Mess after Affair

[Mr. Lucky]

I know my personal fantasy is to win my wife back heart and soul and once I'm sure of it, pack my bags and leave, let her worry about the mortgage, insurance, the kid's dental appointments, all that crap.

 

If that's how you feel, why not leave now? Why wait until you win back her "heart and soul"?

 

Not sure how hurting her improves your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Dude you just need to let her go.

 

You are not 18 months post anything, she is still sleeping with him.

 

Why don't you, for the love of everything holy, just get out or kick her out. You fantasy will never come true because she is still having the affair.

 

I know that you understand that.

[drifter777]

Hi, I am new to this forum and would appreciate a listening ear.

 

I have been married for 14 years. I have recently had an affair, I can't quite believe I would do something like that, but I did.

 

When I first met the OM (at work), I felt something I had never felt before and it knocked me for six. I ignored the feelings but each work encounter made them grow. I was so aware of my feelings that I ignored him completely and he thought I didn't like him at all. After knowing him for just a month, he had a leaving party and went on to move somewhere else. I didn't attend his party but I did message to wish him well - and that was the start of it. All of our feelings were revealed there and then.

 

The messaging continued for months. i justified it being safe behind a phone but in reality the emotional attachment grew and it gave me time and space to make a decision on whether to act on my feelings. Sadly I did. We met up for weekends, and they were wonderful. He gave me something that I felt I lacked in such a long time.

 

At this time, I knew I had the problem and sought counselling, which didn't help me define a clear path.

 

My husband found out and was devastated. Witnessing his pain was excruciating, I will never forget the look on his face and it still brings tears to my eyes. I had turned his life upside down. He felt so secure and I pulled the rug from beneath his feet. He couldn't sleep, he lost weight. My best friend was hurting and I was the cause and couldn't make it better for him.

 

Now he needs me more than ever and I am so lost I cannot give him the support and reassurance he needs. He has never ever been 'needy' but this is showing a different side to him, a vulnerable side. He says I am blowing hot and cold but I am trying to work out my feelings and get my head around what has happened. I have tried to be honest with him and suggested some time apart but he said if that is the case then it will be over and looks incredibly hurt. I agreed to some more counselling and this is also why I am here. I need to do everything I can to sort myself out and to not make a decision I will later regret.

 

You see, I am not sure if I am 'in love' with my husband anymore. I love him dearly like a brother or a best friend and would be devastated if he wasn't in my life anymore but the romantic love has gone or deeply buried inside me. My husband was a bit of a drinker and the embarrassing stories have been endless. This has chipped away at me over the years to the point I have completely detached. The OM brought a sense of hope for the future. He doesn't drink at all and that was one of the major things I liked about him - although I am aware he has faults in other areas.

 

I feel like I am in love with the OM and if I give him up then I give up hope for the future. My feelings for him are very strong. I am trying to ascertain what is real and fake and I just feel a confused mess. I know I have to be fair and make a decision fast. I need help.

 

Please do the right thing for both of you and divorce. I do judge you harshly for not doing this before you started screwing OM but that's water under the bridge now. You both deserve a better life so end the marriage and move on. It doesn't sound as though your husband has the strength right now to do what's best for him so it's up to you. If you ever loved this man - let him be free to heal and love again.

[planning4later]

He deserves someone who doesn't resent him, and I deserve someone who puts me first.

 

Every woman I've ever heard say this wasn't willing to do the same for her husband. So let me get this straight...a man must put his wife first, and a wife must merely "not resent" her husband? Wow, that's quite a task.

 

No offense but my ex wife was the same way. She expected me to put her first in everything but didn't feel it was necessary to do the same. Why? Because that's just what a woman does--reap the rewards of a man's labor and energy and contribute nothing of value in return, save a few rounds of sex every month...reluctantly.

[whatshappenedtome]

I'm 18 months out from D-Day and the WW affair is still very much part of my life, although she has moved on. My prediction is that 18 months from now, you will have moved on from your affair but your husband won't trust you, will be checking up on you and will continue to harbor a deep resentment. I know my personal fantasy is to win my wife back heart and soul and once I'm sure of it, pack my bags and leave, let her worry about the mortgage, insurance, the kid's dental appointments, all that crap. You've done more damage then you probably realize and though you may be done with the past, the past hasn't even started on you.

 

Why don't you leave now? Why wait and cause more destruction to yourself and your wife?

 

I do look at my H and wonder is the damage can be repaired. I wonder whether he will ever relax and trust me again. I wonder whether he will walk once he feels stronger and I wouldn't blame him if he did. However, I would rather split up now though than live with him harbouring a deep resentment, plotting his revenge - that is not healthy for anyone.

 

We don't have children so there is nothing to keep us together and being single does not scare me but we are both willing to try to make it work. I am very grateful to have that opportunity and my husband has behaved in a way that makes him a admirable human being. I now need to re-learn how to be one.

[ladydesigner]

From what I have witness through close friends and their infidelity in their marriages, they were much better off in the relationship in the aftermath. It brought all the issues in their marriage to light, and they were able to see where it all went wrong. It brought them closer than ever and they were better for it. So if you both feel this is worth trying to save, then go for it. Counseling with a therapist is a MUST. You cannot do this on your own, there is way too much pain and emotions involved. Things seem like a mess now but it will lighten up in time, and you both can get started on your journey.

 

My WH's infidelity brought so many of his issues to light there is no way I can truly R with him. I'm not going to defend why I won't divorce yet, but you can't REALLY reconcile with an NPD.

[wmacbride]

Every woman I've ever heard say this wasn't willing to do the same for her husband. So let me get this straight...a man must put his wife first, and a wife must merely "not resent" her husband? Wow, that's quite a task.

 

No offense but my ex wife was the same way. She expected me to put her first in everything but didn't feel it was necessary to do the same. Why? Because that's just what a woman does--reap the rewards of a man's labor and energy and contribute nothing of value in return, save a few rounds of sex every month...reluctantly.

 

I find what you said very offensive, and worse, untrue.

What you say may be true of your ex-wife, and for that I am sorry.She shouldn't have treated you that way.

 

That being said, I would caution you against assuming all women are like that, as the vast majority are not.

[howtoproceed]

@ladydesigner

 

I'm not going to defend why I won't divorce yet, but you can't REALLY reconcile with an NPD.

 

I don't think a BS has to defend the decision to divorce, not divorce or wait until he or she gets all their ducks in a row and THEN divorce. For example, I'm working one full-time job and one part-time job. I think I could cut that down to just the FT job or keep both and find a nice studio nearby. Perhaps I'll look into working in another state, like Alaska or Florida. If anything good is emerging from all this it's that I feel I have options that I never had before. Maybe there is an element of revenge in that but who cares.

 

But I will defend my decision to not divorce. I have two kids and in a divorce, if I took my half and my wife took her half, I just wonder if the house would be there for them. As far as who moves out and who gets to stay, in my case my wife should stay because she is actually a very loving mom and my daughters love her.

[ChickiePops]

Every woman I've ever heard say this wasn't willing to do the same for her husband. So let me get this straight...a man must put his wife first, and a wife must merely "not resent" her husband? Wow, that's quite a task.

 

No offense but my ex wife was the same way. She expected me to put her first in everything but didn't feel it was necessary to do the same. Why? Because that's just what a woman does--reap the rewards of a man's labor and energy and contribute nothing of value in return, save a few rounds of sex every month...reluctantly.

 

You clearly deliberately misunderstood what that poster was saying just to get a dig at women in.

[Birdies]

Every woman I've ever heard say this wasn't willing to do the same for her husband. So let me get this straight...a man must put his wife first, and a wife must merely "not resent" her husband? Wow, that's quite a task.

 

No offense but my ex wife was the same way. She expected me to put her first in everything but didn't feel it was necessary to do the same. Why? Because that's just what a woman does--reap the rewards of a man's labor and energy and contribute nothing of value in return, save a few rounds of sex every month...reluctantly.

 

Are you for real? "That's just what a woman does"??? A) You don't know a damn thing about me bending over backwards for 15 years to take care of and put first my husband in every way possible, and B) I hope you're in therapy because your marriage / divorce has obviously done lasting damage to the way that you think about 50% of the human population. Truly - I hope you can fix that. It must be a terrible way to live.

 

(Ps - I am in no way trying to justify my affair. It was wrong, selfish, cruel in every way and I will regret hurting my husband forever. But that in and of itself does not eliminate the 15 years in which I worked my ass off trying to be a great partner to him. I am grateful to him for recognizing that.)

Edited October 12, 2016 by Birdies

[harrybrown]

Why don't you leave now? Why wait and cause more destruction to yourself and your wife?

 

I do look at my H and wonder is the damage can be repaired. I wonder whether he will ever relax and trust me again. I wonder whether he will walk once he feels stronger and I wouldn't blame him if he did. However, I would rather split up now though than live with him harbouring a deep resentment, plotting his revenge - that is not healthy for anyone.

 

We don't have children so there is nothing to keep us together and being single does not scare me but we are both willing to try to make it work. I am very grateful to have that opportunity and my husband has behaved in a way that makes him a admirable human being. I now need to re-learn how to be one.

 

 

If you could feel remorse for your H, that would be a good idea.

 

think long and hard about someone you care about cheating on you. Maybe the OM, since you do not seem to care much about your H.

 

but think about the anger, the loss of self esteem for the way a cheater lies and cheats on someone that you are supposed to love.

 

so if you could have empathy for him and if you can't find the way to try to help him heal, at least get him to affair recovery. participate with him in the sessions. Then tell him you think it best to split because you feel like cheating on him again, because you never did respect him as a human being.

 

I do hope you think about how it feels to have someone who is supposed to have your back lie and cheat on you.

 

It blows up your whole world.

[whatshappenedtome]

If you could feel remorse for your H, that would be a good idea.

 

think long and hard about someone you care about cheating on you. Maybe the OM, since you do not seem to care much about your H.

 

but think about the anger, the loss of self esteem for the way a cheater lies and cheats on someone that you are supposed to love.

 

so if you could have empathy for him and if you can't find the way to try to help him heal, at least get him to affair recovery. participate with him in the sessions. Then tell him you think it best to split because you feel like cheating on him again, because you never did respect him as a human being.

 

I do hope you think about how it feels to have someone who is supposed to have your back lie and cheat on you.

 

It blows up your whole world.

 

I can see first hand how it has blown my H world. I have know him 26 years and he is a changed man. I know I am the cause of that and it deeply saddens me. When I had the A I didn't think of the consequences and seeing my H in so much pain is the worst thing imaginable. I should have done the right thing at the start, I should have been strong, I should have dealt with my problems instead of taking comfort elsewhere. But I didn't and I will regret that, whether I am with my H or not, for the rest of my life.

 

I do know those feelings of anger, loss of self esteem, sadness, feeling let down, resentful. Anyone being married to someone with a drinking problem knows these feelings too well. The last time my H had an episode, I said I was done. But what makes me a disgusting human being is that I should have split with him there and then and not start messaging another person.

 

I can only hope we can recover, however it feels like we are climbing a mountain. I am so angry with myself for being so stupid... but you are right, I have to be there for my H now and make sure he recovers and move on...with or without me.

[Buckeye2]

I do know those feelings of anger, loss of self esteem, sadness, feeling let down, resentful. Anyone being married to someone with a drinking problem knows these feelings too well. The last time my H had an episode, I said I was done. But what makes me a disgusting human being is that I should have split with him there and then and not start messaging another person.

 

Everyone wants to be a good person. Your conscience is also clearer when you’re the victim. If you had left your husband after years of dealing with his alcoholism you would have been the good guy and victim. Your affair tipped the scales. It made your husband into a huge victim and you into the bad guy. I think that your primary motivation is to remedy that as much as you can.

 

But I didn't and I will regret that, whether I am with my H or not, for the rest of my life.

Edited October 13, 2016 by Buckeye2

[JustJoe]

How is a marriage that began in infidelity any better?

How so? She has not been unfaithful to me and I have not been unfaithful to her. The infidelity was before our relationship became a romantic one. We did not get together , as a couple, until after she had left her husband , permanently.

[JustJoe]

Sorry, but I don't agree, and no offense, you are painting with a very broad brush.

None taken. I maintain that you HAVE to paint with a broad brush, because there are so many different scenerios possible.

[JustJoe]

To error is to be human. Most doesn't wakeup one morning and say to themselves "I'm going to cheat and have an affair".

 

Sorry but life is life, and there are those who deal with their issues differently. I'm not condoning affairs, all I'm saying it's different for everyone. Some forgive, and fix what may have been broken. You can doubt me all you want but my friends who went through it are very happily married and stayed faithful.

 

Me personally I couldn't forgive either, but it doesn't mean it has to be that way with everyone else. It is not as cut and dry as you think.

 

Problems in their marriage? not necessarily. One may see an issue while the other does not...it's because of the lack of communication. It happens.

Sorry, Smackie, but you were the one who brought up problems in the marriage being brought to light by the affair, I was just answering you. I can see your point, but I still don't believe that it is possible to have a complete and untrammeled marriage, after an affair. The baggage load will always be a handicap. The 700-lb Gorilla in the corner.

[JustJoe]

Every woman I've ever heard say this wasn't willing to do the same for her husband. So let me get this straight...a man must put his wife first, and a wife must merely "not resent" her husband? Wow, that's quite a task.

 

No offense but my ex wife was the same way. She expected me to put her first in everything but didn't feel it was necessary to do the same. Why? Because that's just what a woman does--reap the rewards of a man's labor and energy and contribute nothing of value in return, save a few rounds of sex every month...reluctantly.

Sorry, but this is a very narrow-minded and sexist thing to say.

[40somethingGuy]

Hi, I am new to this forum and would appreciate a listening ear.

 

I have been married for 14 years. I have recently had an affair, I can't quite believe I would do something like that, but I did.

 

When I first met the OM (at work), I felt something I had never felt before and it knocked me for six. I ignored the feelings but each work encounter made them grow. I was so aware of my feelings that I ignored him completely and he thought I didn't like him at all. After knowing him for just a month, he had a leaving party and went on to move somewhere else. I didn't attend his party but I did message to wish him well - and that was the start of it. All of our feelings were revealed there and then.

 

The messaging continued for months. i justified it being safe behind a phone but in reality the emotional attachment grew and it gave me time and space to make a decision on whether to act on my feelings. Sadly I did. We met up for weekends, and they were wonderful. He gave me something that I felt I lacked in such a long time.

 

At this time, I knew I had the problem and sought counselling, which didn't help me define a clear path.

 

My husband found out and was devastated. Witnessing his pain was excruciating, I will never forget the look on his face and it still brings tears to my eyes. I had turned his life upside down. He felt so secure and I pulled the rug from beneath his feet. He couldn't sleep, he lost weight. My best friend was hurting and I was the cause and couldn't make it better for him.

 

Now he needs me more than ever and I am so lost I cannot give him the support and reassurance he needs. He has never ever been 'needy' but this is showing a different side to him, a vulnerable side. He says I am blowing hot and cold but I am trying to work out my feelings and get my head around what has happened. I have tried to be honest with him and suggested some time apart but he said if that is the case then it will be over and looks incredibly hurt. I agreed to some more counselling and this is also why I am here. I need to do everything I can to sort myself out and to not make a decision I will later regret.

 

You see, I am not sure if I am 'in love' with my husband anymore. I love him dearly like a brother or a best friend and would be devastated if he wasn't in my life anymore but the romantic love has gone or deeply buried inside me. My husband was a bit of a drinker and the embarrassing stories have been endless. This has chipped away at me over the years to the point I have completely detached. The OM brought a sense of hope for the future. He doesn't drink at all and that was one of the major things I liked about him - although I am aware he has faults in other areas.

 

I feel like I am in love with the OM and if I give him up then I give up hope for the future. My feelings for him are very strong. I am trying to ascertain what is real and fake and I just feel a confused mess. I know I have to be fair and make a decision fast. I need help.

 

When I caught my wife cheating, she collapsed and later told me that she was certain I would launch her and she immediately had the 'don't know what you got til its gone' feeling. Ask yourself this- if your hubby just up and said, 'we are done. You violated me and hurt me worse than anyone in this world ever has. Of all the people that could wrong me, the person I trusted and loved the most hurt me by far the most. We are done' would you start to feel the 'in love' eventually? Women tend to want what they can't have. How will you feel when you see him trade up and begin to sexually engage with a more attractive woman? You get the guy (is he married already) that preys on married women and get to be his future victim and your husband gets to trade up and learn from his past and get a woman who is better for him. How will you handle that?

[40somethingGuy]

Thank you for your support everyone.

 

I have cut off contact from OM. He doesn't work with me anymore and he doesn't live very close either...it was text messaging.

 

It feels like a long road ahead but a positive one.

 

Chickie Pops - I think you misunderstood what I meant but I accept your judgement. Yes, I do have a long way to go, I've admitted I have not taken responsibility for my actions and I need help with overcoming my defects. I know the process I have to go through and I know it doesn't happen overnight. But admitting my mistakes is definitely the first step.

 

I did do this to myself. And right or wrong I am feeling sorry for myself. But I am also grateful for having the opportunity to put things right again. I am not a bad person, I am a person who made a terrible mistake and one I would never ever do again.

 

I ask you this because your case is similar to mine. Can I ask if you ever had sex with him? You said it was text messaging. Did you send nude and/or sexual photos like 'cyber sex?' Curious as to how far this went even though it is obvious too far.

[whatshappenedtome]

When I caught my wife cheating, she collapsed and later told me that she was certain I would launch her and she immediately had the 'don't know what you got til its gone' feeling. Ask yourself this- if your hubby just up and said, 'we are done. You violated me and hurt me worse than anyone in this world ever has. Of all the people that could wrong me, the person I trusted and loved the most hurt me by far the most. We are done' would you start to feel the 'in love' eventually? Women tend to want what they can't have. How will you feel when you see him trade up and begin to sexually engage with a more attractive woman? You get the guy (is he married already) that preys on married women and get to be his future victim and your husband gets to trade up and learn from his past and get a woman who is better for him. How will you handle that?

 

I have thought about this at length. At the moment my thoughts and feelings are all over the place and I can't work anything out. I just feel I need time out away from my H, away from the OM and just to work out what happened. How did my life take a such a nose dive? My H is going through the angry stage and boy was he angry yesterday - throwing all my clothes into a suitcase then booking a holiday away. At the moment, I am happiest on my own. I do worry that if I remain like this for too long, I will lose him and I will regret it. I just feel paralysed and I am continuing to act selfishly by not being what he needs me to be. I did mention a trial separation but this is what prompted the suitcase anger. I do really care for him, I hate seeing him so upset, it breaks me. I hit the jackpot with my H, he is such a wonderful man in every aspect but I am missing something and it is killing me.

[elaine567]

I hit the jackpot with my H, he is such a wonderful man in every aspect but I am missing something and it is killing me.

 

Then you have to let him go.

It is so obvious to me that you don't really want your husband any more but you do not want to hurt him either nor are you willing to take the massive step to get out as it scares you.

There is also a bit of the sunk cost fallacy trap involved here. YOU have invested so much in your husband over the years that you do not want to let go, even when you know he is not what you want.

 

You blow hot and cold because one minute you feel you OWE it to him to be the loving remorseful wife and the next moment you really do not like him that much for the hell he put you through with his drinking and because you do not really want him deep down.

 

You are conflicted hence the hot and cold and you are feeling stifled too by his "love"

- you just want to get away.

Frankly I guess you would have been a lot happier if he had just said "Its over", as that would mean you are free, and you would not have to make any gut wrenching decisions.

As it is, the ball is in your court, because as he is still sticking around.

Angry yes, upset yes, but still there making you feel guilty and dare I say it "trapped".

You want to be free to pursue happiness with your OM or even someone else in the future maybe, and you don't want to stand by "nurse-maiding" your husband through his pain and sorrow, as your heart is just not in it.

 

In relationships there are always winners and losers.

If we forget the affair, forget the rights and wrongs of what you did, what this boils down to is a marriage you wanted to get away from, and so your husband's "love" is thus immaterial.

No-one really should stay in a relationship just so that they do not hurt the other person and that is what I feel you would be doing here.

Yes, he will hurt for a while if you divorce, but he will heal, but if you keep him tied up in "luke warm", hot and cold marriage, I guess he will hurt a whole lot more.

[40somethingGuy]

I have thought about this at length. At the moment my thoughts and feelings are all over the place and I can't work anything out. I just feel I need time out away from my H, away from the OM and just to work out what happened. How did my life take a such a nose dive? My H is going through the angry stage and boy was he angry yesterday - throwing all my clothes into a suitcase then booking a holiday away. At the moment, I am happiest on my own. I do worry that if I remain like this for too long, I will lose him and I will regret it. I just feel paralysed and I am continuing to act selfishly by not being what he needs me to be. I did mention a trial separation but this is what prompted the suitcase anger. I do really care for him, I hate seeing him so upset, it breaks me. I hit the jackpot with my H, he is such a wonderful man in every aspect but I am missing something and it is killing me.

Given that I basically am/was in your husband's shoes, I can about guarantee that he is struggling with understanding his new reality. He is trying to wake from this nightmare. He needs to know how much of your 26 years was legit and what was a lie? Are you just staying for your convenience financially or do you still value him? He needs you to express 1000% support that even when he has bad days that you will be ready to take the anger knowing you are the cause of it. He needs to know that you HAVE the 'don't know what you got until its gone.' He needs to find ways to trust you again and you basically giving up your privacy for now is the only way to do that. Over time, he will likely find that snooping on you wont help him in the long term getting back to normal but it is what he will need in the short term. You really need to let him know that you are committed to him and how you hate the thought of losing him. Let him know that you are there for him but the future is his call. If he can't look at you the same again then if he wants to file then you need to give him the best deal possible. Divorce laws are BS and in most states infidelity wont factor. So, usually the man gets to pay the woman a lot of money because they let their feelings stray and do the immoral. Really crappy deal. I promise these are all things he is thinking about. Do MC and if he is brutally honest in his feelings you got to sit there and take it like a quarterback about to get sacked. This is what you risked and you got caught. Too bad for you and know that it is still so much better to be on your end than his. This pain will certainly always be there but his healing will not progress on your timeline and you need to know that.

[howtoproceed]

He'll be angry for quite a while to come - count on it. He may also be needy and have an incredible sexual appetite for you. If you are serious about reconciling, you should encourage this hysterical bonding.

 

He's probably also experiencing mind-movies. My D-Day was the discovery of graphic texts that more or less detailed all the things my wife did and these would come back as embellished movies, after which I could fly into a rage but mostly it was directed at the OM.

 

Basically he's totally mind ****ed right now, he knows it and he's identified you as the cause.

[40somethingGuy]

He'll be angry for quite a while to come - count on it. He may also be needy and have an incredible sexual appetite for you. If you are serious about reconciling, you should encourage this hysterical bonding.

 

He's probably also experiencing mind-movies. My D-Day was the discovery of graphic texts that more or less detailed all the things my wife did and these would come back as embellished movies, after which I could fly into a rage but mostly it was directed at the OM.

 

Basically he's totally mind ****ed right now, he knows it and he's identified you as the cause.

This is spot on.

[Jersey born raised]

I am not sure how to reapond to you. Are you looking to reconcile or to get out of limbo? I've been following several threads here by WS. They speak of wanting to reconcile and I have offered them advice on how to proceed. Yet the bitter truth is they don't, they are in limbo. If I could speak to their BS I would tell them to get out. To accept the marriage is over, detach and move on. I would urge them to own their faults and fix them. To find someome eise and become the husband that a BS become for his new wife. This is what she said:

 

Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS*

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

___________________________________________________________

 

BS be this person. *

 

Forgive the all the * I have no idea why notepad puts them in.