel. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 Our feelings either grow or we lose them, during / after separation. Both are normal. If they are not there, you can't force them. It won't be good for your child. He is going to get very confused. Start divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 Feelings can be recovered. How long has it been that you dated others? Are you in total NC with them? NC is no contact that means zero contact. Did you date any co-worker? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NP518 Posted October 8, 2016 Author Share Posted October 8, 2016 I called it off with the guy I was dating 5 months ago. I do think that has a big influence on moving on with my husband as I am still not over the guy I was dating. We stopped contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Can you and your husband provide a positive example of a good relationship to your son for the next 15+ yrs, does this mean that your husband would have to exist in a loveless marriage?. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Hi NP, you have'nt mentioned as to why you separated in the first place, three years ago. Also, if you were separated for three years what were you waiting for? Why did either of you not initiate divorce? What made you decide to come together to reconcile? I'm sorry to be asking so many questions but without some background it is difficult to offer meaningful advice. All I can say is that if the initial reason for separation was severe enough to keep you apart for three years then it seems a bit of a no brained that this forced reconciliation is going to fail. Just get on with the divorce and coparent your child amicably as two mature adults. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NP518 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 We separated because he drank too much and was verbally abusive at times. After the birth of our son, he was selfish and didn't help. It's been 3 years and after he's had self-reflection, lots of therapy and facing losing his family, he's changed remarkably. Because of this, we decided to save our marriage but during that 3 years I guess I fell out of love. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 We separated because he drank too much and was verbally abusive at times. After the birth of our son, he was selfish and didn't help. It's been 3 years and after he's had self-reflection, lots of therapy and facing losing his family, he's changed remarkably. Because of this, we decided to save our marriage but during that 3 years I guess I fell out of love. Let's cut to the chase and call it like it is. So you are questioning why you don't have an attraction and desire for an abusive drunk who knocked you up and abandoned you with a baby and has been gone for 3 years banging other chicks???????? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 If you feel this way, why did you try and get back together. If you didn't want to hurt you picked a great way to do so. Tell him the truth and end it. Yes it will hurt him but better now then later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 ....also, you had the hots for and got down with Mr Drunkandabusive. Mr Beenthroughtherapyandtryingtogetmylifebacktogetherandberesponsible may not be so sexually appealing to you. After 3 years separated and with him getting sober and trying to be decent, functional human being and coming into the picture with a 3 year old is basically hitting the reset button and starting over completely from scratch. He may be more responsible and squared away now, but that doesn't mean you are going to be attracted to him and desire him sexually. You dug the drunk and abusive bad boy sexually. The sober, responsible guy may not trip your trigger. You may have a bit of a broken man-picker here. Or maybe there has just been too much bad history and too much time has passed. Either way, this is a whole new beginning and whatever feelings and desires that were there in the past can not be assumed to just reappear because he has showed back up on your doorstep sober. This is a whole new day and a whole new man and your situation is completely different now. I don't know if you can get those hot tingly feelings for him back or not. I think it's reasonable to strive for having an amicable and cooperative coparenting arrangement though. Maybe if you focus on that and have no other expectations or agendas, you can at least have a good coparenting relationship and your child can have the benefit of two involved, supportive parents even if those parents do not share the same bed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
planning4later Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 We separated because he drank too much and was verbally abusive at times. After the birth of our son, he was selfish and didn't help. It's been 3 years and after he's had self-reflection, lots of therapy and facing losing his family, he's changed remarkably. Because of this, we decided to save our marriage but during that 3 years I guess I fell out of love. These accusations about your husband sound very vague. Can you be specific? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 From the sounds of it you jumped right back in and haven't followed the normal dating process. My advice would be step back and date one another. And yes the relationship with the new guy has an impact because there was no reason to end it other then getting back with husband. For that reason (not the only one) you're having a hard time connecting. Jumping back in with cause you to repeat the same dynamic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NP518 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 He drank every night. Had 2 DUIs. When we went out with friends I'd end up babysitting him and he'd get mad and scream at me. He's called me numerous names, yelled at me, threatened a divorce. I got fed up with it and left him bc it was a bad environment for our son. We got married young and were both very immature. We both have grown up, so that's why I thought it would work this time around. We are a great family and coparent well. Again, just don't know how to get the feelings and intimacy back. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 I think this may have worked if you had both spent your time apart pining for each other, but you both "moved on" with other people. YOU are now pining for the new man, whilst feeling obliged to try again with your husband who has cleaned up his act - but for how long? Yes, he may have "grown up" in the interim, but once back in the family fold he may revert to type. If you were besotted with your husband here I would say take that risk with him and your marriage, but you are not all in here and that, I guess, means it is a disaster waiting to happen. Cut your losses, be fantastic parents, and go look up that guy you were dating previously... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Having read you story this has been going on for several years, it seems you meet another guy pull away then come back. With that being the pattern I say just call it a day. It's not fair to your son or your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) Hi NP, I went back and read your older threads to get the background so necessary to be able to respond meaningfully to you. The fact is that you were with your new guy for over a year and it seems the bond between the two of you seems to have been cemented quite firmly. With that accepted as a fact of life and also looking at the various cautionary bits of advice that you were given way back in Feb 2015 and also in April of this year, you still went ahead and got yourself into an untenable situation all the while knowing you were not able to generate feelings of intimacy, both emotional and physical, for your husband. You mentioned going out on a date with him as a family and when he tried to kiss you, you couldn't go through with it. This was months away from your actual coming together again to try to reconcile. You have mentioned that you knew your new BF from years ago probably before you even met your husband. If that be true, I am sure you would have tested him out as husband /boyfriend material all those years ago. Maybe you even had a romantic relationship going with him before meeting your husband. You have also said that your husband came from a wealthy family and had maids and other house servants to look after his creature comforts. As such he was not trained in any of the usual household routines that would help in a domestic situation. I wonder if at that time, you were bedazzled with his wealth and lifestyle and pictured yourself living in the lap of luxury if you were able to snag him as a husband. Maybe your dream did not work out the way you vizualised it and your husband turned out to be a spoiled brat. When that happened you figured you'd be better off with your old dependable beau and left your husband to go live with your sister. The decision to separate was yours and not your husband's. In his mind the marriage was still valid and that is why his temporary relationships did not work out. Yours on the other hand was already a tried and tested one and all you had to do was slip back into it in the blink of an eye. The only miscalculation on your part was that you had not factored in your love and attachment for your son in your plans. This has been the stumbling block in your being able to move smoothly from your marriage with your husband to a marriage with your current BF. My point in detailing all this is that the whole premise on which you have based your false reconciliation with your husband is like a house built in the sand and it will not last. I guess it is time you woke up to the reality of your situation and just proceed with divorcing your husband and set him free. Your heart is not in this marriage and never has been. All this fulmination on your part is probably just to make you feel good about what you are eventually going to do. The thing is that I feel bad for your husband because it seems he truly loved you and his family. Otherwise he would not have undertaken to effect a sea change in his behaviour and attitude and he would not have held out hope for his marriage and repeatedly tried to get you back. He was always invested in his marriage but you were not. Some things become clear in hind sight. I'm sorry if this was not what you were looking for but then that is life. Warm wishes. Edited October 10, 2016 by Just a Guy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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