DDAY happened

[Lillyp32]

I miss exMM so much today. I miss him everyday but today is bad. I can't stop crying. I'm a mess. I wish the pain would just go away. When does it go away? I don't want to feel like this anymore. My heart hurts.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I wish I could hug you. I feel your pain. My pain only started to subside a couple of weeks ago (2.5 months after the A) and it's largely from the lexapro I suspect.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Lily- hugs for you. I understand the pain, it sucks. Try to do something today or tonight, or this weekend that makes you smile.

 

I can't tell you how long it will last just that you are doing the right thing by not reaching out to him or even being with him in an affair.

[l8estnews]

I miss exMM so much today. I miss him everyday but today is bad. I can't stop crying. I'm a mess. I wish the pain would just go away. When does it go away? I don't want to feel like this anymore. My heart hurts.

 

Unfortunately, there is no magic formula. Pain demands to be felt, in all situations. The problem with us being hurt is that we try to rationalize the pain. We always ask the Whys and the What Ifs:

 

Why did this happened to me?

Why did I fall in love with a Married Man?

Why did we end up this way? There is a REASON why we feel this way!

What if we end up together?

What if this love is the universe's way of saying we truly belong together

 

and blah, blah, blah.

 

But life isn't a storybook. Things happen just for the sake of it happening. Life doesn't care about you. Because if so, there will never be children dying right now due to war, hunger or sickness. No kids will be abandoned by their parents. No Street children. No betrayed wives and husbands, no injustice etc.

 

Life is cruel.

 

The only thing you should do is lift all these things to GOD (if you are religious). If not, accept the pain, feel it, embrace it, and cut your losses. Stand up, and continue to bear the pain because this will make you stronger anyway. Enjoy life despite the pain.

 

You're a survivor. Be proud of it.

[starswewillnavigate]

I miss exMM so much today. I miss him everyday but today is bad. I can't stop crying. I'm a mess. I wish the pain would just go away. When does it go away? I don't want to feel like this anymore. My heart hurts.

 

Oh Lilly, I wish I could give you a hug too. I know how you're feeling, I had a therapy session today and I can't stop thinking about xMM now.

 

The pain will pass, pain always does. Give yourself time, grieve and let yourself heal.

[imperfectangel]

I used to be like this ALL the time. People must've thought I'd gone insane. I don't recommend it obviously but I got over it by getting back under him and through the pillow talk learned that it was basically over. He told me he would always be married. That just ended it for me. I knew then nothing would ever change.

 

If you aren't happy you have to make changes and lets face it these mm will never change while they're getting all their needs met by two women

[Cyra]

Hugs, so sorry you are in pain.

I wish logical reasoning would work on emotions.

When I feel it, I tell myself 'I am better off without him' and I know it to be true. Yet the heart wants what the heart wants, and it does not really help.

Sometimes it helps when I remind myself that he obviously did not want me and is not crying over me right now, or even if he was he was not man enough to fight for me, and that I deserve better than that.

And you deserve better than that. Stay strong x

[Grapesofwrath]

Lilly: I'm sorry you are hurting today. The changing weather, shorter days, and a lot of other circumstances like that can make the pain seem worse. If you can, try to imagine it like surfing a wave. Right now you are under the water, getting tossed around. But you will pop up again, and when you do, you can get back on your surfboard and ride another wave. One that brings you closer to the shore of peace and calm.

[Cyra]

i feel a million times better today. I guess this up and down will be my new normal for a while. My problem is I can't stop thinking about exMM. I've been replaying parts of the A over and over again in my head. I keep wondering how he's doing. Wondering if he's wondering how I'm doing. Feeling disgusted about the A and what we did but missing him at the same time. Wondering if he's thinking about me at all. It feels so obsessive! I even had a dream abut him last night. Again. I keep trying to push the thoughts out but they keep coming back. I'm trying to stay distracted but those thoughts are still there lurking in the back ground.

 

How do you stop the obsessive thoughts?

 

I dont think you can stop the obsessive thoughts on command. I have been through that, replaying in my head over and over the things that were said in the end, the last time we saw each other (what could I have said or done differently), imaginary scenarios of what I would say or do if he contacted me and said XYZ... it never ends. But the thing is none of these thoughts change the reality, what has happened has happened and it is done. It is what it is. And now some time has passed and I obsess a little less. He used to call me every morning and I would always obsess about how much I miss that when I drove to work. Yesterday I realized I have not thought about it for a few days.

The dreams were really disturbing in the beginning. I would dream we were still together, or that he came back saying he loved me, and then I would wake up and get b*tch slapped in the face by cruel reality. Set me up for a gloomy day, every time.

He is still in my dreams in some form or another almost every night but it does not affect me as much anymore.

So I have to agree with what others said, time and patience. Let yourself feel the feelings but dont get entangled in them and certainly dont act on them. Try to remind yourself that it werent just good times - there were lies, anxiety, stress, push/pull. That helped me to put things into perspective a bit.

I hope it will get better for you soon, hang in there x

[elaine567]

This may help.

[Lillyp32]

Thank you everyone. I know time is what it takes. My heart just feels like it's broken in a million pieces. It literally hurts and the tears won't stop. I feel pathetic.

[Cyra]

You're not pathetic, you are human, you have loved and your heart has been broken.

But I know how you feel I have felt like a pathetic wreck so many times. It is not easy and it is awful.

But he made his choice and it wasnt you, would you really want a man like that who does not make you his priority and drops you as soon as it is no longer convenient for him?

[Lillyp32]

You're not pathetic, you are human, you have loved and your heart has been broken.

But I know how you feel I have felt like a pathetic wreck so many times. It is not easy and it is awful.

But he made his choice and it wasnt you, would you really want a man like that who does not make you his priority and drops you as soon as it is no longer convenient for him?

 

No, I don't want a man like that. I just miss him and that's why I feel so pathetic. I knew all along it would end one day. I didn't have expectations for a real relationship or did I ever want him to chose me if a dday happened. I always felt like we'd be good together, but the way we knew each other outside of the A made a relationship unrealistic. I'm not sure how to expand on that without giving away too much personal info. He was the dreamer and I was the realistic one who brought him back to reality.

 

I loved him knowing I would have to let him go which was stupid of me. I think feeling like he didn't care is what has me so broken hearted. There were 3 parts of the NC that were meant to hurt me. They crushed me. I expected the NC letter, I expected the parts about loving his wife and wanting to reconcile, I hadn't expected him to hurt me on purpose. He knew those 3 parts would hurt and he didn't care. It shows that I meant nothing while he meant so much to me. It hurts.

[Cyra]

I can understand that. My exMM also sent me a very cruel NC text. I believe that in both our cases they wrote it while the wife was watching or so they could show it to her later.

However, if he wrote something that he knew that would hurt you personally (something which his wife would not know I assume), then there is a different motive. It is possible that when DDay happened he was acting merely on impulse, fight or flight reaction, and a person in that situation does not think clearly. I think it is possible that in that moment he irrationally convinced himself that you were to blame for what happened to him and hence why he lashed out on you? It is ridiculous of course because you are not to blame, but people in stressful situations, and often even in ordinary ones, find it easier to put the blame on the other person rather than own it themselves.

Dont feel pathetic that you are sad and you miss him. Your emotions are completely natural. You will come out of this a stronger person.

[Lillyp32]

I can understand that. My exMM also sent me a very cruel NC text. I believe that in both our cases they wrote it while the wife was watching or so they could show it to her later.

However, if he wrote something that he knew that would hurt you personally (something which his wife would not know I assume), then there is a different motive. It is possible that when DDay happened he was acting merely on impulse, fight or flight reaction, and a person in that situation does not think clearly. I think it is possible that in that moment he irrationally convinced himself that you were to blame for what happened to him and hence why he lashed out on you? It is ridiculous of course because you are not to blame, but people in stressful situations, and often even in ordinary ones, find it easier to put the blame on the other person rather than own it themselves.

Dont feel pathetic that you are sad and you miss him. Your emotions are completely natural. You will come out of this a stronger person.

 

There was nothing that was an attack on me personally and I wasn't blamed for the A. He actually said something about him taking the blame for most of it. I'm going to assume that's because he was the one that pursued me for years before we had the A. He was the one that wouldn't let me go when I would break it off.

 

It was just more words that pretty much meant he didn't love me and didn't care. Apparently he didn't even want to contact me for a NC letter, he just thought closure was needed. I wasn't expecting any of that. It hurt really bad. I pretty much crumbled to the ground and cried my eyes out.

 

You sound so much stronger than me. How long ago was your dday?

[aileD]

Maybe you don't miss *him*

 

Maybe you just miss the way he made you feel?

 

Search out those feelings elsewhere, for yourself. Do something that exhilarates you, Makes you feel confident, important, special.

 

You have it within yourself.

 

<3

[Cyra]

It was just more words that pretty much meant he didn't love me and didn't care. Apparently he didn't even want to contact me for a NC letter, he just thought closure was needed. I wasn't expecting any of that. It hurt really bad. I pretty much crumbled to the ground and cried my eyes out.

 

You sound so much stronger than me. How long ago was your dday?

 

From what he wrote it sounds plausible that he did really write it for the sake of his wife seeing it. Of course he wanted her to think he did not love you or care about you so he wrote it. I really do not think it was for real, it was just to appease her. I know it doesn't make it any better but I do believe he did love you and care about you (to some extent, obviously not enough though).

 

Today is 3 weeks since dday for me. We then spent 2 days together before he told me over text he was going back to his wife.

 

I was devastated for the 1st week I could hardly function, I still went to work but I would go to the toilet and break down and cry several times a day. I felt pathetic, heartbroken and abandoned, I was obsessively waiting and hoping that he contacts me, that it was all just a mistake and that he loves me and wants to be with me. Of course it never happened.

 

I still miss him, the times we had together, but it is all tainted now with the knowledge that it was never real, he has never loved me as much as I loved him and he was never willing to put me first. I believe he is worse off now than he was before (told all the family he loved me and was leaving), and I will be better off once I get over him completely. I made a conscious choice not to feel sorry for myself anymore and act like a 'victim' which I was doing before (ie. why has this happened to me, it is so unfair), instead I try to see the positives and find solace in the fact that now my life can be whatever I want it to be, I no longer have to bend to a will of a man who was never willing to be there for me.

How long has it been for you?

[Lillyp32]

From what he wrote it sounds plausible that he did really write it for the sake of his wife seeing it. Of course he wanted her to think he did not love you or care about you so he wrote it. I really do not think it was for real, it was just to appease her. I know it doesn't make it any better but I do believe he did love you and care about you (to some extent, obviously not enough though).

 

Today is 3 weeks since dday for me. We then spent 2 days together before he told me over text he was going back to his wife.

 

I was devastated for the 1st week I could hardly function, I still went to work but I would go to the toilet and break down and cry several times a day. I felt pathetic, heartbroken and abandoned, I was obsessively waiting and hoping that he contacts me, that it was all just a mistake and that he loves me and wants to be with me. Of course it never happened.

 

I still miss him, the times we had together, but it is all tainted now with the knowledge that it was never real, he has never loved me as much as I loved him and he was never willing to put me first. I believe he is worse off now than he was before (told all the family he loved me and was leaving), and I will be better off once I get over him completely. I made a conscious choice not to feel sorry for myself anymore and act like a 'victim' which I was doing before (ie. why has this happened to me, it is so unfair), instead I try to see the positives and find solace in the fact that now my life can be whatever I want it to be, I no longer have to bend to a will of a man who was never willing to be there for me.

How long has it been for you?

 

I'm so sorry. I wish I could hug you. I couldn't imagine how painful it must have been to be with him only to have him go back to his wife. I am in awe of your strength and clarity so early on. You're like my hero at the moment

 

Our ddays are somewhat close. It'll be 3 weeks for me Wednesday. I've been feeling like you described off and on since dday. It seems one day I feel fine and the next I am completely devastated. Today is one of those days.

[Grapesofwrath]

Lilly: I hope you are taking care of yourself. Let the tears flow. Feel the feelings. Write them in a journal. Be completely honest with yourself in the journal. Just let it all out. The pain you feel is real, and not pathetic. He yanked the rug out from under you with no warning, and it was done callously. The style of the email was most assuredly to appear a certain way to his wife. Don't get hung up on that.

 

It's a loss, however complicated. Mourn and grieve fully. If you deprive yourself of that, it will come to haunt you later.

[Lillyp32]

From what he wrote it sounds plausible that he did really write it for the sake of his wife seeing it. Of course he wanted her to think he did not love you or care about you so he wrote it. I really do not think it was for real, it was just to appease her. I know it doesn't make it any better but I do believe he did love you and care about you (to some extent, obviously not enough though).

 

I feel like this is true some days. Then other days I feel like he said them because he meant them. I go back and forth. When I would broke things off during the A I always thought he went on like nothing happened while I was struggling but he always came back telling what a mess he'd been without. Maybe my doubt about his feelings for me are more of an insecurity within myself. Something to explore when I finally get into Counsling.

[Cyra]

I'm so sorry. I wish I could hug you. I couldn't imagine how painful it must have been to be with him only to have him go back to his wife. I am in awe of your strength and clarity so early on. You're like my hero at the moment

 

Our ddays are somewhat close. It'll be 3 weeks for me Wednesday. I've been feeling like you described off and on since dday. It seems one day I feel fine and the next I am completely devastated. Today is one of those days.

 

What he did was awful and very unfair to both me and his wife. How does he tell a woman to her face he has been seeing someone else and loves this woman and is leaving, then crawls back 2 days later expecting her to pick up where they left off? It shows how much of a coward he really is.

 

I have had a lot of days of conflicting emotions. Some days I would feel purely devastated and sorry for myself and I could not understand how he could do that, how has his love for me just evaporated into thin air. Other days I would be angry and despise him. Other days I would feel horrible about myself and blame myself (IF ONLY i had done this or that differently perhaps he wouldnt have left...). Replaying past and imaginary scenarios in my mind over and over. I should have said this, I should have done that, what if this happened, blabla. I also felt very hopeless. Even though there were sh*t times I felt in love and made my life better to some extent and distracted me from the reality. When he was gone I was forced to look at my life and the mess that it is and it struck me with such force and feeling of doom.

 

During my A I kinda lost myself, when it was over I did not even know who I was, what I liked, wanted.. because I put all my energy into the A and into trying to bring us together, I was always there for him and I forgot about myself completely. I guess I am trying to focus now to find what it is that I want (independent of any man), what would I like my life to look like, what do I want for my future.. and once I identify those things I can then work towards them. Perhaps try to imagine are there any things you really wanted to do in your life, things that bring you joy? Go on a holiday? I for example love horse riding that always clears my head.

 

Do you have people you can talk to, friends and such? I did not really confide in anyone about this, that is why this forum has helped me so much and I have found new friends and a lot of strength here. We can get through this together. Hugs x

[Cyra]

I feel like this is true some days. Then other days I feel like he said them because he meant them. I go back and forth. When I would broke things off during the A I always thought he went on like nothing happened while I was struggling but he always came back telling what a mess he'd been without. Maybe my doubt about his feelings for me are more of an insecurity within myself. Something to explore when I finally get into Counsling.

 

I used to think exactly the same things. When he did the push/pull thing and broke contact for a few days, I was always shocked and devastated and thought that he was just fine, acting as if nothing. Ultimately the truth is that unless we are in that person's mind we will never know, but I think men are generally better at putting things in a box and shoving that somewhere in the background until they are ready to open it again, and in the meantime get on with their lives and act as if nothing with their wife and kids. Sad but true, IME.

Edited October 14, 2016 by Cyra

[Lillyp32]

What he did was awful and very unfair to both me and his wife. How does he tell a woman to her face he has been seeing someone else and loves this woman and is leaving, then crawls back 2 days later expecting her to pick up where they left off? It shows how much of a coward he really is.

 

I have had a lot of days of conflicting emotions. Some days I would feel purely devastated and sorry for myself and I could not understand how he could do that, how has his love for me just evaporated into thin air. Other days I would be angry and despise him. Other days I would feel horrible about myself and blame myself (IF ONLY i had done this or that differently perhaps he wouldnt have left...). Replaying past and imaginary scenarios in my mind over and over. I should have said this, I should have done that, what if this happened, blabla. I also felt very hopeless. Even though there were sh*t times I felt in love and made my life better to some extent and distracted me from the reality. When he was gone I was forced to look at my life and the mess that it is and it struck me with such force and feeling of doom.

 

During my A I kinda lost myself, when it was over I did not even know who I was, what I liked, wanted.. because I put all my energy into the A and into trying to bring us together, I was always there for him and I forgot about myself completely. I guess I am trying to focus now to find what it is that I want (independent of any man), what would I like my life to look like, what do I want for my future.. and once I identify those things I can then work towards them. Perhaps try to imagine are there any things you really wanted to do in your life, things that bring you joy? Go on a holiday? I for example love horse riding that always clears my head.

 

Do you have people you can talk to, friends and such? I did not really confide in anyone about this, that is why this forum has helped me so much and I have found new friends and a lot of strength here. We can get through this together. Hugs x

 

I feel like could've have written most of this word for word. I'm feeling as if I'm finding myself again too. I spent years in an abusive dysfunctional marriage. I completely lost myself in all the dysfunction. Instead of leaving, I found myself in a 2 plus year A. In the A I found myself in some ways and lost myself even more in other ways. I actually started thinking very hard about what I wanted and needed to be happy in the future towards the end of the A. I even had a conversation with exMM about it. I couldn't see either man in my future. Neither one fit into the happy image I saw. I honestly think I NEED to be alone. I need to fix myself and all the hurt both my marriage and my A has caused me. I've been separated from my husband since dday. Even though I know it's best to be without both men I'm mourning the loss of both relationships and learning how to be alone. It's been a difficult process that has my emotions and feelings all over the place.

 

I do have friends I can talk to. I've disclosed my A to my closest friends. It's hard for them to really relate to the loss of exMM as they've never been down that road before but they have been supportive of me. I finally decided to post here on LS after years of reading because its nice to know that I'm not alone in all of this and that there are others who have experienced these same feelings. It gives me hope that I will be ok one day.

 

We can get through this together. One day at a time right? Although today it feels more like one second at a time.

[Lillyp32]

Lilly: I hope you are taking care of yourself. Let the tears flow. Feel the feelings. Write them in a journal. Be completely honest with yourself in the journal. Just let it all out. The pain you feel is real, and not pathetic. He yanked the rug out from under you with no warning, and it was done callously. The style of the email was most assuredly to appear a certain way to his wife. Don't get hung up on that.

 

It's a loss, however complicated. Mourn and grieve fully. If you deprive yourself of that, it will come to haunt you later.

 

I'm trying to take care of myself as best as I can. I'm forcing myself to eat at least one healthy meal a day. My appetite is gone. Sleep doesn't come easy which I'm sure isn't helping me think clearly. It seems when I do sleep exMM shows up in my dreams even if it's just for a second. I feel like I'm in my own personal hell.

 

It's hard to get past that letter even though I know I shouldn't be hung up on it. Logically I know he said what he said to because he had to. I guess the problem is it doesn't make it hurt any less. There are times when I believe those words and my heart just hurts. My husbands words and actions over the years has broken me. It's seems that now it's easier to believe the bad things I hear than it is to believe the good things. It's very sad.

 

I'm trying to let myself grieve as well. I'm going through so many changes at once. I've learned throughout my marriage how to stuff down negative emotions and hurt feelings. It was the only way I was able to stay in it for so long. It'll take time to learn how to deal with things properly again.

 

Typing all this out has me realizing how very damaged I have become.

[Cyra]

I feel like could've have written most of this word for word. I'm feeling as if I'm finding myself again too. I spent years in an abusive dysfunctional marriage. I completely lost myself in all the dysfunction. Instead of leaving, I found myself in a 2 plus year A. In the A I found myself in some ways and lost myself even more in other ways. I actually started thinking very hard about what I wanted and needed to be happy in the future towards the end of the A. I even had a conversation with exMM about it. I couldn't see either man in my future. Neither one fit into the happy image I saw. I honestly think I NEED to be alone. I need to fix myself and all the hurt both my marriage and my A has caused me. I've been separated from my husband since dday. Even though I know it's best to be without both men I'm mourning the loss of both relationships and learning how to be alone. It's been a difficult process that has my emotions and feelings all over the place.

 

I do have friends I can talk to. I've disclosed my A to my closest friends. It's hard for them to really relate to the loss of exMM as they've never been down that road before but they have been supportive of me. I finally decided to post here on LS after years of reading because its nice to know that I'm not alone in all of this and that there are others who have experienced these same feelings. It gives me hope that I will be ok one day.

 

We can get through this together. One day at a time right? Although today it feels more like one second at a time.

 

The one obvious positive that came out of the painful situation is that you got out of the abusive marriage. You are on your own now, a fresh new start for you. You can make your life anything you want it to be, do whatever you want to do, and I know it is not so much right now but it will become an exciting prospect soon

 

When I was with xMM and things were ok between us, he made me feel good, even loved, and I was addicted to that feeling because I did not love myself. But I can see now that I was looking to him to fill my need to feel good about myself. My emotional state was completely dependent on what he did. Ie. If he paid me a lot of attention I was happy. If he did not text me or talk to me much, I felt bad. I now understand I was emotionally dependent on him and I was looking for him to fulfill me and the emptiness I felt inside as a result of my unfulfilled life. Now I have realized that behavior is wrong and never productive. If we can find what we need within ourselves, if we can love ourselves enough to feel fulfilled and comfortable within ourselves, then we will not have to rely to get this feeling from other people.

 

I too have not been alone in a long time. It is like finding yourself, who you are, all over again. But it is like everything new and unfamiliar. The familiar feels good because we are used to it, even if it is bad for us and sometimes the unknown scares us. Soon, the bright light that is your new life will start shining through the dark clouds that you are in now and you will see possibilities for yourself that you have not seen before.

 

Dont feel bad or stupid for being sad. Live it, feel it, own it. It is a genuine feeling and if your heart hurts it means it still works. It will get better x