Mess after Affair

[Mr. Lucky]

As for cake eating - that implies some sort of treat. This affair has been the most distressing and destructive thing I have ever done to the point I don't recognise myself anymore. The bad times outweigh the good. I wouldn't call it cake eating, I would call it stupid.

 

Actually, "cake eating" implies a selfish desire to hold on to something we may not even want while we try something else. I can tell you from experience, it's not much fun for the cake...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whatshappenedtome]

I don't think it is fun for anyone Mr Lucky

[Lion Heart]

Thank you for your replies and good advice.

 

Although difficult to read, it has been exactly what I needed to hear. I need tough words to enable me to make sense of the situation and my actions.

 

I think my head was in the clouds but I have certainly returned to Earth with a thud! I am lucky I still have the opportunity to work on my marriage and I am grateful for that.

 

We had an honest discussion last night. I know the affair was not down to anything other than something defective in me and I know I need help and counselling to overcome it. Reading the comments made me understand the hurt and anger my actions have caused and are causing and that is not something that sits comfortable. At all.

 

I don't think I have taken full responsibility for my actions either. I have been so wrapped up in myself that I haven't taken time to do this. I was more concerned about my own emotions and bypassed my h feelings.

 

Today, for the first time in a long time, my head feels clear - at least clearer than it was.

 

I am cutting contact with OM

 

I will work on my marriage and give it another try. (my h acknowledges his part and has given up drinking). I do believe we have something good to work on. I know I have to work on my defects to make it work too.

 

If it doesn't work out, then I will do the right thing and divorce. And if this happens, I will need to be single for some time.

 

As for cake eating - that implies some sort of treat. This affair has been the most distressing and destructive thing I have ever done to the point I don't recognise myself anymore. The bad times outweigh the good. I wouldn't call it cake eating, I would call it stupid.

 

You appear to be a very fast learner. I do want to congratulate you but ya know.... lol.

 

I congratulate your BH for giving up drinking!

He's RESPONDING to you.

That's really positive.

 

Reconciliation is NO SKIP through the meadow!

 

If you are BOTH DETERMINED to make it through, you will.

 

I believe for both partners in R, the affair or continued affair behaviours can be a re-erupting thing years later. Sometimes decades later.

 

That's why I wanted out.

 

I just couldn't waste any more of my life with the bs of it all. There was way more but it's all garbage lol.

 

Have you read the pinned article "What a Wayward Spouse needs to know to heal their M?"

Print this out and discuss this with BH.

 

There is so much help out their for R.

 

Eventually it only boils down to you two.

What you want. Knowing you may never have what YOU ALREADY HAVE in this M.

 

Some couples claim their M is even better after the A.

 

For me, no. All the trust was blown out of the water.

I didn't want to live with a H I couldn't trust.

Ever.

He had done alot of other garbage too. But nothing was NEARLY as destructive as his As.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart

[road]

Thank you for your replies and good advice.

 

Although difficult to read, it has been exactly what I needed to hear. I need tough words to enable me to make sense of the situation and my actions.

 

I think my head was in the clouds but I have certainly returned to Earth with a thud! I am lucky I still have the opportunity to work on my marriage and I am grateful for that.

 

We had an honest discussion last night. I know the affair was not down to anything other than something defective in me and I know I need help and counselling to overcome it. Reading the comments made me understand the hurt and anger my actions have caused and are causing and that is not something that sits comfortable. At all.

 

I don't think I have taken full responsibility for my actions either. I have been so wrapped up in myself that I haven't taken time to do this. I was more concerned about my own emotions and bypassed my h feelings.

 

Today, for the first time in a long time, my head feels clear - at least clearer than it was.

I am cutting contact with OM

 

I will work on my marriage and give it another try. (my h acknowledges his part and has given up drinking). I do believe we have something good to work on. I know I have to work on my defects to make it work too.

 

If it doesn't work out, then I will do the right thing and divorce. And if this happens, I will need to be single for some time.

 

As for cake eating - that implies some sort of treat. This affair has been the most distressing and destructive thing I have ever done to the point I don't recognise myself anymore. The bad times outweigh the good. I wouldn't call it cake eating, I would call it stupid.

 

 

Good that you are going NC with the OM.

 

 

Have you sent the NC letter?

Have you blocked the OM from all means of contacting you?

Have you gotten a new cell number?

Being the OM is a co-worker, have you left your job?

 

 

Talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I don't think I have taken full responsibility for my actions either. I have been so wrapped up in myself that I haven't taken time to do this. I was more concerned about my own emotions and bypassed my h feelings.

 

Today, for the first time in a long time, my head feels clear - at least clearer than it was.

 

I am cutting contact with OM

 

I will work on my marriage and give it another try. (my h acknowledges his part and has given up drinking). I do believe we have something good to work on. I know I have to work on my defects to make it work too.

 

If it doesn't work out, then I will do the right thing and divorce. And if this happens, I will need to be single for some time.

 

The first step to getting up is realizing that you are down. The above comments goes a long way to getting yourself back on the straight and narrow path to recovery. However, beware that OM will try to worm his way back into your life. You and your husband need to discuss and develop a plan on how to handle the situation. It is going to take a lot of work for both of you, but I wish you the best of luck.

[ChickiePops]

I don't think it is fun for anyone Mr Lucky

 

Oof..after your good post about learning and growing, this one smacks of self pity. Two steps forward, one step back I suppose.

 

You chose this. The pain you're feeling is self-inflicted. Your husband did not have any say in this whatsoever, and he appears to have owned up to his flaws. This post shows that you're not quite there yet.

 

It's not your fault that your husband drank..and it's not his fault that you had an affair. You're both responsible for your own actions. Whether or not it was fun for you doesn't matter.

[whatshappenedtome]

Thank you for your support everyone.

 

I have cut off contact from OM. He doesn't work with me anymore and he doesn't live very close either...it was text messaging.

 

It feels like a long road ahead but a positive one.

 

Chickie Pops - I think you misunderstood what I meant but I accept your judgement. Yes, I do have a long way to go, I've admitted I have not taken responsibility for my actions and I need help with overcoming my defects. I know the process I have to go through and I know it doesn't happen overnight. But admitting my mistakes is definitely the first step.

 

I did do this to myself. And right or wrong I am feeling sorry for myself. But I am also grateful for having the opportunity to put things right again. I am not a bad person, I am a person who made a terrible mistake and one I would never ever do again.

[ChickiePops]

Thank you for your support everyone.

 

I have cut off contact from OM. He doesn't work with me anymore and he doesn't live very close either...it was text messaging.

 

It feels like a long road ahead but a positive one.

 

Chickie Pops - I think you misunderstood what I meant but I accept your judgement. Yes, I do have a long way to go, I've admitted I have not taken responsibility for my actions and I need help with overcoming my defects. I know the process I have to go through and I know it doesn't happen overnight. But admitting my mistakes is definitely the first step.

 

I did do this to myself. And right or wrong I am feeling sorry for myself. But I am also grateful for having the opportunity to put things right again. I am not a bad person, I am a person who made a terrible mistake and one I would never ever do again.

 

I wish people would stop being so defensive and categorizing anyone who disagrees with them as judgmental.

 

I'm telling you what I personally read in your post. I saw ONLY self pity and zero empathy for the husband you betrayed in that post. It doesn't make me right, nor does it make me judgmental.

[wmacbride]

i did want to give you kudos for your recent realization.

 

If you and your H truly want to reconcile, it is possible, but it can be a long and bumpy road, with the time frame being years,not days or even months. There will be setbacks and times you might want to throw in the towel, not because you don't care about him, but because it's can be such a tough road.

 

Some people here were able to reconcile, while for others, divorce was the better option. I would advise you to give your marriage everything you've got, and that can take a long time. right now, and for the next while, your H may not be able to be "all in" as you have broken his trust and heart, and he may need to to see that he can trust you again before he allows himself to be vulnerable and open to you.

 

Give him time, be gentle with him, give him time and space to be hurt, angry etc. Be kind you yourself as well. Don't be surprised if he asks you the same things about your affair over and over. Be honest, and don't try to lie in an effort to keep from hurting him, and that hurts far worse than outright honesty.

 

Each day, ask him what he needs from you, and let him know what you need from him.

 

As I said, not every marriage can, or should reconcile, but if you both want it, your may well be one of the ones that can and should.

[JustJoe]

OP, I'm going to be the sticky wicket, here. I believe that you should begin immediately, the process of divorce.

There are many reasons why people who have been on both sides of the infidelity equation, attempt reconciliation. Fear of being alone. The kids well-being. Guilt, shame, affection for your spouse (notice I didn't say love). these are just a few, I'm sure posters can give others. One reason that is almost never mentioned is " I'm so in love with, and desire my spouse, above all others, that I cannot live without that person." Or, I know that I cannot love and desire any other person. Because you already know that these, the most important reasons for reconciliation, or being married to that particular spouse, simply aren't true, and can never again be true. If you are the WS, you HAVE loved and desired somebody else, and if you are the BS, you already know that you have been second place in your spouse's affections.

So where does that leave you?

People who reconcile are settling for less, and I don't think settling is a good thing. I know, I know that posters and counselors will say that sometimes the marriage is BETTER after the affair. Don't you believe this for a second. The reasons why people say this, is that they have accepted a sub-standard marriage, or in the case of counselors, to sell their services, or peddle their books and videos.

Nobody should settle for less than a good, honest, loving marriage , where each spouse is completely devoted to the other, and infidelity doesn't exist. Do the ground work , before you marry, and you might STAY married , the next time..

Edited October 10, 2016 by JustJoe

[ladydesigner]

OP, I'm going to be the sticky wicket, here. I believe that you should begin immediately, the process of divorce.

There are many reasons why people who have been on both sides of the infidelity equation, attempt reconciliation. Fear of being alone. The kids well-being. Guilt, shame, affection for your spouse (notice I didn't say love). these are just a few, I'm sure posters can give others. One reason that is almost never mentioned is " I'm so in love with, and desire my spouse, above all others, that I cannot live without that person." Or, I know that I cannot love and desire any other person. Because you already know that these, the most important reasons for reconciliation, or being married to that particular spouse, simply aren't true, and can never again be true. If you are the WS, you HAVE loved and desired somebody else, and if you are the BS, you already know that you have been second place in your spouse's affections.

So where does that leave you?

People who reconcile are settling for less, and I don't think settling is a good thing. I know, I know that posters and counselors will say that sometimes the marriage is BETTER after the affair. Don't you believe this for a second. The reasons why people say this, is that they have accepted a sub-standard marriage, or in the case of counselors, to sell their services, or peddle their books and videos.

Nobody should settle for less than a good, honest, loving marriage , where each spouse is completely devoted to the other, and infidelity doesn't exist. Do the ground work , before you marry, and you might STAY married , the next time..

 

I agree I think true Reconciliation is far and few between. It depends a lot on how quickly and remorseful a WS is post DDay and then having a patient BS. I am currently staying 'for the kids' as described above. I'm for sure not afraid to be alone I actually prefer it. I won't ever love my WH the wY I used to that ship sailed long ago.

[harrybrown]

if you want to help him, contact affair recovery.

 

You can find them online.

 

one thing that helps your H-

 

writing a timeline and diary of the A, so that he is not the victim of trickle truth.

 

Getting tested for stds, DNA the kids, / Actions are louder than words, because you lied. Words do not mean much.

 

If you stop protecting the OM and out the OM for the A, and put your H ahead of the OM. This helps to show that your loyalties are changing from the OM to your H.

 

Hope you can help him, before it is too late.

 

If you did wild things for your OM that you have never done for your H-

 

Ouch!. See if it would help or not.

 

Good luck to your family. It will take years for trust to return.

 

Let your H see your phone without hassle.

do you have kids? hope not under the circumstances.

 

and please keep the NC when the OM tries to return. that is why you need to out him to his SO.

[Mr. Lucky]

People who reconcile are settling for less, and I don't think settling is a good thing. I know, I know that posters and counselors will say that sometimes the marriage is BETTER after the affair. Don't you believe this for a second. The reasons why people say this, is that they have accepted a sub-standard marriage, or in the case of counselors, to sell their services, or peddle their books and videos.

Nobody should settle for less than a good, honest, loving marriage , where each spouse is completely devoted to the other, and infidelity doesn't exist. Do the ground work , before you marry, and you might STAY married , the next time..

 

I wonder if you're not setting the bar higher for reconciled marriages than for those where infidelity never occurred ???

 

No, you won't have a perfect marriage even if both the WS and BS do all the incredibly hard work post D-Day. But how many perfect marriages exist regardless?

 

Committed spouses can survive an affair and prosper afterwards. But it takes an appreciation of family and shared history, both of them with their heads in the game and focused on the same goals and a willingness to be vulnerable when you've just been hurt. Not an easy ask but doable...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

To add to what Lucky said I know that it can work out.

 

If my wife and I can be where we are at, then anyone can rebuild their marriage. We have both done terrible things but we are moving forward and I actually feel hopeful.

 

You can to, but you have to put the work in and love your husband more than you thought possible. Love is a choice in many respects like an affair is a choice.

 

I suggest you choose love, because if it works out, your marriage can be better than it was.

[smackie9]

From what I have witness through close friends and their infidelity in their marriages, they were much better off in the relationship in the aftermath. It brought all the issues in their marriage to light, and they were able to see where it all went wrong. It brought them closer than ever and they were better for it. So if you both feel this is worth trying to save, then go for it. Counseling with a therapist is a MUST. You cannot do this on your own, there is way too much pain and emotions involved. Things seem like a mess now but it will lighten up in time, and you both can get started on your journey.

[JustJoe]

I wonder if you're not setting the bar higher for reconciled marriages than for those where infidelity never occurred ???

 

No, you won't have a perfect marriage even if both the WS and BS do all the incredibly hard work post D-Day. But how many perfect marriages exist regardless?

 

Committed spouses can survive an affair and prosper afterwards. But it takes an appreciation of family and shared history, both of them with their heads in the game and focused on the same goals and a willingness to be vulnerable when you've just been hurt. Not an easy ask but doable...

 

Mr. Lucky

No. Lucky, I don't think I am. I don't believe that any marriage is "perfect".....but.. there are criteria that are necessary for a "good" marriage. To be a good marriage, your spouse must be first, last and only, in your bed, heart and mind. This is simply not possible after an affair.

How can you be first in your WS's heart, when he/she has already let somebody else take that spot away from you? This is why I also believe that a lot of BS's suffer from very low self esteem. The WS has made them plan B, so they are willing to eat **** sandwiches, but I also bet that deep inside, most of them hate it and themselves for settling for it.

You talk a lot about "commitment" and survival and such, but is that all there is? Why settle for survival, why not try for bliss, instead?

[JustJoe]

To add to what Lucky said I know that it can work out.

 

If my wife and I can be where we are at, then anyone can rebuild their marriage. We have both done terrible things but we are moving forward and I actually feel hopeful.

 

You can to, but you have to put the work in and love your husband more than you thought possible. Love is a choice in many respects like an affair is a choice.

 

I suggest you choose love, because if it works out, your marriage can be better than it was.

Your opinion is yours, and my opinion is mine. I respect your point of view, even though I don't agree with it. Love can be defined in millions of different ways, including the love of one cheater for another. Personally, I wouldn't put too much stock in that word.

And, rather than work to rebuild a broken marriage, and being hopeful, I would much rather do the work before, build a new and better marriage and be blissful.

[JustJoe]

From what I have witness through close friends and their infidelity in their marriages, they were much better off in the relationship in the aftermath. It brought all the issues in their marriage to light, and they were able to see where it all went wrong. It brought them closer than ever and they were better for it. So if you both feel this is worth trying to save, then go for it. Counseling with a therapist is a MUST. You cannot do this on your own, there is way too much pain and emotions involved. Things seem like a mess now but it will lighten up in time, and you both can get started on your journey.

I don't believe this for a second. If this is true, then everybody should have affairs, because everybody has marital problems. Sorry but the idea that an affair brings marital problems to light is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure that if these people are rational adults, they are pretty much aware of the problems in their marriage. Infidelity only makes a bad situation, worse.

[JustJoe]

I agree I think true Reconciliation is far and few between. It depends a lot on how quickly and remorseful a WS is post DDay and then having a patient BS. I am currently staying 'for the kids' as described above. I'm for sure not afraid to be alone I actually prefer it. I won't ever love my WH the wY I used to that ship sailed long ago.

Good Luck to you. You will do well.

[whatshappenedtome]

Its an interesting debate about whether a marriage will work after the affair.

 

For years I have been the wife of a problem drinker. I loved everything about my husband, and still do, he is a beautiful person. I was able to separate the person from the problem. My husband on too many occasions chose drink over me, it wasn't because he didn't love me, but because he had a problem. I went to Al Anon and did the 12 step programme. I put everything into my marriage by trying to make it work, even when people told me to leave.

 

One of the things Al Anon teach you is to detach with love. Unfortunately I came to a point where i detached completely, and without realising it.

 

Now I am the one with the problem, I had an affair. It is not because I didn't love my husband but because I acted selfishly and put my own needs first, just like an alcoholic.

 

When my husband found out about my affair, one of the first things he said was, you have been telling me for years what you needed and I didn't listen.

 

I am not excusing my poor behaviour by this. I had a choice and i chose badly and now am seeking to make amends.

 

However, for the first time ever in our relationship, we are working together to sort these problems out. Not just one of us but both of us. I feel we have more hope than we ever did before.

[purplesorrow]

No. Lucky, I don't think I am. I don't believe that any marriage is "perfect".....but.. there are criteria that are necessary for a "good" marriage. To be a good marriage, your spouse must be first, last and only, in your bed, heart and mind. This is simply not possible after an affair.

How can you be first in your WS's heart, when he/she has already let somebody else take that spot away from you? This is why I also believe that a lot of BS's suffer from very low self esteem. The WS has made them plan B, so they are willing to eat **** sandwiches, but I also bet that deep inside, most of them hate it and themselves for settling for it.

You talk a lot about "commitment" and survival and such, but is that all there is? Why settle for survival, why not try for bliss, instead?

 

How is a marriage that began in infidelity any better?

[wmacbride]

OP, I'm going to be the sticky wicket, here. I believe that you should begin immediately, the process of divorce.

There are many reasons why people who have been on both sides of the infidelity equation, attempt reconciliation. Fear of being alone. The kids well-being. Guilt, shame, affection for your spouse (notice I didn't say love). these are just a few, I'm sure posters can give others. One reason that is almost never mentioned is " I'm so in love with, and desire my spouse, above all others, that I cannot live without that person." Or, I know that I cannot love and desire any other person. Because you already know that these, the most important reasons for reconciliation, or being married to that particular spouse, simply aren't true, and can never again be true. If you are the WS, you HAVE loved and desired somebody else, and if you are the BS, you already know that you have been second place in your spouse's affections.

So where does that leave you?

People who reconcile are settling for less, and I don't think settling is a good thing. I know, I know that posters and counselors will say that sometimes the marriage is BETTER after the affair. Don't you believe this for a second. The reasons why people say this, is that they have accepted a sub-standard marriage, or in the case of counselors, to sell their services, or peddle their books and videos.

Nobody should settle for less than a good, honest, loving marriage , where each spouse is completely devoted to the other, and infidelity doesn't exist. Do the ground work , before you marry, and you might STAY married , the next time..

 

Sorry, but I don't agree, and no offense, you are painting with a very broad brush.

[wmacbride]

How is a marriage that began in infidelity any better?

That is a really good question.

 

Both the mw/mm and ow/om have shown that , at that point in time principles such as honesty, integrity, and the ability to empathize were at a very low ebb for them ( please note, I am not saying they aren't there).

 

How can either spouse in an affair based marriage ever really be able to trust their husband or wife not to fall back into old behavior patterns?

 

One way is by engaging in a lot of introspection, getting counseling, etc., which is extremely similar to what a reconciling marriage goes through.

 

In my opinion, saying " we love each other" is not enough of a basis for a long term and happy marriage. there is so much more...

 

things like empathy, forgiveness, grace, kindness, honesty, humor and so much more are equally important.

 

Op, if you and your spouse still have those things, you may have a foundation to build on. It's going to take time and patience on both your parts, and also a lot of grace.

[smackie9]

I don't believe this for a second. If this is true, then everybody should have affairs, because everybody has marital problems. Sorry but the idea that an affair brings marital problems to light is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure that if these people are rational adults, they are pretty much aware of the problems in their marriage. Infidelity only makes a bad situation, worse.

To error is to be human. Most doesn't wakeup one morning and say to themselves "I'm going to cheat and have an affair".

 

Sorry but life is life, and there are those who deal with their issues differently. I'm not condoning affairs, all I'm saying it's different for everyone. Some forgive, and fix what may have been broken. You can doubt me all you want but my friends who went through it are very happily married and stayed faithful.

 

Me personally I couldn't forgive either, but it doesn't mean it has to be that way with everyone else. It is not as cut and dry as you think.

 

Problems in their marriage? not necessarily. One may see an issue while the other does not...it's because of the lack of communication. It happens.

[howtoproceed]

I am cutting contact with OM

 

I will work on my marriage and give it another try. (my h acknowledges his part and has given up drinking). I do believe we have something good to work on. I know I have to work on my defects to make it work too.

 

I'm 18 months out from D-Day and the WW affair is still very much part of my life, although she has moved on. My prediction is that 18 months from now, you will have moved on from your affair but your husband won't trust you, will be checking up on you and will continue to harbor a deep resentment. I know my personal fantasy is to win my wife back heart and soul and once I'm sure of it, pack my bags and leave, let her worry about the mortgage, insurance, the kid's dental appointments, all that crap. You've done more damage then you probably realize and though you may be done with the past, the past hasn't even started on you.