Would you agree most people are prone to infidelity/cheating?

[vanhalenfan]

I have a general question...

 

I've come to notice (at least in my life) that many people are cheaters in one way or another. I started to feel this way in the past year or so. It seems everywhere I turn these days, I hear about someone's dramatics about either themselves or their partners straying. It makes me sad to think people just can't be loyal to their partners! I know it's become so easy these days with social media and messaging apps and the like...It's different than in the past. It's easy for an ex to come waltzing back into someone's life on FB or to connect to anyone secretly via messenger, snapchat, etc. and get away with it

 

It's just bringing me down because I feel like it's very hard to trust anyone or have a decent, honest relationship. My fiance falls into the "ex coming back, messaging on FB" category. I would never, ever think he'd ever be disloyal. With this happening, and reading everyone's nightmares here on LS, it makes me feel like there's no hope for fidelity out there with the inundation of social media combined with our over-sexed culture.

 

Would you agree that many, if not most, people are engaging in infidelity/cheating these days? Or is this all in my head...

[Buddhist]

I believe most people are prone to being self-centred which can translate into activities such as cheating but not necessarily. I don't think social media has had a huge impact to be honest. I think it just makes an activity that was already prevalent more visible.The trouble is people think marriages are supposed to be eternal bliss or something is wrong. But if we look at our other longterm relationships (familial ones) there are stresses and strains in those relationships that constantly arise, why we think being in a longterm relationship with someone who isn't related is going to be different is beyond me.

[carhill]

Hmm, 'are engaging'. IDK.

 

However, if we look at the entirety of anyone's life, presuming an adult that's made it past the teen years, has everyone tested the boundaries of cheating/being unfaithful in a relationship? Ever?

 

Then we move on to another question, a real difficult one IMO. Who sets the standards for cheating? You? Me? Who? I generally assert that it is the person's partner or spouse who sets the standard. There are billions of those in the world and all are individuals with free will and their own unique perspective.

 

As example, for one partner sex would define cheating but not flirting. For another, flirting or extended interaction may be their boundary. Who's right? Who's not? Why?

 

I think most people, looking at the entirety of their lives, have either flirted with the boundary their spouse or partner has assigned or would assigned or they've actually crossed it. Why? Who among us hasn't lied? Ever? Why do we lie? Complicated answer. Why do we cheat, not spouses or partners, but in general?

 

Never and always are tough sweeps. Personally, I wouldn't want that broom in my hand, especially when attempting to read the minds of others.

 

BTW, I developed this perspective not as a result of a lot of life, though that helped, but rather in my 20's after substantial exposure to MW's. Prior, I had a lot of unrealistic and unhealthy presumptions about women and relationship boundaries.

[Arieswoman]

valhalenfan,

 

hmmmmm, depends what you mean by "cheating"?

 

If two people are dating and A thinks they are exclusive and B doesn't, and then B dates/sleeps with another is that cheating?

 

Or if two people are "on a break" and one sleeps with another person is that cheating?

 

Maybe we need to define "cheating" first

[OneLov]

I respectfully disagree with your premise.

 

But first, you need a working definition of "cheating"? Because if we are going by the biblical definition of adultery, anyone whose previous marriage was not annulled is an adulterer. So if you got a divorce, and had sex with someone else years later--you're an adulterer according to the Bible.

 

On that note, adultery/infidelity is as old as the hills. King David was an adulterer. Hell, he had Uriah killed in battle, so he could have his way with Bathsheba. Look at the number of illegitimate children sired before birth control.

 

The only difference now is it's a lot easier to prove infidelity and escape a disenguious relationship. With those convenient electronic messaging apps comes a paper trail. There's DNA tests too that can prove paternity conclusively. And wives no longer are forced to eat the s*** sandwich upon discovering it. The major difference is "back in the day" it, like a lot of stigmatized behavior and mental health disorders, was not talked about.

 

Were there significantly less adolescents with learning disorders or can it be explained that there was significantly less special-education information and resources available?

[Gloria25]

No...

 

But I believe that people are more selfish and self-centered. They also don't value people and relationships. So, it's easy for them to cheat. They justify it in their heads.

[JustGettingBy]

I agree that most people are prone to cheating.

 

I don't agree that most people are currently actively cheating.

[StalwartMind]

I don't know if it even matters if most people are prone or not, but there are few positive things you need to keep in mind, which we typically tend to overlook when we feel down or disappointed.

 

Those people who are loyal and also happen to be in healthy relationships, we don't hear those stories as much as the negative ones. I don't know if humans as a species are flawed in the sense that we tend to focus on the negative instead of being positive, but it sure can seem that way at times.

 

I'll strongly recommend to find some strength so you don't let negative stories read here or elsewhere affect you so much that it influences your own mental state in such a way that you end up becoming despondent. This is easier said than done, but just because some people choose to cheat, doesn't mean that everyone will. The same goes for those who may fantasize about the appeal of doing something which is "wrong", just because you have such thoughts doesn't mean you'd act on them.

 

There are plenty of things you can do anyway, in order to choose a partner who is more reliable and has a high integrity. How easy or difficult that is depends entirely on you and your own bias and preferences. As such we are very much the one limiting ourselves from finding someone who is right for us. Don't get discouraged no matter the amount of failures or bad experiences you encounter, but also try to learn from them so you can better your own chances in the future.

[Arieswoman]

OneLov #5 makes a valid point;

 

And wives no longer are forced to eat the s*** sandwich upon discovering it. The major difference is "back in the day" it, like a lot of stigmatized behavior and mental health disorders, was not talked about.

 

In UK in 1971 the Divorce Reform Act allowed a couple to divorce on the grounds of adultery, cruelty, desertion for at least 2 years, mutual consent (after 2 years), or if one person only wants a divorce after 5 years.

This resulted in a stampede to the divorce courts with the bulk of the actions being brought by women.

 

While adultery is certainly a valid motive for divorce, but if the divorce isn’t filed within 6 months of the applicant discovering their spouse’s adulterous behaviour, then it’s no longer valid. Adultery is the most common motive for divorce in the UK with 55 percent of all divorcees stating it contributed to their breakup.

[ChickiePops]

Being prone to something and acting on it are two very different things. I do think anyone COULD cheat. I don't think that just anyone WOULD cheat.

[l8estnews]

I do think anyone COULD cheat. I don't think that just anyone WOULD cheat.

 

You're right but don't you think the number of divorce is too high already to claim that majority, if not all, cheats? I mean, those statistics alone are just from the documented ones. I am one of those people who just can't engage a relationship anymore because I believe that majority, if not all, people are no longer capable of love in it's real sense. Majority of the people are so obsessed in the infatuation phase that once it's gone, they believe that it's no longer "working."

 

I desperately, absolutely wanted to believe that unconditional love still exists to many people out there but my surroundings, the people I have interacted with, the news, even this very forum prove that it's not the "norm" already. They say that relationship is a "trial and error" and it's true. But the odds of finding the right partner feels like winning the lottery and it's not worth the pain.

 

So much is at stake.

[ChickiePops]

But not every divorce stems from infidelity...

 

I'm sad that you feel that way about love. I don't think any relationship is perfect..I don't believe in soulmates. But I still think people can love each other past the infatuation stage.

[seren]

I could never cheat, I say that with the knowing of me, what makes me tick and my fundamental rule for myself is to never knowingly hurt another. I have lived by this all my life and I am now 59 and can say, hand on heart, I have never done or participated in something that knowingly hurts another, even for my own benefit. to do that would mean I was cheating on my own values and I would never compromise that.

 

My H had an A, I would have said our relationship was so solid he wouldn't risk it, but he did. Part of the reason was combat stress and PTSD, but is no excuse. Now we are still together, but the pain he still feels at letting me and himself down is still there for him. He compromised the man he thought he was and that will always be a problem for him. He cheated his own value base and nothing I say or do can help him with that.

 

Some people deal with problems head on and others take a different route, a lot of people who cheat take the easy option and look for an escape. I am sure many A's are about love, but it is a skewed love that one enables the other to cheat and the other doesn't care about who they hurt by cheating. In any A at least one person is hurt, either the BS or the OM/OW or everyone. Easiest thing is leave one before beginning the other. I think some people can compartmentalise easier than others which allows them to have an A easier, I don't think it makes anyone more prone to an A, or that all people who have A's are bad people, but I certainly think A's are hurtful, unnecessarily so and are one of the worse things people do to each other..

[Toodaloo]

I think everyone has the ability to cheat but that very few choose to.

 

When you come on forums like this its because there is a problem and you find others who have similar problems. Some like myself stick around once its resolved and others fade away once they sort themselves out.

 

I know a few who have cheated. Mostly men but a few women as well. Some have stayed together, some split up. On the whole though when you take all the people I know well enough to say yay or nay... Its around 10-15% I am guessing whole have either cheated or been cheated on.

 

Sometimes it can feel as though its all consuming and surrounding us but reality is that it is not. Most are perfectly happy to go back to their normal every day lives that have little drama etc in them...

 

They say "you are the company you keep"... Perhaps a change of scenery is in order?

[ChickiePops]

I think everyone has the ability to cheat but that very few choose to.

 

When you come on forums like this its because there is a problem and you find others who have similar problems. Some like myself stick around once its resolved and others fade away once they sort themselves out.

 

I know a few who have cheated. Mostly men but a few women as well. Some have stayed together, some split up. On the whole though when you take all the people I know well enough to say yay or nay... Its around 10-15% I am guessing whole have either cheated or been cheated on.

 

Sometimes it can feel as though its all consuming and surrounding us but reality is that it is not. Most are perfectly happy to go back to their normal every day lives that have little drama etc in them...

 

They say "you are the company you keep"... Perhaps a change of scenery is in order?

 

I agree with all of this except the very few part. Sadly I think there are lots of

Cases where its rug swept or never even discovered.

[WomenWubber]

I think everyone will cheat under the "right" circumstances. For some these circumstances may be extraordinary while for others it does't take much really.

 

What I see nowadays is that we're presented with more opportunities to cheat. It's not just about social media, but society as a whole has changed and continues to change. Cheating is much easier than decades ago, but the chance of getting caught has increased as well.

[Toodaloo]

I agree with all of this except the very few part. Sadly I think there are lots of

Cases where its rug swept or never even discovered.

 

I dunno Chickie...

 

My own father has been tempted twice. The first time she moved away as it was getting a bit much for both and she respected my mother. The second time the woman was... I can't use the phrases I would like to here for that "thing". She actively and unashamedly pursued my father and the silly old goat was flattered by it. Until he woke up.

 

Mum was tempted once as well.

 

There is temptation all around every day and no marriage is ever fail proof unless both parties put the effort in.

 

Like I say. I think if you are surrounded by folk who DO put in effort you are more likely to yourself. If you are surrounded by dramas and people quitting all the time its what you believe you should do as well.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I have a general question...

 

I've come to notice (at least in my life) that many people are cheaters in one way or another. I started to feel this way in the past year or so. It seems everywhere I turn these days, I hear about someone's dramatics about either themselves or their partners straying. It makes me sad to think people just can't be loyal to their partners! I know it's become so easy these days with social media and messaging apps and the like...It's different than in the past. It's easy for an ex to come waltzing back into someone's life on FB or to connect to anyone secretly via messenger, snapchat, etc. and get away with it

 

It's just bringing me down because I feel like it's very hard to trust anyone or have a decent, honest relationship. My fiance falls into the "ex coming back, messaging on FB" category. I would never, ever think he'd ever be disloyal. With this happening, and reading everyone's nightmares here on LS, it makes me feel like there's no hope for fidelity out there with the inundation of social media combined with our over-sexed culture.

 

Would you agree that many, if not most, people are engaging in infidelity/cheating these days? Or is this all in my head...

 

All I can say is: if my wife can cheat, then anyone can cheat.

 

Meaning that I (and anyone else who knows her) would think that she would never ever come close to cheating. But she did!

 

For every couple that you know about the affair, there are many more that you don't know about. I would say that most affairs are never discovered by the BS. Of those that are discovered, many are kept away from the public eye.

 

My eyes have been opened. Compared to pre D-Day, I now believe that infidelity is more widespread and commonplace.

[Miss Peach]

I feel cheating is breaking the agreement. I don't believe that couples who make alternative agreements including others is cheating.

 

I think most people are able to keep their agreements or at least try to augment them. I've met a number of people in non-traditional arrangements and they were typically monogamous for a long time and then moved into other things.

 

I do think monogamy is hard for a lot of people over long periods of time though it's not always due to temptations of other people. I'm a big believe that a lot of infidelity happens due to breaking down of trust, communication, and/or sex/affection in a relationship.

 

Having said that, I've met a number of married men hit on me with their wives not knowing; especially this year. There are many people out there who want to have their cake and eat it too. It makes me sad that these men (or women) don't put that attention into their relationships or end them. I feel bad for the spouse at home who has no idea. I recently learned that someone who was hitting on me at work was doing so not just with a wife and a child but that his wife was pregnancy with kid number two. I feel really bad for his wife.

[TooRational]

Quite depressing to read all of that...

My ex-wife did cheat a few years into our relationship.

 

I never did cheat. I hope I will be strong enough to never do that.

 

However, I'm open to explore swinging with a willing partner. I never did but it seems like a good compromise. Sexual attraction towards others is natural. Exploring these fantasies together show a great deal of trust and I believe that it has the potential to deepen a relationship. It also has the potential to be very destructive...