DDAY happened

[Lillyp32]

This is my first post. Ive been reading these forums for the length of my A but never had the courage to post. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for in posting today. I guess I just don't want to feel alone in all of this.

 

So after 2.5 years a dday finally happened. I'm not even sure how I had it in me to be in an A for this long. I had tired to break it off several time but MM always came back saying how hard things had been without me, how much he missed me, and I guess I fell back into it every single time. We are both married. My BS was the one to discover the A. He informed MM's wife and that was that. A part of me feels relieved that it's finally over. The other part of me misses him. He was a big part of my life for a very long time. I know that'll take time to fade away.

 

My BS and I are currently separated. This is by my choice. My M was bad before it even started. I know there are several people that will say I've re-written marital history but I assure you that isn't the case. I have spent over a decade with a man that had verbally abused me, physically abused me and cheated on me more times than I can count. Why I stayed is still unclear to me. I have no idea who I am anymore. Even more so after having an A for so long knowing how painful it is to be betrayed when I could've just left. I could've saved so many people from feeling this hurt and pain. I am in shock at the cruelty of what I've done. I look in the mirror and wonder who it is that's looking back. I feel disgusted with who I've become. I'm going to start IC soon. I'm hoping this will help me work through how I'm feeling. Maybe even allow me to forgive myself someday.

 

I haven't spoken to exMM since dday. I received the NC letter via email a couple days later. I had been expecting it. It didn't even sound like him. It was so cold and emotionless. Almost mean. It hurt. I cried. It's strange to go from "I love you so much" to the cold hearted NC letter a couple days later. I guess it hurts to know that he never really cared. After 2.5 years you would expect to mean more than what he said I did in that letter. I can't say that I blame him. My choices over the past 2.5 years show what kind of person I am and that's clearly not a good one. His wife was CC'd and of course I didn't respond. I haven't responded to anything I've received form her either. I've disappeared from their lives completely and don't plan on reaching out in anyway. I know I never should've been a part of their lives in the first place. He always brought up a future with me, I always shut it down. I knew that if a dday occurred he would choose his wife. I never expected anything different. I just hadn't been expecting such a cold hearted NC letter. I truly hope he sticks to NC. I've heard they sometimes come back. I don't want that at all. I want to be left alone.

 

I'm sure this post is all over the place. Like I said, I'm not even sure what I'm looking for. I'm just in a very bad place and needed to vent. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.

[elaine567]

I've disappeared from their lives completely and don't plan on reaching out in anyway. I know I never should've been a part of their lives in the first place. He always brought up a future with me, I always shut it down. I knew that if a dday occurred he would choose his wife. I never expected anything different. I just hadn't been expecting such a cold hearted NC letter. I truly hope he sticks to NC. I've heard they sometimes come back. I don't want that at all. I want to be left alone.

 

Maybe he didn't actually write the NC letter, I guess his wife did or she sat over him whilst he wrote it, or he wrote a letter that she would approve of... He will now be under scrutiny.

[gettingstronger]

Sounds like you are doing your part to heal-leaving your marriage, not responding to MM and his wife, IC, etc...

 

There is not much more you can do and I will tell you- you are doing better than most. Sounds like you are ready to make changes-

 

Hang tough and good luck!

[l8estnews]

Oh, well.

 

If he didn't write that letter, it says a lot about his character and personality. Honestly, I will never understand the mindset of the people who cheats. Maybe I am just blessed enough to be able to understand the repercussions of that act and how messy it can be. But, I hope you find your path, OP. You deserve happiness and it's so obvious that both men in your life aren't the people who can give that to you.

[Lillyp32]

Elaine, I have no doubt that he's under scrutiny now and will be for a long time. As I said earlier, I honestly have no desire to hear from him. I am praying that he is smart enough to not break NC. My husband did this and I'll tell you it hurt more than the actual A. There's a new level of cruelty and disrespect when you can turn around and contact you exAP after watching you BS crumble to the ground in pain that you caused. I hope his BW does not have to endure that.

 

As far as the NC letter, she very well may have added the parts that were down right hurtful. He could have also snapped out if when he saw the pain he'd caused his BW. I know he was going with full disclosure as he emailed me to let me know the night of dday. The thing is I will never really know and I think one of the steps in healing from all of this is getting myself to a place where I don't care to know. I'm sure that will take time.

 

Getting stronger,

Thank you for you words of encouragement. I really aprraciate them!

[Grapesofwrath]

Lilly: Just keep breathing and taking care of yourself. Each day will bring new thoughts, feelings, and eventually you will find that you are starting to find your center again.

 

If the BW is cc'd on the letter, then no doubt he wrote it in a way that would meet with her approval. He is trying to reconcile with her. He is on his own journey now, as you are on yours. I think you are smart to avoid contact with them, as it will only cause you more confusion and pain.

 

I agree with you that having an A is not the right answer to marital problems. In your case, however, I think your marriage needed to end and perhaps you chose the wrong exit route, but still an exit was in order. Just as there is never a reason to have an A, there is also never a reason for physical violence. Abuse by your husband was reason enough to leave, though you chose to stay, for your own reasons that will become clear over time.

 

Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Counseling will help, as will the ear of a trusted friend. Should you not have one of those available, there are those on these boards who can provide that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is my first post. Ive been reading these forums for the length of my A but never had the courage to post. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for in posting today. I guess I just don't want to feel alone in all of this.

 

So after 2.5 years a dday finally happened. I'm not even sure how I had it in me to be in an A for this long. I had tired to break it off several time but MM always came back saying how hard things had been without me, how much he missed me, and I guess I fell back into it every single time. We are both married. My BS was the one to discover the A. He informed MM's wife and that was that. A part of me feels relieved that it's finally over. The other part of me misses him. He was a big part of my life for a very long time. I know that'll take time to fade away.

 

My BS and I are currently separated. This is by my choice. My M was bad before it even started. I know there are several people that will say I've re-written marital history but I assure you that isn't the case. I have spent over a decade with a man that had verbally abused me, physically abused me and cheated on me more times than I can count. Why I stayed is still unclear to me. I have no idea who I am anymore. Even more so after having an A for so long knowing how painful it is to be betrayed when I could've just left. I could've saved so many people from feeling this hurt and pain. I am in shock at the cruelty of what I've done. I look in the mirror and wonder who it is that's looking back. I feel disgusted with who I've become. I'm going to start IC soon. I'm hoping this will help me work through how I'm feeling. Maybe even allow me to forgive myself someday.

 

I haven't spoken to exMM since dday. I received the NC letter via email a couple days later. I had been expecting it. It didn't even sound like him. It was so cold and emotionless. Almost mean. It hurt. I cried. It's strange to go from "I love you so much" to the cold hearted NC letter a couple days later. I guess it hurts to know that he never really cared. After 2.5 years you would expect to mean more than what he said I did in that letter. I can't say that I blame him. My choices over the past 2.5 years show what kind of person I am and that's clearly not a good one. His wife was CC'd and of course I didn't respond. I haven't responded to anything I've received form her either. I've disappeared from their lives completely and don't plan on reaching out in anyway. I know I never should've been a part of their lives in the first place. He always brought up a future with me, I always shut it down. I knew that if a dday occurred he would choose his wife. I never expected anything different. I just hadn't been expecting such a cold hearted NC letter. I truly hope he sticks to NC. I've heard they sometimes come back. I don't want that at all. I want to be left alone.

 

I'm sure this post is all over the place. Like I said, I'm not even sure what I'm looking for. I'm just in a very bad place and needed to vent. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.

 

I am sorry. I've been where you are, both in separating from an abusive husband and second, Dday and the cold treatment which follows. I can assure you that I divorced the abusive husband and never regretted it for one day in my life. You made the right move to separate yourself from that situation.

 

As for the cold treatment, I did not get a letter like that (btw they are form letters you can find online, probably a cut and paste job) but I got some cold emails and treatment so I can only imagine how you feel. He's being monitored - not that it makes a difference to you but it should be a sign that when push comes to shove, he chose his wife over you and did not care at all how you felt receiving that letter. Remember that sentence because yes, typically they come back. I am assuming your H told his W the extent of the A and 2.5 years.......your xmm is in for some serious hell and maybe he will step up to the plate but maybe he will be back like a lot of them. You'd do yourself a huge favor to keep to NC no matter what he says or does.

[Lillyp32]

Oh, well.

 

If he didn't write that letter, it says a lot about his character and personality. Honestly, I will never understand the mindset of the people who cheats. Maybe I am just blessed enough to be able to understand the repercussions of that act and how messy it can be. But, I hope you find your path, OP. You deserve happiness and it's so obvious that both men in your life aren't the people who can give that to you.

 

The thing is, I did know how messy this could be. This is the part that I'm having the hardest time reconciling within myself. How could I know the pain of being betrayed and still go ahead and cause others to feel it? I feel like throughout the A I somehow managed to push those thoughts out of my head. When they would creep black in I would try and end it only to find myself back in it days later after an email from exMM. I was down right selfish. I was only thinking of myself. That is what makes it so hard to look at myself in the mirror. It's what has me so disgusted with myself. I knew and I did it anyways. I'm obviously royally f'd up.

[Lillyp32]

Lilly: Just keep breathing and taking care of yourself. Each day will bring new thoughts, feelings, and eventually you will find that you are starting to find your center again.

 

If the BW is cc'd on the letter, then no doubt he wrote it in a way that would meet with her approval. He is trying to reconcile with her. He is on his own journey now, as you are on yours. I think you are smart to avoid contact with them, as it will only cause you more confusion and pain.

 

I agree with you that having an A is not the right answer to marital problems. In your case, however, I think your marriage needed to end and perhaps you chose the wrong exit route, but still an exit was in order. Just as there is never a reason to have an A, there is also never a reason for physical violence. Abuse by your husband was reason enough to leave, though you chose to stay, for your own reasons that will become clear over time.

 

Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Counseling will help, as will the ear of a trusted friend. Should you not have one of those available, there are those on these boards who can provide that.

 

I somehow still have a large support group of friends and family. I'm not sure how I got so lucky. My in-laws are even being supportive of me even though they do not like what I did. I fully disclosed everything to people and they're still there for me. I've broke down and cried over this several times. I don't feel deserving of it. Not in slightest.

[Cyra]

I know how you feel. I got the same sort of text from my xMM after dday. He was very harsh and told me to never contact him again (as if I was going to!) and to delete all the photos I had of him. I also could not assimilate how one could go from loving me and planning a life together the day before after he had left his wife, to such a cruel attitude. But I assume that his wife was there when he wrote it or he showed it to her afterwards, still, it does not excuse it. As MidnightBlue said he just did not care about your feelings at the time, only about saving his own a**.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I somehow still have a large support group of friends and family. I'm not sure how I got so lucky. My in-laws are even being supportive of me even though they do not like what I did. I fully disclosed everything to people and they're still there for me. I've broke down and cried over this several times. I don't feel deserving of it. Not in slightest.

 

My in-laws were supportive of me as well. This is because a lot of people think a woman will only cheat because of a failure within her marriage - so if she cheats, it is because of something her husband did or failed to do. However, the flip side is they tend to think a woman has a duty to stay with her husband, no matter what. How do they feel about you possibly getting divorced? Are they telling you to work it out? Mine did.

[Lillyp32]

Midnight,

I have followed your story for a while now. My heart goes out to you with all you've been through. I knew that exMM would do this if a dday occurred. He is the perfect example of a people pleaser. He needs to be viewed as the good guy and doesn't want to look "bad". I knew that when push came to shove he would do whatever he could to put himself in the best light no matter how he feels about me. He needs to keep that perfect husband image. I'm not saying that he doesn't love his wife and his family. I know he does and I truly hope they can somehow work through this. I'm just saying that his image is more important than anything else. So even if he does/did truly love me, that is far less important than preserving his image. I'm not even sure if that makes sense but it's true.

[Lillyp32]

My in-laws are fully aware of everything I've been through over the course of my marriage which is why I believe they are being supportive of me. They say that I need to do what's in my heart and that they will love me no matter what I decide. They only want me to be happy. They understand my feelings on my M as a whole. It's far too toxic and destructive. Especially now after my A. I don't see it ever being a healthy relationship. I'm most concerned about my children continuing to grow up in such a hostile environment. They understand that as well.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight,

I have followed your story for a while now. My heart goes out to you with all you've been through. I knew that exMM would do this if a dday occurred. He is the perfect example of a people pleaser. He needs to be viewed as the good guy and doesn't want to look "bad". I knew that when push came to shove he would do whatever he could to put himself in the best light no matter how he feels about me. He needs to keep that perfect husband image. I'm not saying that he doesn't love his wife and his family. I know he does and I truly hope they can somehow work through this. I'm just saying that his image is more important than anything else. So even if he does/did truly love me, that is far less important than preserving his image. I'm not even sure if that makes sense but it's true.

 

Well, thanks. I know where you are emotionally right now and I am sorry for that. It makes sense. Image is very important for a lot of people. But it's more than that, men in general like being married, the whole thing - house, family, society, money, etc. It's a comfort to them. If it was a hell on earth, they'd leave.

 

This is a path you will need to walk and it will be rough. My only advice is to keep moving forward and not look backwards with xMM. If I had a time machine I'd go backwards and just stop talking to him long ago. But we all get there at our own pace.

[Lillyp32]

Well, thanks. I know where you are emotionally right now and I am sorry for that. It makes sense. Image is very important for a lot of people. But it's more than that, men in general like being married, the whole thing - house, family, society, money, etc. It's a comfort to them. If it was a hell on earth, they'd leave.

 

This is a path you will need to walk and it will be rough. My only advice is to keep moving forward and not look backwards with xMM. If I had a time machine I'd go backwards and just stop talking to him long ago. But we all get there at our own pace.

 

Yes that's what I was trying to say. You worded it much better than I could. My brain has been much since all of this. Im barely sleeping, eating and living on caffeine.

 

Ooh. I would love that time machine! I'm doing my best to move forward. I know this will take time. I just blocked him on FB. I hadn't done that before because I assumed he would've blocked me. He did unfriend me. The fact he didn't block is a bit perplexing.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes that's what I was trying to say. You worded it much better than I could. My brain has been much since all of this. Im barely sleeping, eating and living on caffeine.

 

Ooh. I would love that time machine! I'm doing my best to move forward. I know this will take time. I just blocked him on FB. I hadn't done that before because I assumed he would've blocked me. He did unfriend me. The fact he didn't block is a bit perplexing.

 

Not really. His wife told him to unfriend you but probably didn't think of blocking. That means he is not really doing this of his own accord - or he would have blocked you. I told you, these guys are pretty predictable. Disclaimer - I don't know his age, not everyone is all into social media and blocking. It is good you blocked him because one of two things would be coming next - happy pictures which would destroy you or smoke screen signals posted by him set to the world (ie so everyone can see them). Both are bad and will only hold you back. It also protects you from his wife. You would not want her tagging you in posts or anything. Make sure to block her too. I have them both blocked.

 

And not all BS do that. I did not do anything of the sort to my H's exOW and neither did mm's BS, but you can't count on anything. It's better to be proactive here than reactive.

[l8estnews]

The thing is, I did know how messy this could be. This is the part that I'm having the hardest time reconciling within myself. How could I know the pain of being betrayed and still go ahead and cause others to feel it? I feel like throughout the A I somehow managed to push those thoughts out of my head. When they would creep black in I would try and end it only to find myself back in it days later after an email from exMM. I was down right selfish. I was only thinking of myself. That is what makes it so hard to look at myself in the mirror. It's what has me so disgusted with myself. I knew and I did it anyways. I'm obviously royally f'd up.

 

I am learning a lot from this situation. Before, I can easily point fingers and "judge" people in Affairs because it simply boils down to choice. These things could be avoided. Pain inflicted can be avoided. It's true that Affairs are selfish and cruel.

 

But then again, I will really never know until I experience this kind of situation. For me, don't be hard on yourself. There are situations in life wherein it can make us do things that, let's say 5 years ago, would be very unthinkable. It's enough that you are willing to learn from this mistake and hope that you'll never engage in one again.

[spideywoman]

Elaine, I have no doubt that he's under scrutiny now and will be for a long time. As I said earlier, I honestly have no desire to hear from him. I am praying that he is smart enough to not break NC. My husband did this and I'll tell you it hurt more than the actual A. There's a new level of cruelty and disrespect when you can turn around and contact you exAP after watching you BS crumble to the ground in pain that you caused. I hope his BW does not have to endure that.

 

As far as the NC letter, she very well may have added the parts that were down right hurtful. He could have also snapped out if when he saw the pain he'd caused his BW. I know he was going with full disclosure as he emailed me to let me know the night of dday. The thing is I will never really know and I think one of the steps in healing from all of this is getting myself to a place where I don't care to know. I'm sure that will take time.

 

Getting stronger,

Thank you for you words of encouragement. I really aprraciate them!

 

stay strong on your journey lily. it doesn't and shouldn't matter but that letter i can almost guarantee was either written by his wife or composed with her input.

 

your head and your heart seem to be in the right place so keep at it, you'll be OK eventually. i'm glad to read you are separated _ didn't sound like you were in a good situation at home to begin with.

[Lillyp32]

Not really. His wife told him to unfriend you but probably didn't think of blocking. That means he is not really doing this of his own accord - or he would have blocked you. I told you, these guys are pretty predictable. Disclaimer - I don't know his age, not everyone is all into social media and blocking. It is good you blocked him because one of two things would be coming next - happy pictures which would destroy you or smoke screen signals posted by him set to the world (ie so everyone can see them). Both are bad and will only hold you back. It also protects you from his wife. You would not want her tagging you in posts or anything. Make sure to block her too. I have them both blocked.

 

And not all BS do that. I did not do anything of the sort to my H's exOW and neither did mm's BS, but you can't count on anything. It's better to be proactive here than reactive.

 

His wife blocked me immediately. I know this because I went to block her and couldn't find her page. This is why assumed that he had blocked me as well when I went to my friends list to block him and he was no longer there.

[Lillyp32]

I am learning a lot from this situation. Before, I can easily point fingers and "judge" people in Affairs because it simply boils down to choice. These things could be avoided. Pain inflicted can be avoided. It's true that Affairs are selfish and cruel.

 

But then again, I will really never know until I experience this kind of situation. For me, don't be hard on yourself. There are situations in life wherein it can make us do things that, let's say 5 years ago, would be very unthinkable. It's enough that you are willing to learn from this mistake and hope that you'll never engage in one again.

 

There a re so many different routes I could've taken besides compromising my own integrity and having an affair. The fact that is was an LTA makes it even worse. I guess if I'm being honest with myself he brought me a lot of joy and happiness that I hadnt experienced in a really long time. Once I felt it, it was hard to let go of. This proves how selfish A's really are. I was so engrossed on those feelings that I couldn't do the right thing even though I wanted to. Something to work out in IC I guess.

[MidnightBlue1980]

His wife blocked me immediately. I know this because I went to block her and couldn't find her page. This is why assumed that he had blocked me as well when I went to my friends list to block him and he was no longer there.

 

Well she probably thinks he blocked you but since she cannot see you, she cannot see that he has not blocked you, unless she logged in as him and looked at his blocked list.

 

Does she know you IRL? Have you met her?

[Lillyp32]

stay strong on your journey lily. it doesn't and shouldn't matter but that letter i can almost guarantee was either written by his wife or composed with her input.

 

your head and your heart seem to be in the right place so keep at it, you'll be OK eventually. i'm glad to read you are separated _ didn't sound like you were in a good situation at home to begin with.

 

Thank you. I'm trying to learn and grow from this. The separation has brought on a lot of mixed feelings. It's hard but I know it's good at the same time. I could write a novel on everything my husband has put me through. Ive felt so beaten down and low for so long. He acknowledges the pain he's caused me over the years. I do not in anyways blame my husband'a poor treatment of me for y choices. I've let him know that too. At this point, I'm trying to answer his questions and help him work through the pain of what I've done even though I don't want to save my M. I'm hoping we can work through all of the issues we have so that we can co-parent in a healthy way for our children. There's a lot to work through and I know this will be a process for both of us.

[Lillyp32]

Well she probably thinks he blocked you but since she cannot see you, she cannot see that he has not blocked you, unless she logged in as him and looked at his blocked list.

 

Does she know you IRL? Have you met her?

 

Yes and yes. We all knew each other which makes this worse for the BS's.

[Lillyp32]

Also, as strange as this may seem, seeing happy pictures wouldn't destroy me. I do care about exMM and really hope they can work through this. I WANT them too. If I saw happy pictures I would be happy for them both. I never meant to destroy their M even though my actions showed otherwise. Before DDay happened I was trying desperately to push him towards his BW and attemptsing to make him realize what he was risking. I'm sure that sounds so very twisted.

[road]

NC letters are to cold and business like. They are closing the door on the affair. They are not about letting their AP down easy.

 

 

Rather the NC letter is all about the letter writer admitting that the

affair was wrong. Written to convey that the AP is to never try a fishing expedition in the future with a break in NC.