BlueIris Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Honestly, hoping to hear of others who may have been in a similar situation having successfully made it work. Where love was worth it. He doesn't love you. His actions prove that. Tell him to move out. If you can't bring yourself to break up with him yet, tell him to move out for 6 months as a reset and because you need space to work things out in your own mind. IF he truly does love you, he will move out because he does care about what's best for you. But I bet he won't do it or he'll turn the tables to blame you for not loving him, not being willing to make it work, how hard it will be on his child (common weapon- don't do it to the child) OR he'll whine about the inconvenience or expense to him, blah blah. You have to find out and this is the best time to see what he's truly made of- before you make a 50-year commitment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 I had no idea that she even existed, this man spent so much time with me, I even introduced him to my own family. He does not speak to her anymore and she is completely blocked from our lives. I'm not worried that he will go back to her because he would have chosen her. You are naive. He has cheated on her throughout and she let him, and now he's doing the same thing to you and all he cares about is keeping both of you. He's not choosing anyone! He's just scrambling to keep his little setup in place. He is a lying cheating jerk, and if you still want him, you need to examine why you don't think you deserve better than that. Marriage in no way makes a cheater faithful! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I had no idea that she even existed, this man spent so much time with me, I even introduced him to my own family. He does not speak to her anymore and she is completely blocked from our lives. I'm not worried that he will go back to her because he would have chosen her. Right, and whomever hisnnew girlfriend is/will be will probably have no idea that you exist. He was leading a double life. You were unwittingly the other woman in the relationship. Why are you ok with this??? I am shocked that you're not more upset about this... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I had no idea that she even existed, this man spent so much time with me, I even introduced him to my own family. He does not speak to her anymore and she is completely blocked from our lives. I'm not worried that he will go back to her because he would have chosen her. I'm not worried that he will go back to her because he would have chosen her -- He didn't cut her out. I'd bet that she dumped him. He can't go back to her so he's settling for you . . . He does not speak to her anymore and she is completely blocked from our lives. -- Yes, but what about the next girl that strikes his fancy . . . You will likely enjoy many years of walking on eggshells, looking around corners, looking for lipstick on his collar, checking his phone and wondering every time he is late getting home . . . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 TWO YEARS! - Think about this and you will have all the answers you need. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Why on earth do you think you deserve to be treated like this? Because it's not going to stop. He's only begging to stay (giving you a ring) because he got caught. Any man that can look you in the eye, tell you that they love you after banging the other lady, is cold, calculated and extremely selfish. Ask yourself what are you afraid of? That you feel like you need to settle for this jerk? If your kid timeline is worrisome, then please don't settle for him. Many women have kids later in life, you still have time. To find someone that won't crawl into bed next you and uour baby after banging another woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 chilli5, Honestly, hoping to hear of others who may have been in a similar situation having successfully made it work. Where love was worth it. Whose love are we talking about? It seems to me that his love is a different type of love to yours. Love doesn't need lies, deceit and hurt to grow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) This dude is basically my crazy ex. He had gf and baby with her while being with me, I was also his gf. And he told her and me he is done with me/her when I exposed him. Yet he tried to keep us both. He still hits me up. So no. Its not worth it. No. He wont change. No. You wont be his only one. No. He is not in love with you. And you will get over him and find someone better. Kick him out. If you dont. One day you wake up and realise you wasted your life for this douchebag. And then you really regret your choices. Do right by you. If you choose to stay with him you need to understand that soon youre 40 years old or 50 years old and ruined your life. If thats fine by you. Marry him. Edited October 10, 2016 by Fruitee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I had no idea that she even existed, this man spent so much time with me, I even introduced him to my own family. He does not speak to her anymore and she is completely blocked from our lives. I'm not worried that he will go back to her because he would have chosen her. Sounds like she caught him cheating and doesn't want to do anything with him not the other way around. So the argument that he would be with her isn't standing. Look, nobody is perfect but you will regret marrying someone who obviously has such huge character flaws. Always choose a man based on how honest, kind and trustworthy he is because any other type of man will become a huge source of pain for you over time. Don't marry this guy ! I know that you don't want to start over but you will find yourself starting over anyway if you stay with him. You'll just be older and more bitter after he puts you through more pain. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 He didn't CHOOSE you, you were the last woman standing when his "ex" dumped him for cheating on her with you. This not "love", this is pragmatism on his part. Why is this guy moving in with YOU? Does he not have his own accommodation, or did he just "move in" with the ex too and so he is now homeless? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhotchili5 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Share Posted October 10, 2016 We should live together since we want to get married. He had his own place but I don't want to move in there because apparently that's were his ex was all the time. I think about that place I think of her, he told me he had a cleaning lady and a laundry lady and constantly ordered out, when really she was cleaning and cooking and doing his laundry since they've been together. Doesn't make sense for him to keep the place since he spends all his time here now and is actually in closer proximity to his son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhotchili5 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Share Posted October 10, 2016 We should live together since we want to get married. He had his own place but I don't want to move in there because apparently that's were his ex was all the time. I think about that place I think of her, he told me he had a cleaning lady and a laundry lady and constantly ordered out, when really she was cleaning and cooking and doing his laundry since they've been together. Doesn't make sense for him to keep the place since he spends all his time here now and is actually in closer proximity to his son. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 TWO YEARS! - Think about this and you will have all the answers you need. Op, this statement is the crux of your situation. This was a long/protracted period of deceit. Not a brief affair. It was a lifestyle. The fact that he was able to do this for so long and did it so well, apparently, indicates that he's has not changed all of a sudden. He's an expert. If you accept his proposal and continue to let him live with you, he hasn't suffered any consequence of his actions. Yeah, now he's only got one woman but he still has a roof over his head and sex anytime he wants it. So, as long as there are no significant consequences, he's going to let things settle down and as soon as he feels that you've "let your guard down", he will likely go back to his old ways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 So basically what he wants is house slave. Thats what you are to him. While he rucks around. Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Op, this statement is the crux of your situation. This was a long/protracted period of deceit. Not a brief affair. It was a lifestyle. The fact that he was able to do this for so long and did it so well, apparently, indicates that he's has not changed all of a sudden. He's an expert. If you accept his proposal and continue to let him live with you, he hasn't suffered any consequence of his actions. Yeah, now he's only got one woman but he still has a roof over his head and sex anytime he wants it. So, as long as there are no significant consequences, he's going to let things settle down and as soon as he feels that you've "let your guard down", he will likely go back to his old ways. Well I think he has multiple women "standing by". Like fwb and ons lined up. Guys like him never have just one or two in rotation. They have one or two main chicks to live with and use as housewives maybe even to make babies with. And then multiple other chicks for random sex and as back up if one gf dumbs him. Then he can easily promote one side piece as main. I wouldnt be surprised if he even had different women for different things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I think you got the answer that you need from here. This is definitely your choice already. Hope you choose wisely, coz whatever your decision is, there's no going back. Praying for your happiness! Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 We should live together since we want to get married. He had his own place but I don't want to move in there because apparently that's were his ex was all the time. I think about that place I think of her, he told me he had a cleaning lady and a laundry lady and constantly ordered out, when really she was cleaning and cooking and doing his laundry since they've been together. Doesn't make sense for him to keep the place since he spends all his time here now and is actually in closer proximity to his son. I think about that place I think of her, he told me he had a cleaning lady and a laundry lady and constantly ordered out, when really she was cleaning and cooking and doing his laundry since they've been together. -- And, now you're switching roles with her and he's getting all the benefits of marriage anyway. He's basically being rewarded for bad behavior. It appears that you have made up your mind -- if you are religious, get each of you a St. Jude's medal -- he is the patron Saint of Lost Causes . . . All the best you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 We should live together since we want to get married. He had his own place but I don't want to move in there because apparently that's were his ex was all the time. I think about that place I think of her, he told me he had a cleaning lady and a laundry lady and constantly ordered out, when really she was cleaning and cooking and doing his laundry since they've been together. Doesn't make sense for him to keep the place since he spends all his time here now and is actually in closer proximity to his son. So you don't care that you were his secondary girlfriend for two years or that he's a cheating, lying scumbag. You only care about not living in an apartment where his ex, who he cheated on WITH YOU, spent a lot of time. So...much...face palm.... Why are you even entertaining the idea of marrying him??? He's probably already cheating on you!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Well it's kind of terrifying I am using the word terrifying because you never know after getting married to you, he might start doing the same thing again. I hope he will not do that, to be honest the way you said he called you 1000 times and did all these stuffs it all indicates he deserves a chance because there's no doubt that he loves you. ER ...no. That doesn't mean he loves her, that only means he was desperate to keep her around as his last slave and doormat, decided she was not staying around to be cheated on yet again.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 So you don't care that you were his secondary girlfriend for two years or that he's a cheating, lying scumbag. You only care about not living in an apartment where his ex, who he cheated on WITH YOU, spent a lot of time. So...much...face palm.... Why are you even entertaining the idea of marrying him??? He's probably already cheating on you!!! So you don't care that you were his secondary girlfriend for two years -- Second??? That wouldn't be a bad place to be in if it were the Miss America Pageant. In this situation, she's just at the bottom of the barrel and he's a bottom feeder. That is the level of respect he has for her and the ex and the level of respect she has for herself. This guy is going to walk all over her for as long as he possibly can -- why? Because she will continue to allow it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Hardest thing in relationship like this is to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) This guy is a narcissist and a con artist. He only cares about himself and no one else. He is a slimy dog and knows how to play the game. He knew how to break you down to let him back....you are to him, a home, a place to live, sex, food on the table, his laundry washed. He knows how to manipulate you into believing he deserves a second chance. Never go by what they tell you, you go by their actions. He cheated on you for 2 years...the whole time was able to lie to your face that you were the love of his life, that you were the only one...you are a damn fool not to see through all his BS. He doesn't regret hurting you, he regrets getting caught....see through those crocodile tears. I recommend you give yourself some space between you and him (NO CONTACT) for a few months to clear your head and think over your decision. Right now emotionally you are in no condition to do so....... Edited October 10, 2016 by smackie9 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 see through those crocodile tears -- He knows she's an emotional tampon and will soak up those tears at her own expense. What an amazing role model these parents will be for their children when they get to an age where they know the history. The boys will have no respect for women and the girls will accept disrespect and so the history will repeat itself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Even months of NC dont always do the trick. This type of guy will keep on trying and trying until the woman really shows him his place. Link to post Share on other sites
Nightwriter Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I'm not sure what else can be said here. A lot of good advice and the OP seemed to ignore it. She'll want to hear what she wants to hear and unfortunately is likely setting herself up again. I don't know how some guys have so much power over women but it is what it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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