Just need to send this to someone

[just becasue]

My girl and I split just short of 4 weeks ago after a 5 month long distance relationship. I'm 28, she's 24. We were from the same small town and reconnected after not seeing each other for almost 10 years and developed a relationship. She came from a broken home and had a bit of a reputation, a lot of small town drama ( take that how you want it ). Towards the end of the relationship we had started to drift apart and I wanted to take a break. She was against it and we were together for a whole week when she ended it. It was mutual agreed upon, no fighting, drama, name calling or the like. We've been in contact twice since then. I've been doing a lot of reading online, even broke down and bought one of those stupid ebooks. (I'll see if that satisfaction guarantee is true at all)

 

I've been doing no contact, exercising, trying to stay positive. I live alone and am a traveling salesman in a remote area so I get very lonely and break down often. Cried myself to sleep the last two nights and am just having a hard time getting over the hump. I've started to write my thoughts down just to get them out of my head.

 

Went to visit the family this weekend, and ended up leaving early because I just wasn't myself and was bringing everyone down. Came home and wrote out a letter to my ex about my feelings which I know I shouldn't send so I thought I'd share it here. I don't necessarily need advice on whether to send it or not, I will wait it out and if I still feel the same after a couple of days I may send it. I don't need everyone to jump in and tell me to forget about her, move on, the same watered down advise thats repeated on here in multiple threads. I just needed to get this letter sent to someone.

 

Dear Ex,

 

Don't be overwhelmed at the length of this letter. This isn't me professing my love to you. This isn't me begging you to take me back. This isn't me being upset and angry at you. These are just my thoughts. Before you read on I want you to know that I don't expect a response to this writing, or answers to all my questions. But, I will ask a few things of you. Firstly, read this letter in its entirety and know that I mean the things that I say. More on the other things later.

 

The reason I want you to know I mean what I write in this letter is because when we broke up I'm not sure I was honest. I know I've told you I'm the most honest person you'll ever meet, and I was throughout our time together, and maybe that's one of my things that drove you crazy. But, I did not tell you how I really felt that night we parted. I panicked because I knew I was losing you, and while I may have appeared calm, I was wanting to cry just as you were. I can't remember what was all said, because I had to delete our texts and block out our conversation so I could process this change, which I'm still doing. I do remember agreeing and saying I felt the same, but I didn't. Nothing really started to sink in until I came off the pain pills I got for my neck, and oh man did everything hurt then, especially my heart. I knew I had lost you. I had felt it since you started to have 2nd thoughts back in August. You were pulling away, and rather than finding the cause and solving whatever issues they were I backed away because I didn't know what to do. But now you were gone and I had to deal with it.

 

Being the analytical person I am. I immediately jump on the internet and start researching how to get my ex back, and let me tell you there must be a huge market for desperate guys out there. Rather than looking at what could have put me in this situation, all I thought about was how to get you back. Well I read a lot and started taking some of the steps, but today I had an epiphany. I needed to reflect, and all the thoughts spinning around in my head had to come out, and that's why I'm writing this.

 

Everything I read was about not contacting you. Make her jealous, shun her till she comes crawling back. But that's not the relationship we had. That isn't what I wanted you to feel. They also went on and on about how I should not tell you how I feel, because it is a sign of weakness. It would be an ego boost for you. An affirmation to your decision to walk away. And who knows, maybe this letter will make you think less of me and not want to ever speak to me again. But, I'm stubborn, so **** it.

 

I suck at explaining my feelings, and I have to collect my thoughts and pile them together, usually after the point where things are fixable, which is a fault of mine that I now know and am working on.

 

Two things really made me realize the way I felt about our relationship. An article I read online, which I printed, and if you could, please read it now. (What Happens When You Break Up On Good Terms | Thought Catalog) And the other was a song I'd never heard, that I'd like you to listen to after reading this. I'll leave it at the end. Please listen to the lyrics, and read the article, as I could not have written anything more true about the way I feel.

 

If you cheated and kept reading, please stop because I'm going to describe what I took away from the article. No seriously, stop reading As you read through the article I'm not sure if you felt any of those thins, but I do. I know we never told each other we were in love, because I don't think we were ready. But I do know what we shared was special. Especially the friendship we created. Not hearing from you has been the hardest part for me. I could always reach out to you when I needed someone. And that was big for me. I've always kind of been a loner, and you helped me realize that I am not alone. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose this friendship that we built, even if it means losing you as a girlfriend, which is incredibly hard to swallow. I'm basically surrendering to the friend zone according to my research, but that article had it much better. My feelings of romance and wanting to have you as my own will subside, and I'm ok with that. But not having someone to tell my stupid jokes to, or tag me in something on facebook (seriously, unblock me), or to facetime and see that smile that makes my worries disappear would be worse. I really feel that you understand me. My goals, my passions, my insecurities. And it would just make me glad if you were back in my life.

 

I hope you're still reading, and at this point I'm feeling pretty vulnerable. Imagining all the ways you could feel right now is daunting. Are you smiling? Are you rolling your eyes? Are you laughing, texting Sami about how much of a sap I am? Are you mad I've been ignoring you? Are you feeling any of the things that I am? The questions go on and on in my head.

 

Here is where the letter is going to change tone a little. Some of this will be hard to write, and I'm hoping, not too hard to read, as it may make you like me even less and not want to hear from me, and not continue to have the friendship we once had. First, I'm sorry for being critical of you best friend, Sami. Nobody wants to hear their friends being criticized, especially when I don't know the relationship you have had with her and all the experiences you have shared, and for that I am sorry. I just want you to know that it was well intentioned, and I want to make sure that she treats you as well as she should. I do think I helped you realize some of the ways she mistreated you, and I hope you continue to stand up for yourself, especially if I can't be there for you. Secondly, I want to apologize for the strain my family put on our relationship, and you. I am going to stand up for them though, but only because they wanted to protect me from the person they thought you were. Which you are NOT! And you may not have realized it, but they did like you, aside from Jim (We'll get to him later). Was my mother worried about me dating you, and did she have an "opinion" about you? Yes, but she is worried about me, and has an opinion on me and my choices too. She also trusted me to make my own decision on who I choose to date, and she came to see your awesome personality, and how happy you made me when we were together, and she saw you in a new light. Now onto Jim. This next sentence may make you hate me, make you want to rip up this letter and never speak to me again, but please keep reading and let me explain why. If you can find it in your heart, I'd ask you to forgive him. Not that he deserved it, and you have every right to despise the way he thinks about you. But I have to stand up for my brother, only because he was trying to watch out for me. Jim's friends are the ones who formed his "opinion" on you, and he would not back down because he believed it to be true. Do you think those same friends that came running to you with apologies after what they said about you went back to Jim and said you were not that person? Jim has every right to his opinion because he trusts his friends, and every time I would try to defend you, he would tell me I was just being blinded by you, and that you were only using me for sex and my nice things. This is the version of you that was put into his head by those friends who he trusts. Those horrible things said about you were the reason I had so many prying questions in the beginning of our relationship. He made it his business, because he was afraid of me getting hurt. Just know that his friends assured him of his opinions and please try not to hate him.

 

Now my thoughts are completely lost after trying to defend my brother who I too can hardly stand to be around when I think of the strain he put on us, and the way it must have made you feel. Are you still reading? Am I talking to no one? Do you understand how hard this is to write, or where I'm coming from at all?

 

And finally, my conclusion on what went wrong. You said "It just didn't feel right." "I've done certain things or acted in ways that drive you crazy." and I'm sure both of those are true. I am a hard person to love, you can ask my mother. I know we come from very different worlds, but I do know we have more in common than you think. We both have been hurt in past relationships. We both built up walls to hide behind so we didn't have to feel that hurt again. I think in our time together those walls crumbled, and we both allowed each other to care, but then we stopped. We never talked about what our goals were for the relationship. We never got to core emotional topics that could pull us together or tear us apart. Why? I don't know. Maybe that was the screw up. Maybe we needed to ask each other things differently, or we should have been more emotionally available. I know I should have handled situations better, and I will continue to work on it. Maybe you were using me (I don't believe it, but the way my minds been racing with out you to talk to I'm running out of guesses)

 

Am I dooming any chance of a relationship with you by pouring my heart out? Am I ruining a chance of even a friendship? Maybe. Maybe all the break-up "experts" are right and I've just ****ed myself, but oh well. You're worth the risk. I'm done pretending to ignore you. I'm done waiting for you to call and ask me trivial things like how I've been so I can lie and say things are great so you feel like you're missing out. I'm not going to slowly try and ease my way back into your life. These are my feelings. You can take them or leave them. I want you in my life in some way or another, but if you don't then that's life. We will both go on to find the right person, because we are both too great not to.

 

I hope your life is going great. I hope you kick ass in school, and get your body back to where it makes you happy. (Just don't lose that booty) And I know you will! In fact I'll be texting you when your challenge is up to see how you did. I'm well on my way and haven't slacked since we agreed not to on Sept 12. I've been writing more jokes too for if I ever get the guts to do an open mic. Maybe I'll get to tell them to you sometime.

 

I'll end with a couple of quotes that are special to me from none other than 2 of my ex girlfriends. "Thank you for reminding me to open my heart and for reminding me that I'm not alone." -

"You can't choose who you love." - .

 

Did you forget about the song?

I don't want to change you - Damien Rice

 

P.S. I know I said I don't need to hear from you, but a quick text saying you got this, or a "**** you don't speak to me again" would be appreciated over silence.

 

Thanks and best wishes.

Me

Edited October 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed URL

[ShootingStarlet]

Oh my God.... that is probably one of the WORST break-up letters ever ever.

No. Just nooo.

 

Firstly, I will tell you where you went right :

'You said "It just didn't feel right." "I've done certain things or acted in ways that drive you crazy." and I'm sure both of those are true. I am a hard person to love, you can ask my mother. I know we come from very different worlds, but I do know we have more in common than you think. We both have been hurt in past relationships. We both built up walls to hide behind so we didn't have to feel that hurt again. I think in our time together those walls crumbled, and we both allowed each other to care, but then we stopped. We never talked about what our goals were for the relationship. We never got to core emotional topics that could pull us together or tear us apart. Why? I don't know. Maybe that was the screw up. Maybe we needed to ask each other things differently, or we should have been more emotionally available. I know I should have handled situations better, and I will continue to work on it.'

 

That was good. In fact, if you just wrote that with a hello and goodbye around it, it would be effective.

 

You liked this girl...she liked you...she doesn't want to hear about your family having a bad 'opinion' of her, she doesn't want to hear that you think she may have been 'using' you. You're a grown man, your mama's opinion of her should never interfere with your decision to be with her, bringing your mother into this is pathetic and shows a lack of real maturity on your part and she will know that. 'Standing up' for your brother is also pathetic, because if he was rude or cruel to her, you actually need to 'stand up' TO him and not for him, sorry. Just don't bring him up. This is a letter that I presume is designed to make her realise how important she was to you and how you value your relationship with her, so it really just be about all the ways she brought you joy.

I did like the paragraph on how you liked the friendship, but it felt a little one-sided, like how you liked the way she was giving you attention because no one really gives you attention...but I liked how you said she made you smile. However, people don't like feeling like they're being used for attention.

I hate the whole thing about you going online to find 'ex-back' stuff, that's ridiculous, don't say that. She'll read that and wonder why you said that and then decide you are basically ashamed of the fact that you want her back and you are not going to go to the lengths of other guys in the world to get her back because you are too proud, but you will tell her that you 'attempted' it for a moment but lost interest....she'll just presume you're trying to say that she isn't worth it.

There's too much reading in this letter that will just make her angry or confused and not enough that will make her feel emotion.

I feel that you need to read a few letters from other people that you can find online and maybe even letters from authors and poets, because the letter your wrote here is just a mess and doesn't have any real line of thought and doesn't show your emotions in a precise way. This is the kind of letter a girl will read once, feel confused and angry, then throw it away and never talk to the person who sent it again, or only see them in a friend context.

 

The ironic part is, you think you look strong in this letter by saying how you won't go and be 'desperate' and that you won't ask her back or you won't do the things they say to do and basically all the things you won't do to have her back....which actually makes you appear weak to her because it's clear you don't have the follow through to get her back and you don't have the passion.

[Art_Critic]

She will never read it, don't send it.. it doesn't make you look good and is nothing more than a ploy to get her back, and that will push her further away.

 

Letters like this are okay to write, they can be cathartic.. but you never send a letter like this to an EX.. ever...you write the letter for yourself and then delete it or file it.

 

File this in the closure folder and understand that breakups suck, they hurt but you will get over it and move on.. look to the future.

[Zahara]

Please don't send this to her. This isn't going to go over well especially to someone who isn't emotionally invested in you. Don't project. It's good to purge your feelings on paper but leave it at that.

[ShootingStarlet]

I actually disagree, I feel that if you want to say something to someone it's ok to do that, and letter form is good, but as long as it doesn't make them feel bad about the situation...like they don't need to hear too much, just a brief little note to say that they meant something positive to you and that you don't feel angry towards them, then it's ok. I would have felt better hearing back from guys I left that they don't hate me and that they took something positive from their experience of being with me and that I made a small difference for the better in their lives...sometimes the person who leaves feels just as bad when they have to deal with their guilt of hurting someone and then also come to terms of their time just being wasted and not being positive for them or the other person...but short and simple.

[kidm]

I actually disagree, I feel that if you want to say something to someone it's ok to do that, and letter form is good, but as long as it doesn't make them feel bad about the situation...like they don't need to hear too much, just a brief little note to say that they meant something positive to you and that you don't feel angry towards them, then it's ok. I would have felt better hearing back from guys I left that they don't hate me and that they took something positive from their experience of being with me and that I made a small difference for the better in their lives...sometimes the person who leaves feels just as bad when they have to deal with their guilt of hurting someone and then also come to terms of their time just being wasted and not being positive for them or the other person...but short and simple.

 

You are projecting based on what YOU would want. Plus that note is anything but short and simple or a brief little note. If you must send for your sanity, there are parts that might be fine but that long a** rambling manifesto (with instructions re a response, reading additional material- lyrics, etc.) is cringe-worthy. Sorry to say. I understand you're very emotional now and it's hard to be objective but I would not send that letter. It is usually therapeutic to get it out though so hopefully posting on here helped a little. Anyway, I guess you will do what you want. Best wishes!

[just becasue]

Thanks for the replies. I'm actually feeling much better now and I think a big part of it was me writing that. I didn't send it to anyone, and don't ever plan on it anymore. We haven't spoken, and I'm thinking I'll just wait and see if she reaches out to me. If not I'll probably move on. I still think about her a lot, but have a much more positive outlook. Thanks again.