Mess after Affair

[Jersey born raised]

Bottom line you need to choose and fight for that choice.

[Cephalopod]

Are you willing to play the long game with your husband? By that I mean, back when you married him how long did you plan to stay married to him? Until death? 50 years? 35 years?

 

Are the resentments you have too much for you to at least bite the bullet and work with him for the next couple of years in counseling to deal with the mistakes that both you and he made? You tell us he is trying. I think he is worth a shot if you can just get past your impatience.

 

You say you you are missing something. I say you are still feeling the residual emotions from your affair. You had to detach from your husband and attach to the other man. Now, you are having to re-attach to him but those old resentments are slowing you down from that re-attachment. From where I sit here, I don't see anything that is not solvable between you two if you would both just drop your resistance to change and work the problems. There is a very good chance you may not be able to get back all that you lost with him, but that doesn't mean that you cannot gain more back than what you lost if the two of you just try!

 

My grandmother and grandfather were married 63 years before my grandmother died. When granddad followed her a couple years later I heard some shocking information from one of my aunts. She told us that my grandparents actually split up for about two years back in the 1950s. Both had affairs and they came within a hair's breadth of divorcing. But they got back together and decided to work on the marriage and push through. They stayed together for over four more decades.

 

Now when I was a kid growing up in the 1970s, I looked up at them and saw nothing but a united team. They were so in sync with each other. They were like one person. The love between them was palpable.

 

I wonder what would have happened if they had thrown in the towel all those long years ago?

 

I think what it came down to is that they just recommitted to each other. They did not have the luxury of counselors or therapists or books or the internet. Somehow they figured out how to forgive each other and move forward. And before they died, they were able to stand there and look at their five kids, 14 grand-kids and twice that many great grand-kids, and see for themselves the legacy they had built together.

 

Would you like that for you and your husband?

[BluesPower]

Wow Cephalopod, that is just such a great post! Kudos to you.

[aileD]

Yes what a wonderful post!

 

Something that helped me was a video I watched. I c don't remember the whole thing but one part the guy said the speaker had been married to his wife for something like over 50 years and it was a model marriage.

 

Edit here's the link to article http://menalive.com/5-secrets-for-saving-your-mid-life-marriage-even-when-only-one-of-you-is-trying-to-keep-it-alive/

 

He started talking about tough times and how every marriage goes through them and turns to his wife and says "remember that really bad period we had..it was 10 years. "

 

TEN YEARS. And they stuck it through and are amazing today. The old adage is true sometimes, when something breaks you try to fix it instead of throwing it away.

 

They had amazing family with grandkids and good times and all that. A life people envy. All that and still 10 years of a tough time.

 

My H friend said something to him once...when my H was telling him we weren't connecting and things were bad. His friend took a broom handle and said your marriage is this long, this is just a little part of it. You get over it and move on.

 

Great post. I wish more people would "try to fix it before throwing it away" like in the old days

 

Edit. Here's the excerpt :Shortly after my wife and I got married we went to a lecture by the world renowned psychologist Carl Rogers. He was giving a talk on how to have a successful marriage and we were on the edge of our seats wanting to learn from the master. At one point he looked over to his wife of fifty years. With a chuckle he said, “Remember that difficult stretch we went through?” She nodded and smiled.

I was amazed that even a world-class expert on marriage had his problems. I was thinking, “well I guess we’re not so different.” I expected him to go on to tell us about the difficult month they once had and was floored as he continued his remembrance. “Things just got off track for eight or ten years, until we worked things out and got back together. It was a miserable time.”

As a newly married couple we were sure we would be ecstatically happy forever, with a few down turns that might last a few weeks, a month at the most. Difficult times lasting eight or ten years were beyond our imagining. But I’ve since learned that good marriages that last thirty, forty, fifty years, or even “until death do us part” will have long stretches where things look bad. So, don’t give up too soon. Hang in there. Get help if you need it.

Edited October 19, 2016 by aileD
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[whatshappenedtome]

Thank you everyone for your messages. Thank you for sharing the emotions my H is going through, it makes it easier to understand. Thank you for the messages of hope too.

 

My emotions are all over the place still and I can't seem to make sense of it all. My H has withdrawn a little bit and this makes me go to him, which is good. But I know he is compromising a lot for this and it feels so wrong. I did get some feelings back yesterday, the were only slight, but they were there. Maybe they are buried deep inside under all the years of resentment. It all feels like a big mess.

 

I am hoping my 'missing something' is down to the residual feelings of the affair. Although I did read my diary from a year ago (before the affair) and it said the same thing. I don't know what is the right direction at the moment, I feel so lost.

 

I like what was said about detachment and re-attachment and the re-attachment will take longer - that feels exactly right. My H was angry the other night. He had a few drinks, nothing massive, but still a few drinks. I can't feel any empathy for him when he is like that, its like a part of me shuts down. And then I feel like I don't want that side in my life anymore.

 

It took me a long time to get married. I was always hesitant because I didn't know whether I could fully accept his drinking. After a couple of years in Al Anon I thought I was moving towards acceptance. But after one disastrous night, I reached a point where I couldn't go on. I used to dream of meeting someone who didn't drink, I unfortunately found that person and fell in love with the dream. I am finding that difficult to move away from.

 

I see my H is really trying not to drink but I don't trust he will keep that promise for the rest of our lives. He may not even trust that I will remain faithful either - but I know I would never ever ever have an affair again, it is soul destroying for everyone.

 

You may be reading this and thinking our relationship is screwed. But on another level, we had the most lovely relationship. We were friends for many wonderful years, had the same interests, giggled together, travelled together, supported one another. My H really loves me and I am sure I do too, I just need to find that love again.

[aileD]

This is short because I'm in a rush ...I read everything you wrote.

 

Alcoholism is a disease. A "sickness" if you will. I think there needs to be effort on his part to get healthy and realization on your part that it's not a short process and is in fact a lifelong battle. Is that a battle you care enough about our husband to help him fight?

 

Unless there's abuse. Abuse is a deal breaker.

[BluesPower]

I just want to say that it is possible, so keep working.

 

Your H needs to stop drinking, he may not be able to right now because of your affair, but at some point he has to stop. You may want to give him a little grace about the anger and drinking right now though.

 

You still don't, and honestly never will, understand the pain that your affair has caused. You REALLY HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, that you will never understand his pain.

 

But I know that it is possible to rebuild your marriage after all of this. There are no guaranties that it will work, but then, there are no guaranties about life in general.

 

Good luck...

[Jersey born raised]

Stopping drinking is his down payment, but as you know a person gives up an addiction for themselves only. They stop because they hate what they become while drinking.

 

So, the question is will he become a safe partner on his own, with or without you in his life.

[Jersey born raised]

Also why is there alcohol in the house? I know a couple who never keep alcohol in the house. They will buy some for a party, but the wife will not drink it and to avoid temptation any left over is sent home with friends.

[harrybrown]

sometimes it can take several years to get over an A.

 

sometimes it is never resolved.

 

I do not have any thing to do with affair recovery.com.

 

But sometimes they have been able to help couples.

 

look them up online. see if they can help.

 

Good luck.

[Birdies]

I just want to tell you that it's ok to give up if you're not in love with him anymore. Yes, it's wonderful that marriages used to last forever, and that people's grandparents fought through their hard times and regained their love. But it can also be wonderful to accept that you're not right for each other anymore (he's not right for you because you can't accept his drinking, you're not right for him because you resent some of his behaviors and that affects how you treat him), and to free each other up to find someone better suited and to find more complete happiness. Not saying you should do that. Just that it too is ok.

[Cephalopod]

If your husband were serious about healing your marriage, he would enroll in a 30 day treatment program and weekly AA meetings. Your marriage will not heal until he stops drinking.

[Mr. Lucky]

It took me a long time to get married. I was always hesitant because I didn't know whether I could fully accept his drinking. After a couple of years in Al Anon I thought I was moving towards acceptance.

 

I'm trying to understand how Al-Anon helped you accept your partner's drinking problem ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lion Heart]

Thank you everyone for your messages. Thank you for sharing the emotions my H is going through, it makes it easier to understand. Thank you for the messages of hope too.

 

My emotions are all over the place still and I can't seem to make sense of it all. My H has withdrawn a little bit and this makes me go to him, which is good. But I know he is compromising a lot for this and it feels so wrong. I did get some feelings back yesterday, the were only slight, but they were there. Maybe they are buried deep inside under all the years of resentment. It all feels like a big mess.

 

I am hoping my 'missing something' is down to the residual feelings of the affair. Although I did read my diary from a year ago (before the affair) and it said the same thing. I don't know what is the right direction at the moment, I feel so lost.

 

I like what was said about detachment and re-attachment and the re-attachment will take longer - that feels exactly right. My H was angry the other night. He had a few drinks, nothing massive, but still a few drinks. I can't feel any empathy for him when he is like that, its like a part of me shuts down. And then I feel like I don't want that side in my life anymore.

 

It took me a long time to get married. I was always hesitant because I didn't know whether I could fully accept his drinking. After a couple of years in Al Anon I thought I was moving towards acceptance. But after one disastrous night, I reached a point where I couldn't go on. I used to dream of meeting someone who didn't drink, I unfortunately found that person and fell in love with the dream. I am finding that difficult to move away from.

 

I see my H is really trying not to drink but I don't trust he will keep that promise for the rest of our lives. He may not even trust that I will remain faithful either - but I know I would never ever ever have an affair again, it is soul destroying for everyone.

 

You may be reading this and thinking our relationship is screwed. But on another level, we had the most lovely relationship. We were friends for many wonderful years, had the same interests, giggled together, travelled together, supported one another. My H really loves me and I am sure I do too, I just need to find that love again.

 

I wish I could share the information from a Course I'm doing. It's called "Breaking Free" (in NSW Australia) and it's for women who are or have experienced domestic violence.

 

Now please don't think I'm suggesting that's your situation BUT it appears there IS a cycle going on in your M and I hope you can find similar information by searching. Maybe the 'cycle of violence' or such.

 

The "Explosion" phase of my exWH was something else but my reaction was definitely in sync with the stages...and the "balance of power" in your M appears out of sync too??

 

IDK I know nothing! Lol. I'm just trying to help you work it out.

I think you've had enough of the cycle of his drinking (which can be termed as abuse) as your description sounds just like mine in my M. I was the BW but EXTREMELY puzzled.

 

I think you could find some AWESOME support from the knowledge gained if you research this.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart