Just another cheating husband /Making sense of it

[Runningincircles]

I’m a 44 year old man, married to one woman for 22 years at this point. I’m writing this, part in confessional style and partly to make some sense of what I’ve been through in life. At year 9 of my marriage, I met a woman through work (I was military she was a civilian working for the government), and in the next year, we enjoyed more of each other’s company to become a physical affair until my work took me to my next military duty station. Although I was crazy about her, I rarely thought the words “Love” while we were together. We continued contact via phone calls, emails, and eventually video chat almost daily until 7 years later. There I was on the couch with my laptop, wife doing the same on an adjacent couch during a casual evening surfing the net, etc. During this time I was chatting on messenger intermittently with my lady friend of 7 years. My wife went by me and stopped to see what I was up to…..I tried to shut down the messenger unsuccessfully….panicked, shut down the computer, and then my wife and I had a very long uncomfortable conversation about what just transpired. I told her the history of those seven years, 8 months of which were a steamy affair with the woman. Things were never the same.

I swore to myself, and her as well, that I would completely end all contact with this other woman. Yet, we have continued, to this very day to message and chat, mostly about platonic things, but sometimes getting quite sexual. I have not physically touched this woman in 11 years, yet at times feel like she is the one who got away. We tell each other we love each other often. We’re both married, she with three children. We have no plans to ever leave our spouses for another person.

My wife hasn’t worked a job in over ten years and even then, it was mostly part time positions. My military service of many years wasn’t so unstable that this would have been difficult to maintain jobs. I have never been in agreement with my wife on this. She just sits at home and has very few people she sees socially unless I am there. I ask her to get out and do things…..this is a broken record for many many years.

My wife is a 45 year old woman, married to me only, no children at all, we have pets, and a massive pile of credit card debt we share collectively. Both of my parents have passed away in recent years, and hers are in ill health so she visits the nursing home and supports her mother a number of ways. She really is a wonderful woman, full of sweetness, still sexy to me, we compliment and thank each other often, we have zero history of physical violence or emotional abuse for each other. We have no sexual or reproductive dysfunction that I know of, she has dealt with depression for a number of years. We rarely have sex!!

I’ve tried to leave her through the years, specifically over the job situation, but we always end up making up. I’ve asked numerous times for us to go to marriage counseling…..she absolutely refuses. She wants no outside help on anything and often says, she couldn’t talk badly to someone else about me. We haven’t had sex in 4 months…. We haven’t had sex without the aid of alcohol in probably 8 years

I work a 50 hour week, she expects me to do my own laundry, assist with chores around the house…. I call bull****. 

So obviously from what you’ve read, I’ve crossed the line back then, I’m still continuing to ride the line as well. I have to say, this other woman has been key through the years when I talked about leaving my wife…..to convince me to stick it out. I tried to bring up our need for counseling and other things last night. Met with deaf ears. At our current track, she will be disabled completely by age 50 and I will be attending to all of her needs. We’ll be bankrupt. Am I in a downward spiral of my own depression? Am I legit in a screwed up situation and need to run?

 

Ok, go ahead…advice? roast me?….I dunno I’m lost.

[Regretful one]

I am the same age as you. I betrayed my wife in the physical way as well as in the emotional way. I recently confessed to my wife but I have always known that I love her and never wanted to leave her. I only confessed to her in hopes of preparing the damage Ive caused and start over in a totally honest way and work on our issues most of which are mine. Im currently separated but hopeful for reconciliation.

 

I would say you need to spend some serious time thinking about what you want. its not fair to your wife to continue this double life. If you respect her you need to come clean and decide what you ultimately want. Living unhappy is going to be good for you or her.

 

I know all about downward spirals and I was in one for sure. The only way out for me was to confess to my wife and God. And start the long road of changing the way I live my life.

 

Best of luck.

[NTV]

Sounds like you made a huge mess and aren't ready to clean it up.

 

Is it possible the time and attention you gave to this other woman slanted your thinking towards your wife? You probably valued your wife less even subconsciously because you had this other woman on the hook. And years of being treated as if devalued probably is a good place to start if looking at how your marriage got here.

 

So two things. .. first this woman you're talking to on the side. I think you should drop her. She's poison. I know you are conflicted about it. Clear your mind and your life of her.... for your own good. Nothing good will come by staying in touch with her.

 

Second, I think you should take a look at the posts of some of the women here who have been cheated on. Try to understand the pain you have placed your wife in with this. It won't be easy to read. At first you may think that they are exaggeration. It's not. The more you read the more you will realize that this is one of the most traumatic things that can be done to a person.

 

My recommendation is to start with those two things first. It may sound like I am recommending you fly to the moon. But you realize that you have sacrificed your own honor here. That right now your own wife probably thinks you are the biggest scumbag on the planet. I'm not saying that you are. I'm saying that if your level of regret is high enough that you must face your actions then do so with open eyes.

 

I'm glad you are looking for help with this. I hope you have found some here.

[S2B]

Why do you have so much credit card debt?

 

Have you ever considered that your wife may be depressed because you don't spend your time and energy connecting to her? I'd be depressed too if my husband spent all his time and energy focused on another woman.

 

It's pretty darn crappy what you're doing to her. You've made a mockery of your marriage and you see it as an inconvenience that your wife is mentally struggling? YOU are causing it!

 

You want to keep cheating? Do her a favor and divorce her! That way a new man can treat her right - with love and respect!

 

You, sir, haven't even tried to honor those vows you took. I'd have a hard time having sex with a man like that too - I want to genuinely have sex with a man that makes me feel like I'm his top priority - that treats me with dignity and respect.

 

Certainly being in the military you must have an idea what those words mean.

 

And you say your wife is sitting at home all day - no, she's not! Her parents are ill and she's trying to look after their care.

 

Cut her a break - divorce her - she deserves better... A man who treats her well and that's not you.

 

Not once did you state that YOU need to change! Yet YOU are the one who did her SO wrong.

 

Own it - it's your behavior that's ruined your marriage... And since you don't seem to intend to change its never gonna improve.

[seren]

It's hard being the partner of someone in the military, I know, I was with H all through his 26 years service. I was lucky that I had a profession that meant I could find well paid work anywhere. I saw those wives who stayed at home, who couldn't get regular jobs as employers didn't want someone who might move on at the drop of a hat. Some people don't make friends easily, add that to moving to new places and trying to break into the many cliques that form on military bases and it can add up to a lot of lonely people.

 

As well as all that, we all know we are second to the military, we accept that, but we don't always like it. It can also be hard feeling older than a lot of the wives or husbands as many military are young people. It can be an unreal world, some sink and some swim. not having children makes it harder too.

 

It does sound as though your wife might have long term depression, the spending is a stand out clue to that, trying to fill emptiness with stuff. Maybe she needs some support with that. As for the A, that will further add to her feeling less than, no one evr gets over an A, not on their own. It saps self esteem and confidence and makes even the most confident person wonder if they are good enough. It is your job to make sure she never, ever doubts that she is.

 

I read a lot of self justification for your online A, which sounds like an escape, rather than face up to what is going on in your marriage. I don't care if you and the OW have never met for 11 yrs, you meet online, you say ILY to her and the time you spend doing this takes away the time and love you should or could be investing in your wife and marriage. imagine if you had glanced at your W's computer and found she had been doing to you what you have done to her and with her in the same room, pretty crappy behaviour on your part. Really, take time to think about that and ask yourself how it would make you feel.

 

If you are stuck in a rut and most long term marriages fall into that at some point, do something about it, put as much effort into it as you put into the OW, arrange days out, go for a picnic, go watch the ocean, they don't cost money and won't rack up your bills. Do small things that show you care, if you want to help your wife, help her heal and show her you love her and that you are truly sorry. I don't read remorse in your post,

 

Most of us BS are good, 'sweet' people, it's why it makes it so easy to cheat, it is because we love and we trust and when that is broken, it hurts so, so much. Afterwards we are all changed in some way. I suspect your wife is feeling pretty lost by it all add that to caring for her parents and no wonder she is feeling as she does.

 

if you do not want to fix your marriage then talk to her, make plans together to end your marriage and make it easy, for her. As for the OW, end that today, let her husband know, yes it will open a huge can of worms, one that neither of you will probably want, but, everytime you log onto your chat messaging, you are cheating, every word you share is cheating, everytime you sex text is cheating. Each moment you are getting your needs met by another woman is time you could and should be investing in your wife and marriage, if not, then as others have said, leave, let her meet someone who values her and will help and support her through her illness, depression is an illness.

 

As for texting while she is in the room, words fail me, that is so disrespectful, it might not feel it to you, but you brought your affair into your home and conducted it right in front of her face, for shame on you. I hope you can find a solution, we all have just one life and being unhappy shouldn't be a factor, neither should making someone else unhappy. I am not bashing you, just trying to get you to understand how it is and that carrying on as you are is not good, for any of you. Don't stop posting and asking for help, after the initial meh, you will get support, but you need to want it.

[ChickiePops]

You and your wife don't appear to even like each other, let alone love.

 

Cheating is disgusting and it's not ok that you are doing it. Grow a pair and leave her already. Let her find someone who won't cheat, and you find someone who's not a mooch.

[Midwestmissy]

If the other woman really cared about your marriage, she wouldn't be complicit in ruining it. You're using The affair to not deal with your marriage. To think that the ow knows more about your marriage than your wife is insulting and cruel. Please let your wife go.

 

I have a feeling life with your cyber girlfriend would not turn out like you think it would. It's not reality.

[afoolto no end]

I read your story and it is very clear which woman you love and have the emotional connection with, how can you expect your wife and your marriage to be any other way than it is.

Your wife knows and you hurt her and now you expect her to be a good loving wife to you, are you a good husband my guess is no, my guess is you live your private life with your emotional connection to your other woman.....

If you don't think your wife knows, your wrong.

She can feel it, feels your emotional disconnect, has accepted the friendship and roommate life you have set up doing what you have done......

Your expectations of her are wrong, your relationship/sex life with her is because of that disconnect..........you have to try to have a relationship work and I see none of that in any real sense, Love marriage is about Love, respect, honor, loyalty are you any of those........no!!

stop expecting your wife to be what you aren't and won't and have chosen not to give.......

Single life styles and choices do their own laundry don't they.

Sounds like she just shut up and let you live the life you chose.....it's that simple but that doesn't mean she has to be a wife if you aren't really a husband.

just your reality, your choices.

[elaine567]

Did I miss something?

Why will your wife be "completely disabled" by age 50?

[gettingstronger]

Leave your marriage- you will still have to support her financially but the rest will be done- you both will be able to find yourselves better if you are not together- get in to credit counseling to get your finances under control-

I am thinking the OW will not be part of your life if you are single, there is some safety in you both being married, but that is OK, if your life is a mess, you have to act now to clean it up-50 means you are probably pretty close to the end of your military career-you have a lot to get done- start very soon-

[waterwoman]

Sounds like she just shut up and let you live the life you chose.....it's that simple but that doesn't mean she has to be a wife if you aren't really a husband.

just your reality, your choices.

 

 

Yep. You haven't really been a husband for years. Maybe she hasn't been a wife to you but marriage isn't about tit for tat, who blinks first. Give up the OW and sort yourself out, or give up your marriage.

[wmacbride]

Like one of posters above, I'm a military spouse, and it's not an easy road to follow.

 

I don't know if you've been deployed or not, if you spend a lot of time out in the field or not, but if you have, those times have probably been really tough on your wife. It's not easy being left behind for months at a time, being afraid every time the phone rings, scared to watch the news or read a paper because of what you might see. It's really difficult if your don't live on a base and are alone, as most people can't understand what it's like. I know from personal experience and also from helping other women and a few men who were at home during field duty/deployments. It's really tough, and some can't handle it. They shut down.

 

There is also some of what you say that sounds off, and it's probably because I am on the outside looking in. from my understanding, the affair has been going on for many years, so your current list of complaints about your wife is really not germane to your rationalizing your behavior. The affair has been going on for over a decade, so complaints about your wife's low sex drive etc. are peripherals, as it sounds like you have been cheating for far longer than that has been going on. The same is true for her other behaviors you have an issue with.

 

I find it incredibly disrespectful that you can sit close to your wife and carry on the affair from just a few feet away from her, and that you've done so for such a long time. How can you be so duplicitous? Quite frankly, it's no wonder your wife has shut down. You have invested so much of your emotional energy that you don't have much left for her. She likely trusted you enough to not think it was an affair, but rather something she was doing wrong. She may have internalized that. You also say that you have asked for counseling, but she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to say anything bad about you. Again, stop trying to blame your actions and choices from over a decade ago on her current behavior.

 

I also find it incredibly disingenuous that your ow gives you marital advice. That's quite two faced of her, but given that she's been cheating on her spouse for so long, I can't say I'm surprised. It seems to be a part of her nature, and sorry to say it, yours as well.

 

 

I don't usually like to advocate for divorce, but given the length of your affair and how long you have been able to deceive her with little or no scruples about doing so, I don't see why she would ever be able to trust you again or even want to stay with you. If the roles were reversed, would you want to stay with someone who had treated you in this way?

 

I would highly suggest that you take stock of your life and some ownership of what you have done. Stop trying to blame your behavior on your wife and look inwards.

 

btw, I'm am a former bs. my husband had an affair many years ago, but we reconciled. It was a really difficult time for him, but he was incredibly brave and showed a huge amount of strength in facing his demons. It might have been easier for him to walk away, but he didn't. If you decide to try and salvage your marriage, and if your wife is willing to stay and allow you to do so, do you think you have the strength to do it? It's not easy, and not the right choice for everyone.

[dreamingoftigers]

Did I miss something?

Why will your wife be "completely disabled" by age 50?

 

How convenient that now he's looking for the exit.

 

Time to check-out on the disabled wife

[merrmeade]

Sure wonder what Wife's side of this story is...

[aileD]

Im going to be blunt but not rude!

 

You're living in a fantasy world with your online friend.

 

You are using her to escape your unhappiness at home instead of actually dealing with your crap at home.

 

Do you want your marriage? If not- move out and start divorce process.

 

If you do want marriage AND/OR You're not sure ...then say goodbye to your fantasy woman and either fix your marriage or do the steps that you need to do to figure out if you want to stay married.

 

Yes...even if you aren't sure what you want--that means you're not a yes on divorce which means bye bye AP.

 

Your AP isn't going to leave her marriage for you anyway. You already said that.

Edited October 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

Your post is riddled with contradictions and inconsistencies but I'll point out one:

 

We rarely have sex!!

 

Is this a surprise? You've put your emotional and sexual energy into another woman for the majority of your marriage. The grass is greener where you water it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Runningincircles]

Thank you all for your responses. Many difficult pills to swallow and i do acknowledge that as difficult as that is, it pales in comparison to the damage i inflicted and am inflicting to my marriage. Ive always felt im very compartmentalized in how i live my life and not allowing one side affect the other. Id say the one comment that did have the most impact on me as i read was from AFOOL TO NO END...Where you mentioned she can feel the disconnect. Im betting youre right. Ive considered that as well. I find myself rationalizing far too much. Feeling like i do put my heart and energies into my life with the wife. Im not the kind of guy who is distant or hateful. I give and give and give...... All that said, i have not been genuine to many people in my life because of my ability to decieve.

 

Military status is now retired. The disabled comment is that she depends on me for everything psychologically. (22 years of this) and the depression which she refuses to fully address (only meds no counseling despite recommemdations by Dr) is taking her bit by bit. So yes im concerned, involved, and helpful .....but its a beast. Inconsistencies.? All factual. If i told you our life story, you wouldnt believe it, there have been some very good times throughout the years, but also some dark moments.

 

Im working towards elimination of this distraction. (The OW) This is most certainly an addiction, that causes far more damage than many substances other use to get their high.

 

Every day that i find myself blaming someone else (Wife) for my problems i do try to reset and say "what can i do to change me" and not react to the perceived grievances. This is part of why im here to put it out there for commentary. Thanks again! The writing is on the wall.....i have to cut the cancer out!!

[S2B]

Thank you all for your responses. Many difficult pills to swallow and i do acknowledge that as difficult as that is, it pales in comparison to the damage i inflicted and am inflicting to my marriage. Ive always felt im very compartmentalized in how i live my life and not allowing one side affect the other. Id say the one comment that did have the most impact on me as i read was from AFOOL TO NO END...Where you mentioned she can feel the disconnect. Im betting youre right. Ive considered that as well. I find myself rationalizing far too much. Feeling like i do put my heart and energies into my life with the wife. Im not the kind of guy who is distant or hateful. I give and give and give...... All that said, i have not been genuine to many people in my life because of my ability to decieve.

 

Military status is now retired. The disabled comment is that she depends on me for everything psychologically. (22 years of this) and the depression which she refuses to fully address (only meds no counseling despite recommemdations by Dr) is taking her bit by bit. So yes im concerned, involved, and helpful .....but its a beast. Inconsistencies.? All factual. If i told you our life story, you wouldnt believe it, there have been some very good times throughout the years, but also some dark moments.

 

Im working towards elimination of this distraction. (The OW) This is most certainly an addiction, that causes far more damage than many substances other use to get their high.

 

Every day that i find myself blaming someone else (Wife) for my problems i do try to reset and say "what can i do to change me" and not react to the perceived grievances. This is part of why im here to put it out there for commentary. Thanks again! The writing is on the wall.....i have to cut the cancer out!!

 

All things aside...

 

You can look at the way YOU participate! YOU are responsible for your actions and words.

 

YOU are responsible for change. YOU can change yourself...your actions and words.

 

No one else is to blame for what you've done.

 

If you don't enjoy your wife/the marriage? Then end it.

 

Cheating isn't solving your issues a using another woman isn't a solution.

 

It's mean and cruel.

 

Stop blaming everyone but self - you did this and you can change it too.