DDAY happened

[Lillyp32]

NC letters are to cold and business like. They are closing the door on the affair. They are not about letting their AP down easy.

 

 

Rather the NC letter is all about the letter writer admitting that the

affair was wrong. Written to convey that the AP is to never try a fishing expedition in the future with a break in NC.

 

Yes I know. I wasn't expecting a heartfelt good bye. There were parts of the NC letter that I didn't see to be necessary and were quite honestly jabs at me that were meant to be hurtful. That is what got to me.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Also, as strange as this may seem, seeing happy pictures wouldn't destroy me. I do care about exMM and really hope they can work through this. I WANT them too. If I saw happy pictures I would be happy for them both. I never meant to destroy their M even though my actions showed otherwise. Before DDay happened I was trying desperately to push him towards his BW and attemptsing to make him realize what he was risking. I'm sure that sounds so very twisted.

 

If you want me to be really honest, it doesn't sound twisted, it sounds like you are in denial and have not begun the expected emotions yet.

 

The guy sent you a NC letter. Maybe you are the most selfless and well adjusted person and if that is true, I am happy for you, but being happy for their happy pictures and wanting their marriage to work out is out of the ordinary. I'm just saying, be careful, the crash may be coming. Normally a person feels utter despair, betrayed, used and discarded.

 

But hey, maybe you are a better person than me. I could care less about xmm and his marriage. My goal is indifference.

[Lillyp32]

If you want me to be really honest, it doesn't sound twisted, it sounds like you are in denial and have not begun the expected emotions yet.

 

The guy sent you a NC letter. Maybe you are the most selfless and well adjusted person and if that is true, I am happy for you, but being happy for their happy pictures and wanting their marriage to work out is out of the ordinary. I'm just saying, be careful, the crash may be coming. Normally a person feels utter despair, betrayed, used and discarded.

 

But hey, maybe you are a better person than me. I could care less about xmm and his marriage. My goal is indifference.

 

Im clearly far from well adjusted lol. I don't feel betrayed because I went into this with my eyes wide open. I don't feel discarded because I've always known that he would want to save his family if it came down to it. We had a conversation about this before dday happened. He said something along the lines of it being easier to stay than it would be to leave. That he wouldnt want to look bad and that me having his heart would always be our little secret. That he didn't want to complicate his life. Sound like bs to me and a cowards way of thinking. I do feel like he regrets the affair but I doubt that he truly does not care about me at all. I'm not sure you can turn off feelings that easily. But what do I know.

 

As far feeling used, I do feel used in a way but then again, wasn't I using him as well?

[ChickiePops]

I'm so glad you found the strength to leave your abusive marriage. I'm sorry exMM's wife had to get hurt in the process and it sounds like you are too, but good for you for leaving your abusive husband.

[sandylee1]

For the way your husband has treated you, it serves him right. He cheated several times and now he knows how it feels. It's just a shame another marriage got ruined in the process and an innocent wife is reeling from the devastation.

 

Added to him being physically abusive, you shouldn't return to the marriage.

 

I've no sympathy at all for spouse's who cheated and go on to do it again like your husband. Two wrongs don't make a right, but a taste of ones own medicine hits the spot.

[Lillyp32]

For the way your husband has treated you, it serves him right. He cheated several times and now he knows how it feels. It's just a shame another marriage got ruined in the process and an innocent wife is reeling from the devastation.

 

Added to him being physically abusive, you shouldn't return to the marriage.

 

I've no sympathy at all for spouse's who cheated and go on to do it again like your husband. Two wrongs don't make a right, but a taste of ones own medicine hits the spot.

 

I've heard this from many of my friends that saw all the pain my husband has caused me over the years. I still don't believe he deserves what I did to him. I should've left. An A wasn't the answer. I knew the pain it caused and feel absolutely terrible for my part in causing others the same pain.

 

On a side note, I just posted on another thread and as I was typing my reply, I began to feel a lot of anger towards exMM. I haven't felt that until now but all of a sudden I'm just flat out angry. I'm angry that every time I tried to walk away he wouldn't just let me go. I'm angry that his NC email was so hurtful. Im angry that he knew the words he wrote would hurt me and he didn't give two *****s about that. I'm angry that he seemed to walk away so easily like I meant absolutely nothing at all. Maybe that's my ego talking. I don't know. I'm hoping this anger passes. It feels like a waste of my time.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Im clearly far from well adjusted lol. I don't feel betrayed because I went into this with my eyes wide open. I don't feel discarded because I've always known that he would want to save his family if it came down to it. We had a conversation about this before dday happened. He said something along the lines of it being easier to stay than it would be to leave. That he wouldnt want to look bad and that me having his heart would always be our little secret. That he didn't want to complicate his life. Sound like bs to me and a cowards way of thinking. I do feel like he regrets the affair but I doubt that he truly does not care about me at all. I'm not sure you can turn off feelings that easily. But what do I know.

 

As far feeling used, I do feel used in a way but then again, wasn't I using him as well?

 

Everything you wrote there is 100% true and it right out of the MM's Guide to Affairs. Unfortunately I have not seen one person here actually capable of feeling like that. It's definitely something to aspire to, that is for sure. But our hearts get involved and at least I can't feel that generosity. Personally I understood how people went to jail for this kind of stuff. The hurt, anger and shame are huge hurdles.

 

I still think you are in denial but maybe not. Did you use him? I don't know, did you?

[whichwayisup]

This is my first post. Ive been reading these forums for the length of my A but never had the courage to post. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for in posting today. I guess I just don't want to feel alone in all of this.

 

So after 2.5 years a dday finally happened. I'm not even sure how I had it in me to be in an A for this long. I had tired to break it off several time but MM always came back saying how hard things had been without me, how much he missed me, and I guess I fell back into it every single time. We are both married. My BS was the one to discover the A. He informed MM's wife and that was that. A part of me feels relieved that it's finally over. The other part of me misses him. He was a big part of my life for a very long time. I know that'll take time to fade away.

 

My BS and I are currently separated. This is by my choice. My M was bad before it even started. I know there are several people that will say I've re-written marital history but I assure you that isn't the case. I have spent over a decade with a man that had verbally abused me, physically abused me and cheated on me more times than I can count. Why I stayed is still unclear to me. I have no idea who I am anymore. Even more so after having an A for so long knowing how painful it is to be betrayed when I could've just left. I could've saved so many people from feeling this hurt and pain. I am in shock at the cruelty of what I've done. I look in the mirror and wonder who it is that's looking back. I feel disgusted with who I've become. I'm going to start IC soon. I'm hoping this will help me work through how I'm feeling. Maybe even allow me to forgive myself someday.

 

I haven't spoken to exMM since dday. I received the NC letter via email a couple days later. I had been expecting it. It didn't even sound like him. It was so cold and emotionless. Almost mean. It hurt. I cried. It's strange to go from "I love you so much" to the cold hearted NC letter a couple days later. I guess it hurts to know that he never really cared. After 2.5 years you would expect to mean more than what he said I did in that letter. I can't say that I blame him. My choices over the past 2.5 years show what kind of person I am and that's clearly not a good one. His wife was CC'd and of course I didn't respond. I haven't responded to anything I've received form her either. I've disappeared from their lives completely and don't plan on reaching out in anyway. I know I never should've been a part of their lives in the first place. He always brought up a future with me, I always shut it down. I knew that if a dday occurred he would choose his wife. I never expected anything different. I just hadn't been expecting such a cold hearted NC letter. I truly hope he sticks to NC. I've heard they sometimes come back. I don't want that at all. I want to be left alone.

 

I'm sure this post is all over the place. Like I said, I'm not even sure what I'm looking for. I'm just in a very bad place and needed to vent. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.

 

You change your email address, change your cell number and make it impossible for him to contact you.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're not going to try to stay with him after D-Day, many on here continue the A and so it's good that you are strong and know what you want.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've heard this from many of my friends that saw all the pain my husband has caused me over the years. I still don't believe he deserves what I did to him. I should've left. An A wasn't the answer. I knew the pain it caused and feel absolutely terrible for my part in causing others the same pain.

 

On a side note, I just posted on another thread and as I was typing my reply, I began to feel a lot of anger towards exMM. I haven't felt that until now but all of a sudden I'm just flat out angry. I'm angry that every time I tried to walk away he wouldn't just let me go. I'm angry that his NC email was so hurtful. Im angry that he knew the words he wrote would hurt me and he didn't give two *****s about that. I'm angry that he seemed to walk away so easily like I meant absolutely nothing at all. Maybe that's my ego talking. I don't know. I'm hoping this anger passes. It feels like a waste of my time.

 

Ah.....there you go. It's better to express your emotions. Don't bottle them up.

You also need to be angry at yourself. You allowed it. It took me so long to get through that part. And you need to figure out why you allowed it.

 

It's your ego but also your heart talking.

[Lillyp32]

MB, I don't know if I used him. If it's assumed that he used me, then me being in the same position as him would also mean I was using him as well? He did bring me happiness. The situation though was hard at times and too much for me. I do miss him. I feel like I do love him but then again I read affair love is not "real" love. He was there for me and supported me through a lot. The A wasn't just physical. We'd go months and months without seeing each other. It was a constant string of emails. Someone to talk to. He said he loved me. That I made him feel complete. Maybe those were lies. I don't know and I guess I will never know.

 

I am angry with myself. I'm angry for the pain I've caused everyone involved including myself. I'm angry that I allowed him into my life and my heart. I wouldn't take him back if he was handed to me on a silver platter but for me what we did share seemed real even if it wasn't. I guess my ego wants him to feel the same way.

 

Today is the first day I've been completely alone since dday. Maybe that's why I'm feeling all of this all of a sudden. I feel like I'm stuck in y own head at the moment. I know I need to let myself feel all of this. I think after 15 years of being with someone like my husband I've become very good at stifling my feelings. It's the only way I made it in my M for so long.

 

Also, as I sit here and think about why I want them to be happy and work through it so badly is for a selfish reason. I think in some way it would help me feel less guilty about what I've done.

[Ruffian1]

Call me jaded but

 

 

he'll be back

 

give him time.

[Lillyp32]

Ruffian,

I'm going with jaded lol I don't think I'll hear from him again. I don't want to. Maybe it would make my ego feel better but I know it's best that I don't. I know there would be no point in him coming back as I have no desire to respond. But hey, maybe I'm just bitter lol

[Lillyp32]

Yesterday was the first day I have been all alone since dday. In fact it was the first day I had been alone for as long as I can remember. I was sorta stuck in my own head and couldn't stop thinking about what exMM is thinking now. From his NC letter it sounds like he doesn't love me or care about me at all. How can they just turn off feelings so easily? Can a man really spend almost 3 years of his life talking to a woman every single day all day and in the end feel nothing? I just don't understand it.

[sandylee1]

I've heard this from many of my friends that saw all the pain my husband has caused me over the years. I still don't believe he deserves what I did to him. I should've left. An A wasn't the answer. I knew the pain it caused and feel absolutely terrible for my part in causing others the same pain.

 

On a side note, I just posted on another thread and as I was typing my reply, I began to feel a lot of anger towards exMM. I haven't felt that until now but all of a sudden I'm just flat out angry. I'm angry that every time I tried to walk away he wouldn't just let me go. I'm angry that his NC email was so hurtful. Im angry that he knew the words he wrote would hurt me and he didn't give two *****s about that. I'm angry that he seemed to walk away so easily like I meant absolutely nothing at all. Maybe that's my ego talking. I don't know. I'm hoping this anger passes. It feels like a waste of my time.

 

So after seeing the pain he caused you the first time why did he do it again? Does that show love towards you? I doubt it. Yes, you should have left him before you entered another relationship, but he can hardly take the moral high ground now can he?

 

Now on to MM. Remember he is in save his marriage mode. His wife could have instructed him to write that letter, or get out of the house. Between those two, he had to do the one to save his ass.

 

If I had an affair and wanted to save my marriage, I'd do the same if my husband demanded it. Or he could have realised how stupid he was to risk his marriage and now be out of the lovey dovey affair fog.

 

Stop with the anger towards him and look towards yourself and your marriage. He's not the only person to blame and you had free will not to get back in the affair. We all need to take responsibility for our actions.

[Lillyp32]

So after seeing the pain he caused you the first time why did he do it again? Does that show love towards you? I doubt it. Yes, you should have left him before you entered another relationship, but he can hardly take the moral high ground now can he?

 

Now on to MM. Remember he is in save his marriage mode. His wife could have instructed him to write that letter, or get out of the house. Between those two, he had to do the one to save his ass.

 

If I had an affair and wanted to save my marriage, I'd do the same if my husband demanded it. Or he could have realised how stupid he was to risk his marriage and now be out of the lovey dovey affair fog.

 

Stop with the anger towards him and look towards yourself and your marriage. He's not the only person to blame and you had free will not to get back in the affair. We all need to take responsibility for our actions.

 

You're right, my husbands actions have never showed love towards me. Not one bit.

 

Ahh, the affair fog. Is it always just a fog? I think this is the part I'm having trouble grasping. Almost 3 years and absolutely none of the feeling he said he felt were real? I guess I don't understand it. I do feel like everything I felt for him is real, I'm sure I'll always feel that way. On the other hand, I regret the A because of all the people we hurt by having it.

 

I have been looking inward. Believe me. I take full responsibility for my part in this whole mess. I'm angry and disgusted with myself. The anger I feel towards him is mostly because if what he said is true in that email, then he spent almost 3 years lying to me and for what? Its frustrating.

 

As far as my marriage, that's over with. I am however trying to help my husband through this the best I can even though I don't plan on reconciling. I think it's only fair.

[BuddyX]

My question is; if the OM does contact you, what will you do?

[Lillyp32]

I've thought about what I would do if contacted me a bit. I think it's irrelevant because I'm about 99.9% sure I won't ever hear from him again. My first thought was not to reply and just forward it to his wife but then I realized I've deleted all of her info. So I guess I would just delete and ignore. There aren't really any other options.

[ladydesigner]

The thing is, I did know how messy this could be. This is the part that I'm having the hardest time reconciling within myself. How could I know the pain of being betrayed and still go ahead and cause others to feel it? I feel like throughout the A I somehow managed to push those thoughts out of my head. When they would creep black in I would try and end it only to find myself back in it days later after an email from exMM. I was down right selfish. I was only thinking of myself. That is what makes it so hard to look at myself in the mirror. It's what has me so disgusted with myself. I knew and I did it anyways. I'm obviously royally f'd up.

 

Sometimes we play the same situations out to gain control of the outcome. I wonder if you subconsciously were trying to change what happened to you by your own H (being a BS first) by having your own A. It is not uncommon for a BS to find themselves on the same slippery slope their WS was on. I had a revenge affair after my WH's first A. I have since sought therapy and have experience more Ddays since, but continue to work on myself.

 

Get yourself into therapy and find out who you want to become!

[heartwhole]

Sending you a NC message stating that he never loved you is part of what he needs to do to move forward with his BW. Unless he truly lacks a capacity for love and empathy, then of course he had true feelings for you and is grieving the loss of your relationship. But the nature of an affair is such that he can't send you polite, encouraging messages about how much you meant to him now that he's chosen to stay with his BW.

 

I've never thought of the "affair fog" as meaning false feelings. I do believe it's possible to like and love and be bonded to more than one person. I think of the fog as representing the inability to evaluate whether a relationship with the affair partner will work in the real world because the secrecy can heighten and confuse feelings, and there's no way to know for sure how two people will interact in the real world. Add to that the personal dysfunctions that led each to consider cheating a viable option and the stress of divorce and children living between two households, and you've got a quagmire. I think we should call it the affair quagmire, not the affair fog.

 

Of course your MM had genuine feelings for you in some way, shape, or form. But that doesn't mean he can move forward with his marriage and do anything other than cut off ties with you firmly and unequivocally. Does this really surprise you? Can you not understand why he is doing what he is doing without interpreting it to mean that he was any more disingenuous than you were by participating in an extramarital affair?

[Southern Sun]

heartwhole has some great points about the "affair fog." Feelings within an affair get painted with this broad brush, as if it's all a lie or false, when feelings are feelings. An affair may create some false arousal due to the secrecy, especially in the beginning, but I think part of what people call the "fog" is really just your brain falling in lust or love. We all know what it feels like. You become pretty obsessed with that other person. And then, due to the obstacles within an affair, those feelings can last longer than a normal relationship.

 

I think another reason it is referred to as "the fog" is that sometime after getting out of the affair, it can feel like you "wake up." In these relationships, it IS more likely than in a normal one that you might have engaged in some fantasy, or that the OP may have mislead you about something, or you discover something wasn't what you may have thought. And so when it is all over, disillusionment can set in which can feel a bit like the fog clearing rather than just falling out of love.

 

It's certainly not always the case, but it is often enough.

 

OP I'm sorry for what you're going through. I would imagine your xMM is not just moving on as if nothing happened. You are assuming what he is feeling based upon a NC letter that his wife had to approve. I am sure he is struggling a great deal but there is just nothing he can do about it but focus on his marriage and work through his pain regarding you in private.

[wmacbride]

Maybe he didn't actually write the NC letter, I guess his wife did or she sat over him whilst he wrote it, or he wrote a letter that she would approve of... He will now be under scrutiny.

 

To be realistic, why does it matter who wrote it? He sent it, knowing what it said.

[gettingstronger]

I am a BS so take it for what it's worth-

In therapy it seemed that it's not the AP he hates, it's himself and the situation they shared. Seeing his actions through my eyes puts a different spin on it. Does it mean it wasn't real at the time, no- it just means that now it doesn't matter what was as he's working on what is.

 

Example- she'd fly to meet him on business- sexy undies and all.... Stoked his ego, now hanging out in a Hilton eating expense account meals with someone dressed all sexy just seems immature and silly. A co worker caught them once and thought she was a hooker, at the time he thought that was cool, now it's

emabarassing.

 

Point being- no he doesn't hate you, no it wasn't fake- it's just painful hindsight.

 

Keep getting better and taking care of you. You can't change the past, so move forward. (Took me about 6 months to start moving forward so I know this advice isn't great right now)

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ahh, the affair fog. Is it always just a fog? I think this is the part I'm having trouble grasping. Almost 3 years and absolutely none of the feeling he said he felt were real? I guess I don't understand it. I do feel like everything I felt for him is real, I'm sure I'll always feel that way. On the other hand, I regret the A because of all the people we hurt by having it.

 

To me, real = sustainable in the real world under open conditions. I'm watching Orange is the New Black, a prison series, and people form all sorts of relationships behind bars. The second a person gets out though, they never look back. Same with going away to college. Same with office friendships. We bond with people over common experiences but once those experiences change, the bond ends. Was it real? For that moment, yes. But its important to see these relationships as a moment in time which served a purpose, and just to let it go and not waste time and energy trying to hold on to something no longer there.

 

"I'm sure I'll always feel that way."

 

For a long time, that pain/love/longing is like a bag of rocks you carry around. It is the first thing you pick up in the morning and the last thing you put down. You get so used to it that it's almost uncomfortable to not have it with you. If you forget for a moment, it's like, "oh, I forgot to bring my bag of rocks today!" and you pick it back up, because you are actually used to the pain now, you need it, it comforts you as it's all you have left to remind yourself that yes, you loved this man, he loved you - it was real. But then one day when you are distracted and not paying attention, you put your rocks down and walked away and no matter how hard you look, you can't find them. You can remember the pain and love but it's only an echo now, a memory of what once was real.

 

So it's up to you. You can carry your bag of rocks for as long or as little as you want. It's an active choice. Talk to him, sleep with him, feed the feelings and the rocks only get heavier. It is an active choice you make each day.

[m4p]

For a long time, that pain/love/longing is like a bag of rocks you carry around. It is the first thing you pick up in the morning and the last thing you put down. You get so used to it that it's almost uncomfortable to not have it with you. If you forget for a moment, it's like, "oh, I forgot to bring my bag of rocks today!" and you pick it back up, because you are actually used to the pain now, you need it, it comforts you as it's all you have left to remind yourself that yes, you loved this man, he loved you - it was real. But then one day when you are distracted and not paying attention, you put your rocks down and walked away and no matter how hard you look, you can't find them. You can remember the pain and love but it's only an echo now, a memory of what once was real.

 

So it's up to you. You can carry your bag of rocks for as long or as little as you want. It's an active choice. Talk to him, sleep with him, feed the feelings and the rocks only get heavier. It is an active choice you make each day.

 

I LOVE this analogy. How apt it describes the feeling.

 

@Lilly, I think you have held up incredibly well considering the circumstances. Owning what you did after Dday was right thing to do and I hope that you stay strong during this long path to healing yourself.

 

Funny enough, my xMM reached the exact same point after Dday. His cold, unfailingly polite text was enough to freak me out emotionally. "How could things change overnight?" I asked the exact same questions you wondered and now 20 months post Dday, I don't think i found the answers to all of them.

 

If it helps and I hope it does, I am now 100x better than the sniveling mess I was, last year. No regrets at all.

 

Stay strong and you'll realize living painfully but honestly is way better than living a lie and not being able to be true to yourself.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

If it helps and I hope it does, I am now 100x better than the sniveling mess I was, last year. No regrets at all.

 

Stay strong and you'll realize living painfully but honestly is way better than living a lie and not being able to be true to yourself.

 

I agree. It's funny how we remember the dates. On 12/20, I still have the texts saying how deeply he has fallen for me and how he would leave, loves me so much. 12/22, Dday and ignored till 2 weeks later and he cannot speak to me anymore. He needs to work on his marriage and so do I.

 

I don't feel anything typing that but at the time, well I couldn't decide between drowning, pills or a razor blade. Time heals all wounds though. It really does.